The Sun in Her Eyes (12 page)

‘Wow,’ Trudy enthuses, smacking her lips.

‘I’m not sure I like it,’ I dare to admit.

‘No, me neither,’ Ethan says, screwing up his nose at me. ‘It was so dry the year we harvested this crop that the deep roots of the vines took up some of the salt from the
creek.’

‘That’s interesting,’ I say.

‘I thought it tasted salty!’ Trudy exclaims.

But Ethan is still smiling at me.

‘You could’ve got in there,’ I tease him later, when the other group have gone home and it’s just Josh, Tina, Nell and me left.

‘No thanks,’ he says gruffly.

‘Too desperate, was she?’

‘Something like that.’

I purse my lips at him.

Ruth and Tony have disappeared into the kitchen, and we’ve relocated to the living room. Nell is curled up on her side on a large, leather-clad armchair. She looks tired, and for a moment
she reminds me of the little girl I knew in primary school.

‘Are you alright, Nell?’ I call over to her.

‘Mmm,’ comes her sleepy reply.

‘Did you have a good night?’

‘Yeah.’ She smiles at me. ‘George was nice.’

‘Nicer than Julian?’ Tina asks in her no-nonsense tone.

‘Oh, be quiet, you,’ Nell replies, yawning.

‘Did you get his number, just in case?’ Tina continues, unabashed.

‘No, I did not,’ Nell replies hotly, before the violence of a second yawn silences her.

‘Do you want me to call us a taxi?’ I ask.

‘Whenever,’ she replies.

‘Ours should be here soon,’ Tina says to Josh, patting him on his thigh. He nods. They’re sitting on one battered leather sofa and Ethan and I are on another.

Ethan puts his arm around my shoulders and I automatically snuggle into his chest, draping my hand across his warm stomach. Somewhere at the back of my mind is the niggling thought that Ned
would be horrified to see me being this comfortable with another man.

‘Have you guys seriously never dated?’ Josh’s question makes me start. I lift my head to see him observing us.

I shake my head determinedly and sit up slightly. ‘No.’

‘Nope.’ Ethan’s reply is more flippant, his hold on me still relaxed.

‘They were like that at school,’ Tina says to Josh before addressing Ethan and me. ‘Did you really never even kiss?’ she pries.

I glare at her. ‘No!’

Ethan grins, completely at ease with the line of questioning.

Ruth pops her head around the door while Tina is still giggling at my reaction. ‘Taxi’s here,’ she says before looking past Tina and Josh to Nell in the armchair. ‘Is
Nell alright?’ she asks with concern.

We all glance in her direction to see that she’s fast asleep and snoring lightly.

‘Aw,’ I say fondly.

‘You’re welcome to stay in one of the guest rooms if you want to,’ Ruth offers as we get to our feet.

Much as I’d love to roll into a comfy bed, Nell needs to be at work in the morning, so I say thank you, but decline.

We walk Tina and Josh to the back door.

‘See you, honey,’ my friend says, giving me a hug.

‘Bye, you.’

‘Oh! I completely forgot to say,’ she exclaims, pulling away. ‘My mum won four tickets at some random shopping centre raffle to see a comedian on Tuesday night at the Fringe.
Can’t remember his name, but he’s playing at the Royalty Theatre and apparently it’s sold out. Do you guys want to come?’

‘Sounds good,’ Ethan says with a nod.

‘I’d love to,’ I reply. Liz will no doubt be delighted to have the house – and Dad – to herself for the night. Things are still tense between us after our recent
argument.

‘Are you sure you don’t mind dropping Dad’s car back in the morning?’ I double check with Ethan as we watch Tina and Josh’s taxi drive away.

‘Not at all. Like I said, Mum wants to go into the city tomorrow, anyway, so I’ll hitch a lift home with her.’

‘Thank you. I appreciate it.’

‘No trouble at all.’

‘Night-night, darlings, I’m going to head to bed,’ Ruth says on our way back through the kitchen.

‘Me too.’ Tony heaves himself to his feet. He was nursing a glass of some spirit or other at the kitchen table.

I glance at Ethan. ‘I should probably call a taxi.’

‘I’ll do it,’ he tells me.

A couple of minutes later, we stand together in the doorway of the living room. ‘Should we wake her?’ Ethan asks in a whisper. Nell is still out cold.

‘No, let her sleep until the taxi arrives,’ I reply. It will be here in half an hour.

