The Story of Tom Brennan (18 page)

My heart pumped hard as I ran onto the field. The familiar green and white jerseys huddled round. But in the stands it was red and white, everywhere.

For a second I stood completely still, taking it all in.

A couple of the St John's boys lamely waved. From the other side of the field Matt gave us a thumbs up. Even from there I could tell his face was strained. It made me want to spew. I tried to smile back, but I could feel the corners of my mouth pulling down.

'You've done nothing wrong,' I told myself, over and over, as I jumped up and down on the spot. 'Keep your head up. Don't let them get to you. You've done nothing wrong.'

Tonelli looked psyched as he tossed the coin.

'We'll take that way.' Tonelli glared at Matt as he pointed towards the grandstand. Matt nodded.

I watched them shake hands. 'All the best,' Matt said. Tonelli grunted.

First half was tough but scrappy with a lot of dropped ball. It was nerves that played the biggest part. We all knew this was more than a game.

We went to the break 9–0 down, but we were doing okay. Jimmy's last-ditch try-saving tackle meant our line hadn't been crossed. His smile was priceless and that lifted my mood.

Half-time and we were still in it with a hope. Harvey hammered home, 'Stay focused!' Dad didn't say much. I think he was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing, and he must've known I was too. Like a silent pact we avoided eye contact.

'Rory,' Harvey instructed. 'Kick it down there, boy, and we'll play it in their quarter. Jimmy, pin your ears back and put pressure on the back three. Let them make the mistakes. They're feeling the strain too.' He clapped his hands. 'You're not out of this, boys.'

'Forwards, get to the breakdown quicker – and no penalties,' Dad added. 'Dig deep. Bust your guts for the next forty.' Because we're busting ours, I wanted to say for him.

'Wiseman, you look stuffed.' Harvey handed him a towel.

'I'm fine, Sir.'

'Tom?'

'Yep. Fine.'

'Good.' Harvey nodded. 'So it bloody should be. I'm proud of you, boys.'

The second half was more free-flowing, the type of play St John's liked, the ball swinging across the field and from end to end. We held firm. Still no tries.

Rory kicked downfield. Their full-back knocked on, our scrum twenty metres out. I tapped Gonzales, our lock, on the back. He knew the move.

'Huge effort, boys!' Harrigan yelled as they packed in tightly.

Picking the ball up from the back of the scrum, Gonzales broke wide, taking the St John's lock and breakaway in the tackle. As Gonzales fell, he slipped the ball to me and I clapped it on. I spotted the gap, wrong-footed the full-back, outpacing the cover, and dived between the posts. Try for Bennie's.

'You beauty!' The boys came running. I was swamped. Through the arms and legs jumping around me I caught sight of Matt.

'Too good,' he mouthed.

After the conversion the score was 9–7. They were just in front, unheard of against Bennie's.

St John's picked up the pace, and for a while it was desperate stuff. With just over ten minutes to go we were defending on our line, but with no further score it was still anyone's game.

The crowd was cheering, 'Go the red machine.' I was sure I could hear Chrissy.

With a scrum on our line, St John's were screaming, 'Push over, push over.' You could smell their hunger. They wanted to finish us.

Then through the grunting and straining, a lone St John's voice rose above the sweaty bodies. I caught two words, 'killer' and 'Brennan'.

I staggered backwards. I thought I'd prepared for this. But you can't. Your guard is thrust away, and the words hit like bolts of electricity, every nerve in your body screeching with pain.

'Mother-fuuuuckers!' Brad yelled, and with a grunt the Bennie's pack gripped tighter. 'MOWER,' he roared as they splintered the St John's pack, driving the green and white scrum backwards. I heard the effort in their groans as they dug deep. Dug deep for me.

The siren rang for full-time, the score still 9–7 but you would've thought we were the winners. The Bennie's boys jumped all over each other as the St John's team looked on.

