The Sisterhood (26 page)

Helen nodded. For once, her manner was vaguely confrontational. 'Yeah, I live nearby. Why?'

'I live opposite her.'

'Well, what can I get you to drink?'

Anna still looked puzzled, so I ordered fizzy water for us both. Then I introduced them. Anna said all the right things, but without enthusiasm.

When Helen had gone, she said, 'That girl spies on you, I think. I've seen her watching your house. She hides behind our car.'

I shook my head. 'No, she really does live nearby. I feel bad about her, actually. I was awful to her, months ago, and it wasn't her fault at all. I yelled at her. Told her to fuck off, and everything. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time.'

'What did she do?'

I smiled. 'She was too nice. As you can imagine, we can't have that.'

Anna nodded seriously. 'Quite right. You need more people like Kathy and Steve in your life. More bastards. Get rid of those who are nice! Remind me to be mean to you from time to time.'

I sighed. 'I'm getting on a bit too well with Julie, you know. It's probably time I offended her again.'

Sitting with Anna and talking about pregnancy was a luxury. The fuzzy yoga feeling took a long time to wear off, and for once, I was uncomplicatedly happy. I knew it was difficult, but I felt I would be all right. I told Anna about the spare room, about how I had painted it cream and bought some cheap bedlinen. I took the signs I had printed up out of my bag, and showed them to her, nervously. Helen came over to have a look, a tea towel in her hand.

'What's this?' she said. 'Room to let? Where?' She looked at me. 'You're renting out a room?'

I nodded. 'I don't feel great about it, but if you could see my bank statements, you'd understand.'

'Seriously? You're renting out your spare room?'

'I have to. I have to claw some money where I can find it, till the baby's born.'

'Do you want me to stick one up in here? But are you sure? You could end up with anyone.'

'I know.'

Anna touched my arm. 'Liz, she's right. Are you sure? Your bedroom is right next to the bathroom, and this person will be sleeping across the landing and sharing your toilet and everything. Is that really what you want?'

My worries came back, and I shook my head. 'No, of course it's not.' I saw Helen glancing quickly at Matt, who was busy at the counter.

'I have to go,' she said. 'Or the beast over there will shout at me. But, Liz, can we have a chat? Later?'

When Anna left, to go shopping for pushchairs with Jeremy, I decided that I didn't want to move. I stayed at the table and phoned Julie. She sounded exhausted.

'Hiya,' she said. 'Let me just go up to the room a sec.' I heard her feet treading heavily on the stairs. 'Better. Jesus.'

I kicked back. 'How are you?'

She was speaking quietly. 'I've been better. I'd definitely say that I've been better, but thanks for asking.'

'Come and live in my spare room.'

'I would.'

'Weil, if you ever need to escape ... I've started to advertise it. It's just to get a bit of cash. I've got no idea who might end up in there, and I'm shitting myself.'

'Yeah, be careful.'

'Everyone says that.'

'Only have a woman, for one thing.'

'I'd worked that one out.' I looked around, hoping to signal to Helen that I needed another glass of water. 'So, what's happening?'

She lowered her voice. 'I'm public enemy number one. Not to your dad. Sue and Roberto are fighting hammer and tongs, and every now and then they get together to blame me. Um, Roberto's not over the moon with you, either. Sorry.'

I waved my hand, although she couldn't see me. 'I can handle him. What happened?'

'I was brave. I said I liked his family a lot, but I didn't want to live my life under their roof. I was as calm as I could be about it. I said we needed a home for our family, and I said that if he wasn't coming with me, I was going to go without him.'

'Good work.'

'Shit. I was so scared. It felt like the wrong thing to be saying. We're a family. We want to be a family. I don't want to flounce off and have the baby on my own. Sorry,' she added. 'I suppose I'm not as strong as you.'

'Don't be sorry. I didn't want to do it on my own either. And I didn't even have the chance to do any flouncing. So, he didn't take it well?' I picked up my glass and drained the last few drops of water. Helen was at the counter, flirting with Matt.

