The Shore of Women (23 page)

My head throbbed. I slid from Flame’s back and landed on my feet.

“Arvil…”

“I must walk,” I said. I had wanted to know what Birana called the truth. I was hearing it, and my soul recoiled.

I had learned that Birana, outside her enclave, had little of the Lady’s magic, that other aspects were not as powerful as I thought. Doubts had troubled my spirit even before I entered the enclave, and the strange vision I had seen there of Tal bound by thin metal threads had fed my doubts. I had felt the pain the Lady could inflict. Yet I had somehow hoped that Birana’s truth would reveal a purpose, a reason for our lives being as they were.

Now she was saying that we lived as we did only because her kind would not change it. I thought of Bint and his band, who had wanted a better way and had died for that. I thought of the Lady I had worshipped. Only my faith had made me able to bear hardship in the hope that I might at last be forgiven.

Flame halted, then lowered her head to graze. I put my hand on her flank as I looked up at Birana. “I must ask you this,” I said, “although I think I already know the answer. Are all those in the enclave only other creatures as weak as you? Would they be without their power outside the wall? Do they just cloak their true nature with their magic?”

She nodded her head.

“And is the Lady only one of your lies? Have we been taught to worship Her so that we can never know the truth?”

“I cannot say if the Goddess is only a lie. Many in the cities believe in Her reality, though they don’t see Her as one who acts as we have taught you She does. She is seen as the spirit of Earth, or as the intelligence that brought our world into being. Others are doubters. We are free to believe as we like, as long as we follow custom. For many, it’s easier to believe in Her, for then they do not question. It’s true that a belief in Her serves our purpose and maintains our power.”

I wanted to pull her from the horse then, to release my rage with my fists. Her eyes widened as if she had seen my angry thoughts.

“Arvil, it’s better that you know all of this now. If you are to speak to someone in the shrine, you’ll be stronger if you understand that those who hear you are more limited than you thought.”

“That is so,” I said bitterly.

“Please try to understand. Long ago, we had to rebuild a world. We did it in the only way we could, however cruel it might seem to you now. Many fear that if we chose another way, that if we kept your kind in our cities, we might risk destroying what we have built.”

“Be silent,” I said as I mounted again. “I don’t think I can endure more of your truth now.”

I traveled more slowly with her than I had with Bint’s band, but we were soon on the plains north of the plateau and Hecate’s shrine. The last time I had entered that shrine, I thought that the world had punished me as much as it could.

Birana’s truth was harder to bear than my earlier suffering, but it was all I had left. If I lived, I would force more truth from her and learn what I could of her enclave’s magic. If I could find a way to turn that magic against the enclaves, I would do so. If I could not, I would seek a way to let other men know of the truth. Birana could remain alive until I had learned what I could from her. I told myself that I no longer cared what became of her after that.

There was now fear in Birana’s eyes whenever she glanced at me, as though she sensed my musings. I left her side one evening not only to hunt, but also because I might have lashed out at her in my anger. I needed her spell.

I returned with a rabbit. She offered to skin it for me, but I refused.

“Please,” she said. “I feel useless. I’ve watched you and the others with game. I can do that much. You have to teach me what to do.”

I raised my eyes to her face. My anger left me. Her brown hair was looser around her face, and her smooth skin had grown darker from the wind and sun. The night was warmer, and she had opened her coat; I saw how thin she had become. Her gray clothes were loose on her body; her form now seemed more like a boy’s than an aspect’s. She had little of the beauty of the aspects who had blessed me in the past, yet my soul stirred again as I looked at her.

She looked away quickly. “You’re angry with me,” she said, “and I know why. You feel rage at all of my kind who have deceived you, but you can’t strike out at them, only at me. You must be wishing you had never found me.”

“You are with me. I cannot undo that.”

“You can still take my life.”

“That thought has come to me,” I admitted, “but your spell stays my hand.”

“Then if I am to live,” she said fiercely, “you have to show me what I must know. You must teach me how to hunt, even how to fight if it comes to that. I have no power here except what you give me.” Her eyes were hard, and I saw strength in her gaze.