I started walking. I couldn't stay. I stumbled across the oval, my legs feeling like jelly, my head like it was disconnected from my body. The red and white in the stands was turning to a mottled blur.

'Tom?' Matt called. 'Tom!' He followed me as I headed to the fence.

'Tom!' His hand was on my shoulder. 'Mate, that was fucked. That, that shouldn't be fucking allowed. The ref should've . . .'

'I got to get out of here.' Now I was walking faster. 'I'll talk to you later, mate, but now I got to . . . I got to go . . .'

Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned only because I heard her voice.

'I've got the car,' Chrissy said quickly. 'Come on.'

She took my hand and steered me through the crowd.

Chrissy didn't try to make conversation, she just drove. I sat there in my dirty footy gear staring out the window. At dusk we passed the sign for Aralen and crossed the Dungog bridge. Instead of keeping on the highway, Chrissy made a sharp turn to the right. In a few minutes we were on a dirt road and the night sky was shining.

'Are you kidnapping me?' Finally I could talk. Then I started laughing. 'Oh, shit!'

'Are you okay?'

'Whoa.' I shook my head and loudly exhaled.

She stopped the car and turned the engine off. Suddenly it was so quiet.

'Where are we?' I whispered.

'My dad used to take us here for picnics.' She opened the door. 'Oh, we can't see a thing, it's so dark. Stupid idea coming here, hey?'

'No. I needed a bit of space between them and me.'

'Well, you got that.' She closed the door. 'It's freezing out there.'

'It is the middle of winter,' I reminded her. 'At least you're not in shorts.'

'There's probably a blanket in the back.'

'Thanks.'

'I'll get it.'

'No, I mean thanks for getting me out of there.'

'I don't know what happened out there,' she said, 'but I could tell you were looking for the exit.'

'Yeah.'

'Was that a friend from Mumbilli? The guy following you?'

'My best mate.' I put my hands over my face. 'Shit, Matt.'

'What?'

'I've got to ring him. I've got to.'

Chrissy put the blanket over us and lowered the seats. We talked about the game against St John's. I told her every single second like I was still there playing.

'The boys were awesome,' I said. 'Awesome.'

We talked about her father and my old life in the Billi. We laughed over Brendan pulling the 'I'm gay' talk on me. We killed ourselves over me getting burnt in the shower and the way my face looked when she'd said 'nice bum'.

We were curled up in our seats, facing each other. I leant over and took her hand. It felt so natural, no agonising involved. I just knew at that exact moment it was the right thing to do. She lifted my fingers to her face and ran them gently down her cheek and around her neck. Then we kissed, our lips so soft together.

Suddenly today didn't become the day I faced St John's. Today became the day I kissed Chrissy Tulake.

Fin was almost ready to leave the rehab centre. Suddenly the school holidays became hanging around in Aralen helping out. Kylie had opted to spend the whole two weeks with Kath and Fin, but all I wanted to do was be with Chrissy. But that was not to be. Family duty called again.

'I don't want to go to Aralen.' I lodged my complaint at dinner, the week before. 'Can't I stay here? How long do I have to keep doing these things? For Christ's sake, I'm eighteen next month.'

'Do not take the Lord's name in vain, Tom,' was all Gran had to say.

'He misses you, mate,' was Brendan's comment, and, 'Tom, it's important you see Fin,' was Dad's contribution. I didn't hear anyone say, 'Yeah, Tom, you've been good, you can have some time out.' Mum kind of smiled and shrugged, but that was piss-weak.

'Great,' I mumbled.

'Tommy.' Dad's face went serious and I started to regret opening my mouth. The old man was about to call it like it was. 'Fin needs you, even if it's just to keep him up to date with the rest of the world.'

'I'm spending two weeks with him,' Kylie said. 'I'm quite capable of keeping him up to date on world activities, if that's what you think he's really interested in, Dad.'

'You know what I mean.'

It's different, you're a girl,' Mum bravely said.

'Excuse me?' Kylie spat. 'What is that supposed to mean?'

