The Tour (6 page)

“I’m feeling like I want to go home, but the penthouse is fucked, so we can’t go there.” His speech slurred from the pain meds. His energy is jumpy, irritable, and heavy as it hovers over my happy energy, deflating it like a balloon before it had a chance to be knotted off.

“Maybe we can rent a place together while the repairs are made.” He looks past me and rubs his arm fretfully, but slow because of the drugs. “I don’t want to miss Christmas with Riley.”

“You do understand the severity of this situation, right?” he asks pointedly, his lips in a straight line.

“Of course I do.”

“You walk in here doing some little dance like everything’s fine.” His eyelids require extra effort to close and then open again.

“But we lived. You’re alive. Riley’s safe. Deloris, too.”

“Not all of us are alive,” he says. His voice is full of venom as he stares out the window. It’s then I understand the root of his anger and, even though she doesn’t deserve a moment of my time after what she’s done to us, he needs to hear it’s okay to grieve.

“I know you lost someone, Kole. You and Katharina had a relationship and a past. I’m—I’m sorry about what happened to her.”

“We didn’t have a real relationship,” he barks. “We used to fuck.”

“That’s not true.” I straighten my back and keep my distance. “You cared about her. You have every right to grieve.” He’s in denial. How can he heal when he won’t even acknowledge he’s sad about her death?

“Fuck, Mia?” He turns his head toward me, his fist balling into the sheets.

“I’m sorry about Katharina,” I say, taking a step forward. He looks up at me and his features soften when he realizes I really mean it.

“It was her or me,” he whispers and closes his eyes.

“What?” I take his hand and he pulls me into him. I wrap my arms around his neck, pushing my fingers into his hair to sooth and absorb some of the sadness he’s not ready to let go of. He puts his hand on my back, a delayed reaction.

As he runs his hand up and down my spine, I feel bad for walking in so upbeat without even thinking about the fact that, for him, this is a different kind of loss. Personally I’m relieved she can’t hurt us anymore. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about it, but I do.

“We’re going to have Christmas at my parents’ house,” he murmurs, groggily. I pull away from him and feel my brows furrow in confusion.

“Are you sure?” Bringing me to his secret place is one thing, but bringing the entourage—that will make it not so secret anymore.

“I want to leave tomorrow.” He rubs his hair and leans his head back as if he’s paying attention to the pain still making it through the nerve-deadening meds. “We need some presents,” he says, slurred. “I’m buying. Take my card—my wallet is in the drawer. Have ’em shipped to the house.” He picks up a pad from the nightstand and writes. He looks up at me and nods toward the drawer.

I walk over to get the wallet, and glance at my hands before I can open the drawer. When I’d touched his hair I must have gotten dried blood on my hands because my finger tips are covered in it. I don’t want him to see. I glance back at him, and he only starts writing again when I pull his black card out of the wallet.

“We’ll go get a tree in town and can decorate the house on our own. Riley’ll like that won’t she?” he asks. As he hands me the paper, I try to keep him from seeing my hands. As I read the address to his parents’ house in the hills, I wonder if it’s his blood or hers. It makes my stomach churn. Of course they’d cleaned him up, but his hair hasn’t been washed.

“Yes. She’ll like that,” I say. I feel my chin tremble a little. My hands are trembling. I feel dirty. I wish I could wash us clean. Him. His hair. The images in his mind that are making him angry and secretive. But for now, all I can help him do is get ready for a real Christmas.

*     *     *

“The nurse kicked me out again,” I tell Riley as I walk into the room where she’s watching TV with Deloris, who, I realize, is asleep. “We’d better go, Riles.”

“No, I wanna stay with Deloris,” she pouts.

“Oh, no. We have to go. It’s really important. We’re going to the mall to get Christmas presents.”

“Christmas presents?”

“Yep. We’re going to Kolton’s house in the hills and we’re going to ride in a helicopter to stay there. Then we’re getting a tree and we’re gonna decorate it. We could get lights and hang’ em up inside, too. Does that sound good?”

She looks up at me, her eyes big, and smiles, showing too-big-for-her front teeth. She leans in, whispering, “Deloris likes owls. Can I get her an owl necklace?”

“Of course. An owl necklace sounds perfect.” I nod toward the door, and Riley comes with me without any more problems.

*     *     *

“Are you sure Kolton said to go to the mall right now and buy presents?” Maggie asks as we leave the hospital unnoticed. A mob of photographers had been waiting outside but we walked around to the cancer wing where we’d hidden the car earlier. They didn’t see us come in that way and they didn’t see us leave.

“Yeah, he said buy presents.”

“I’m not letting you go shopping here. There’s that mall right there one street over, but it’s in Beverly Hills. Photographers sit there all day watching for celebrities. You’d need more than just one body guard.”

“Do you know of another place?” I ask.

“Yeah, let’s go to Westside. It’s an outdoor mall—they’ve got a Nordstrom and a Macy’s. You can get everything there and have it shipped. Plus there’s less chance of runnin’ into paparazzi.”

“Okay,” I say as I work the key fob into the starter. It’s hard to get used to the fancy car. I know it’s in my name, but it’s too nice for me. It took me fifteen minutes the first time I drove it just to figure out how to set the driver’s seat because there’s so many buttons.

Riley makes me turn on the radio and whines until I find a station that plays the same six songs over and over again. The third or fourth song in, Kolton’s voice comes in through the speakers, running up and down my spine. It’s the song he wrote for me, and then I remember. His single released—as planned. Despite everything that’s happened, life went on as it should have, without our permission. Without our being ready.

