The Truth About Letting Go (9 page)

* * *

Mom is home when I get there for the first time in a week. I only have a few hours before Jordan picks me up again, and I’d planned to spend them getting ready slowly. I didn’t expect to see my one remaining parent before I left. She’s in the kitchen checking the mail when she looks up and sees me.

“Hey, honey,” she says. “Date tonight?”

“It’s the luau. I’ve got to change and get ready before Jordan gets here.”

She nods and turns back to the mail.

I decide to wear khaki Capri pants and a green tank. We’ll all get one of those cheap pink and blue-flowered leis at the luau, so I’ll look the part somewhat. When I return from my room, Mom walks over and sits beside me on the couch. She’s still in her brown pencil-skirt from work and white blouse, but she’s barefoot and her light-brown hair is down. She’s still pretty, even if she never smiles now.

“So who’s Jordan?” Her voice contains a warmth I haven’t heard in six months, and it irritates me.

“Jordan Adams. He’s a guy from school.”

“Does he live in the neighborhood?”

“Shadow Falls.”

She picks up a magazine and holds it for a split second before putting it facedown on the coffee table. Dad’s subscription to
Healthy Man
hasn’t expired yet, and the issues just keep on coming. I decide to call tomorrow and ask them to keep the money, just please stop sending us new copies.

She clears her throat. “I’ll hang out and meet him.”

“It’s okay, Mom. Jordan’s just a friend.” I can’t figure out where this sudden interest in my life is coming from.

“Still—”

“You know, it’s a little late for this.” Fighting with Mom hurts, but it’s nothing compared to the knot twisting in my stomach.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I mean now you’re the attentive parent?”

“Ashley, you’re being disrespectful.” The edge has returned to her voice, and it’s a sound I’m much more comfortable with than the warmth.

“I’m being honest.”

“You’re still dealing with your emotions. I know. But I intend to meet your date.”

“How can you be so cold?” I hate that my voice breaks when I say it, that tears prick at my eyes.

There is no way in hell I’m crying in front of her. She, who went all stonewall the minute the doctors said
six months to live
… Who gave up and started working like it was the only thing in the world that mattered.

She looks at me and I see a flash of emotion in her eyes. I’d almost forgotten what that looked like on her face, but just as her lips part, the doorbell rings. She closes them again and strides to get it as I hurry to beat her.

“I’ll get it,” she says, reaching in front of me.

Jordan is leaning against the entrance with his hands in his pockets. He’s wearing the lighter jeans I bought him and a Hawaiian-print shirt, and he still looks great. I briefly accept he’ll never be just Jordan to me again.

He straightens up, looking surprised to see my mother. “Uh… hi,” he stammers. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t expect—”

“Hi, Jordan!” I call from the side. I know how my mother’s eyes can make you feel. Like you’re
very
unwelcome. “I’m ready if you are!”

“I’m Ashley’s mother,” Mom says still blocking us. “You’re very tall. I mean… I’m sorry. Are you on the basketball team?”

“It’s okay,” he smiles in that easy way. “Nah, basketball’s not my thing. I just take after my dad.” He suddenly flushes red as if the word
Dad
is off-limits at my house.

“Well, Jordan. I hope you don’t think because I’m a single parent, you can stay out all hours.”

“No! Of course not. We’ll be home by—”

“Eleven.” Mom finishes his sentence.

“Eleven,” Jordan smiles. “You got it.”

I’m furious. I know my curfew. “Good night,” I say as I push past her.

“Sorry about that,” I say, as I dig through his mom’s music collection. “I know she can be intimidating. It’s the lawyer in her.”

“I didn’t expect to meet your mom.”

“I didn’t think you would either.”

I’ve found the disk I was looking for. Eurythmics. Missionary Man. I slide the silver plastic in and crank it.

“Very funny.” Jordan says, turning the volume back down.

“If you’re the missionary man, then I’m the original sinner.”

“She’s little… like you.”

“And that’s where the similarities end.”

His eyes slant to me. “Maybe.”

I think of how she’s acted ever since that day in the kitchen. My thumb automatically touches the silver ring that’s grown loose on my finger now. “Definitely.”

* * *

The gym is a blaze of lights and tropical decorations when we walk in the door. Music is loud and thumping, and I can feel the vibration of the bass line in my bones.

“You want to dance?” Jordan shouts at me.