Those in the enclaves had destroyed the refuge I had hoped to find with Bint’s band. They had called me to the enclave not to bless me, or to reward me for my courage, or to restore Tal to me, but for some unknown purpose. They did not seek only to follow the will of the Goddess, but to preserve their power from men. Yet they had also sent Birana from their midst. Their cruelty to one of their own kind was as great as their cruelty to men.

I thought of how I had ached when Tal had abandoned me to the Stalker. Tal, however, had believed that I would live. Birana’s kind had sent her out to die. I felt pity for her then, and more than pity.

I reached for her hand and gripped it in my own. I had touched her at other times, but only for a purpose—to help her mount, to guide her, to steady myself as I rode behind her. This was the first time I touched her for no reason but my longing for her soul.

Her hand was cold. I saw from the tenseness of her body that she wanted to pull away, but she kept her palm against mine. Joy filled my spirit, a joy I had felt only when in the holy state.

I let go of her quickly, afraid that her spell would overwhelm me if I held her hand too long, then stood up. “I shall show you what I can,” I said. “I’ll teach you how to build a fire.”

The sun hid in the east, although the sky was growing lighter as we came to Hecate’s shrine. I gazed south, toward the distant plateau, and saw a bit of light flickering in the darkness.

Birana sat behind me. I pulled at the reins and Flame slowed to a walk. The light seemed to be that of a fire, burning just below the top of the plateau.

“Something burns near the plateau,” I said.

“What could it be?”

“Perhaps men have found shelter in one of the caves below that camp, although I don’t know why they would remain on such ground.”

Her hands gripped at my coat. “Then they may come to the shrine.”

“We can be gone before they can reach it, and perhaps they won’t come, but we cannot be harmed in a shrine. I have reached a truce with strangers before, and I can tell them that the rest of my band will seek revenge if we are harmed outside. There is nothing now to keep me from speaking false words in a shrine, and they will believe them to be true.”

I urged Flame on, and we rode quickly toward the shrine. When we had tied her reins to a tree outside the door, we entered. I took out my skin, swallowed some water, then moved toward the altar out of habit until I remembered that I no longer had to pray.

I sat down and set my weapons by the couch. “It is time,” I said. “I must do this thing, and, if I do not betray you, we must leave this place and think of where we might go.”

“You will not betray me. I have had time to prepare you, and the Lady won’t know you are under my spell.”

“Then cast your spell on me.”

Her face grew pale as I stretched out. “Listen to me,” she whispered. “There may be pain for you while you’re in your trance, because you’ll remember things that haven’t happened and will believe they are true. You will not recall coming here with me, but will think you traveled alone. When you are in the trance, I will tell you what to say, and you will not return to yourself until you take off the circlet and see me again, at which time I’ll say some words to you. Then you will recall everything that passed while you wore the circlet, and we’ll know if we’re safe.”

She had explained all of this to me before, but I saw that she wanted to prolong what might be our last moments of life if I failed. “I understand,” I replied.

“I’ll sit by the door and wait. Arvil, you mustn’t fear. Remember that anyone who speaks to you, stripped of her magic, is only another like me.”

She held her chain before my eyes; her words filled my soul. The shrine disappeared, and my spirit floated in darkness as she spoke. Then silence swallowed me. My hands reached for the circlet and put it around my head.

“Lady, hear me,” I prayed, and fear and despair filled me. Again I stood by the stream. Birana was near me, holding out her hands as she pleaded for her life. I tore her coat from her as she struggled, but she could not stop me with her feeble blows. I pulled her head back as my knife found her throat.

The vision passed. I had carried out the Lady’s command, and yet I sorrowed.

An aspect appeared before me, and I saw that she was the golden-haired one I had seen in this shrine before, when I had fled from the plateau. “Arvil,” she said, “you have called to Me. Have you carried out the task the Lady set for you?”

“I have.”

She was silent for a time. She bowed her head and I thought I heard a cry escape her lips. “You must tell Me of your deed,” she said as she raised her head.

