Authors: Iris Johansen
The priest was murmuring, motioning with his crucifix.
Surely it was almost over, Selene thought. She hadn’t remembered Ware and Thea’s vows lasting this long. She and Kadar seemed to have been kneeling before the priest forever.
“Stop frowning. It’s not been so long,” Kadar whispered.
Her gaze flew to his face. He had read her mind, as usual.
He was smiling. “Can’t you be a little less grim? Layla is already suspicious. I don’t want her running forward and whisking you away before the deed is done.”
Her gaze shifted to Layla and Tarik across the chamber. “She’s not going to do anything,” she whispered. “She spoke very gently of you last night.”
“Gently? Layla?”
“Well, more gently than usual. What did you—” She stopped as she became aware that the priest was staring sternly at her. She supposed she was not showing sufficient respect. But Kadar had spoken first, and the priest was not frowning at him. Now that she thought of it, the priest had ignored both her and Layla when he’d arrived at the villa. In the eyes of the Church, a woman was nothing until there was blame to be laid, and then it was always the woman’s fault, she thought with annoyance. She deliberately whispered more loudly, “I don’t like this priest. He’s rude, and I’m becoming very bored.”
Kadar smothered a laugh. “I don’t believe he considers it his duty to amuse you.”
“And this isn’t like Ware and Thea’s wedding.” Dear God, her voice was trembling. Where had this sudden burst of sadness come from?
Kadar’s hand tightened around her own. “Shh, it’s all right. This doesn’t really have anything to do with us.”
How could he say that? Vows were forever. The priest might not be of importance, but the vows loomed so large as to cast a shadow over everything.
“Look at me.” He held her gaze, his voice soft but vibrating with force. “Keep looking at me. This is right, Selene. It’s always been right. From that very first day I met you at the House of Nicholas.”
She couldn’t pull her gaze away. She no longer heard the priest’s voice. There was no one but Kadar.
Kadar holding her hand in the darkness.
Kadar joking as he sat across from her at the chessboard.
Kadar drawing her down on the couch in the tower chamber.
Kadar . . .
“It’s done,” Kadar said. His brilliant smile illuminated his face. “Now, that wasn’t so painful, was it?”
“What?” She realized he was talking about their vows. The priest had finished at last. Kadar was standing, lifting her to her feet. “No, I guess not.”
He turned her around and gently pushed her toward Tarik and Layla. “I’ll join you shortly. I believe I’d best send the priest on his way before he meets with more of your insults. We may have need of the power of the Church before this is over.”
“Very well.”
“Good God, docility?”
She was as surprised as he. Somehow those last few moments had banished all of her tension and impatience. She did not feel docile but dreamy, warm, and serene.
As serene as when she had learned she was with child.
The thought came out of nowhere. That was what all this was all about. Tonight she would be with Kadar again and there might be another child.
But it wasn’t the thought of the child that was making this eagerness and joyous anticipation tingle through her.
“Selene?” Kadar asked.
She smiled at him and then turned and walked toward Tarik and Layla.
“You’re sure you wish this?” Layla asked in an undertone. “Just because you took vows doesn’t mean you have to bed him.”
Selene smiled. “Most people would think that would be a necessary second step.”
“But you would not.”
“Why are you worrying? It’s not as if we haven’t coupled before.”
“You feel things too deeply. Passion can sway people to do things that aren’t good for them. Kadar can be very persuasive.”
“Yes, he can.”
Kadar in the tower room, moving within her, whispering encouragement.
“You’re not listening,” Layla said in disgust. “You look as soft as goose feathers. You might as well go to your chamber. I’ll send Kadar to you.”
Kadar was still talking to the priest, smiling, mending any anger he might have still felt.
He was her husband. They were joined.
“Go,” Layla said. “I dislike the thought of you melting into a puddle before my eyes.”
“You exaggerate.” But not by much, she thought ruefully. She turned and moved toward the door. “And I tire of your nagging. I’ll see you in the morning.”
She could feel the soft draping of her gown brush against her body with every step. The touch was sensuous, caressing.
Like Kadar . . .
Why could she think of nothing else?
She shut the door and leaned back against it.
Soon he would be here.
Her heart was beating hard. She was oddly breathless.
She couldn’t just wait. She had to do something.
The room was twilight dim. She crossed the room and lit a candle.
“I like you in that gown.”
She whirled to see Kadar standing in the doorway.
