The Space Between Us (22 page)

   “What am I going to do?”

   “I think you should call Asher.  He needs to be here for you right now.”

   Suddenly, telling Asher that I was pregnant seemed like the hardest thing I could ever possibly have to do.  How would I explain this to him?  How did this even happen?  I wasn’t ready to talk to him about it.  I turned back to my desk and started searching the internet for a clinic I could get another test done at.  I had seen them around before and I needed someone else to confirm this for me.

   “Charlie, what are you doing?”

   “I need another test.  A blood test.  These could be wrong,” I said as I swept the three tests into the top drawer of my desk, landing right next to a calculator and a few pens.  I slammed the drawer shut.

   “You think all three of those pregnancy tests are wrong?”  I turned to look at her.

   “I need something else, Reeve.  A doctor or a nurse to tell me the results.  Please, just let me do this.”  She sighed loudly but didn’t argue with me any more about it.

   I found a pregnancy resource center not too far from campus that opened an hour ago.  “Will you come with me?”  I asked Reeve hopefully.

   “Of course.”
  I breathed a little easier knowing I wouldn’t be going alone.

   When we got to the clinic, nothing was going as planned.

  “What do you mean you don’t do blood tests?!”

   “Just exactly that.  We only do urine tests.  They are just as accurate as blood tests.”  The woman sitting behind the desk at the clinic looked aggravated by my outburst, but also looked like she’d dealt with crazy college students freaking out over a pregnancy before.  She was calm, but obviously wasn’t going to take any crap from anyone.

   “I already took three pee tests and they came back positive,” I said, quieter now.  Her face softened and she leaned a little closer.

   “What’s your name, dear?”

   “Charlie,” I nearly whispered.

   “Charlie, it is very uncommon to get a false positive result on a pregnancy test.  It happens, but it is rare.  It is more likely to get a false negative.  The tests you took at home, they are very reliable.  But I would be happy to have our staff administer another urine test for you, just
in case you need that to feel more secure about the result.”

   “I really wanted a blood test.”

   “Sweetie, even if you were at a hospital, or an OBGYN’s office, they would still only give you a urine test.  It’s how we do it.  I’m sorry you’re upset.  Would you like us to give you a urine test?” 

   I looked at Reeve and she just rubbed her hand along my back, trying to offer her support.  I looked back to the receptionist and nodded.  She gave me a slight smile and then took Reeve and I back to an exam room.  She gave me a little cup that was sealed shut and gave me the instructions.  I went into the private bathroom and peed in the cup, again, cursing modern technology for not making this whole process easier on emotionally ravaged women just trying to learn their fate.  I washed my hands at least three times and took the cup back to the exam room.

   A few minutes later a nurse came in and greeted me with a friendly smile.  I tried to smile back, but I probably looked like I was grimacing.  She was talking about the weather, how it was getting chillier.  She took a little, tiny slip of paper and dipped it in the cup then laid it on a paper towel.  She continued to chatter about how she’d spent her weekend.  After a minute she looked back down at the paper and then smiled at me.

   “Positive.”

   “Are you sure?”

   “Yes.  It’s positive.  You’re expecting.”
  I was not in the least
expecting
this. What a shitty way to tell someone they’re pregnant. 

   I bit my lip, trying to keep the tears at bay again.  I don’t know why I expected a different outcome, but I had hoped.

  “But I’m on the pill.  I had my period just three weeks ago.  This just can’t be happening.”

   “I can’t speak about your birth control, but I can tell you it is common for women to still menstruate even while pregnant, especially in the early stages.”

   “Why don’t I know this?  Why doesn’t anyone talk about this?”  I was about to lose it.  I could feel myself breathing faster and my heart was beating quickly.

   “You’re free to remain in the room as long as you need, dear.  Let me leave you with some information.  Know that we are here five days a week and you can always come talk to one of our counselors if you need to.”  She handed me a few pamphlets.  I sifted through them and gathered that they were information on the choices I was faced with.  Abortion?  Adoption?  Parenting?  There was no pamphlet for Crawling Under A Rock And Praying This Is A Dream.