She laughed, a brittle laugh. 'He honestly seemed to have no idea what I was on about. You'd have thought I'd never mentioned it before. He kept saying, "But it's good here. We've got everything we need. What's the problem?" Then when he realised that I was serious, he said I was a crazy woman, and stormed off, to complain to Mummy.'

'Which made it worse?'

'Yeah. He was livid that she was on my side, as he saw it. So we had a proper fight. He said I wanted to go to Iraq and get back with Terry. I told him he was a fat lazy pig. I guess I may have used your name as back-up.'

'OK.'

'So meanwhile Sue is trying to calm everyone down. She says that if we want to move out, she won't be upset. She says it's normal to want your own home when you're starting a family. Then she holds forth about African villages, and how we're not living in an African village but in Haywards Heath. She says we can get a flat and it'll be our very own mud hut. She
then
says that it was you who put her straight on that.'

'So Roberto is in a rage at me?'

'I'm afraid so.' She sounded scared. 'And Sue's being off with me, although she would never admit it. Right now I just want to get out of here, but I feel I have to stick around. I'm working later, thank God.'

'Julie,' I told her, 'don't worry about me. Believe me, I have my problems, and Roberto in a temper is the very least of them.'

As soon as I hung up, Helen came over.

'Hey,' she said. 'You OK?'

'Fine. Any chance of some more water? The baby seems to be drinking me up.'

'Of course.' She looked around. 'I'll get you a big bottle. On the house. Don't tell Matt.' She ran over and fetched it straight away. 'So, I was going to talk to you about something.' She looked nervous as she sat down opposite me. 'If that's OK. I don't want to put any pressure on you, though.'

'Go on.'

'It's my flat. I live with three people, and the girls are fine. They're Polish. I hardly ever see them, actually, with the hours I work and the hours they work.'

'Right.'

'But the guy. Adrian. He's nice enough, at least I thought so at first. You see, I sometimes get into sticky situations because I send out the wrong signals. I know that. Matt tells me. But I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.' She looked down, blushing. A couple of times I've caught him outside the bathroom when I've had a shower. The door doesn't shut properly, you see, so he could be watching through the crack. He probably wasn't, but ... Then the other day I came home and I'm sure he came out of my bedroom, in a hurry, when he heard me coming in. And I think my underwear drawer had been, um, rearranged. You see, I'm quite obsessive and I fold all my, um, knickers.'

I felt my jaw drop. 'Helen, that's awful! Have you told the others? You have to confront him.'

She wrinkled her face, still smiling. 'Well, I'm not very good at confrontation,' she said. 'As you know. So I was thinking more of moving out. I could always leave a note saying what my reasons were, or something.'

I felt responsible for this. If I had come flat-hunting with Helen, like she had asked me to, I would definitely have spotted this weirdo and I would certainly have stopped her moving in with him.

'You should talk to him,' I told her. 'Let him know he can't get away with it. And you should move out as well. You're a long way from home. You don't want to be living with someone like that.' I pictured Adrian as a creepy-looking man in a knitted waistcoat, living in a flat full of women, tiptoeing around sniffing their knickers.

'And now,' said Helen, 'you say that you're looking for a lodger ...'

I didn't know what to say. 'Right.' I tried to think quickly. Helen was tense and she put on a front the whole time, but she was harmless. I was in no position to be fussy.

'Well,' I said. 'That's an idea. You haven't seen the place. Why don't you come back with me now, and have a look at the room? If you like it, I don't see why you can't have it.' I looked at her. She was grinning, and for once her smile looked genuine. 'It'll be nice to have you around,' I said.

There was a sudden shout from the bar.

'Girl!' Matt yelled. 'Honestly. I keep a girl around here, and she never comes when I call.'

Helen giggled, her face dimpling. 'Looks like I'm needed,' she said happily. 'I'll come over later. I know which house is yours.'

I was left speaking to thin air. I said it anyway: 'Don't let him speak to you like that! The tosser.'

12 June

'Lock the door, and come here,' Matt ordered. He liked bossing me about, and I liked it, too. It made me feel good in a way I could not really describe.

I locked the café door, changed the sign to 'closed', and savoured the walk back to my boss. This was part of our Saturday night, now.

'Here.' He pushed a glass of white wine across the bar. I picked it up.

