The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (18 page)

If you are unsure of which side you would have joined had you been alive during the Civil War, or if you are from one of those pesky border states, we have compiled a self-scoring exam to help you determine if you belong on the side of the North or the South. If you correctly score yourself on this page, you are ready to go ahead and attempt to score with others.

TRUE OR FALSE:

1.  
   

2. I truly believe the South won the Civil War, and will rise again.
   

    
   

3. I think prisons are built as affordable housing for black men.
   

    
   

4. I'm friends with a black guy who makes more money than I do and I'm okay with it.
   

    
   

5. Men only: I often wear overalls without a shirt underneath.
   

    
   

6. I know where to buy fitted white bed sheets with holes in them for my arms.
   

    
   

7. My ancestors and I consider other human beings who differed from us in any way to be property.
   

    
   

8. I think Rodney King got what he deserved.
   

    
   

9. I think Ron Goldman's wounds were self-inflicted.
   

    
   

10. The black women I would consider having a relationship with extends beyond Halle Berry.
    

     
    

11. Anytime I donate to the World Wildlife Fund I ask that my donation be returned if any of it gets earmarked to save the Black Panther.
    

     
    

12. I truly enjoy watching cars make left turns. I also consider these turn-lefters “athletes.”
    

     
    

13. I drink whiskey named “Rebel Yell.”
    

    

     
    

14. I fit into the stereotypes for both the common redneck, and his lesser known cousin, the Florida redneck.
    

     
    

15. I had no problem with Mr. Drummond's decision to take in Arnold and Willis in spite of the fact they were two black kids and he was a single white father living in Manhattan.
    

     
    

16. I tell the neighborhood kids that thunder occurs when God tells black people to move their furniture to their own side of heaven.
    

If you answered “true” to 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13, or 15, you would call the South home-sweet-home.

If you answered “true” to 3, 9, or 14, you are a Northerner.

If you answered “true” to 7 or 8, you're likely unable to perform day-to-day activities on your own, including feeding and clothing yourself, and are a drain on the system.

If you are answered “true” to both Northern and Southern traits, immediately move yourself to purgatory-on-Earth, otherwise known as Eastern Kentucky.

Much to the dismay of Southern economists, Abraham Lincoln saw his dream of former slaves running free in the streets across America come true with the passage of the Thirteenth Amendment. Proponents of abolishing slavery focused solely on the humanitarian side of slavery. They argued that slavery was archaic and abusive and served no purpose in the land of opportunity. On the other hand, those who lived in the South and were white realized that slavery was a luxury that most of them didn't want to live without. Slaves were like eager chore-completing children, only older and more productive. One black man could do the work of twelve children at a fraction of the cost.

Issued at the ass end of the Civil War, Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation had set most work-for-free blacks out on their own, unprepared to pursue a life of liberty. Slavery however, remained legal in the five states of New Jersey, Maryland, Missouri, Kentucky, and Delaware. The governor of Kentucky had refused to set the slaves of his state free in an effort to protect them from black-on-black crime. He believed he was doing blacks a favor by keeping them employed by their white owners and protecting them from each other.

Despite the Kentucky governor's best effort, the amendment to abolish slavery was ratified on December 6, 1865, leaving state legislators scrambling to build larger prisons. A poorly timed hunting expedition to Africa by the local KKK Chapter allowed Georgia to be the twenty-seventh state to pass the proposed amendment, giving Lincoln the required number of states he needed to set all black people free. The Cliff Notes to the Thirteenth Amendment reads:

During the second term of George W. Bush's presidency, former attorney general and torture supporter Alberto Gonzales authored another one of his not-for-your-eyes memos informing the office of the president it was authorized to interpret the portion of the Thirteenth Amendment that states “any place subject to their jurisdiction” to apply to all fifty states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, as well as Afghanistan and Iraq.

WITH A LACK OF SLAVERY FOUND IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ, VICE PRESIDENT/PRESIDENT CHENEY ASKED GONZALES IF THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT COULD ALSO BE INTERPRETED TO INCLUDE THE RIGHT TO USE COERCIVE INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES.
Upon review, the White House's legal yes man Gonzales told Cheney that his interpretation of the Thirteenth Amendment allows fraternity-like hazing techniques that include sleep deprivation, loud noises, and naked human pyramids.

The passing of the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865 may have abolished slavery, but it didn't cure the racial problems in America. The open-minded free thinkers in the Mississippi legislature did not ratify the amendment until 1995, 130 years after it was initially passed. Those crazy white Baptists even repealed Prohibition in 1965, thirty years after the rest of the country.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, RACIAL HATRED IS LIKE THE LAST FEW POUNDS YOU PUT ON DURING COLLEGE: THE HARDEST TO GET RID OF.