The Stolen Suitor (12 page)

I don’t think that’d be fair to either of you
. Jeremy’s words came back, and they made Chris cringe just as much as when Jeremy had said them the first time.

Fair? John dying wasn’t fair. Sebastian fooling around behind his back wasn’t fair.
Life
wasn’t fair. He was trying to do the right thing here—a good thing, the responsible thing.

But was it fair to Trix? What if Henry had caught them him kissing Jeremy? Would Trix have been horrified when she heard the gossip? Hurt? Didn’t Chris owe it to her to tell her how it was, for real? He’d always been able to talk to Trix, but since John’s death, there was so much neither of them dared say.

He felt a wave of guilt. He shouldn’t be messing with Jeremy at all. And he needed to be honest with Trix. Chris might want to marry Trix for what he considered to be the right reasons, but Trix deserved to know what those were and weren’t. Trix deserved to know all of the facts beforehand. He couldn’t assume she understood, and he couldn’t make that choice for her.

Oh God.

Chris reeled in his line and cast it again, just to have something physical to do. But after it landed, he knew it was pointless. The fish weren’t biting today. It was Chris himself who was on the hook, waiting for the line to pull him in.

AROUND
noon, Chris drove over to Big Basin. They loaded up Trix’s Wrangler, because it had a back passenger row with a car seat for Janie, and headed over to the county fair in Butte.

Janie and Trix talked about what they’d see at the fair most of the way. Janie was so excited, she was ready to bust, but Trix seemed a little distant. Then again, she often had bad days like that. Chris figured she was thinking about what it had been like going to the fair with John. In fact,
he
remembered going to the fair in Butte with John. They must have been about fifteen, and someone’s older brother had driven a few of them over there. They’d done every ride twice, and eaten so much they’d nearly been sick on the way home.

The memory made him smile, and it also ached like a sore tooth.

The fair was crowded, and it was a hot day, but they did everything there was to do. Janie was not in the best of moods. She’d refused to let them take the stroller out of the car because it was “for a baby.” And she still wouldn’t let Chris hold her, so when she got tired, Trix had to do all the carrying. Trix was not amused. She seemed to be making an effort to be cheerful, but her eyes were flat, and Janie’s enthusiasm over the fair was a little too manic to be real happiness. Chris felt like he was going through the motions.

That’s what grief is. It’s feeling wrong-footed. It’ll be better next year. And if not next year, then the year after that
.

And if he and Trix had a child together, that would help, surely.

A visceral memory of holding, kissing, Jeremy came into his mind, bringing ache and mild panic along with it.

But no. Jeremy was nothing but a temporary crush. He was a twenty-year-old gay kid. He’d be moving away soon, and he’d want to sow his wild oats, like Chris had at that age. And even if Jeremy eventually wanted to settle down, even if he was interested in being in a “heteronormative” couple, he’d be far away by then and it would be much too late.

“TRIX,
there’s something I need to tell you.”

They were driving home from the fair, and Janie was out like a light in the backseat. Chris knew he had to say it. He should have said it months ago.

“What’s up?” Trix reached over and rubbed his arm, concerned. They were such good friends. They were. And he could do this. They could talk openly. There was too much at stake not to.

“It’s, um…. Maybe John mentioned it… I mean, I guess I always assumed you knew. But… I’m bisexual. The last relationship I had, in Denver, was with a man. I’ve been with more men than I have women, to be honest. I just… wanted to make sure you knew.”

Trix glanced into the backseat to make sure Janie was sleeping. She didn’t seem particularly shocked. “I know that, Chris. I know the girls you dated in high school. I was there, remember? And I know you were out in Denver. John told me.”

“Okay. Good.” Chris felt a surge of relief. His hands relaxed on the wheel, and the knuckles actually hurt from how hard he’d been gripping it. “Do you, um, have any questions? About that?”

Trix played with her seatbelt with one hand and the other remained on his arm, which seemed like a good sign. “I guess I’d like to know what it is you want, Chris. Really and truly.”

God, as if he knew
. But he did. He thought he did.

