The Sisterhood (30 page)

I picked up the envelope with some trepidation.

21 June

Matt finished making the two lines. I screwed up my face.

'No, thanks,' I said. His head jerked upwards.

'What?' he said. He was angry. 'We always do this. Don't be stupid.'

I shook my head. 'I need a clear head this weekend,' I explained. I pulled my T-shirt off, over my head. 'You do it, though,' I said, politely. 'And I'll still take my clothes off. I'll maybe have a drink instead.'

I was feeling nervous. This was the first time I had ever stood up to Matt. I didn't want to, but I had a strange feeling that it was what I needed to do. I wanted a clear head, and I didn't want to be his little slave. I thought he would like me better if I did my own thing sometimes. I had read an article about it.

'It's no fun if it's just me,' he complained. 'Come on. You normally can't get enough of it.'

I carried on undressing. Although he was hostile, he was watching me closely. I stood up, naked, and smiled at him.

'Charlie makes me feel crap all weekend,' I told him. 'So let's have foreplay instead. What do you think? That would be fun, wouldn't it?' This was from the article, too.

He grunted. 'What's this all about?'

'It's about me having lots to do.'

'What? What have you got to do?'

'Family stuff.'

I was longing for the coke. I was desperate for the confidence boost. I was exhausted, because I'd been up all night. I was beyond tired. I was so exhausted that I was hallucinating. Today, I had been spooked by Tom, standing outside the window, on a sunny street in Kentish Town. He looked so real that for a while I thought that he was really there. I knew he couldn't be, though. I knew I was imagining him.

I looked back at Matt. He was dressed in black combat pants, as usual, with a black T-shirt. His hair covered half of his face. I wondered whether I had fallen in love with him. I wanted to drink and snort drugs and kiss him. But I needed to get Liz's answer more than anything else in the world. And I wanted to lose my virginity, because the fact that I hadn't was starting to annoy me. I was supposed to be going back to France soon, and when that happened, I supposed that I would leave Matt behind.

I had been awake almost all night. When I got home from the cinema and found Liz wasn't there, I stared out of the window, up and down the street, until I saw Anna and her husband walking slowly back from the Tube. Although I didn't like Anna, and I could tell that she didn't think much of me, I rushed downstairs and out into the warm night air.

Anna!' I said. 'Hello,' I added to her husband. 'Do you know where Liz is? Have you seen her?'

Anna managed to smile although she looked exhausted.

'We do, as a matter of fact,' her freckled husband told me, and he explained that she was at the hospital because she had been bleeding. He said that everything seemed fine now, but I didn't believe him. I wanted to go straight there, but they told me she was sleeping. Still, I couldn't sleep. I was so scared that she was losing the baby. That baby was my nephew or niece. It was Mother's first grandchild.

Matt stood very close to me. I was fiercely aware that he was clothed and I was not. I tingled. I was certain now that I was an exhibitionist. He put his hands on my waist. His hands were warm.

'What is this about?' he asked, softly. 'Is it one of those commitment things? Is that it?'

I had read about commitment problems. Commitment was to do with babies.

'No,' I told him. 'I don't want a baby.'

He laughed. 'Good! But do you want me to be, like, your boyfriend or something?'

'What are we at the moment?'

He smiled. 'Buddies.'

'Would you like to be my boyfriend?'

He was frowning and smiling at the same time. 'Dunno,' he said. 'I could try.'

'Seriously?'

'You're not supposed to. With people you work with.'

I gestured to my naked body. 'You're not supposed to do this, either, then.'

'Still. We could go out or something. If you wanted.'

'OK.'

'You're busy this weekend.'

I nodded. 'How about during the week?'

'Monday night? No one goes out on a Monday.'

'That would be fine.'

'I'll see if Joel can hold the fort.'

'Great.'

'So, do we shag now, or what?'

I started getting dressed. 'No. I think I'm supposed to make you wait till Monday, aren't I? Or the third date, maybe? I do read magazines, you know.'