'I'm sure Fin wants to hear about Tom's football, what his plans are for Nepal, what his mates are . . .'

His girlfriend
, Kylie mouthed at me as Mum kept on.

'How Matt and the boys are, the game with St John's ...'

'Okay, Mum!' Kylie groaned. 'We get the picture.'

'It's our responsibility,' Dad said. 'It's as simple as that.'

I hated thinking of Fin as a burden, I knew it was like giving up on him. It was just such hard work. If I were him, of course I'd be moody and pissed off too. He had nothing to smile about, absolutely nothing. But the fact was, I did. Worse than that, I was actually happy. It was hard to wipe the smile off my face.

'I'll miss you,' Chrissy said the night before I left. 'But you have to go.'

I groaned. 'Not you too.'

'Talk to him, Tom.'

'That's like saying talk to a rock.'

'Well, have you tried?'

'What, talking to a rock?'

'Tom!' She slapped my thigh. 'I'm being serious.'

'No.' I shrugged. 'I haven't. I'm usually concentrating hard on not talking to him. Well, not talking to him proper, like.'

'You spoke to Matt. You were dreading that but you did. And you're still breathing.'

'It's different with Matt.'

'You're there for a whole week,' she reminded me. 'Nothing to lose.'

'Gee, thanks. Now that's going to be bugging me the whole time I'm there.'

'Good.'

We were lying on her bed. Her mum was at work and Brendan and Jonny had gone to the club.

'You haven't changed my mind. I still wish I didn't have to go,' I moaned, because that was how I felt about leaving her. Lying next to her was almost more than I could take. She was so beautiful. Her long leg curled around mine, her foot rubbing up and down my calf.

I ached for her, and she seemed to feel the same. Sometimes when we kissed and touched I'd hear her make a little sound with her breath, turning me into a legless, dribbling, mute lump of jelly. I couldn't get enough of her: the way her hair smelt, the touch of her fingertips along my spine, her laugh, her eyes, her smile – her bloody everything!

We hadn't done it. Talk about self-control, but it just never seemed to be the right time. There was always her mum or Jonny about to get home, and the cave was hardly the most romantic or comfortable of places, with my squishy single bed.

I was a virgin. She wasn't. But I wanted it to be perfect like it was her first time too.

'It'll feel like my first time,' she said to me. 'I've never felt like this with other boyfriends. This is new for me too. I want to feel like this forever.'

Aunty Kath had decided not to go back to Mumbilli. Being a small town, it didn't have the facilities she needed for Fin. With the money from the sale of her house, she'd bought a ground floor unit in Aralen, near the beach, with a little garden out the back. She'd had to have it fitted out with railings and ramps, pull-out hoses in the bathroom and strange lifting machines that looked like mini cranes. Walking around her lounge room, examining all the contraptions that Fin now needed for the most basic things like having a shower or eating, still felt completely unreal to me. Maybe you never got used to it.

Fin was still living at the rehab unit, but more and more he was coming home for weekends. I guess it helped him get used to their new place and helped Kath get used to him.

'It's like having a baby all over again,' I heard her telling Kylie while Dad and I watched the league. 'I have to do everything for him.'

'Will you get some help?'

'The community sisters come each day, but I'm the one here twenty-four/seven.'

'Is he excited about getting out of rehab?'

'He's terrified.'

Silence.

'Anyway . . .' Kath's tone changed. 'It's so nice to have you here for the hols, and it'll be even better in summer with the beach down the road.'

'Do you think you'll be here for good?'

Kath sighed. 'Probably, Kyles. It's easiest this way.'

There seemed to be two activities for the week: sitting around the rehab unit talking to Fin and some of the other blokes, or unpacking boxes at Aunty Kath's place. Dad and I were like the handymen, hanging pictures, assembling shelves, changing light fittings. You name it, we did it.