We return to the same sofa, but sit further apart this time. I kick off my boots and curl up at one end, facing him. Ethan drapes his left arm along the top of the sofa, his hand so close
he’s almost touching my cheek with the tips of his fingers.

‘I had such a good time tonight,’ I tell him with a smile, speaking quietly so we don’t disturb Nell.

‘You didn’t seem too keen on the wine tasting,’ he comments with a raised eyebrow.

‘I know what I like and what I don’t like, and I really liked all but one of them, but I’m not very good at descriptions. That’s more Ned’s thing.’

‘Did you take his name when you got married?’ he asks curiously.

‘No, I’m still a Church.’ I look down at my fingernails. ‘I don’t know why.’ Was it because I didn’t really like Matthews as a surname or because I
loved Church? Was it because I felt like my name was a part of my identity and didn’t want to give everything over to him? I don’t say any of this, because the truth is, I still
don’t know the answer. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready when we got married. ‘Did Sadie take yours?’ I ask.

‘Yeah.’

Of course she did…

‘What’s that look for?’ he asks with amusement.

I clearly didn’t try hard enough to disguise my dislike for the woman.

‘Nothing,’ I reply.

‘Tell me,’ he urges.

‘I shouldn’t in case you get back toge—’

‘We’re not getting back together,’ he states definitively, cutting me off. ‘What were you going to say?’

‘Okay.’ I inhale sharply. ‘She never made me feel that comfortable.’

‘That’s because she was jealous of you,’ he says directly, cocking his head to one side.

I pull a face. ‘Really?
Why?
’

‘I don’t know.’ Ethan looks at the ceiling, thinking. ‘She’s always been insecure,’ he says finally. ‘She was a nightmare at times, to be honest. But
with you, she took it to a whole new level.’ He shakes his head. ‘She didn’t want me to come to your wedding.’

I blanch. ‘But you still came.’

‘I didn’t want to let you down again.’

I pause to try to soak up what he’s saying. ‘So she didn’t have a tummy bug?’

‘She wasn’t feeling well,’ he says. ‘But she could have come if she’d wanted to. No, it was all her old insecurities, rising to the surface.’

‘You said “again”. You didn’t want to let me down again?’

‘You know what I mean. All those times I cancelled?’ He hesitates, and then inches forward and brushes his knuckle against my cheek. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t come to
your seventeenth birthday party.’

The look he gives me is heartfelt. ‘She felt threatened by you,’ he admits with open honesty. ‘She hated that we were friends. She used to accuse me of having the hots for you,
which was ridiculous,’ he mutters, ‘because you and I have never fancied each other in the slightest.’

It’s a moment before he registers the fact that I’m not rolling my eyes and agreeing with him. His brow furrows, and then, I don’t know why I say this, because I’ve spent
the past twenty-odd years
not
saying it, but suddenly I don’t feel like I can keep it inside any longer.

‘You’re wrong.’

His eyes narrow as he stares at me, not comprehending.

‘I’ve been in love with you since I was eight.’

Even in my drunken state, I’m profoundly aware that what has just been said can never be taken back.

I watch his face freeze, as though in slow motion. He cautiously retracts his hand from its position beside my cheek.

‘What do you mean?’ he asks warily.

And despite my grasp on what is, I’m sure, a very serious situation, words continue to spill out of my mouth of their own volition, no longer content with being suppressed.

‘I’ve always been in love with you, Ethan.’ I regard him helplessly. ‘I’m sorry.’

The look on his face… He looks stricken, torn, incapable of formulating a response. Everything he thought about us – our friendship, our history, the world as he knew it – has
tilted off its axis, and he doesn’t know how to right it again.

‘Please don’t worry,’ I plead quietly. ‘This won’t change anything.’

‘But…
Ned
,’ he says with bewilderment, his eyebrows pulling together.

‘I love him, too,’ I say. ‘You were married and had two kids, and…’ I laugh at myself and shake my head. ‘And you weren’t in love with me,’ I
finish.

He lets out a long, deep breath and drags his hand across his mouth.

‘Hey,’ I chide. ‘Don’t be
too
freaked out.’

‘I
am
freaked out,’ he erupts in a loud whisper, shooting a glance at Nell. She’s still fast asleep, thankfully. That would be embarrassing. ‘Why didn’t
you ever tell me?’ he asks.

‘Because you didn’t feel the same,’ I reply.

Headlights spill into the front window, and for a split second the light is blinding. I hear the sound of car tyres crunching across the gravel.

