The Suicide Diary (20 page)

And I wasn't the only one who suffered from Emily's behaviour as I found when Kara pulled a t-shirt from her bag and throw it at me laughing and insisting I wore it later that night. The pretty white t-shirt was emblazoned with the statement
'Don't hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so!'

"Oh don't look so shocked Nina, you know she deserves it. Do you know she's been trying to set up one of her friend's with Graeme?" she exclaimed.

"Kara I don't know, I don't want to make life difficult for Oliver." I replied.

"Sweetie, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you complicated his life the day you walked into it. Now he's going to go through life comparing every girlfriend to you and none of them is going to measure up." Kara rarely removed her rose tinted glasses but sometimes it was nice to listen to her view on the world and pretend it was true.

"Little Miss Emily needs to brought down a peg or two, so get that top on or I'll be forced to hide all your other clothes and you'll have to go out in your bra."

I burst out laughing suddenly and Kara joined in - I realised the few times I had laughed recently had been with Kara. Although we hadn't been particularly close at college, we seemed to have formed a sort of friendship which mostly consisted of my being her road trip companion here so she could see Graeme, and drinking wine and laughing over her outrageousness.

She handed me a glass of said wine and went back to brushing her beautiful dark hair. I sighed and attempted to create some life in my otherwise boring hair.

"Oh honestly Nina, one day you will learn how to deal with your hair on your own. Sit still." She commanded and I obeyed and within twenty minutes she had sculpted my hair into loose, silky curls that hung down my back and swished when I moved. My makeup was subtle but pretty courtesy of Kara's skills with a variety of tools she pulled from a giant vanity bag.

Graeme had apparently told her that Oliver and his girlfriend would be having dinner in one of the nearby bars, so we had taken ages getting ready. Kara spent three times as long deciding what to wear and ended up in the original blue dress, tights and boots she had on first while I slid in to a pair of fitted jeans and Kara's top.

We walked into the bar, ordered a few drinks and sat at the front of the bar to watch the live band playing that evening. I didn't look at Oliver once, this wasn't about him. For a few moments I felt guilty but Kara soon had me distracted with her overly loud cheering for the band. As I walked back to the bar to get our second round, I saw Emily's eyes fall on me and then down to my top. I saw her jaw lock and her eyes narrowed as they met mine again. I smiled sweetly and carried on walking to the bar where I ordered doubles. Graeme and some of his friends joined us at our table and after a while the burning in my cheeks died down.

That was the last time I saw I her and it wasn't long before I found myself saying my final goodbye to Oliver. Graeme and Kara were serious enough now that she didn't beg me to accompany her on her trips so I was free to make excuses not to visit.

1. Adam
   

   I lapsed back into my routine, working non-stop and lately I had been drinking more than a doctor would certainly consider safe or normal. You would best describe me as listless, I had no opinions on anything, I slept, I woke, I worked and that was my life. Only my family kept me going. It was something of a family tradition that we all ate together at the dining table every Sunday evening. I was there in body only but the quieter I became; the more my family seemed to talk to make up the silence. My younger brother Joshua was the only one who dared ask me questions and he was relentless in trying to drag me into conversations. Looking back I'm glad of his persistence, he was one of the few strings that kept me from pulling away completely.

"Geez, Nina if you get any paler we're going to have to start saying you're adopted." he teased.

I laughed a little but it was true, my usual olive warmth had disappeared during winter and my face had taken on an ugly grey shade. "Yeah I have been working a lot lately so I guess I’m just tired."

"Maybe you should take another trip with Kara?" I smiled at Mother's suggestion but had no intention of taking it up. But they were right, I had been happier and more of a normal colour when I'd been away. Maybe I needed another break away from my life; I just had to find somewhere else to go. I wanted a change of scenery, a new start but more than that I needed to do something to get out of this rut.

Just after my twentieth birthday, I took a new job in a gay club nearer the city and I loved it from the first night. The flamboyant characters, the dramatic flair for fashion or in some cases a cry for the fashion police because against the stereotype not all gay guys are fashionistas. The hours were unsociable and it was hard work and long hours on my feet but I took pleasure in serving the customers, making the exotic cocktails and even swaying a little behind the bar to the offering of musical beats.

Working nights suited me better while I was at home since it gave me peace in the house during the day and I figured a gay bar meant less chance of meeting guys. I’d enjoyed working in retail and the clothing discount was a bonus, but I’d had the seedling of an idea to go away, maybe this time for longer, get a job somewhere and see what life was like in some other part of the world. I’d narrowed down the work I could do bar-work so I at least needed to get more experience while I saved up.

The shifts were non-stop, on your feet, and the music was really loud but it was almost close to fun. The only slightly negative part was the assistant manager Maria who worked the floor in a way I can only describe as a steam engine. She was overly firm but kept the place running smoothly. I worked four nights and a day shift helping set up before the weekend’s events. The rest of the bar team seemed to be in a little clique at first, but once I’d shown I wasn’t a complete idiot behind the bar and knew my way around the cocktail list, they began to be nice to me.

Saturday nights were the busiest and I was always in a tail spin making drinks, clearing tables, asking for ID since it was hard to tell the age of most of the clientele. The young tried to look older and the young did everything within their power to stave off the ageing process.

“Nina?" came a voice behind me.

I looked up on hearing my name expecting one of the team to be asking for something, but the voice came from the other side of the bar. Ali was leaning on the counter smiling down at me while I sat hunched on the floor filling one of the fridges. Despite my brain having mentally stalled, my legs straightened up and I found myself facing the guy that a year and a half ago I had thrown myself at and been rejected.

