The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (40 page)

George W. Bush

1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Washington, DC 20500

1 (202) whiskey

[email protected]

Objective

Seeking a position that allows me to run up enormous amounts of debt, take frequent vacations, and have no accountability for any of my decisions.

Employment History

President, United States of America, 2001–2009

Talking marionette for Dick Cheney. Came to the aid of Cheney when it was determined he was too crusty and not likeable enough to be elected president himself. Not required to have a thought of my own as Dick made all the decisions.

On behalf of Dick, helped the richest 2 percent of Americans.

On behalf of Dick, created cool deck of cards full of Iraqi enemies.

Took longest presidential “vacation” ever when Dick laid me off.

First recovering alcoholic to be elected president. (I was a drunk long before I knew Dick.)

Governor, Texas, 1994–2000

With the help of an army of influential people, was handed the keys to the Texas governor's office.

Brought about legislative change allowing oil companies to pollute the environment more freely.

Borrowed billions of dollars so that the debt could be passed down to generations of Texans.

The great executioner. Set all time record for executions for a single governor.

Part Owner and Managing Partner,

Texas Rangers Major League Baseball, 1989–1994

Traded Sammy Sosa for some crap after realizing there was no room in the middle of the Ranger lineup for a guy to hit 600-plus homeruns.

Appeared on Jumbotron 1989.

Did what I was told 1990.

Left important decisions to others.

Chief Executive Officer,

Business disaster after business disaster, 1979–1989

Let's just say I headed up a couple of companies that were not as successful as I would have liked. I ran up billions, yes with a B, in debt and was bailed out by family and friends.

Town Drunk, 1967–1972

I used to party harder than the Kennedys.

Reference:

Kenneth Lay, Former Enron Executive

Albert Arnold Gore Jr.

4743 Environmental Lane

Mother Earth, Mother Earth 32946

(463) Go-Green

[email protected]

Objectives

As a political cyborg with a passion for the environment, I plan on stopping deforestation and providing clean air and water to all of earth's inhabitants, including the cute and lovable chipmunks. With a human form and a computerized brain, my success is inevitable.

Employment History

President, Victims of a Partisan U.S. Supreme Court

While Seeking Public Office, 2001-Present

Following loss to George W. Bush in the 2000 election, I started this not-for-profit company in an attempt to combat the political influence of the right wing in the United States Supreme Court and provide support for any and all left-wing extremists who encounter unfavorable decisions from the high court while seeking public office in the future.

After five years and no clients I feel I have a lot of time on my hands.

Grew a beard to increase “hippiecred.”

As president of the company, I require staff to call me Mr. President, and it feels real good.

Vice President, United States, 1993–2001

I was the man behind the man for eight years. I proved to the country that I can keep a secret. Enjoyed Clinton's impeachment hearing, and was indifferent with the result.

Played “Yang” to Clinton's “Yin.”

Invented the Internet (damn, I'm good).

Hung the moon and the sun.

Senator, United States, 1984–1993

Uneventful and boring, just the way I like it. Continued to cheat on Tipper with Mother Earth. Goodness I love her, so green, leafy, and full of water with a salty aftertaste.

Proposed legislation requiring Ted Kennedy to recycle his beer cans.(1985)

Proposed legislation requiring Ted Kennedy to recycle his liquor bottles.(1989)

Proposed legislation requiring Ted Kennedy to recycle bottles and cans from his mixers. (1992)

Congressman, United States House of Representatives, 1976–1982

Feel free to omit above position when considering my resume, as I accomplished very little in those six years.

Reference:

Mother Earth. Of course.

Armed with box cutters and a deep-rooted hatred for America, fifteen men from Saudi Arabia, two from the United Arab Emirates, one from Egypt, and one from Lebanon bordered four civil airliners on the morning of September 11, 2001, with the intention of meeting Mohammad and the seventy-two virgins promised to each of them for their cowardly homicidal actions that were to follow.

The nineteen terrorists were the chosen foot soldiers, following years of planning to strike at the heart of the American community. The masterminds of the attacks were safely tucked away in less-than-luxurious caves in the mountain region of Afghanistan, watching the horrific events unfold on satellite television. Unable to acquire the weapons necessary to cause enormous destruction in the United States, the Al Qaida think tank opted for commercial aircrafts full of aviation fuel to act as the missiles they desperately desired. With their irrational dislike for the United States as their motivation, the Islamist terrorists hijacked four cross-country flights, taking over their cockpits and turning the aircrafts into weapons of war.