“Let’s walk around some first.”

“You have a pound of thirst?” Jordan frowns. I smile and a bit of the tension from my unpleasant moment with my mother eases. I don’t know how he does it.

“No!” I shout. “Walk around. Walk!” I wiggle my fingers like two legs.

“Oh!” He smiles and nods.

We go to where a few of the junior class officers are standing, sizing up the event. When they see Jordan, their eyebrows rise.

“You’re making an impression,” I yell up at his ear.

He leans toward me smiling. “What?”

I shake my head and we keep walking. I can’t help looking for Mandy.

“I’ll get us some punch,” Jordan says before leaving me for the refreshments table. All the cups have little umbrellas in them, and I watch him go as the warmth of bodies closes in the space where he was. The song ends and for a moment, I can hear.

“Ashley!” It’s Mandy. My heart stops. “Over here!”

I turn, and there he is. Stunning in jeans and a white tee with a blue lei around his neck. Mandy is wearing a Hawaiian-print wrap skirt and halter top, and I’m sure she chose the outfit for its easy access to what’s underneath.

“Hey!” I say as they approach. I try not to notice Colt looking straight at me like he's planning something.

“Where’s the geek?” Mandy looks all around me.

“Punch table.” I try to stay nonchalant under Colt’s continued gaze, but my palms are damp and my heart’s beating at the base of my throat like I’m the first in line at the newest, hottest roller-coaster in town.

“How was the game?” I ask. “You guys sure set up in here fast.”

“I had nothing to do with this. Petra had her minions in place the minute the final buzzer sounded,” Mandy says. “This gym was transformed in a half hour.”

“She’s good,” I agree nodding.

Amber walks up and to my mixture of delight and dismay, she tugs Mandy away leaving me alone with Colt. I’m starting to wonder what’s taking Jordan so long when Mandy’s date steps forward and catches my hand, lacing our fingers. The music starts pounding again, but it’s no match for my heart. Here we go.

“You look great,” he says in my ear. He smells like that spicy cologne, and his breath tickles my neck. My breathing ticks up.

“Thanks,” I try to laugh and pull my hand away casually, but he doesn’t let me.

“Let’s be bad,” he grins, green eyes sparkling.

My stomach flips. I have no idea what he means, but he pulls me toward a dark passage where the bleachers meet the cinder-block gym wall. I don’t resist.

“Stand guard,” he says, slipping into the dark passage and leaning down. I can’t see what he’s doing, but when he straightens up, I notice something’s concealed against his leg. “Walk beside me.”

I walk close to him toward the refreshments table. Everyone is watching the dance floor, and I’m scanning the crowd for Jordan.
What happened to him
? Just then he catches my eye. He’s out in the crowd dancing with Tina and looking extremely uncomfortable. I can tell he’s trying to get away, but she keeps laughing and holding his arms.

Colt snaps my attention back when he steps in front of me. “Cover me,” he says before leaning down and lightly kissing my lips. Everything stops.

I watch, stunned as he slides a plastic flask around the back of the crystal bowl and quickly pours the contents, a clear liquid, into the red punch. Our bodies conceal what he’s doing from the teachers, but when I glance behind us onto the dance floor, I catch Jordan’s eye. He sees me. Tina’s still got him, but he isn’t smiling. I feel a flash of guilt, but I don’t know why. I told him I don’t care about rules anymore.

In an instant, Colt grabs my arm and pulls us away from the table and back to the small, dark opening between the gym wall and the bleachers. He pulls me in and takes a hit off the plastic flask then hands it to me.

“Last shot. It’s yours.”

Without hesitating, I put it to my mouth and turn it up. It’s more than I expected, and a bit runs down my cheek. The burning liquid makes me cough, and Colt laughs and takes it from me, kissing the drip from my face. I turn to meet his mouth, but he’s gone, bending down to cram the now-empty plastic flask into a crack near the floor as I wipe the side of my cheek with my hand. He straightens up and holds my waist, watching. His whole body is tense as we wait, pressed together in the tight space, my back against the wall.

“Wait for it,” he says in my ear. I can see the entire room from where we’re hidden, but my attention is consumed by Colt pressed against me, his hard body, his spicy smell all around, the feel of his lips still on my cheek. I’m not used to drinking, and my head’s already starting to buzz.

