The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (7 page)

Paul Revere was a half-French colonist who at the time of his midnight run needed to get laid. He was in the midst of an all-time slump that he couldn't seem to break out of. No amount of clever pickup lines, begging, or alcohol seemed to get a woman of any race or attractiveness to open her pearly gates to him. He was at the receiving end of many jokes, mostly comparing him to a sexual camel that had a drink a long time ago and was now going through an obnoxiously long stretch without any action.
WITHIN PAUL'S HOMETOWN HE WAS QUICKLY ACHIEVING THE UNWANTED REPUTATION OF BEING A TAD DESPERATE, AND EVEN THE STOUTEST OF COLONIAL LADIES WERE TURNING HIM DOWN ON A REGULAR BASIS.

When Paul was asked to help the colonists cause by taking a midnight ride to warn of the impending British arrival, he was at first annoyed. He felt the main reason for the invitation was not his patriotism, bravery, or even his riding prowess; it was simply because everyone knew his late night calendar was painfully available. But as Paul began to sulk, he had the realization that going door to door warning of the British movement could actually prove to be a good way to meet ladies and end his own sexual problem of being “frequency-challenged,” as he called it. He reasoned he could use the opportunity to fish with a much wider net and see who jumped in.

The famous nighttime horse ride occurred over April 18 and 19 of 1775.

Paul and a desperate but not
as
desperate fellow jockey, William Dawes, were instructed to warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams of the coming British troops. The nearly born again virgin duo took different routes to protect against both of them being captured at the same time. As they went through each town, they took the opportunity to knock on doors, asking to meet the lady of the house along with “Mind if I come in?”

Revere is known today for his midnight ride to warn citizens that the “British are coming!” All the confusion started when a poet named Longfellow immortalized Revere's ride in a poem. With a name like Longfellow, he was too busy shagging hippie chicks to fact-check. Historians continue to overlook that the real reason for the quest was to get laid. Thankfully at the next to last house Paul finally got invited in and four minutes later the quick triggered Revere changed his shouts from “the British are coming” to a more adult themed “Paul Revere is cumming! Paul Revere is cumming!”

A team of Cornell history majors have traced Paul Revere's sexual frequency issues back to his attempts to win female favor through his use of the following lame pick up lines.

•  
  

• Let's have some porridge tomorrow morn. Shall I post thee or nudge thee?
  

•  
  

• My love for you is like diarrhea; I simply cannot hold it in!
  

•  
  

• Do you care for a raisin? How about a date?
  

•  
  

• If I planted a garden, may I place our tulips together?
  

Colonists in the New World of America had become tired of the meddling and micromanagement of their affairs from the motherland of Great Britain. In 1775 the teapot boiled over, and enraged revolutionists stood up to the parent country and took control of the governments of the thirteen somewhat flourishing New World colonies. Not interested in family or small-group counseling, the revolutionists instead set up their own Continental army along with a Second Continental Congress to act as a quasi-national government in charge of the war effort to expel British troops from the newly named United States.

Months before the war with the British Empire commenced, the army ran endless print and television ads encouraging young males to be all they could be within the army of one.
THE NEWLY FORMED CONTINENTAL ARMY OFFERED $60,000 BONUSES AND CHROME TOASTERS FOR THOSE WILLING TO SIGN THEMSELVES OR A FAMILY MEMBER UP AT
WWW.GOARMY.COM
.
Since the Revolutionary War preceded President Ronald Reagan's deficit defense spending model, the new recruits were asked to join other not so new recruits in bringing their sharpest knife to the fight, and keep to the “don't ask, don't tell” policy if they preferred fornicating with those of the same sex. Without government-issued uniforms the Southern soldiers were free to wear their favorite white wife beater shirts and the Northern combatants were okayed to wear comfort-fitting long johns of various colors. Since most of the soldiers were not career military-minded men, they often were forced to return home after a week or two of fighting the enemy, as they had farms to tend to.

Underequipped and underdressed for the occasion, the fighting farmers caught a break when they received legitimate war-winning weapons and stylish purple silk vests from the French government.
AS A TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION, WE SENT THE FRENCH FORMER
21 JUMP STREET
AND
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
STAR JOHNNY DEPP TO PARIS TO LIVE IN RETURN, KNOWING WITH HIS FEMININE MANNERISMS AND QUIRKY WAYS HE WOULD BE A GREAT ASSET TO THEIR SOCIETY.

Geared up in his new silk attire, public servant and military enthusiast George Washington played the role of Commander in Chief of the fashionably dressed ragtag army. As the fighting broke out, some colonies were valued more than others by England. Shaming the residents of the Keystone State forever, King George III was quoted in the
London Daily
newspaper saying, “It would be a joke to keep Pennsylvania” and quickly offered it back to the Indians in exchange for a series of commissioned totem poles depicting the hierarchy of the royal family. Once the totem poles were delivered to the British embassy in Washington, D.C., the mother country began losing interest in the war.

Following his shameful defeat at Yorktown in 1781, General Cornwallis threw in the towel like a good cut man should do. The Treaty of Paris was quickly written and signed off on allowing the British the opportunity to give up much of their land in America, for giving up the fight.