American Airlines flight 11 left Boston, Massachusetts, en route to Los Angeles, California, carrying eighty-one passengers and eleven crew members. Fifteen minutes into the flight, five of those passengers ignored the “stay seated with your seat belt securely fastened signs” and instead went from fare paying passengers to hijackers as they took over the plane.

Mohamed Atta, one of the hijackers, put the flight-training skills he had recently acquired from a Venice, Florida, aviation school to work as he turned the plane away from its scheduled flight plan and instead headed toward New York City, the financial capital of the United States. Traveling at approximately 466 miles per hour, at 8:46 a.m., Atta navigated the plane into his desired destination, the north tower of the World Trade Center. Flight 11 made impact between floors ninety-three and ninety-nine, killing all on board instantly. Immediately, media speculation was that pilot error must be to blame for the tragedy.

That same morning, United flight 175 left Logan International airport with a planned arrival for LAX in Los Angeles, California. Carrying fifty-six passengers and nine crew members, the plane was fortunately far from being filled to capacity. Playing the role of Mohamed Atta on this flight was United Arab Emirates non-Christian Marwan al-Shehhi, one of Atta's flight school companions and a member of his T-Mobile “myFaves.” At 8:52 a.m., a “the sky's the limit when you put your mind to it” male flight attendant contacted United Airlines' San Francisco office to report the hijacking.

Eleven minutes later, at approximately 9:03 a.m., flight 175, traveling at a speed of 545 miles per hour, struck the neighboring south tower of the World Trade Center, instantly killing all on board along with hundreds of “must get to work on time” Trade Center employees. Immediately, speculation of pilot error for flight 11 ceased as the media began to report that the United States was under attack.

American Airlines flight 77 left Washington Dulles airport on a direct, nonstop flight to sunny Los Angeles, California, with five American-hating terrorists on board. Thirty minutes into the flight, with a belief that they were doing Allah's work, the five terrorists took control of the aircraft.

Receiving his flight training in the comfort of the Middle East — like heat of Scottsdale, Arizona, Atta and al-Shehhi's counterpart Hani Hanjour took over the piloting of the plane. Ignoring the star power of Los Angeles and its famous residents, Hanjour abandoned the Washington to Los Angeles American Airlines itinerary in favor of his own Washington to Pentagon itinerary. Before he had a chance to change his mind about taking a Hollywood stars bus tour, at approximately 9:37 a.m., he slammed the plane into the western portion of the Pentagon at a speed of 540 miles per hour, killing all sixty-four passengers, crew, and terrorists along with another 125 employees and visitors inside the Pentagon.

United Airlines flight 93 left Newark, New Jersey, on a scheduled flight to the rainbow-flag-appreciating city of San Francisco, California. Onboard were thirty-seven passengers and seven crew members. Approximately forty minutes into the flight, the terrorists mobilized and secured control of the plane.

Once in control, Lebanese-born Ziad Jarrah entered the cockpit, taking on the duties of pilot despite not being on the United Airlines payroll. The hijackers herded the passengers to the back of the plane, where several of them began to make calls to family and friends to inform them of their situation. During these conversations, the passengers of flight 93 learned the sobering news that other planes had been hijacked earlier in the morning and used as missiles.

Realizing that the terrorists were on a suicide mission, the passengers revolted and attempted to take back control of the plane. As the confrontation became more intense, the hijackers abandoned their plans to crash the plane into the speculated target of either the White House or United States Capitol building and instead brought the plane down in a rural area of Stonycreek Township in Somerset County, Pennsylvania. With the impact measured at 563 miles per hour, all on board died instantly.

With the country under attack with passenger airliners as the weapon of choice, all flights throughout the United States were grounded and those currently in the air were ordered to land immediately at the nearest airport so government officials could get a handle on the developing situation. Speculation of who was behind these acts of terrorism immediately turned to Osama Bin Laden. The Saudi Arabian national quickly became public enemy number one.

As rescue efforts continued in Manhattan at the World Trade Center, both the North and South towers crumbled to the ground under the intense heat from the raging fires. With four passenger planes crashed, two towers down, and the Pentagon severely damaged, the death toll rose to a chilling 2,976 people. With the world on our side, the American people demanded that President George W. Bush prepare an immediate and unmeasured response to the most devastating acts of terrorism ever experienced on American soil.