The Sisterhood (33 page)

Matt looked at me and smiled.

'This feels strange, doesn't it?'

I made sure I was looking into his eyes.

'Yes,' I told him. 'It feels like we're children in the world of the grown-ups. At least, I feel like I am.'

'I know what you mean. I feel that way a lot.'

The music was quiet enough for us to hear each other. It didn't really have a tune but it was nice, in a random-sounding way. I remembered that I was supposed to be asking Matt questions, and listening to the answers.

'So, Matt,' I said. 'Um, how long have you had the café?'

He looked at me in a searching way, then laughed. I wasn't sure why he was laughing.

'I've been open three years,' he said. 'Essentially, I've been working, without a holiday, with barely a night off, seven days and nights a week, for three long years. The financial thing's just about working out now, but honestly, it's a labour of love.'

'Is that why you do it? Because you love it?'

He nodded. 'You know, I do love it. I love seeing the same people all the time. I love chatting to them, finding out what's going on in the neighbourhood. I love it when they come back again and again. I really love it that I'm holding my own, in a town full of Starbucks and Costa and Coffees-R-Us emporiums. It feels good, you know, to go out on a limb for something, to go up against the big boys, and then to find that it works.'

I smiled. His happiness was infectious.

'So is that the plan? Keep Café Lumière going for ever?'

He leaned forward, his eyes shining in the low lighting. I looked at him, at his big dark eyes, his bleached hair that was always a little bit too long, his broad shoulders. I leaned forward, too.

'Actually, Helen,' he said. 'I have a proposal for you.'

I thrilled inside when he explained it. He wanted me to become his business partner. He wanted me to get some cash from Papa, and to set up a kitchen. He wanted me to work as hard as he did, cooking big English breakfasts, sandwiches and chips at lunchtime, and a small bar menu in the evening. Every day.

'Do you think I could do it?' I asked.

'Of course you can. You're French. You know about food. We'll go to the bank together, get a new business loan. We'll use the back room for the kitchen, and move all the crap from the back room upstairs into the flat. We'll get the kitchen kitted up according to all the health and safety bollocks, and put you in an apron, and off we'll go.'

'Are you sure?'

'I know you can do it. And I think we kind of work well together. Don't you?'

I smiled at him. 'Yes,' I said. 'I do.'

Our starters arrived. Matt had ordered for both of us, as I'd never eaten food like this. I hoped he hadn't got me anything too spicy.

'Chicken satay,' said the waiter, and Matt gestured to show him that it was for me. I looked at it. It looked like chicken on a stick, but there was a gloopy sauce poured over the top. I wasn't sure how to eat it, so I picked up the stick and took a bite.

'Oh,' I said. 'Peanut. Actually, it's quite nice.'

Matt nodded. 'Nectar of the gods. Only two downsides to the plan. Number one, I like you to be out and about serving customers. You add a certain sparkle to the place that ain't there if there's just a stroppy git in a black T-shirt. Number two, and we've touched on this before, I know that you're not supposed to be emotionally entangled with colleagues. But I feel a little reckless about that. What do you think?'

I chewed my chicken. It was nice. I wanted to like it, and I found that I could, quite easily. I tried to be brave, to make him respect me. 'I think,' I said carefully, 'that as long as we both know what we're doing, that's fine. I mean, things like this, we won't have much time for them, which is a shame. But we'll still be able to do other stuff. The other stuff ...' I hesitated. I had never in my life felt as alive as I did after work, when Matt and I kissed and got high, and touched each other. I didn't want it to end. 'The other stuff makes my life worth living, to be honest.'

Matt beamed as he topped up my wine. He topped up his own.

'Me too,' he said. 'So, do we have a deal?

We clinked glasses.

I gazed across the table. Matt made me feel different. It was ridiculous, but I felt sexier at this moment, in a long dress and a frumpy cardigan, than I ever had when I was running round the café in clothes that were so small that they barely existed. It was because of Matt. Perhaps, I thought, it was not actually essential to dress in a way that was designed to make every man like me. Perhaps I could cover up a little bit more. Maybe life was better that way.