I could hardly bear to think of it. I heard Birana’s voice again as she begged for her life. “Lady, the one You call Birana put a spell on me and it was hard for me to see her as evil, even when I struck. I nearly wept when I saw her blood on my knife. I shall never forget her eyes as she sank before me, when she saw that I had brought her death.”

I went on to tell of what I had done. I could not return to face the men who had worshipped her and could not leave her body there for them to find, for they would know I had killed her and would not rest until they found me. I left only her coat, so that they would find it and believe she was truly gone from them, and I left no tracks as I carried Birana’s body east on my horse.

From time to time, the aspect would ask a question, and although I could answer easily, certain memories eluded me. I recalled lifting Birana’s body from the horse but not laying her on the ground. I saw myself digging a grave for her but did not remember covering her with dirt. The horror I had felt at killing one who wore the Lady’s form had robbed me of the memory of my lonely journey south, yet somehow I had survived to reach Hecate’s shrine.

“My fear of You,” I said to the aspect, “and my desire to be Your true servant overcame Birana’s spell, and yet I tell You now that I mourn. I have saved my band from evil, but I shall see them no more.”

“Your band has prayed to Me already,” she said. “I was sure—I knew then what you would tell Me. Be at peace about those men, for they are safe from Me.” I could almost believe that she felt no joy in my victory, that she sorrowed with me and wanted to comfort me. I imagined then that I heard her weep.

“If the Lady wills it,” I said, “I shall survive alone, as a wanderer. When She calls me to Her at last, I will die knowing I did Her will. I leave my fate in Your hands.”

“I am sorry you must bear this burden. It is My burden as well.” I could hear the grief in her words. “But you will be blessed, Arvil, and the Lady will summon you to Her side in the next world.”

She vanished, and another aspect appeared to me. I accepted her blessing, but as she lay with me, I was thinking of Birana, of how, for a time, my spirit had communed with hers and seen her as another imprisoned soul. I would have my life, and yet wanted to lose it.

My soul was alone in the dark. My arms felt heavy as I lifted the circlet from my head. I forced myself to rise and then knew terror as I looked toward the entrance. Birana’s ghost stood before me, waiting to haunt me. I cried out.

“Arvil, I live—awaken, and know I am with you.”

I remembered. She was alive; she had entranced me. My soul sang within me. I had not taken her life; I was bound more closely to her now. I had believed her dead, and my joy at seeing her unbalanced me.

I began to stumble toward her. “You are safe,” I said. “The aspect believes you lie in the grave I dug for Tal.” I came to her side and flung my arms around her, pressing her body to mine. The world she had lived in and the world I had believed in were no more—there was only the world we would share. We would teach each other what we could, and she would soothe the ache in me.

She pushed against me. “Arvil!” I had forgotten her fear of my touch and released her.

“I did not mean… it is only…” I stepped back. “I didn’t betray you this time. The golden-haired aspect to whom I spoke believed me and blessed me.”

Her eyes widened. “A young one?”

“I don’t know, but her hair was gold and her form more like a boy’s than an aspect’s.”

“You didn’t see one with silver hair, one with…” She shook her head. “I can’t believe that the Council…”

“Are you saying that we aren’t safe?”

“No, Arvil. We must be safe, or she would have kept you on that couch until the city could send a ship here. I’m grateful to you. There is now one thing less to fear.”

“We should leave this shrine,” I said. “If there are men near the plateau, I would not have them find us here.”

I fetched my weapons, then followed her outside. The sun was higher in the sky, and I saw that it was nearly noon, although in my trance it had seemed little time had passed. As I moved toward Flame, I heard both Birana’s cry and the low sound of thunder.

I turned. Two horsemen were galloping toward us from the south, and they were already too near for us to outrace them. I seized Birana and pulled her into the shrine.

“What can we do?” she asked.

I pushed her toward the altar. “They cannot harm us here.”

“But they’ll see…”

“Keep your coat around you. They will think only that you are a boy. I’ll speak for both of us and try to reach a truce that will protect us when we leave. Say nothing to them.”