The Truth About Letting Go (12 page)

My head’s spinning from what just happened and trying to keep up with my partner in crime. “Next hour, okay?”

I’m stalling. I have no idea if I’m ready to break the seal with him or not. I mean, I am ready. I don’t believe in waiting anymore. It’s just so sudden, and I’m not prepared. I also don’t believe in becoming a statistic.

He grins. “But I have chemistry next hour.”

“Then you’d better study. Now you know about the pop quiz.”

“Studying’s for middle class white kids.”

“Nice. I guess that means I’d better hit the books.”

“You are not middle class, Lady Ashley.”

We’re at chemistry, so I step back and kiss him on the cheek. He catches me and pushes me against the wall, kissing me for real, mouths open, tongues entwined. My whole body bursts into flame. He pulls back, and I almost slide down into a puddle.

“Still no?” he says.

I blink and try to answer. The best I’ve got is shaking my head, but I can’t tell if I’m saying no or yes.

“Sexy nerd,” he says. “I’m picking you up tonight at eleven.”

“Tonight? Wait… I won’t see you at lunch?”

“Nah, I’m taking off.”

The halls are empty and Mr. Perkins is shutting the classroom door. I don’t have time to ask more questions or even watch him walk away before I push through the entrance and dash to my seat.

* * *

Mandy’s doing her best to act like she’s not ready to kill me at lunch. I almost wish she would. Apparently the whole school knows about the almost-fight between Jordan and Colt and my subsequent lip-lock outside of chemistry.

“I can’t believe you were making out with him in the hall.” Her voice is low and controlled. “In front of everyone like we’re not even friends.”

I stab my salad. I’m not hungry. I glance at her quickly and wonder how my life would change if my friendship with Mandy was another fatality of my new persona. Do I want to lose her friendship? No.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “He just sort of grabbed me, and I didn’t have time to think. It was a total surprise.”

A hot surprise, I don’t add.

“You’re so ungrateful. And just… a bad friend. There. I said it. I’m sorry your dad died, but I stood by you all these months you’ve been weird. And this is what I get.” She takes a big stab of salad and shoves it into her mouth.

“I helped you get a date with him to the luau, didn’t I?”

“Oh, sure. Rub it in that he still picked you.”

I let out a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say, Mandy.”

So many thoughts are twisted up in my head, but I’m not giving up Colt. Not now. Being with him is like being on that rollercoaster. It’s crazy and unpredictable, and the last thing I want to do when I’m with him is mourn my dad. At the same time, that fills me with guilt, like a betrayal. I remember my fears of forgetting him, and I think about the last week I spent with Jordan planning the news story and talking about his life. I glance over at Charlotte’s beefy clique. Of course, she’s not looking at me.

Amber joins us, and I’m hopeful for a change in the conversation. “Hey, Mandy. Hey, Hot Lips.”

I shake my head.

“Did you hear?” she gushes leaning forward over her salad. “Trevor Martin’s on sudden-death expulsion watch.”

Mandy stabs at her plate, and her nose curls. “What does that even mean?”

“It means one more infraction and he’s gone. Reform school.”

I press my mouth closed and study my plate. I’m not supposed to care about the fallout of my actions anymore. Why is guilt so hard to switch off?

“Who’s doing the watch?” I say.

“Patty’s taken direct charge of the situation.”

Our principal, Mr. Patel, who we affectionately call Patty, is actually a very nice, reasonable person, and I consider for a whole five seconds going to him and telling him what happened. Colt would kill me.

The bell sounds, and Amber snaps into speed-eating mode. I stand and slide my plate off the table fast. Mandy’s still angry, and I know she has more to say to me. But I’m exhausted by how she’s making me feel. It’s just like with Charlotte. A person can only hold so much bad feeling, and I’m at the full line. She’ll have to wait. They all will.

I deposit my plate and head for the door, just in time to see Jordan standing outside. I do a quick U-turn, and I’m face-to-face with Charlotte. We actually bump into each other.

“Oh, hey,” I say, catching her arm. “Sorry. How’s it going?”

She looks at me like I just fell out of the space station or sprouted an additional head. Then she glances at her friends, and they all widen their eyes in astonished horror. They laugh, and I’m shuffled off to the side as they prepare to exit. But Mandy’s right beside me.