She moistened her lips. “It’s not really a gown. Layla draped—” She forgot what she was saying as she met his gaze. “The priest left?”
“After Tarik compensated him very generously.” He shut the door and came toward her. “He wasn’t pleased with you. He commiserated with me on my ill luck in acquiring such a shrew of a bride. He wanted to know if your dowry was enough to compensate me for the misery to come.”
“And what did you tell him?”
“I told him that I’d committed a great many sins and you were my penance.” He stopped before her, and she could feel the heat of his body. “He said I should have confessed to him and he would never have given me such an atonement.”
She could barely make sense of his words. Her knees felt weak and she could only stare at him. What had he been saying? Something about the priest. “He doesn’t like women.”
“Not a bad thing in a man who took vows of abstinence.”
“He should respect—” She inhaled sharply as his thumb touched the hollow of her throat.
“I feel your heartbeat,” he said thickly. “But I can feel it more when I’m inside you. It’s as if your whole body comes alive and closes around me. Tight and smooth as—” He closed his eyes and his lips tightened with strain. “God, I didn’t mean to touch you. I don’t know if I can stop.”
Of course he’d meant to touch her, and stopping was out of the question. She stepped closer. “You don’t need to—I promised that if you—”
“No.” His eyes opened and he drew a deep breath. “No, Selene. No ifs. No bargains. No promises.” His hand fell away from her and he stepped back. “No excuses why we should come together. When we make love, it has to be because that’s what you need, what you want, and because you realize that it can’t be any other way.”
She stared at him in bewilderment. “What do you mean? You’re the one who offered the bargain.”
“Because it was the only way I saw that I could protect you.”
“You said you wanted a child.”
“I do, but I wouldn’t bargain for it.”
“You lied to me?”
“You’re raising walls again. Don’t do it, dammit. Don’t
hide
from me. I don’t know why you’ve always thought you had to protect yourself against me. I understood that when you were a child, but you’re a woman now. Trust me. Belong to me. Let me belong to you. Yes, I lied. I’d do it again if I thought it would help you. I’d do anything to keep you safe and with me.” His lips twisted. “I’ve grown accustomed to taking things and molding them to suit myself. I’ll probably not be able to stop. But this is one time when I have to try to step back and let you choose.” He gazed directly into her eyes. “I’ll give you Nasim no matter what you do. Take me. Reject me. It doesn’t matter. I never intended to do anything else. I’d have gone after him even if you begged me not to. Do you think I’d allow him to walk the earth after what he did to you and Haroun?” He turned and moved toward the door. “So think well. You have no bargain, no excuse. This is the last time I’ll come to you. If you come to me, it will be because you accept what I am and what you are and that we have to be together.”
He was leaving, she realized through the haze of bewilderment surrounding her. “Where are you going?”
“Somewhere far away from you and this villa.”
The door slammed behind him.
God, what an idiot.
Kadar strode quickly down the hall, trying to put as much distance between them as possible.
Fool.
She had been willing. There would have been no coercion.
But what of next time? There was more at stake than a night’s rutting.
That silky blue gown, clinging to her breasts, revealing the softness of her shoulders.
Stop thinking of her. He was already heavy and hurting.
Would it have harmed anything to have bedded her tonight? So there would not have been honesty between them. He would have been inside her and feeling the heated friction that—
“Where are you going? Why aren’t you with Selene?”
He turned to see Layla standing at the door. All he needed was to have to suffer through explanations to her, he thought in exasperation.
He didn’t answer as he ran down the steps.
He had left her.
Selene crossed her arms over her chest to still their trembling. He was gone.
Well, good riddance. He had lied to her and—
But hadn’t she also lied to herself? Who had been the most at fault?
Excuses. Lies.
“What happened? I saw Kadar leaving the villa.” Layla swept into the room without knocking. “I knew you wouldn’t send him away unless he did something—You look like a sick cow.”
Selene shook her head. She couldn’t deal with Layla right now. “He didn’t do anything.”
“I don’t believe it,” Layla said flatly.
“I don’t care what you believe. Will you leave me?”
Layla frowned. “You’re right, it’s none of my concern. I just wondered if he’d said anything about—I’ll leave you.” She didn’t move. “But if you want him back, I could send someone to—”
“I don’t want him back.” She did want him back, but she didn’t know what she could say to him. She was confused and hurting and frightened. Kadar’s words had resonated with finality and truth.
It was as if he had stripped all the barriers and subterfuges to which she’d clung throughout the years, throughout her entire life.