   Reeve and I walked home.  For someone whose life had been so drastically altered in the last two hours, I didn’t feel any different.  I was tired, but figured that was from all the crying and the vomiting.  Other than that, I couldn’t tell I was currently creating a human being in my body.  That was a real crime.  Mother Nature should make it painfully obvious the instant you become pregnant. Your skin should change color or your belly should light up.  Something.  Anything to give us a clear indication.  Something to help along the people, like me, who just couldn’t believe this was happening to them.

   When we made it back to the house I found Asher sitting in the foyer. He looked up when we came in and smiled.  But his smile immediately turned into a frown when he saw me.

   “Are you ok?  What’s wrong?” I obviously wore my current mental state on my sleeve.  He held me immediately and I couldn’t stop the tears that fell against his shirt as I rested my head against his chest.  Our bodies could do amazing things: trick you into believing your birth control is working, grow a fucking person, produce enough tears to fill a lake and still have more left to cry.

   “Why don’t you guys go up to our
room?  I will keep everyone out of your hair,” Reeve said to Asher.

   “Thanks
,” he said and led me up the stairs to my room.

Chapter Eight

  
I felt his chest moving up and down.  That is what woke me up.  The sound of his breath leaving and entering his lungs, the rhythmic movement of my head bobbing up and down as he breathed, the warmth of his hands on my back.  I don’t remember coming to my room with Asher and I don’t remember lying down with him, but I was curled up on his chest, our legs intertwined with each other, his arms wrapped around my body.  My eyes fluttered open and I looked right into the slate-gray pools of metal looking back at me.

  
“Hey,” he whispered.

   “Hi,” I respond
ed, just as quiet.  We looked at each other for a while.  I was sure he was wondering what happened to me and all I could think about was what I was about to do to him.  To us.  Right now he was in his purgatory. His life was still the same as it was yesterday.  He was still a nineteen-year-old guy with no real worries or responsibilities.  And I was about to ruin it.

   “Wanna te
ll me what’s going on?”  He said, running one of his hands through my hair.  I took just thirty more indulgent seconds to remember us as we are in this moment, holding each other, loving each other.  I didn’t know how he was going to respond to my pregnancy, but I knew nothing would ever be the same.

   “I got sick again on the way home from your house this morning.”  My voice was so quiet.  I didn’t have the energy to speak any louder.  Perhaps I felt like saying it loud enough for someone else to hear it would make it more true.  “Reeve and I were trying to figure out why I was sick again.  If i
t was something I ate or a bug.  Then we both kind of realized that both times I got sick it was in the morning.”  I turned my head slightly to look at him, waiting for the realization to strike him.  Some sadistic part of me must have wanted to watch the look on his face as his world came crashing down around him.  “Reeve thought I should take a pregnancy test.” 

   I watched as the color slowly drained from his face.  His chest stopped moving up and down because he stopped breathing.  His hands did not brush through my
hair.  He understood what I said and what I hadn’t said.  I felt one solitary and lonely tear trek down my cheek and I did nothing to wipe it away.  It was what it was.  A symbol of how alone I felt in that moment, still wrapped in his arms, yet so far away from him.

   “Did you take one?”  He finally managed.

   “I took four.”

   “And?”

   “They all came back positive.”

   He sat up, forcin
g me to move from where I was laying on him.  I watched as he slid to the edge of the bed, running one hand through his hair, the other resting on his knee.  “You’re pregnant?”

   “That’s what everyone keeps telling me.”  I reach
ed out to press my fingers to his back, to make a connection, to feel something besides the fear that is coursing through my veins.  He stood up the moment my fingers reach him and the contact was lost.  I felt him moving away from me.

   “You’ve been on the pill since forever,” he
pointed out, as if that would change everything I had just told him.  I took a deep breath.  He hadn’t had hours to take this all in as I had.  He was processing everything now and I tried to remain patient, giving him the same opportunity I had to freak the fuck out.

   “I know, Babe.  It didn’t work.”

   “Didn’t work?  It always works.  That’s its
one
job.  To keep you from getting pregnant.  Did you miss a pill or something?”

   I tried really hard to keep my voice even and not let anger take over my emotions.  “No.  I didn’t forget to take a pill.  I took them every day, like clockwork.  Every. Day.”

   “Then tell me how this happened?”  He paced now, back and forth from my door to my window.  Back and forth.

   “Sometimes things just happen.”

   “What are you going to do about it?”  He stopped pacing and was looking at me.  He was still across the room.