“I tried to have a monogamous relationship with a man. It wasn’t healthy. I want… I want you and Janie, a forever home, you know, like a Labrador retriever.” He laughed nervously. “And maybe more kids.”

Trix sighed and looked relieved. “Good. Don’t worry, Chris. It’s fine with me if we’re… I dunno, more like friends. I had the love of my life with John. Honestly, I could never replace him, and I don’t intend to try. I feel safe with you, and that’s enough. Janie needs a father in her life. And the ranch…. I don’t want to have to do everythin’ alone. It’s too hard.”

Chris frowned at that. Trix was letting him off the hook sexually. Which was a good thing. So why did it feel so shitty?

“I know you’re not ready for any of that yet…,” Chris said leadingly, low nausea in his belly making him anxious to retreat.

“I’m not,” Trix said firmly. “I’m not ready.”

“That’s fine. We don’t have to commit to anything right now. We can just be friends awhile longer.”
Maybe I’m not ready either
.
And maybe I should be worried about that.

“Just so you know,” Trix said, looking at him worriedly. “Since you’re being honest with me, I should be honest with you. I mean it when I say I’m not lookin’ to replace John. You’re my friend, Chris, and I do love you, but it will never be like that with us. I just don’t have it left in me. And maybe that’s not fair to
you
. You should think about that.”

“I… guess I already knew that.”

But it was still sobering to hear her say it out loud.
It will never be like that with us. I will never love you like that.
Yet, how could he hold it against Trix for offering him a shallow marriage? Wasn’t that what he was offering her?

The thought was too much to bear. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe he was wrong too. Maybe the love they had for each other would grow into something more. If not Romeo and Juliet, at least something fond and pleasant and occasionally lusty. And wasn’t that more than most people had?

“Thanks for understandin’,” Trix said sincerely, a little misty-eyed.

“Of course.”

Chris wondered why his heart felt so heavy and simultaneously empty when he’d just gotten what he wanted.

MABELINE
Crassen sipped her second cup of coffee at her little kitchen table, relishing the quiet of having both Eric and Jeremy out of the house on a Tuesday morning.

She felt as pleased with herself as a woman in her position had any right to feel. Her plan might actually come off. Eric had been working at Big Basin for a couple of weeks now. Trix was sure to fall to his charms with him so close.

As for Jeremy… last time Mabe visited the Merc, Minola mentioned that she’d seen him in the store a lot lately. He’d been dressing different too—not wearing his clothes so baggy that they might as well be potato sacks. And he’d been keeping his hair washed and blow-dried real nice and straight. His usual staring into space had taken on a dreamy, lovey-dovey quality. And she also knew he’d withdrawn money from the bank for those riding lessons just so’s he could be around Chris Ramsey. Not that he’d admitted that, but a mother knew these things.

A mother knew other things too.

Jeremy was her baby and he always would be. She loved him fierce. He’d been a good son, working long hours at that diner and helping her out with more than his share of the bills. She would have been in sorry trouble without him.

But she wasn’t blind to his faults. Seemed like he’d had his nose stuck in a book since before he learned to walk. He’d never been what you might call sociable. She knew it hadn’t been easy on him, with Frank going into prison when Jeremy was so young. She knew the other kids had teased him at school.

She also knew he was gay. Maybe it was like they said, and some people were just born like that. Or maybe it had to do with losing his father when he did, not having a grown man around. But whatever it was, it was purely a fact now. Those men’s-health magazines Jeremy bought and kept under his bed had nothing to do with wanting to exercise. She wasn’t born yesterday.

So she’d given him a little shove toward Chris Ramsey, and, yes, that suited her plans for Eric and Trix too. Lots of things could come from a little shove. And if anyone knew that right down to their toes, it was Mabe Crassen.

I wondered if you had some time in your schedule to do for me.

She poured herself another cup of coffee. What the hell. A woman her age gained weight just by walking down the bakery aisle. At least coffee didn’t have calories. She sipped it thoughtfully.

Maybe she’d been too hasty telling Billy no. Maybe that was just the little shove she needed for herself. She’d never gone past high school, but Jeremy hadn’t gotten his brains from thin air.