“Am I high?” she says loudly. “Did Petunia Pig and her Stay-puff friends actually just give you the stunned shun? After what you’ve been through?”

I can’t speak. My best friend is defending me. She’s standing beside me and glaring at them, blocking the door so they can’t leave. Finally, one of Charlotte’s friends mumbles something like an apology, and I watch as she steps aside for them to resume their bustle through the double doors. I’m bewildered by all of it.

“Come on,” Mandy says to me once they’re gone.

“I thought you were mad at me.”

“I am,” she exhales. “But you’re having a shitty year. Maybe you need something good in your life. And at least he’s not Jordan.”

My throat tightens, and the tears that are always waiting for a weak moment to charge out spring into my eyes. I blink fast and follow her. She doesn’t slow down, and she doesn’t seem to be expecting a response. It’s a good thing because I don’t know what I would say if I could give her one.

* * *

When I get home from school, I’m surprised again by the presence of my mother. But this time, I’m ready to run right back out the door. Sitting beside her on the couch is a face I know well. Dr. Eric James lives around the corner from us. He’s a popular local psychiatrist, and his son Jason was the hottest guy at school until two years ago when he graduated.

I’m frozen in the doorway watching him smile and chat with my mom like they’re old friends. I knew my time in therapy was coming, but I didn’t expect an ambush.

“Ashley,” Mom stops me from backing out the door. “Please come meet Dr. James.”

They both stand and wait for me to come inside, and for a split second, I waver between doing what she says and dropping everything and running.

“Call me Eric. You probably know my son Jason.” Dr. James has an easy, friendly voice, like his son, and they actually look alike, brown hair and brown eyes, only the older version has flecks of gray.

“Yes, sir,” I answer. “Umm… How’s he doing in college?”

I’m not sure what’s about to happen, so I slowly walk into the living room and sit on the edge of a chair. Dr. James and my mom sit back down on the couch, their knees pointed inward, almost touching.

“Jason stopped showing me his grades in middle school, but he must be doing well. I keep getting the tuition bill, so I know he hasn’t been kicked out yet.”

I nod. That’s all I’ve got. He’ll have to take the lead if we’re going to keep talking. Mom actually picks up the thread.

“I don’t know if you knew this, honey, but Jason’s mom died of leukemia right before they moved back to Shadow Falls. Eric stopped by to see if we needed anything or wanted to talk.”

My eyes travel from her to him and then to my hands in my lap. “I just knew Jason dated Harley. Dr. Andrews’s daughter.”

“Dates Harley,” Jason’s dad says. “Those two are still at it.”

“She’s a sweet girl,” Mom says.

I don’t add that since I was Stephanie Perkins’s friend, who was Harley’s nemesis, she and I were never close. But Harley was okay, if a little sheltered. We pretty much stayed out of each others’ way when we were on the cheerleading squad together. She sucked at cheering, but I remember she would go ballistic if she heard anything that sounded like bullying. It made up for the rest, and of course Jason was always hanging around. He might be the nicest guy I’ve ever met. Besides Jordan.

“Anyway, I told Eric you might want to make an appointment with him sometime,” Mom says. Then she hastily adds. “To talk about your dad.”

I shake my head no. This day has been overwhelming enough, and I’ve had enough adult input on how I should feel about losing my dad. I don’t need any more.

“You’ve probably been told a lot of well-intended garbage, Ashley,” Dr. James says, and my eyes snap to his dark brown ones. “Jason and I certainly did after we lost Nicole.”

I study him for a few minutes. “Thanks, Dr. James,” I say. Then I stand up. “I’ve got to do my homework now.”

“You don’t have to call me Dr. James. Eric’s fine. But not Rick.” His eyes twinkle, and I have no problem seeing where Jason got his good genes.

“Thanks,” I say again and leave the room.

On the way out, I hear their voices drop to a murmur. I stop at the hall and look back before I enter my room. My mom looks down and slides a lock of her light brown hair behind her ear. Eric smiles and reaches out to touch her arm. He says something I don’t hear, but she places her hand on top of his. I grit my teeth. What the hell? How dare she suddenly act like she cares about anybody?