   “It?  What do you mean?  We ha
ven’t even spoken about what our choices are.”

   “You have to get rid of it.”

   “Stop calling it an
it
!  It’s not an it.  It’s a baby!”  He was instantly just an inch from my face.  And even though just seconds earlier I wanted him to be close to me, I didn’t want this Asher anywhere near me.  He was angry and I could see the rage in his eyes.

   “It’s not a baby, Charlie.  It’s just a mass of cells right now.  It’s not a person, or a baby, it’s a thing.  It’s a parasite.  We
can’t
have a baby.  We’re too young.  We’re both in school.  We can’t take care of a baby.  Think about it.  There’s only one choice.”

  
“There are
three
choices,” I said, matching his tone.  He’d never been this mad at me before, and I wasn’t about to cower down in front of him.  This was not the Asher I had been with for five years.  “We can keep the baby and choose to be parents, or we choose adoption and give the baby to a couple who wants to have a baby.  Abortion is also an option, but I’m going to be honest Asher, I’m not comfortable with abortion.  I don’t think I could do it.”

   “So, you’re just going to have a baby?  You’re not even going to consider having it taken care of?”

   “TAKEN CARE OF?  Listen to yourself, Asher.”  I moved towards him, placing my hands on his face, trying to talk some sense into him.  “This is a baby,
our
baby.  You want me to just throw it away, like garbage?  I can’t do that.  It’s a part of us.  No matter how you look at it, it’s a piece of you and a piece of me, together.  I can’t get rid of that.  I won’t.”

   “Why did you ask for my input if it doesn’t matter?”  His voice was softer, but still angry.

   “I want to make the decision together.  It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, but I won’t choose abortion.”

   “You’d rather drop out and become a teenage mother?”

   He was right.  I was now a statistic.  I sat back down on the bed and gave in to the exhaustion, folding in on myself, curling around my knees.  “I never thought I’d be having this conversation, ever.  And even if I had considered the idea that you and I would be faced with having to make this decision, I never would have imagined…” my voice broke and the tears started again.  Yesterday, even an hour ago, if I had broken down in tears in front of him there would have been nothing anyone could do to keep him from comforting me.  “I never would have imagined you’d be so cold.”

   “I’m sorry, Charlie.  I’m not trying to be cold.  I’m trying to be realistic.  How would we raise a baby?  How could either of us get through school?  How would I ever manage to make it through law school with a baby?
  I’m not dumb.  I understand that you have all the power here to make whatever decision you’re going to make.  I just pray you make the right one.”

   “I wanted us to make the decision together.  I wanted you to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok.”

   “Yeah, well, it seems like nothing is ever going to be ok again.”  We were frozen in place, me lying on the bed, tears still fresh on my face, and him across the room looking at me with disinterest, his gray eyes empty.  “I’m gonna go. I need to think.  Alone.”

   “You’re leaving?”

   “I can’t stay here.”

   “Can I come with you?”  I was desperate in that moment for the old Asher to c
ome back to me.  I searched for the warmth I knew he had the capacity for, but was holding back from me.

   “I can’t stay with you.”

   There was never, ever, a time when I thought I would hear Asher say those words to me.

   “Ok.”

   Then he left.

   When Reeve made it back to our room I’m sure she was paralyzed by what she saw.  I was on my way to a complete mental breakdown.  Everything that had been on my desk was now
on the floor.  My bedding was torn off and crumpled by the bathroom.  The mattress sprawled on the floor.  I sat on the overturned desk, leaning my back up against the wall, sobbing.  She ran over to me and pulled me off the desk.

   “Charlie, what’s going on?  Where’d Asher go?”

   “He left me.”

   “He left you?  What do you mean?”

   “He doesn’t want me anymore.”

   “
You must have misunderstood him,” she said, shaking her head, just as surprised about it as I was.  “What did he say?”

   I sniffled and wiped my nose on my shirt sleeve, stalling, not wanting to relive what had happened.  “He wants me to have an abortion.  I told him I didn’t think I could.  He said he couldn’
t stay with me.”  Her eyebrows furrowed and she looked confused.

   “Couldn’t stay with you right now, or couldn’t stay with you any more at all?”

   “Is there a difference?  Right now is when it’s most important that he stay with me.  So, if he’s gone now, he’s gone.”