The Suicide Diary (27 page)

They had a beautiful apartment overlooking the ocean in Australia and the happiness shone through her words. For the past year, her emails had been full of adventure but this one was different. They were coming home for three weeks in October and she was trying to organise flights and pack in between work and sunbathing. I knew that she usually reigned in her joy when emailing me privately, but her words were so full of emotion and happiness and I felt happy for her.

Looking at the clock Alex realised if he read any further he was going to be late for the second half of his shift. As tempted as he was to stay there and finish the diary, he knew he had let her have enough of an effect on his life so he put notebook away for now. The next two hours dragged in and it didn’t help that he had a class straight after work.

Alex barely had time to shower and change and made it to class just in time. He shuffled along one of the rows and sat down. Pulling out the book again he settled in to read the next part.

My little brother was turning twenty-one on October 23
rd
and yet it still felt like he was only five years old. Despite the narrow two year and a half year age gap, it always felt like he was so much younger than me. He wasn’t particularly immature, at least no more than usual for a guy of his age, I think it was more that I felt older somehow.

Kara had arrived home and turned up two hours early for the party to catch up and help with decorations and food. She was and is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I was grateful she had offered to help me so my Mother could relax.

I wasn’t surprised by the number of people who turned up to wish my brother happy birthday, he was well liked and our living room and kitchen were soon busy.

I glanced over and couldn’t help but notice Joshua standing with Lucy talking quietly to each other. It was a shame she had a boyfriend now because they looked really good together.

Kara returned with our drinks and I wondered aloud where Melissa had wandered off to. “Oh she’s flirting outrageously with one of your Mother’s colleagues. He’s pretty hot but for a guy in his mid-thirties you would think he would be able to handle a twenty-three year girl and yet the poor guy is hopeless.” she replied.

Kara knew all about Nika and how hard it had been for me to leave my life in Italy; she was the closest I’d ever had to a best friend and yet somehow it was easier to tell her things when she was half way around the world when I could never really talk to her face to face. Perhaps she felt the same since she kept up the to and fro of our typed conversations. I often wondered to myself that if I had stayed at university and saw her every day or if we hadn’t had that year apart, if I would have let her get close enough to me to be a real friend. I asked her this once and she said that she had thought the same thing. Kara knows me better than anyone in the world, she has been a confidante, my mentor and I admit I often lived vicariously through her emails. When I was younger, the only other person who had known me really had been my Grandmother and that was entirely down to her observations and the knack she had for understanding me without me ever telling her anything.

So he hadn’t been one of the people that she thought knew her best, or at least not at this point in her life. And yet Alex thought maybe she just hadn’t realised how well he knew her. He knew that her favourite colour was green, she loved ice cream more than any other food, reading was more than just a pleasure, it let her escape her own thoughts, and she especially hated horror movies. He could go on and on but it wasn’t the facts that mattered, it was the little gestures and ‘tells’ she had, that he observed and how he could tell how she was feeling. Like when she used to untuck her hair from behind her ear when she was nervous, almost as if she was trying to create a shield. Or that her hands were always cold even on the warmest days and when he used to repeat the saying about
‘cold hands, warm heart
’, she would just grimace and change the subject and he knew that she didn’t believe that, at least not in relation to herself.

12.Adam

My phone buzzed but it was a number I didn’t recognise. One of those forward or you’ll have bad luck messages. I hesitated but curiosity got the better of me and I text back to find out who it was and received a response from Julia an old work colleague. I hadn’t seen her since I’d left my hand-written ‘notice’ in Mike’s office and so I fired back a pleasant enough message.
‘Hi, long time no talk, how are you?’ 
I enquired.

‘Doing well thanks, got a new job and going on holiday soon. How are things going for you?’
she messaged back.

‘Really well thanks, glad to hear all is well with you.’ 
I replied.

‘Yes thanks. What have you been up to?’
she returned.

I sighed loudly wishing curiosity had killed the conversation and stalled a minute before replying. What could I say – certainly not the truth. To be honest I couldn’t even deal with the conversation, I wanted her to go away and leave me to my misery.

‘Just working away and enjoying the little bit of sunshine we’ve been having. Out having a glass of wine with a few friends now.’
  I fired back the lie and hoped it would end the messages.

‘Oh sorry to interrupt you, hope you have a nice time with your friends! We should catch up sometime.
’ she replied.

I didn’t reply, there was no point, I had no intention of meeting up with her and I had already exhausted the pleasantries. She was a nice person and she didn’t deserve to have to hear about my drama. I put my phone back on the bedside table and curled back under my quilt. Everything had gone back to normal except me. My Mother was back to her top performing position at work like her time in hospital was no more than a extended weekend off and Matthew and Joshua were back to their usual selves.

I’d gone back to working in the Gin Bar again and Joe joked he would have to fit a revolving door for me. Summer disappeared and the dark nights rolled in earlier and earlier each day. I’d slipped back in to my old, familiar routine of work, home and occasionally meeting up with Ali or Lucy and Melissa. When Christmas arrived that year it felt like I had slept walked through the year.

On Christmas day once we had opened our presents and eaten dinner, we sat in the living room together and watched
‘It’s A Wonderful Life’
. I looked around the room and wondered what their lives would be like if I had never been born. The thought of all my memories of my family being wiped away disturbed me. I might not want to live but I was glad I at least had lived until now. It wasn’t that there lives would necessarily be much better, but I didn’t really bring anything to their lives that would be any great loss either.