I tried to remind myself that Matt was peripheral. He was not the centre of my life. He liked me so much that he wanted to spend all day, every day, with me. He wanted to go out to restaurants with me, too. I was giddy. I was happy. I didn't care about anything.

'You know I'm away next weekend?' I asked.

'And how am I going to manage without you?' he demanded.

'You might not have to. I might not go.'

'How come?'

I shrugged. 'I don't think there's anywhere else I want to be.'

He leaned across the table, and kissed me. I kissed him back. My stomach was in knots.

'Can I tell you something?' I asked quietly. Matt reached under the table and picked up my bare foot.

'Go on,' he said. He put my foot on his lap and stroked it. I shivered.

'I've never had sex,' I whispered.

He smiled. 'I did have an inkling,' he told me. 'Would you like us to remedy that?'

I was deeply, contentedly asleep when the alarm went off. My face was buried in Matt's pillow, and the duvet was on the floor. It was a hot morning, and I felt sticky.

Matt rolled over, next to me, and kissed my lips. I reached for him. I was delirious with happiness.

'Come here,' I said, and I pulled him closer. I felt like a different person today. Nobody had ever even hinted that sex would be like this. I had always assumed it was an ordeal, something to get out of the way. Now I knew differently. No wonder so many people were having babies.

Matt smiled and unhooked my hands from his waist.

'Got to get up,' he said, and he jumped out of bed.

I looked at him naked. His body wasn't exactly as I thought it would be, but I hadn't really known what to expect. He was muscular and stocky, and I could have looked at him for ever. I sat up in bed to get a better view as he did his press-ups.

'You could charge people money to watch this,' I told him, as his naked bottom went up and down, again and again.

'Oh, I do,' he panted. 'Whenever things get short here, I line them up along that wall.' He motioned to it with his head. 'And get a fiver apiece.'

'I could join in. They might pay more.'

'You do sit-ups next to me. We'll make a bomb.'

I thought he was joking, but I lay next to him and did some sit-ups all the same. I wasn't used to eating a big meal, like I had the night before, and exercising felt good.

I was extraordinarily happy. I felt that everything had fallen into place, overnight. I loved Matt, though I wasn't going to tell him so. And I had made a decision.

I wasn't going to go to France at the weekend. I was going to stay here and be happy, instead. I would open the kitchen, and if it went badly, I would do something else. I had never felt alive like this, never felt special before. I was going to tell Liz the truth. I would write to Mother and explain that Elizabeth Greene was in London, and that she was about to have a baby. I would stop messing things up for Liz, and I would try to mend what I had already done. I was going to be good. And I was going to have as much sex with Matt as I possibly could.

I went downstairs in my clothes from last night, and started getting ready for customers. There was normally a rush at eight, because they were all on their way to work.

'We should open earlier,' I told Matt, excited by the way that everything felt different between us now.

'Yeah, I've always known that really,' he agreed. 'If we were up and running at seven we'd do a good hour of takeaway coffees. It's just, where do you draw the line? I'm sure I could shift some cups of tea to clubbers at four on weekend mornings, but I'm not about to have a try. I spend every waking moment in this place as it is.'

He left me in charge, and went off to see some suppliers. At about nine, the rush died down, and I sat on a bar stool, in front of the counter, with a double espresso, and pretended to read a magazine while reliving the evening, thrilling at the memories. I was not a virgin. I had slept in Matt's bed. I was in love.

When someone came in, I jumped up and ran to the right side of the counter. Then I looked at my customer.

Everything evaporated. In a second, I was weighed down and guilty again. Bile rose to the back of my throat. My stomach heaved. I stepped towards the sink, sure I was going to be sick.

'Hi, Helen,' he said. I swallowed hard. He wasn't smiling.

'Hello, Tom,' I managed to reply.

I was overcome with the knowledge that, somehow, I had betrayed him. I told myself that he was my brother, not my boyfriend. I was a free agent. I had done nothing wrong.

I didn't believe myself.

Tom was wearing shorts and a T-shirt. He looked the same as ever, just slightly more tanned than the last time I had seen him. I didn't go to hug him. I hadn't seen him for months. He had always been my best friend in the world. Now I wished he would go away He reminded me too much of home, of the strange world we'd lived in, of everything I had left behind. I had missed him horribly until recently, but now I just wanted to get rid of him.