She hummed idly as ideas and dreams and even the sorts of tingles she hadn’t felt in ages ran around inside her. Then she got up and marched into her bedroom. She opened the closet door and looked at herself in the full-length mirror on the inside.

She shook her head. “Mabeline Stucky Crassen, you sure have let yourself go to seed. Um-um.”

She twisted this way and that. Times had been hard, too hard for luxuries like salons and fancy clothes. And she’d been a single mother for years. God knew her boys didn’t care one whit what she looked like. Still…. She put both hands around her waist, pinching in the loose fabric of her housedress, and squeezed. The years hadn’t done in her looks altogether, she didn’t think. There might be some life in the old girl yet.

“Karen at the beauty shop owes me a favor,” she thought out loud. She’d babysat often for Karen, another single mother. And she had refused to take the young woman’s money in return.

Did she really want to clean house for Billy Stubben? Could she bear it?

Thing was, she’d hadn’t had a reason to speak to Billy, not even once since that horrible day so very long ago. Oh, she’d seen him around town—him alone, then him and his wife, Polly, then the two of them and little John. She’d watched from a distance as Billy buried Polly a few years back. Not that Mabe felt any particular sense of vengeance that day. She’d felt neither one way nor another about the death of the woman who’d taken her place, been mistress of Big Basin and Billy Stubben’s wife. She’d only observed how the passage of time and grief had stolen so much from Billy, yet left behind so much too.

With a determined nod at her reflection, Mabe went back to the kitchen and wrote down a brief note that she’d drop by Billy’s mailbox later that day.

I have decided that I will clean house for you under a few condisions:

1. The cost is $20 an hour.

2. You need to be in the house when I clean, case I have questions.

3. Tuesday morning or Saturday afternoon would suit.

Leave your answer at the Merc since I go there regular.

Mabe

ON
Wednesday, Trix pulled into Big Basin and parked the Wrangler in front of the ranch house. She felt weary to the bone.
Come on, girl.
One day at a time
.

She’d made an appointment to see Dr. Bennett this morning after a sleepless night. Fortunately, he’d gotten her in right away. Janie, who was now conked out in the backseat, had been increasingly fussy and misbehaving lately, and last night she’d had terrible nightmares and cried for an hour when Trix woke her.

Dr. Bennett had assured her it was normal.

“But it’s been almost a year since John’s funeral. She’s only four years old. I thought children forgot things quicker than we do.”

Dr. Bennett’s sympathetic and kind expression put paid to that notion. “My dear, I’m afraid losing a parent isn’t something that quickly fades. All four-year-olds act out and test boundaries. Add to that the fact that Janie probably has feelings about her father’s absence that she doesn’t understand and can’t express…. Anger. Grief. It’s perfectly normal. All you can do is love and comfort her and set consistent limits. That’s all any parent can do.”

It was, Trix now thought, perfectly normal. Perfectly normal for a little girl to get angry at life for taking her daddy away. It
was
unfair, and horrible. And Janie was too young to have to learn that life could be cruel.

The trip to the doctor had put a dent into Trix’s list of chores for the day. She’d have to call her mama and ask her to come sit with Janie while she napped so Trix could get some work done. Her mama was always anxious to help. Everyone was anxious to help. But more often than not, Trix just wanted to be left alone.

She got Janie from the car, hoping not to wake her. But Janie woke and wiggled to get down. When Trix set her on her feet, she took off toward the riding ring.

Where Eric was riding Dustin, a lovely brown gelding they boarded for a very fussy lady. Trix felt a surge of anger. She should have known Eric’s true colors would emerge sooner or later. She’d given him an inch—permission to ride Stormy after his work was done—and he’d taken a mile. There he was, riding a boarder’s horse without permission, and midmorning too.

And getting Janie all het up about riding.

Trix followed her daughter to the ring, fairly steaming.

Janie was standing on the lower rung of the fence when Trix got there, watching Eric and Dustin, her thumb in her mouth—another regressive behavior she’d been doing lately.