Leaving what?
“Call if you need me.”
Layla was leaving, Selene realized dimly. She barely heard the door close.
No bargains, no promises.
You’re a woman now.
Trust me. Belong to me.
“I told you I wouldn’t be ready until tomorrow.” Vaden leaned back in his chair and gazed quizzically at Kadar. “What are you doing here?”
“This was the farthest I could get from the villa.” He sat down at the table opposite Vaden. “I take it this foul place now has sufficient wine to suit you?”
Vaden nodded slowly, his gaze on Kadar’s face.
“Well, it may not have enough to suit me.”
“Interesting. I’d judge you a man who’d resent losing himself in Bacchus’s embrace. What happened?”
“I was wed today.”
Vaden threw back his head and shouted with laughter. “By God, that’s reason enough for any man. Who is the bride? Lady Selene?”
“Yes.”
“A difficult woman, but I didn’t think she’d cast you out of her bedchamber.”
“The situation is complicated.”
“Life is complicated. I have experience with difficult women.” He paused. “But I don’t believe you came to me solely because I was many miles away from the lady.”
“You’re right, I’m a cautious man. If I lower my guard, it must be with someone I trust not to take advantage.”
“And I’m that person? How strange.” He was silent a moment and then held up his hand and motioned to a servant. “Wine for my friend.”
Kadar’s brows lifted in surprise. “You consider me your friend, Vaden?”
“We’re all friends while the wine is flowing.” Vaden lifted his goblet in a toast. “And how could I be anything but your most honored friend if you choose to spend your wedding night with me instead of your bride?”
THE DOOR OF SELENE’S CHAMBER flew open with a force that sent it crashing against the wall.
“I’ve brought you a present.”
Selene jerked upright in bed and snatched up the sheet to cover her breasts as Vaden strode into the chamber. “What are you—”
Vaden dumped Kadar on her bed and gave a sigh of relief. “He weighs more than I thought. I wouldn’t have encouraged him to drink that last goblet of wine if I’d known I’d have to play pack mule. I wanted him dizzy, not unconscious.” He swayed as he straightened. “Oh, well, he’d probably have fought me when he saw where I was bringing him. This is probably best.”
“You’re drunk.”
“Very. But not as drunk as your Kadar.” He stripped the tunic over Kadar’s head and then bent to slip off his sandals. “Not surprising—it’s clear he’s a man who rarely lets himself overindulge. Those who have purpose usually manage to outdrink me. Your groom had purpose.”
“Take him to his chamber.”
He shook his head. “That would spoil everything. He said there were complications that kept him from your bed.” He rolled Kadar’s naked body in the cover. “Behold, no complications.” He started for the door. “So simple.”
“Wait. You can’t—”
It seemed he could. She was talking to air.
Her gaze shifted to Kadar. He appeared so helpless. She had never seen Kadar drunk. As Vaden had said, Kadar was always wary, always in control. He was certainly not in control now. What was she to do with him? she wondered in exasperation. She had thought long into the night, but she was not ready to face Kadar yet. Particularly not a drunken sot of a Kadar.
Ready or not, he was here and she must accept it. She slipped from bed and crossed, naked, to the window. The first rays of dawn were lighting the sky. She didn’t have to stay here. She could dress, go and sit in the garden, and then come back after Kadar woke. He might even leave before she returned. It had not been his desire to intrude on her. She could stay out of his way until he—
Don’t
hide
from me.
Was she hiding, as Kadar claimed? The plan to avoid him had come so easily.
Accept what I am.
She wasn’t prepared yet. She had to think, to let the thoughts he’d planted come to fruition.
Trust me.
How she had battled with that question of trust.
Good God, why was she standing here shivering at the thought? She had never been one to cavil at facing anything else. In truth, the decision had already been made.
She turned and strode back to the bed. She stood there looking down at Kadar for a long moment.
Then she slipped into bed beside him to wait until he woke.
Kadar didn’t open his eyes until late afternoon.
Then he immediately closed them. “Good God, my head hurts. . . .”
“It serves you well,” Selene said.
His eyes opened again. “What are—” His gaze wandered from her face to her obviously naked body covered by the blanket. “God in heaven.”
“Go cleanse your mouth. You stink of wine.”
He gingerly sat up and then flinched as he turned his head to look down at her. “What am I doing here?”
“You didn’t come on your own, if that’s your concern. Vaden brought you. He dumped you on my bed like a limp salmon.”