Kath and Kylie were on a cooking frenzy. I reckon they froze a year's supply of dinners. If they weren't in the kitchen, they were out shopping. They'd come home with arms full of bags, mostly new clothes for Fin. Everything had to be 'simple to get on and off ', Kath told us. 'No tricky buttons or zippers.'

Kath bought new blinds for every room, and a barbie. That meant more jobs for the old man and me. Putting together the gas barbeque required the brain of a rocket scientist, and even together Dad and I didn't come close.

One time I noticed Dad stuffing the receipts in his pocket.

'Are they for this stuff?' I asked him.

Dad kind of mumbled something.

'Are you paying for all of this, Dad?'

'Some of it.'

'Bullshit!'

Dad threw up his arms.

'You're paying for all of it, aren't you?'

'Well, what am I meant to do, Tom?'

'Did you buy her this place?'

'As if! I'd hardly be able to scrape the deposit together.' He looked at me and I knew he was reading my mind. 'We have no choice. It'll be years before they see any compensation.'

'Yeah, but it's like, like buying her off.'

Dad shot me a look. 'Tom, we'll never be able to repay the debt. So what we can do, we'll do. We're family, and I'm doing my damnedest to keep it that way.'

'It's never going to end,' I mumbled. I went back to cleaning the windows, the debt sitting in my guts.

One day when there wasn't a cloud in the sky, I picked up Fin at the rehab centre and took him for a walk. Well, I walked and Fin sat while I pushed his wheelchair.

'It's electric, Tom. It'll work on its own.'

'I like pushing it.' What I really meant was, it's easier talking to you when I can't see your face.

'Does it remind you of the billycart races we used to have?' he asked me.

'I'd forgotten about them.'

'Dan always made you push the billycart back up the hill. Remember?' Fin said. 'By the time you got to the top, you'd be purple and sweating like a pig. Then I'd jump in and hoon down.'

'Yeah.' I could almost hear the wheels skidding down the tar road. 'At least you pushed it back up after your go.'

'Geeze, Daniel's Whine. He did anything to avoid hills. I hated the way he made us go up for him. Bossy shit.'

And then without being able to stop myself I said, 'He's not doing much bossing around now.'

Fin didn't say anything and I couldn't see his face. After a while he groaned a bit and said, 'Fuck, I hate this.'

I put the brakes on his chair and sat on a park bench. From where Fin and I were, we could just see the ocean meet the horizon. Blue upon blue. Which was what our families had become – sad, angry, guilt-ridden, confused, lost. Blue. Or, for some of us, black.

'I don't hate him,' Fin whispered. 'I know you think I do, but I don't.'

'I couldn't blame you, Fin, if you did.'

Silence.

Fin sighed. I started to crack my knuckles, one by one.

'I got another postcard from Claire,' he said.

'Where is she?'

'Spain.'

'Nice.'

'You know we'd been together.'

I nodded.

'I really liked her. She really liked me too.' He cleared his throat. 'Kylie blames herself, but she was just trying to help out. Daniel was really hassling Claire for a while, getting really paranoid. I was so close to pounding him a couple of times.'

I turned to look at him and said, 'Maybe you should've.'

'Too late now.' He stared straight ahead. 'I'll go and see him, you know. Soon – maybe. I mean, he was like my brother.'

We were. The three of us, like brothers.

Now it was hard to believe that. Blood's thicker than water, so what's the difference between your brother and your cousin? I didn't know. I'd never know. I just knew being here with Fin hurt, and probably always would.

That's why I longed to be with Chrissy. It wasn't simply wanting to touch her, it was different to that. It was being away from this crap. The pain of the family, escaping Fin and Daniel and Kylie – all of them.

When I was with Chrissy, I was me again. Simple Tom Brennan – no ties, no debt, no guilt, no bad thoughts. Just me, the way I'd always known myself. Through all the shit, I hadn't really had a moment to pinpoint what I missed the most. Was it the Billi and my mates? Was it Mum not being Mum? Or Fin, Daniel and me, and the way we used to be?