I walked home feeling confused. A 'date' with Matt was a strange prospect. I had never been on a date, never been on anything close to one. Although we worked together all the time, I worried that I wouldn't have anything to say to him. And I thought relationships weren't meant to work that way. I was sure that normal people didn't get their first date after weeks of drugs and groping and nudity. Or perhaps that was exactly the way it worked. There was so much I didn't know. I decided not to mention it to Tom.

I soon forgot all about it. I had invited Liz to France, and I was about to find out what her answer was. This was it. The moment of truth.

There was a note on the kitchen table.

'Had to go to bed. Thanks for a wonderful dinner. And for the tickets. Let's talk in the morning. L x'

I could hardly sleep, once more, for wondering what she meant.

In the morning, I felt tired. I dragged myself downstairs when I heard Lizzy getting up. I felt as if I hadn't slept for ever. Then, when I sat at the table, with a strong cup of coffee in front of me, Liz looked me in the eye and said no.

'It's lovely of you,' she said, 'and in many ways I'd love a break. But I do have to work, and after that scare, I think I'll stay around here, now. Until the baby's born.'

I tried hard not to show her how I felt. 'Are you sure?' I asked her levelly. I topped up both our coffees from the cafetière. I was drinking mine quickly, because I knew I was going to need litres of it to be able to function. 'I can't tell you how lovely it is, out there at this time of year. It's not too hot yet. But it's warm enough.' I looked out of the window, at the back of a house in the next street. 'London really isn't the same,' I told her. I tried to think of anything that might change her mind. 'Where I come from is just right for you now. There are trees and flowers, and it smells of herbs. And it's hot but in the shade it's perfect, and you can lounge around. Mother and Papa have a swimming pool. Honestly, you need to relax. A weekend away is exactly what you need.'

She sighed. 'It sounds delicious.'

'So come! It's only an hour and a half.'

'I don't fly. I don't take flights, because of the emissions. Sorry. I just don't feel I can. Maybe after the baby's born I could bring it out sometime, on the train.'

I knew she was fobbing me off. She had no idea what was at stake.

'You should come now. I've paid for the tickets, and everything. And the flight's leaving anyway, whether you're on it or not, so those emissions are out there no matter what.'

'Which is called the continuum fallacy, and it's not an argument. And Helen, I didn't ask you to buy them.'

We were at a stalemate. I said the only thing I could think of.

'Think about it,' I said, and I tried to sound as if I didn't care. 'The offer's open right up to the last minute.'

Liz went off to her stupid pregnancy yoga class with nasty old Anna. I watched them leaving, from my window. Anna's baby had to be due soon, but she looked as if she'd got a football up her dress. It didn't look natural. Liz, on the other hand, was padded all over.

I saw someone running away down the street. He was wearing a black T-shirt and shorts. He ran to Liz and Anna, and past them, and he was gone.

I phoned home, but he wasn't there. When I called his mobile, it rang with an English tone.

'Where are you?' I demanded.

'Why?'

'Tom! Where are you?'

'Nowhere special.'

'Are you in Britain?'

'Do you think I'm in Britain?'

'Yes I do.'

'Anyway. What's going on with Liz?'

'You know, if you are here, you're allowed to come and see me.' I swallowed. 'I have missed you, you know.'

'OK.'

'And we need to do some planning.' I told him what Liz had done to me, that morning.

'OK then,' he said when I'd finished. 'She'll be on the plane on Friday. You just have to make her life so hard, in London, that she's desperate to get on a plane and escape.'

I thought about this.

'I could tell Julie that she kissed Roberto.'

'Only if you can do it without anyone knowing it was you.'

'But I'd feel terrible if I told her. It would cause Liz so many problems.'

I heard Tom tutting at me. 'Don't get sentimental. We're doing this for the greater good. We're doing it to get our family back together. OK? Remember, those people are her
other
family. We're her real family. We're her birth family. Be ruthless.'

'Liz doesn't know I saw her. I could maybe do it anonymously.'

'Go on, then. What else?'

'She's got really friendly with Anna. I'm not sure I could change that.'

'Do something about it.'

'This woman Rosa seems to be important.'

'Do you know anything about her?'

'She looks weird and she's scary.'

'So you can dig around. Anything else? What about the baby's dad?'