He flinched again as he carefully stood up and moved toward the washbasin. “I hope you didn’t use that comparison to Vaden. I’ve found he has a perverse sense of humor.”
“He didn’t give me a chance to say anything. He seemed to be too full of glee at ridding you of ‘complications’ to bother with anything else.”
“Instead, he’s piled on a mountain more.” He splashed water in his face and then rinsed his mouth. “And I can scarcely wait until I’m myself again so that I can go break his neck.”
“I’d not go that far. I found his directness to be helpful.”
He stopped in midmotion of drying his face. “What?”
Selene drew a deep breath. Don’t hide. Honest. Open. “I believe you heard me. Now, if you can come near me without making me intoxicated from that foul odor, I’d like you to come back to bed.”
He slowly put the towel back on the washstand. “Why?”
“I wish to couple with you.” She moistened her lips. “Though I don’t know why when you saw fit to rob me of my wedding night.”
“Selene.”
“Stop arguing.” Her gaze went to his body. “I’m not blind. I can see you’re ready for me.”
“But are you ready for me?”
He meant the question more than physically. “I think—” She met his gaze and said clearly, “Oh, yes, I know I’m ready for you.”
A brilliant smile lit his face. “I suppose I should ask questions and give you an opportunity to question yourself. It would be the noble thing to do.” He was across the room in three strides and tearing the cover off her. “But I’ve been down that path and I’m not going there ever again.” He parted her thighs and moved between them. “I’ve been noble enough to last me for a lifetime.”
“I never asked you to be—”
She lost speech and breath as he sank deep and the rhythm started. Her arms closed tightly around him.
Accept. Trust. Belong.
Oh, yes, belong . . .
“You performed very well.” Her lips brushed his shoulder. “I admit I had my doubts. I’ve never seen you drunk before.”
“I was inspired.” He lifted himself on one elbow and looked down at her. “And I didn’t perform well, I performed magnificently.”
“Braggart.” She thought about it. “Perhaps the first time.”
“I was even better the third time.”
She smiled slyly. “I was too weary to notice.”
“You wound me.” He brushed the hair back from her face with a gentle hand. “But, it’s true, I did perceive a lack of enthusiasm in you. I thought I’d taught you that a woman must be as skilled as a man in this—” He inhaled sharply. “Will you—please remove—your hand?”
She squeezed. “Actually, a woman doesn’t have to be so skilled. I’ve found you to be responsive to the simplest things.”
“Simple?” He went rigid as her thumbnail caressed him. “If you don’t wish to couple with me again in the next minute, I’d remove your hand.”
She laughed and released him. “Not until I’ve had my supper.” She swung her feet to the floor and stood up. “And afterward I wish a hot bath.” She carelessly draped the length of blue material around her. Layla was right, this garment had many uses. She liked the feel of the softness against her breasts. Her body felt as sleek and silky smooth as the material. “And then I’ll see what other simple things amuse you.”
She could feel his gaze on her as she strolled to the window. Night had fallen hours ago, and the moonlight shimmered on the rectangular pool. So serene. She felt serene too. Only minutes ago she had been lost in the most frenzied of passions, yet now she felt as tranquil as that cool, still pool.
“What are you thinking?” Kadar asked.
“That emotions seldom remain the same for very long.”
“Some emotions do.” He paused. “Love. Hate.”
“Yes, but that’s not the same.” She came back toward him. “And I don’t want to think about hate right now.” She knelt on the floor beside the bed and laid her cheek on his hand. “I do love you, Kadar,” she whispered. “I’ve loved you for so long.” She rubbed her cheek back and forth. She added haltingly, “I thought I could live without you. I thought I’d be fine. I was wrong. I have to be with you.”
“Selene.”
“So you have to take care of yourself,” she said fiercely. “Do you hear me? I won’t have you dying on me.”
“You won’t?” He turned his hand and cradled her cheek in his palm. His voice was uneven. “I’ll try to oblige you.”
“And you have to promise to love me forever.”
“That’s an easy task.” He lifted her chin and gazed directly into her eyes. “I’ll love you until the day I die, Selene.”
“I like these vows far better than the ones we gave the priest,” she said shakily. “I’ll love you until the day I die too, Kadar.”
An indefinable expression flitted over his face for only a second and then was gone. “I thank you.” He bent his head and brushed her lips with his own. “I’ll try not to violate your trust.”
“You’d better not. I’ve just learned the way of it.” She rose to her feet. “But I never do things in small measure. I’ll trust you now no matter what you do.”