Just before I went to go upstairs to bed, my Mother handed me another card. “It’s from your Father; your brothers got one too. It’s just a card, for now.” She kissed me then and went to her room.

When I got to my room, I closed the door and sat on my bed. I tore open the envelope and read the words inside.

To Nina

Merry Christmas

X

That was it, not ‘love Dad’ or ‘Sorry I left but have a great New Year, from your ever- absent Father.’

I placed the card in the drawer by bed since I wasn’t really sure what else to do with it. I wondered if Matthew might tear his up. It was the first acknowledgement we had had from our Father since he left, well other than the hospital but even then he hadn’t even spoken to Matthew or Joshua. I thought maybe he hadn’t written from anything because he didn’t know what to write. He wasn’t exactly winning ‘Father of the year’ but he was still biologically our Dad.

New Year and my birthday were nice but uneventful and my little life probably seemed boring from the outside. It was the fact that it was predictable that kept me together and I was scared of rocking the boat. Unfortunately my Mother had other ideas and she had begun talking about Uni and suggesting careers every time we were in the same room. The more she talked about them, the more I tried to change the subject. Sometimes it was easier than others and it went on, back and forth like a tug of war neither of us was winning.

When I told Kara via email she agreed with my Mother but at least was good enough to take my side. She was big on people following their heart, which was easy for her since her heart had led her to an amazing life in Australia and a great relationship. Mine on the other hand had got me hurt physically, emotionally and mentally, time after time and I was tired of it. Why couldn’t I just be allowed to be comfortable in my familiar little life?

Kara said I still had plenty of time to consider all my options, but eventually I would have to change something. Maybe the first step was getting my own place again and it might help ease the tension.

I spent the summer and autumn saving up as much as I could for a deposit and the first few months rent. I still had my boxes of belongings and bits of furniture in the garage so at least I wouldn’t have to start from scratch. In December I started looking for a flat with the idea of having Christmas at home and then trying to make a change in the New Year. I wanted somewhere not too far from home and realised how expensive everything had become. Or maybe it was just that as a student I hadn’t paid nearly as much and when I had my previous flat while working with Mike, I had earned far more than my two part-time jobs put together.

My Mother came along to one of the flat viewings and ushered me straight back of the place claiming it wasn’t fit to live in. The drive back home was silent for the first five minutes and then it started. “I just don’t understand why you need to get a flat, there’s plenty of room at home instead of paying more rent to live in squalid accommodation like that place.” she said.

“I think I just need my own space.” I replied.

“To do what Nina, because as far as I see it you have all the space you want at the moment. You go to work and then you sit in your room and no one bothers you.” she said.

What she said was true, but it stung, and I blinked to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. Thankfully we were just pulling in to the drive and I climbed out and went to my room claiming I had stuff to do.

I had only just closed the door behind me when it opened again and in walked my Mother. She had her determined face on and continued her talk as if we were still sat in the car. “Nina you’re twenty-four years old and I know you’re still young and have lots of years ahead to decide what you want to do with your life, but I want you to at least try something. You can’t just keep working in bars and sleeping all day, it’s not a life and you hardly see any of your friends anymore.” she said

“Well I lost touch with some of them when I was in Italy and Kara left for Australia before I came home.” I retorted.

“You’ve been home for almost a year, in all this time you could have saved up or used the money your Grandmother left you and gone to visit her. Or you could have travelled the world too, or set up a business like Matthew or done something. Just existing isn’t living Nina.” she said.

“What do you want from me, I’m trying! I’m not smart like Matthew, or confident like Joshua, I don’t want to travel the world and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I’m doing okay, why can’t that be enough for you?” I begged.

“Because you’re not okay, I know you’re not.” she replied.

“Is this why Dad left?” I asked.

“What are talking about?” she flinched then asked.

“Dad, you’ve always said that I’m like him, so did you push him too, was he not enough for you either? Did he leave because of you?” I asked. Maybe I was just trying to change the subject like I always did, I didn’t know where that had come from and I regretted it the moment I said it.

She opened her mouth to reply, but then a cry came from her lips like she’d been hit and she suddenly bent double and fell to the floor in front of me.

“Mum?” I screamed and ran towards her just in time to stop her hitting the ground.

The next few minutes - or it could have been seconds or hours - were a blur. I had somehow managed to call an ambulance, and when they lifted her on a stretcher in to the back, someone took my arm and helped me in to sit by her. I stared at my Mother lying there with her eyes closed and her skin pale. She had one of those oxygen masks over her face and looked too still.

They wouldn’t let me in to the room, so I stood in the corridor staring at the posters on the wall. After a while I realised no one had called my brothers, it was my Mother who remembered to do things like that or last time my Father had surprisingly taken on the role of messenger. I stumbled out in to the brightness of the car park and pulled out my phone to dial Matthew first.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell Joshua over the phone so I asked my big brother to fetch him. Within twenty minutes they were sat on either side of me in the same waiting room and it felt like hours passed. This room had different posters but all in the same tone, eat well, exercise, stay hydrated, don’t smoke and various others. My Mother adhered to all of these and yet she was still in hospital.

Every time a nurse or doctor walked passed we looked up as one, but they stared straight ahead like they knew better than to catch our eyes because they didn’t have any information.