“Here goes,” he chuckles, and I watch as a few students sip from their punch cups, jump and then drink again, grinning.

The word starts to spread through the crowd as one kid after another hustles to grab a cup before the faculty advisors realize what’s happened. I feel Colt laugh and he looks down into my face. That’s when he seems to realize what I’ve been acutely aware of for the last several minutes—our bodies pressed together.

“It’s awesome, yeah?” He says. “Adrenaline rush.”

“Yeah,” I breathe. “I guess.”

I’m not sure if he’s going to kiss me until he does. His mouth covers mine, and energy mixes with the alcohol flooding my body. Our tongues slide together, and I grip his shirt so I don’t collapse. The sight of him running on the track fills my mind, and my legs get wobbly. His knee presses forward, parting mine, and I don’t stop him. I don’t stop his hands sliding down to cup my bottom as he lifts me up, putting my back against the wall.

Every single bit of this is wrong, and there’s no way I’m stopping it. The good feeling is back. The sadness is pushed out again, and in its place is this rush, this rush of adrenaline like Colt said. He pulls back and smiles at me. His breath is hot at the base of my neck, and I’m on fire.

“We’re going to start dating now,” he says. “You’re my partner in crime.”

All I can do is nod. I’m still gripping his shirt, my lips still pulsing from his kiss. He slides me down, and I feel his fingers playing at my waist, slipping under my shirt to my skin. His touch is electric, and I want to kiss him again.

“We’ll finish our dates tonight, and I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Oh-okay,” I say.

He takes my hand again and leads me out of the dark passage. The music stops, and I hear a commotion from the refreshments area. The gym lights flicker on, and the faculty gathers around the punch bowl. Coach Taylor samples the red liquid and frowns. She immediately orders the bowl taken away and declares the luau over.

Cries and female protests erupt, and the teachers begin confiscating everyone’s cups. I scan the room looking for Jordan and finally see him heading in my direction. I’m afraid guilt is stamped all over my face, all over my too-red lips, but he doesn’t seem to notice.

“Sorry,” he says. “Tina wouldn’t let me go, and then I couldn’t find you.”

“It’s okay. I mean, you can dance with Tina.” I’m trying to absolve myself of what I’ve done. “We’re not dating, remember? Just friends?”

“Yeah, but we’re
on
a date,” he says, disappointment showing in his eyes.

“I think the luau’s over.”

“Somebody spiked the punch. Did you get any? I saw you at the bowl with the new guy.”

I shake my head, trying to look innocent, but Jordan leans closer and grins. “Liar. I can smell it on you.”

Just then I notice Coach Taylor pulling Trevor Martin from his spot in the bleachers. The school’s head delinquent has a calm look on his face as our cheer coach demands to know what he’s been doing. His eyes meet mine for a moment, and I watch as he shrugs at her. I hear the words “detention” and “possible expulsion,” and I feel a wave of guilt.

“Let’s get out of here.” Jordan breaks my attention, lacing our fingers. My feelings are fuzzy, but I know all of this is bad. Jordan has no idea I helped spike the punch, I made out with Colt, I’m letting Trevor Martin get blamed… But that’s what I want, right? I’m a rule-breaker now, and I don’t care anymore. I just have to get used to how it feels.

“Hey, we’re taking off.” I jump at the sound of Mandy’s voice. “You guys doing anything?”

Colt is smiling at me, his green eyes sparkling. I warm at the memory of where we were and how it felt to have him pushing me against the wall, kissing me. I swallow the tightness in my throat, knowing I’d do it again. I will do it again.

“I don’t know.” I turn away from my partner in crime.

“Are you feeling sick?” Jordan asks me.

“Hey, Jordan?” Mandy says. “It’s Jordan, right?”

His eyes narrow at her. “Why do you do that? You know it is.”

“Let’s all go catch a movie,” she continues, ignoring his tone. “There’s time.”

“Oh,” say quickly, “I don’t think—”

“Okay,” Jordan cuts me off. “We’ll meet you there.”

We file out past the cluster of teachers holding Trevor hostage, and I steal one last glance in his direction. He still has that passive look on his face, as if he’s resigned to always take the blame, even when he’s innocent.

And we’re gone.

* * *

In the dim light, I can see Jordan’s jaw clench. “I’m sorry I agreed to the movie without asking you,” he says. “Mandy just ticks me off.”