"Oh my god, you look gorgeous.” he said.

“Eh thanks, you always looked incredible and still do.” I replied.

“I can’t believe we’re bumping into each other like this after all this time!” said Ali.

“Yeah, and in here of all places.” I tried not to make it sound like a question but he smiled in a knowing way.

“I came out last year and that gorgeous piece of ass over there is my boyfriend.” he said and pointed to a tall, dark haired guy nearby.

“Wow, eh is ‘congratulations’ the right thing to say?” I asked.

“Haha, hey I’ll take congratulations, it’s one of the better responses I’ve had.” he replied.

I was due a break and Ali pulled me from behind the bar for a hug and enveloped me in his arms like he used to. It didn’t feel that long ago that I’d felt started to feel comfortable there and then I couldn’t even face him after what had happened (or rather not happened).

“So you’re working here?” His eyebrow was raised questioningly.

“I’m not…I mean, I am single but I’m not looking here.” I said and turned the conversation back to him.

After bumping in to Ali that night I began to see him regularly in the club and we met up now and then for lunch. He had got the job he wanted and he and his boyfriend were looking at getting a flat together in the near future.

“You seem different, I mean you were always smiling when we, eh when I knew you but I don’t know how to describe it but you’re…glowing and I guess now I know why.” I acknowledged.

“Oh Nina." He sighed as if I had said something pitiful. "I thought I was hopelessly in love you at the time but you never did feel the same. That night, you tried to…you remember…well you looked so terrified it was like you just wanted to get some hurdle over with. I told myself that was why I didn't want to sleep with you, but it was more than that. When I thought about it, I realised in all the months we had spent together I hadn't once wanted to sleep with you." he said.

It was brutal to hear, even though I now knew the reason behind it.

"Oh I know that's not nice to hear, but in this case really it truly was me, not you. You are beautiful inside and out. I started to think there was something wrong with me when I finally worked out it wasn't us, it was my choice of lifestyle.” he said.

I wrapped my arms around him the way I used to and he kissed me lightly on the cheek. I remembered how easy it had been with Ali and now I wondered if perhaps my subconscious had known before he did. Apart from the thought of sleeping with him, I had felt so comfortable around him – I've always been so much more at ease in the relationships that were doomed to fail.

I spent my time going between work, home and occasionally meeting up with Kara and the girls or Ali now and then. The months passed as summer cooled in to autumn and eventually winter drew in. It had been a pretty uneventful year and I felt almost grateful but I was more numb than content.

It was also while working in that same bar that I met Adam. The Christmas party nights were busy and the club welcomed large groups who wanted to watch the shows and party until the small hours.

Adam’s lovely boy-loving friend had 'borrowed' me to clear a spilt drink on their table.

“Hey, look I’m so sorry about my friends, some of them are a little too wild with the dance moves and I guess the table got in the way!” said the tall, blonde guy sat at the table.

“It’s fine, all part of the job working in a bar.” I replied.

“Do you get a break, maybe we could dance and I could introduce myself.” he asked.

“I’ve already had my break and I’m not allowed to dance with customers.” I started walking away with the tray stacked with glasses and noticed him following me to the bar..

“Hey you left the cloth on the table – thought you might need it later since my friends don’t seem to be reigning in those dance moves at all!” he said and gestured back to his table.

I laughed and took the cloth from his hand which just barely grazed mine.

“You have a nice smile.” he said.

“Yeah, yeah I should smile more often I know.” I replied not for the first time.

“I’m guessing you get that a lot.” Can a voice be smirking? His face wasn’t but he definitely sounded like he should be.

Sexual preference was not a job requirement so I used the excuse of being busy and began tending the bar until he finally wandered back to his table. Every now and then I would catch the beautiful boy looking my way. His friend came to the bar again – well actually sashayed I swear – and confessed he had spilt the drink on purpose because Adam had pointed me out when they had walked in and mentioned me on no less than four occasions. I was sure that was an exaggeration on this flamboyant boy’s part but I let it slide. Even so it was still a surprise when it came to the end of the night and the blonde guy was still there.

“Hey again.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied and carried on clearing up.

“I’m Adam and you are?” he asked.

“Nina and I’m sorry but the doors are about to be locked.” I said.

“Would you consider giving me your number?” he asked.

“I don’t date customers; club rule!” I replied and shrugged.

“Right, sure, of course. Well it was nice meeting you Nina.” he said and finally began making his way to the door.

“He was gorgeous Nina, if you don’t want him then pass me his number next time!” One of the bartenders Lucas was standing behind me and admiring Adam as he walked out the door.

The following weekend I recognised Adam’s friend at the bar and my eyes against my will strayed to the table he was sitting at last time. Thankfully he wasn’t looking at me, but he was sitting at the same table and chatting away to his group. I stayed behind the bar the entire shift, and asked Lucas to work the floor which he was more than happy to do.

Only ten or so minutes later, Adam came up to the bar and waited patiently until I had to serve him.

“Hey again.” he said.

“Hi, can I take your order please?” I said.

“Well you know what I want, but for now I’ll take a vodka and lemonade please.” he replied.

The rest of the night went on like that with him coming up to the bar and ordering drinks for his table. I really hoped everyone was chipping in or else he was spending a hell of lot just to come talk to me for a few minutes.

I assumed he was just looking for some female attention in a room full of girls who weren’t interested in guys. Since things ended with Oliver eleven months before, I hadn’t been batting for any side. I took the piece of paper he gave me with his number and when he left I threw it in the bin.