Tom made me realise that I needed to be brave. This was crucial. I pictured myself, arriving at home with Liz. I could see the expression on Mother's face when she realised what I had done. I glowed at the idea that our family was going to be reunited. Tom was right. I had to be ruthless to make it happen. Mother needed her baby back.

Cautiously, I pushed open the door to Liz's bedroom. It was messy, as I had expected. Liz made a mess everywhere she went. She was incapable of having so much as a drink of water without leaving a trail of drips across the counter and a half-empty glass next to the sink. There were clothes on the floor, and cups and glasses on her bedside table. She didn't have a duvet, just a sheet, and it was twisted around itself, hanging half off the bed. I wanted to tidy up for her, but decided that I had better not.

There was a photograph on the table, an old one. I looked away.

I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but whatever it was, it wasn't there. I thought for a while. Then I went downstairs, to the sitting room, and switched on the computer.

I tried to log on to Babytalk as LizGreene, but I kept getting the password wrong. I tried three times before it shut me out. Liz's password wasn't Steve, it wasn't mother, and it wasn't baby. She was less predictable than I'd thought.

Then I quit my browser, opened up again, and clicked the 'password reminder' link. It was easy to open Liz's email, because she didn't have it protected at all. After a couple of minutes, the Babytalk email landed in her inbox. Her password was twix.

I hadn't been on to Babytalk for ages, which was a good thing. When Liz wasn't speaking to me, I had logged on regularly to check up on her but it had all been very boring. I did not miss that stupid website at all. It had played its role as a means to an end, but I had never met a duller bunch of self-obsessed people, and I was glad I didn't have to pretend to be interested any more.

Once I was logged in, I got to work quickly. In a few minutes, I had written a short, vitriolic post. I copied the link, and created a new Yahoo account. I chose a username that sounded as if it belonged to a different Babytalk member entirely:
[email protected]
. I remembered that the whingeing forumite called Fluffball used to sign herself 'Jem', so I filled in my name, randomly, as Jemima Jenkins. I checked Liz's email address book. Then Jemima Jenkins pasted the link on to an email, wrote, 'Honey, I thought you should see what your "friend" has to say about you,' and sent it off.

I erased the history, and shut down. Liz would be back soon.

When she got back, I made her a pot of herbal tea, gave her a bar of chocolate, stole her phone from her handbag when she wasn't looking, and went upstairs. I was on a roll; I didn't dare to stop this, because I knew that if I hesitated, I wouldn't be able to carry on. I was exhausted, and I didn't want to stop and think about whether what I was doing was wrong. I did not want to address the question of whether this was an acceptable way to treat a beloved sister.

First I looked up Steve's number, and copied it down. Then I sent a text to Julie, and deleted it from the 'sent' folder. The phone was back in Liz's red bag before she noticed it had gone.

'I'm off out now,' I said, trying to look and sound natural and carefree. 'Got some shopping to do.' I smiled my old smile, and Liz looked back anxiously.

'You OK?' she asked. 'I really do mean that I'd like to come to France another time.'

'I know. It's fine. I think I'll go home next weekend anyway.'

'Good idea. Will Matt give you the time off?'

'He already has.' I smiled at her. 'Guess what? He's getting Joel to mind the caff on Monday night and we're going out on a date!'

Liz grinned. 'That's wonderful news. How exciting for you. I can get my thrills vicariously now. You'll have to tell me all about it. I want all the gory details.'

I smiled. Liz's life was very wholesome, compared to mine.

You don't,' I told her.

I bought several outfits. These ones were from expensive magazines, because I needed to feel extra confident if I was going to pull any of this off. I bought a fifties-style dress with a full skirt, and a pair of round-toed red shoes with a small heel. I got some new jeans, recommended for my body shape by
Elle,
and a couple of lovely tops from Agnès B. I had my hair done. I gave my credit card a workout that I knew would shock my father, but at least it would reassure him that I was still alive — though he would find that out before the bill reached him anyway. He would, I hoped, agree that my clothes bill was a small price to pay for the reinstatement of a stepdaughter and a grandchild.