I want to pull over and listen, but I can’t. My eyes sting with the feelings behind his words. It brings back everything I felt when he’d sent the lyrics to me a little at a time, because it reminds me he was willing to take his time with me, to wait for me. Then when he’d sung it live, I was watching him through the monitor backstage—I really felt it. I’m right there again, experiencing his words, and how his voice opened me fully to him. He tore down all reservations I’d built up to keep us apart. I want us to last. Forever.

And I worry about how we’ll survive this because it’s huge, life changing. Devastating.

“Take this exit,” Maggie interrupts my thoughts and I follow her directions into a parking garage along the main road where the mall seems to be hidden along with all the rest of the shops. I’m not used to malls like this one. In Sac our malls are monumental shopping experiences with cars parked all around them like bowed worshippers at the altar. This seems like,
Yeah, here’s another mall. Figure it out, dumbass
.

I lock the car with the key fob and take Riley’s hand as we walk inside. It’s so busy, people flitting here and there semi-frantically. And, for some reason, I feel at ease amongst their panic. Maybe because their anxiety is just a step below mine, making me feel sort of normal.

We find the mall map, and, as we walk toward Nordstrom, Riley makes me stop and get her a “prentzel”. That’s how she says pretzel—with a rogue ‘n’.

She devours it on her way toward the giant store and has cheese sauce on her face as we walk inside the inviting entryway. It dons on me, I’ve never bought anything here—only at Nordstrom’s
other
store, Nordstrom Rack, where everything is clearance. I’d spent some time there in the shoe aisle with my mom because she could get me a few pairs of name brand, last-season shoes for really cheap.

“They’ll last longer,” she’d said, as she perused the racks looking for my size. I remember her grabbing a purple velvet eight-inch heeled shoe with at least an inch-tall platform and sliding it on. “What do you think?” she asked, sticking her leg out like Marilyn Monroe.

I’d laughed and she walked down the aisle lopsided because her other shoe was a flip-flop but she was working it. I can still see her hair as it swayed back and forth behind her; can hear the laugher that carried its way inside my mind and memories forever. I can see the look on her face as she twisted around, flashing me her best duck face impression.

“What about this one?” Riley asks and I shake my head, seeing she’s holding an owl pendant necklace and looking up at me to see if I like it, too. I want to say something, but I can’t. I’m stuck, stuck in the past. Stuck in the present. Stuck.

“I like it a whole lot,” Maggie interjects when she sees I’m struggling to get myself together. I swallow hard around the lump and gush about the necklace.

“Deloris is going to love it, Riles!” I say, finally. She squints at me. I think she knows it was my fake happy voice.

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure she will. What’re you gonna get Kolton?”

“Huh?” Yeah, what
am
I going to get Kolton? “Can you help me? Maybe a watch? Or…?”

“Let’s look around at the boy section,” she says. I love how she’s so head-strong. As we walk toward the escalator, I decide to check the jewelry counter. I’m thinking perhaps a pocket watch with a chain. I can just see him with the silver chain running from his belt to his front pocket. Or he could wear it with one of those suits that smell like him in his huge closet.

Shit!

Are all those clothes soaking wet from the sprinkler system?
Maybe I should get him some clothes, too.

As we approach the shiny and brightly lit counter, we’re greeted right away. I ask to see their pocket watches, but when she brings out the tray, they seem generic. Meaningless.

“Do you have anything else?” I ask. “Something unique? Maybe handcrafted?” The lady who’s helping us leans in a little and whispers.

“What you want is at a small jewelry store inside the mall. They work with real artisans to create completely unique pieces.” My eyes widen as I know that’s exactly where I want to check. “I got my daughter a locket there with a music box inside. She loves it to pieces.”

“Thank you so much.”

“Are you Mia Phoenix?” she asks and I freeze for a second.

“I get that a lot these days. But no, not me. Thanks again,” I say before I start to walk away in a hurry, trying not to be found out. “Let’s go,” I say to Riley, under my breath.

“My owl necklace,” Riley protests, grabbing my arm. Oh, that’s right. I feel shifty-eyed and like a cat frozen in the middle of the street staring down a car. I want to run, but I can’t.

“I can check you out here,” the lady behind the counter says but I’ve got Kolton’s card. She’s going to see his name and figure it out. But if I walk away, I’ll seem weirder than I already am.

“Okay, Riles. Give her the necklace.” She rings it up and I hand over Kolton’s card. She looks down at the name with her glasses perched at the end of her nose. Her eyebrow cocks up, and then she swipes it and looks up at me. I smile as if to say, ‘
Shit. Yeah, I lied
.’

“I’m sorry you didn’t win. That scene when you went back to your old house after it was rebuilt…” she sighs, putting a hand over her heart to guard it. “I voted for you, a lot. Sign here, please,” she says, handing me the receipt and the pen.

“I don’t want anyone to know,” I tell her under my breath.

“Nothing to worry about,” she answers. “Mums the word.” And then she hands over the card and the bag with Deloris’ present. “Do you need anything else? We have professional shoppers here if you need to buy more items and have them delivered.”

Since I’ve been found out, I might as well get Kolton some clothes, too. All of us need clothes. I don’t want to leave without those.

“Actually, yes. I need to get clothes for all of us.”

She makes a call, and a stylist comes to help us. About two hours later, Kolton, Deloris, Riley, and I all have new clothes that are being shipped to Kolton’s parents’ house near Victorville. They were amazingly helpful and made the trip completely worth it. I’ve never had money at my disposal to buy whatever I wanted. It felt amazing, liberating, but completely surreal.