'Cheers,' I said. I was tingling with anticipation. Matt didn't have a drink himself. He just watched me sipping mine. There was something nasty, and exciting, about being watched. This was how some customers made me feel, when they asked me to have a drink with them, or when they talked about me, staring and laughing. With Matt it felt safer, but still dangerous.

'Come here,' he said. I took another sip, walked to him, and let him take me in his arms and kiss me. He pulled at my dress, and I let him undo it, and then stepped out of it.

I had never told Matt that he was the first man I'd kissed, and I wondered whether he had guessed. It had probably never occurred to him that anyone could be twenty, and that inexperienced. He still thought it was funny that I hadn't recognised cocaine.

He pulled away, and took out the charlie (as I was selfconsciously calling it) from his pocket. We always had a line each, at this point, and then we talked for several hours. That was my favourite part. Before the coke, I wanted to have sex, but afterwards I just wanted to talk. Matt liked me to sit there naked, in front of him. Sometimes he got me to lie down, and snorted his coke off my body. I liked that. But he never actually tried to have sex with me, and part of me was relieved. Part of me was frustrated, but mostly I was glad. I was scared of the whole idea.

I sat next to him, naked, at the bar, and smiled as he looked at my body. I remembered how I'd sent a photograph of my tits to the stranger on the internet, and wondered whether I was an exhibitionist or something. I liked being looked at, and I was a bit surprised that I wasn't ashamed of my body. Matt liked it. He complained that I needed to eat more, though, because he said there was nothing to grab hold of.

He carefully made the lines for us both, and we snorted them together.

It took all my will power, on a Saturday night, not to tell Matt about Liz and Tom and Mother and everything. I often started. Sometimes Tom's voice started up in my head and made me stop. Tom was convinced that I was going to screw everything up. I half expected him to turn up in London to check up on me. I often wished he would. Instead, he wrote me letters, pages covered in neat black handwriting which set out my mission. He reminded me that I needed to be in France with Liz by the end of June, and told me again and again that I must not tell anyone at all what was going on. His letters arrived every few days.

And, in fact, it was easy, because Matt asked me questions, but didn't listen to the answers.

'So, what's the story with you?' he said now. 'What brings Helen to London? What goes on, out there in France? What are you really about?'

As usual, I overcame all my better judgement, and started to tell him, my words falling over each other. 'It's my family,' I said eagerly. 'I shouldn't really be saying anything, but it all started when Tom and I were looking through some of our mother's things, ages ago. And it was very strange because we found ...'

I realised that he was talking over the top of me.

'I went to France, you know,' he was saying. 'On the French exchange. Ah, yes. We were on a coach. You remember what it was like, a bunch of kids on a coach? Who'd want to be the teacher in charge of that lot, hey?' And on he went, and on I went, too, telling him my secret, if only he had stopped to listen.

As usual, he didn't invite me upstairs to his flat. I wondered why he didn't. Perhaps he had a wife up there or something.

'Off you go then,' he said, when hours had gone by and we were beginning to droop. 'Get some clothes on, woman.'

I was always surprised at how suddenly it stopped: once it began to wear off, my spirits plummeted. I needed to lie in bed for twelve hours before I could reasonably see another human being. I felt gloomy and bad, and I hated myself. I hated myself passionately. I loathed myself. I made myself sick.

'See you Monday,' I said.

'Don't be late.'

'I'm moving tomorrow,' I reminded him, as I unlocked the door to let myself out.

He barely looked up. 'Oh yeah. Do you want any help?'

He sounded so unwilling that I forced a laugh. 'No, I'm fine. You have a rest.'

'Cheers.'

I crept into the flat, closing the door behind me as quietly as I could. Nobody knew that I was moving out. I knew that I should have told them, but I had decided to leave a note instead. That could wait. If I wrote it now, I would mess it up. I messed everything up. I was going to mess it up with Matt, with Liz, with Mother. I was certain of it.

I was in no mood to do anything but lie down and close my eyes. Somehow, although it was Sunday, I would find a way of moving all my things out without Adrian asking me what I was up to. Perhaps I would go to Liz's with a small bag. I'd come back and do the rest, and leave the note, on Monday.