He sat on the stool I had just vacated. I stood in front of him, sipping my coffee. He inclined his head and raised his eyebrows, and, with shaking hands, I made him a cappuccino and pushed it across the counter.

When I saw his milky moustache, I managed to assert myself enough to form some words.

'Did the parents send you?' I asked him.

He wiped his face with the back of his hand. 'They paid for me. But I sent myself.'

'They let you come?'

'They trust me.' He looked at me hard. 'So, how's it going?' he said. 'Are we on for the weekend? I'm going back on your flight.'

I took a deep breath and looked down at the dirty floor. 'Actually,' I said, talking quickly, 'I'm going to stay here. Tom, you don't understand, but I can be normal here. I've finally managed it. I've got a life. I've got everything I've ever wanted. I'm happy. So I've decided to tell Liz the truth. We can tell her together, if you like. It's not fair of me to be messing things up just so she'll come away with me. You can tell Mother, if you like. Tom, it'll be better this way. Trust me. I'm your big sister, and I know.'

'That's no good, H,' he said, at once. He shook his head and his glossy hair moved. 'It's no good at all. You came here for a reason. The reason was to find Liz and bring her back to Mother. And that's what you have to do.'

'I want to do it another way. A better way. A grown-up way.'

'There isn't another way. There's the plan. That's it.' He looked, hard, into my face. 'I don't want to know about your love life, but if you're letting some man stop you, you're far more pathetic than I would have believed. Don't you want Mother to love you?'

I was stunned. 'Of course I do.'

'Don't you want to see her face when she realises what we've done?'

'Yes. Yes I do.'

He spoke urgently, with complete conviction. 'Helen, you've changed. I can't believe you've forgotten what this is all about. Bringing Liz to France is the thing that will make our family OK. Not just you. You're doing it for me. For Mother, and Papa. This is what will make us into a real family. Elizabeth has been missing for all this time, and we never realised it. She wasn't there and that was why nothing was right. If you don't do this — if you don't finish it off, follow it through — then I will never speak to you again, Helen. Never. Forget about Mother. If you don't do it, you will never even
see
me again. You think I'm a kid, but I'm sixteen now. I can run away from you just as easily as you can run from Mother. And I will.' He raised his chin and looked at me, the challenge in his eyes. 'Think about that.'

He left. I stared after him. I thought my little brother had lost the plot completely.

Matt came in.

'Whose is that coffee?' he asked.

'No one's,' I said, miserably.

'Clearly,' said Matt. 'Hey, Helen, are you OK?'

I nodded and smiled, and tried to act normally. The trouble was, I couldn't manage it. My sparkle had gone. For the rest of my shift, I went through the motions, but I couldn't get close to recapturing the morning's exhilaration. I smiled brightly, but my heart wasn't in it, and Matt could tell.

'Was it something I said?' he asked. 'Something I did?'

'No,' I assured him. I looked at him as he waited for an explanation, and I realised I had to provide one or he'd think I regretted everything. 'It's my little brother,' I managed to say. 'I heard from him. I think I'm going to have to go to France after all.'

Matt brightened up. He put a muscular arm around my shoulders. 'Hey,' he said. 'That's OK, isn't it? I mean, a weekend, that's nothing. You'll be back on Monday. Won't you?'

Would I be back on Monday? 'Of course I will,' I said, and I went outside to wipe some tables.

I kept busy until three, when I finished my shift. I couldn't bear to go to the flat, so I walked randomly for a while, not noticing anything going on around me. I half hoped that Tom would show up again, because I thought he might be following me, but instead I found myself outside Waitrose.

I walked in, to get out of the sun. For a second, I stood still, letting shoppers pass around me. I closed my eyes and scrunched them tight. I felt a tear forming in the corner of my eye. I wanted to cry because, suddenly, I didn't know what to do.

I loved Matt, but I could only ever have one mother. I needed her.

I decided to distract myself by doing a big shop for Liz. Whatever happened, I owed her. She always said she liked Waitrose but she couldn't afford to go there any more.