But now I knew what I missed the most. I missed me, Tom Brennan, and that's why now I could smile, 'cause I could see that he was coming back.

The last week of the holidays I came back to Coghill and Brendan and I got stuck into building the chook pen.

Kyles was still in Aralen with Fin and Kath. One night she rang home and told us he'd had a big freak-out. She said she wouldn't come home until he was settled at the flat and she knew he was going to be okay.

They seemed so tangled in one another's mess.

After she hung up, I heard the oldies have a whispering spat in their bedroom.

'It's a big responsibility for Kylie,' Mum had said. 'I don't want her missing school, and there's Tom's birthday coming up.'

'That's in a couple of weeks,' answered Dad.

'I know!' She almost shouted. 'We're not going to forget about it like we did last year.'

'She'll be well home by then. Nobody wants to miss his birthday.'

'Yeah.' I nodded to myself, thinking what a top bloke I was.

'Tess, it'll only be a few extra days. Kath promised,' Dad said. 'She's sure he'll be settled by then.'

'And what if he's not?'

Silence, then Mum again. 'I know she's up to date with her school work, but let's face it, Joe, she's been battling. Just look at her hair! She hasn't settled the way Tom has, even though she tries to make out she has.'

'Tess, I know all that.' Dad's voice got a bit louder. 'What are we meant to say? "No, our daughter can't help Fin. Our daughter who is physically capable and . . ." '

'Enough!'

'Well, how can we?'

Silence.

'We have to think of our family too.' Then Mum sighed. 'It still worries me the way Kylie wants to be so involved with Fin and his recovery. I mean, you'd think . . .'

I crept away. They didn't know the burden Kylie carried and they never would. Maybe this was her way of making it up to Fin. Maybe Fin asking that she come was his way of giving her that chance. Whatever the reason, it was a journey Kylie had to take.

Brendan and I had mapped out the chook pen in the old part of the garden. It was blissful, that last week of holidays. Chrissy and I hung out together, while around us the chook pen began to materialise.

Chrissy had a good brain for practical stuff. I was seriously deficient in that area.

'How many chooks are you going to get?' she asked me one arvo as we measured and cut the wire.

'Dunno,' I answered. 'What do you reckon, a few hens and a couple of roosters?'

'Tom, for starters you only have one rooster,' she laughed. 'You'd cause big trouble with two. They don't share well.'

'Fair point,' I nodded. 'I wouldn't share you with anyone.'

'You don't have to,' she said, and I just about stopped breathing. 'I suppose I'll have to share you with Brendan when you go to Nepal.'

I screwed up my face. 'I wish you were coming too.'

Chrissy threw her arms around my neck, giggling in my ear.

'Hi!' It was Mum with some drinks. You could hear the ice clinking as she walked. 'Thought you guys might be thirsty. It's warm out here, and it's only just spring.'

'Thanks, Mrs Brennan,' Chrissy said, taking the drink from her.

'How's it going?'

'Pretty good, thanks, Mum.'

'Do you think Mrs Healey suspects anything?' Chrissy asked the old girl.

'God, no!' Mum waved the idea off. 'This'd be the last thing she'd expect. Besides, she never comes down to this part of the garden anymore, no need.'

I poured the drink down my throat. 'Thanks, Mum.' I handed her back the cup, giving her a 'time to go now' look.

'Well, be careful cutting the wire.'

'God, she's thin,' Chrissy whispered as Mum walked back up to the house.

'She was thinner.'

'And pale.'

'Sun-tanned compared to even a few weeks ago.'

'Did she really not get out of bed?'

'Yeah,' I answered. 'I mean, she'd get out to piss and stuff, but after Daniel went away she pretty much only got up to visit him.'

'That's . . . awful.'

'It was weird. It got to a point where I felt like I hardly knew her anymore. She didn't look like Mum. She didn't smell right.' I shook my head. 'It was pretty bad for a while. But you know what's weirder? Now she's up and getting back to normal, it's kind of hard to remember what she was like then.'