“You will?” There was a strange note in his tone. “Are you sure?”
She smiled. “I’m sure.”
“That makes everything much more difficult for me.”
“I’d think it would simplify.” She looked at him from beneath her lashes. “We’ve already established my liking for simplicity.”
He moved his shoulders as if shrugging off a burden. He grinned. “God bless simplicity. Are you sure you need to eat now?”
“No.” The folds of blue silk pooled at her feet. She stepped over it and moved toward him. “We’ve taken our own vows, and they should be celebrated in some way.” She slipped into bed and into his arms. She whispered, “And it need not necessarily be a very simple way. You’re very good at complications.”
“I’ve been patient long enough.” Vaden strode into Selene’s chamber and slammed the door. “Out of bed and into your clothes.”
Kadar sat up and quickly pulled the cover over Selene. “It’s courteous to knock, Vaden.”
“He doesn’t know how,” Selene said sarcastically.
“Would you have answered my knock? Tarik says you haven’t been out of this chamber in two days. Coupling is all very well, but it can’t interfere with the business at hand. Since I was the one who threw you into her bed, I felt obligated to allow you some extra time to enjoy her, Kadar, but I—”
“Allow?” Kadar repeated.
“Don’t be testy. You wanted my services. You have them. I won’t be kept waiting while you pleasure—”
“Get out, Vaden,” Kadar said.
Vaden sat down in a chair. “When you do.”
“Go on, Kadar,” Selene said. “I’ve no desire to lie here while you argue. Besides, perhaps he’s right. Keeping him waiting was discourteous.”
Vaden gave her a brilliant smile. “Thank you. It’s seldom I meet a woman who is both beautiful and just.”
He was the one who was beautiful, and she wondered how many women had melted at that stunning smile. “I’m not beautiful, and I’m not stupid enough to believe such flattery. Take your sweet words out of here while I dress.”
He blinked and then rose to his feet. “As you command.”
Kadar was throwing on his clothes. “Where are Tarik and Layla?”
“On the terrace. They seemed in no hurry to disturb you. Do I detect a hint of reluctance in them?”
“More than a hint, but it won’t affect your fee.”
“Of course it won’t.” He moved leisurely toward the door. “Since I tremble at your lady’s wrath, I’ll wait outside in the hall for you.”
Selene doubted if he had ever trembled in his life and certainly not at any woman’s displeasure. She had never seen a cooler, more confident man.
As soon as he was gone, she said to Kadar, “Don’t wait for me. I wish to cleanse myself. I’ll join you as soon as I’m dressed.”
Kadar nodded. “Though we should really keep Vaden waiting. It’s not good for him to have his way in everything.”
“And have him burst in here again? I’d rather have privacy than give him lessons in manners.”
He had finished dressing and bent to brush her lips with his own. “I could break his head,” he whispered. “This isn’t the way I wanted it to—”
“End?” she finished as he stopped. “Nothing has ended. What are you thinking? We couldn’t stay here like this forever.” She kissed him long and hard. “Don’t settle anything of importance until I join you, no matter how impatient Vaden becomes.”
“I wouldn’t dare.” He smiled and gently touched the hollow of her cheek. “I, too, tremble at the thought of your wrath.”
“As well you should.” She pushed him away and tossed the blanket aside. “Now go and keep Vaden from attacking Nasim before I manage to make my toilet.”
He was gone almost before she finished the sentence. In spite of his words, she could see his eagerness. Sensuality and coupling were all very well, but Nasim was shimmering on the horizon and Kadar could never resist a challenge.
Nasim.
Fear clenched the muscles of her stomach. This was what she had wanted: a final confrontation and Nasim punished for his sins. It was what she still wanted. Right was right.
But, dear God, what of Kadar? She had been so fanatically determined to accomplish her goal that she had barely allowed herself to think of anything else. She had needed his help and told herself she would involve him as little as possible.
But no one could stop Kadar from involving himself if he decided that was what he wanted to do. She should have known that better than anyone else. No argument would sway him. He would just go his own way.
And he could die as Haroun had died, as her baby had died.
She would not allow it. After all they had been through to reach this point, she would not lose him now.
She drew a deep breath to ease the tightness of her chest. She must not panic. Kadar mustn’t see either her terror or any reluctance regarding his participation. That child-woman who had helplessly pounded her fists against his resolve was gone and must never return. She must think and plan and find a way to make sure that Kadar survived.