My phone vibrates in my hand, and I look down at it. Jordan’s calling, but I don’t want to talk to him. I’m sure he’s going to say more of the same—what kind of person he knows I really am, and what Colt really wants. What he doesn’t get is I’m aware of what Colt wants, and it’s what I want now, too.

I toss my phone on the bed and slip back into the hall. I still hear my mom talking to Dr. James as I skip into the kitchen. Silently, I turn the handle on the back door, and I’m running down the side of the house and jumping over the stone wall in under a minute. One more minute, and I’m on the bank, my arms wrapped around my knees, which are pulled into my chest, staring at the currents.

Finally, after what feels like a long time, I start to calm down. I breathe deeply and sort through the day, from Jordan swearing and fighting in the hall to Colt make-out kissing me in front of the whole school to Charlotte’s weird response and Mandy’s sudden show of protectiveness. Then I remember one more piece of information—the part about Trevor.

I lean over onto my side and study the water. I close my eyes and let myself think about Dad. I’ve heard people say as time passes, they start to forget what their loved ones looked like. I was so afraid of that happening, but so far, I can still see him smiling, his eyes bright and happy. Before he got sick.

My chest starts to feel tight, and I struggle to pull air into my lungs. His face is still sharp as a photograph in my mind.

Charlotte said Dad’s goodness shone in his eyes, and she was right. I rub my forehead and wonder if he’d understand what I’m doing now. If he can see me from where he is. My eyes blink open, and I realize I’m thinking about heaven. If I don’t believe in prayer and God and the church anymore, where does that put Dad? I kick my leg straight in front of me. I don’t know the answer to that question. And until I do, I don’t plan to think about it.

Colt said he was picking me up tonight at eleven. I don’t know what he did for the rest of the school day, but I wish it were time to see him now. I want him to kiss me and make me feel all hot and forgetful. I want to be far away from these questions I can’t answer. I don’t want to answer.

I’m just starting to get up when I turn and see Charlotte standing at the bottom of the little hill. She’s not coming toward me, but she’s not walking away either. I remember the way she acted in the cafeteria and anger flares in my already constricted chest. I walk down to her wondering what she has to say to me. She doesn’t move.

As I approach her, I think, we don’t have anything in common besides my dad. She liked him. So did a lot of people. For some ridiculous reason, I reached out to her, and now I see how that turned out. I stop in front of her, and she doesn’t look away. When we’re standing on level ground, she’s actually taller than me, so I have to look up to meet her eyes. It’s different from before, when we were sitting on the bluff, and I was above her.

“Hey,” I say, waiting to see what kind of defense she’ll mount, if any.

“Just doing my walk,” she says. “Saw you sitting up there.”

“Not stopping for a chat anymore?”

“What for? We don’t have anything in common. Other than your dad.”

“I was just thinking the same thing.”

She starts to walk again, and since she’s going in the direction of my house, I walk with her. We’re silent for several paces. It’s not a fast walk, but her breathing is labored. The sun is out, and it’s getting warmer, which means she’s sweating profusely. I look down the street at my old friend Stephanie’s house. She moved to California for college two years ago. She might’ve understood me trying to be friends with Charlotte, but just like Mandy, Stephanie would’ve called her out in the cafeteria today.

“So what was that all about today at lunch?” I say.

“What?” Her high-pitched voice is fake-sweet again.

“I said hey to you, and you acted like I had mono.”

She does a little laugh. “That’s not true.”

“Everybody saw it. Mandy even called you on it. I spoke, and you made a face and tried to walk out the door.”

“I didn’t hear what you said is all,” she lies, still breathing heavily from our stroll.

“Look, Charlotte, I wasn't thinking and I said a shitty thing to you. I didn’t see you liked Jordan. But I said I was sorry, and I’m dating Colt now.”

“I heard. And making out with him in the halls,” she gasps another breath. “New question, do your lips ever get tired?”

“Statement, if you want to spin this like I was a bitch to you, we both know that’s a lie. I was nice. I wanted to be your friend, and you crapped all over me.”

“What do you know about being nice?” She huffs like she’s having a heart attack, and I stop because we’ve reached my driveway.

“Not to waste my time on it.” I turn away and walking up the lawn. I hear her keep going, and I don’t look back.

Chapter 10