‘Taxi’s here,’ I note regretfully, putting my glass down behind me and pulling my boots back on. Ethan doesn’t move, clearly still floored. I feel oddly calm, but maybe
that will wear off with the alcohol and I’ll wake up with heart palpitations.

I try to rouse Nell awake. ‘Nell,’ I prompt. ‘Nelly Belly, taxi’s here.’

‘Don’t call me Nelly Belly,’ she grumbles, coming to.

‘Bella Nella, then, is that better?’ I tease as I help her up. She once had a crush on an Italian boy who called her that, so I know she likes it.

She smirks and stumbles slightly, so I link my arm through hers. I’m hyperaware of Ethan’s every movement as he gets to his feet and follows us through the house. His silence is
unnerving.

‘Thanks for having us,’ Nell says with a sleepy smile as we walk outside.

‘Any time,’ he replies, stiffly returning her hug before she goes to climb into the taxi.

He hooks his thumbs into his pockets and turns to me with a stark look.

‘If you let this change things, I will never fucking forgive you,’ I find myself saying vehemently, with only a pinch of humour.

His eyes widen. ‘Christ, A,’ he exclaims, a grin finally finding its way onto his face, dimple included.

‘You’re my oldest friend,’ I say firmly. ‘Don’t be a dickhead about this.’

He looks taken aback.

‘Will you still drop Dad’s car home tomorrow?’ I ask, just to be sure.

‘Of course.’ He shrugs. ‘I said that I would.’ I’m relieved to see a smidgeon of his usual nonchalance.

‘Would you mind setting up the PS2 before you go? Get Liz off my back?’

‘Sure.’ He nods.

‘Thanks. Okay. See you tomorrow.’ I lean up to peck him on his cheek and then hurry over to the taxi and climb in, shutting the door behind me. I cast a look out of the window and
see him lift his hand in a half-wave as the car drives off, then I face the front.

I’ve totally freaked him out. Shit.

When I wake up early the next morning, my head is throbbing, my body feels heavy, my eyes are stinging and my throat feels as rough as sandpaper. Most of these things would be
cured by a little more sleep, but there’s fat chance of that.

Thoughts begin to whizz around my head like clothes on a spin cycle and, for a moment, everything feels chaotic and impossible to settle. Then, fragments of my conversation with Ethan start
slamming into place – bang, bang, bang – each piece increasing my sense of dread. I cover my face with my hands, feeling the sting of blood rushing to my cheeks. I’m absolutely
mortified.

What, on God’s green earth, compelled me to come clean after so many years of keeping my feelings to myself? The look on Ethan’s face when it all sank in…

I groan out loud and curl up on my side in a foetal position, coming face-to-face with Lambert.

He stares back at me with his glassy black eyes, and out of the blue I’m hit with an image of an auburn-haired woman smiling at me.

Hello, Mum.

My memories of her are few and far between, and sometimes they’re coupled with a sinister sense of foreboding. This one feels clean and pure, though, so I hold my breath and try to develop
her image into something more real and tangible.

Where are we?

We’re in my bedroom and she’s holding Lambert and dancing him around in front of my face. She pushes him onto my tummy and bounces him back up again, making me squeal with laughter
as she does it again and again. Then she takes me in her arms and holds me tightly, Lambert squashed soft and furry against my neck.

‘Goodnight, little…’

The whisper of the memory drifts away and I’m left feeling breathless and emotional. I clasp Lambert to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut.

Last night I managed to inject a certain amount of bravado into my voice when I said goodbye to Ethan. Today I don’t know where that bravado came from, and I certainly
don’t know how to retrieve it. I feel very subdued as I get ready for the day ahead.

By the time Liz comes out of the bathroom, I’m already well under way with the cleaning. I’ve rolled up the rugs and have put them in the kitchen, ready to be stored in the shed. Now
I’m vacuuming the hall and plan to mop it afterwards.

‘Oh, thank you, Amber,’ she says stiffly. ‘Would you like some help taking the rugs outside?’

‘No, I can manage,’ I reply.

A short while later, she emerges from her bedroom, dressed and ready for work.

‘By the way, I left Dad’s car at Ethan’s parents’ house last night,’ I tell her, in case she wonders where it is when she goes outside. ‘He’s dropping
it back later.’

‘Oh, okay. Would you like a lift to the hospital now?’

‘No, I’ll wait until visiting hours this afternoon.’ Dad has his therapy sessions in the morning, anyway, so I won’t be missing much.