The Ugly One (14 page)

I whispered, “I don't wish to discuss it.”

Chasca put her hand on mine. She didn't probe further.

Watching my sister walk along the path winding away from our village later that day, I was reminded of the
yunka
stranger and how the clouds had hovered about him on this same trail. Now the sky was blue and clear. Inti shone down upon Chasca in approval. I felt the powerful pull of Sacred Sun City on my own being, but it was my sister, unscarred and loved by all, who had been chosen to go there. Her future was a beautiful butterfly unfolding its delicate wings for first flight. I turned away from the sight, not understanding why it was always my place to watch others go to Sacred Sun City while I was left behind.

18

T
HE
night Chasca left, the dreams began. They were strong dreams, powerful messages. I tossed and turned under the woolen blankets, and Mama told me the next day that I was muttering in my sleep, though she couldn't understand what I was saying. Once I flung my arm so forcefully I hit Sumac and woke us both. He squawked in disapproval, saying, “No. No. No! NO!” as he moved away from me. It was fortunate that Chasca was no longer there. She would have suffered lying next to me in such a state. Night after night the spirits spoke with me, and morning after morning I lay there frustrated, unable to recall their message. The Paqo had requested that I not visit him unless I had a proper reason. Lying under my blankets one night, I realized I was frightened to fall asleep. It wasn't that the dreams scared me, but failing the spirits yet again with my forgetfulness was unsettling. This was a reason, right and true, to see the Paqo. I would visit him the next morning. My decision calmed me, and I was able to close my eyes and sleep.

That night's dream was similar to the others. Perhaps you can guess where it began. I was inside the dark, cool walls of my
huaca
. As before, I felt excited that I would finally meet the spirit that dwelled within. Two jaguar cubs lay dead in a heap in the corner. Mother Jaguar sat next to them, licking their small bodies as if they were still alive. Large tears ran down her face and landed on her children. As her mama tears touched their black fur, the cubs shriveled and shrank. Mother Jaguar cocked her head to the side and watched as the babies changed into a single perfect little toadstool. She lifted her face suddenly and slit her yellow eyes at me. With a low growl, she snarled one word: “Go!”

I awoke with the sound of Mother Jaguar's voice echoing in my head and a feeling of urgency pounding within my heart. Yet, still, I could remember nothing of the actual dream now that I was awake. Rising, I collected Sumac and headed quietly out of the
wasi
to go and see my teacher.

 

The Paqo was thin. And weary. Sitting across from him, I experienced a new feeling: concern for my teacher. His eyes twinkled as he said, “New Voice, I'm not a dry tree branch, ready to crack in the breeze.”

I smiled and looked down. Of course my teacher would be fine. “It's good to see you, Paqo,” I said.

He nodded.

“I'm sorry to disturb you. I know you are very busy with the spirits.”

He rose and took a pot from the hearth. As he poured two cups of hot tea he said, “I required time alone with the spirits. That time has now passed. All will be fine. The rains will come.”

Such good news was completely unexpected. It was a rainbow arcing across a gurgling river. It was flying with Sumac high in the skies. “That's wonderful!” I exclaimed. “When? We must tell the people!”

Sitting down cross-legged in front of me once more, he handed me a cup of tea and took a sip from his own. “It isn't yet time, New Voice. Don't say a word of this to anyone.” And here he changed the subject. “The Sapa Inca and his entourage are traveling from the capital city to Sacred Sun City at Machu Picchu. I expect they will reach the roads nearby us sometime tonight or early tomorrow. The emperor intends to hold his Inti Raymi festival in Sacred Sun City this year.”

Inti Raymi was the most sacred of festivals. It occurred on the longest night, the night when Inti could choose to leave the people forever. There was much feasting during Inti Raymi. It was a time to pray to the Sun God to come back, and a time to rejoice that he did.

“Will you and I prepare for Inti Raymi here?” I asked, hoping that my teacher and I would be spending more time together now that he was finished fasting with the spirits alone.

The hearth fire hissed and popped in the silence that fell after my question, and the Paqo's face was filled with new lines that spoke of sadness. “I don't think so,” he said.

It was as I feared. My sister had left. Sumac was spending more and more time away from me every day. And now it seemed the time of studying with my teacher was through. All my moth ideas had burnt away to nothingness. I would always be the Ugly One, alone and scorned.

“Why are you here, New Voice?”

At the Paqo's words, I suddenly felt as I had the first time I entered his
wasi
and had sat, terrified to be in the presence of such a mighty shaman. The jaguar in the weaving glared at me, as unwelcoming now as it had been back then. Had I ever truly belonged here?

“I have had dreams,” I whispered.

“There are three paths to the spirits and Beyond. One such path is through your dreams.”

I had come to discuss my failure to recall my dreams, but as usual, my teacher had sent my thoughts in an entirely new direction. “You can reach Beyond through your dreams?”

“Of course.”

“Paqo,” I said, poised to ask a question I had pondered for some time now, “where is Beyond? Is it past the stars?”

I thought I detected a hint of a smile in my teacher's lips. “I wondered if you would ever ask this. Beyond is not a place. It is all places. It is all times. To visit Beyond is to be everywhere, every time, all at once. It is to be the wind, blowing here and there, a part of everything but invisible to all.”

“Have you visited Beyond?”

“I journey there often.”

“Will I?”

“Yes.”

This simple word gave me much hope. “When?”

“Only you can answer such a question.”

I sighed. Of course he wouldn't tell me. “You said dreams are one of three ways to reach Beyond. What are the other two?” I hoped that there might be an easier method. My teacher wasn't usually so flowing with his words. Perhaps he would share a trick with me before he stopped his answers and began his questions.

“Great shamans connect to Beyond through their power. They may use magical plants to help them, or journey unassisted.”

I wondered if I had gone to Beyond when I flew with the Handsome One in the sky world. Perhaps the third way was an easier path to Beyond. “And the last way to visit?”

Here my teacher paused. The hearth fire behind him spit and spat. Then he answered. “Death. In death we all become like the wind and reach Beyond.”

This didn't sound so simple a path to me. Perhaps my dreams were the best route to Beyond for now.

“Tell me of your dreams,” the Paqo said, and I knew he was done telling me of how to reach Beyond.

“There is nothing to tell. I can't remember them.” I could hear frustration pushing my voice higher. “I fail the spirits.”

The Paqo asked me a question that brought me again to my first visit to him, for it was one that he had posed that day. “Tell me, what do you remember of your past?”

“Little. Why do you ask me this question?” Here was a difference. Back when we first met, I never would have been bold enough to ask this of my teacher.

“Remembering your dreams, remembering your past, they are as one. The past is the key to the now.”

I was about to say that I didn't like my now. I was about to say that my past was gone from my memory, just like my dreams. I was about to say that my future appeared the worst of them all, dark and unhappy. But something in the way the jaguar in the weaving studied me through its slit yellow eyes tickled the inside of my head. I grasped at this faintest of feelings. “Jaguar eyes . . . ?”

My teacher remained silent, waiting for more to come.

“Jaguar eyes. There is a jaguar in my dreams. She shows me something.” I closed my own eyes and saw her clearly. She looked downward at an earthen floor. What was it she saw? “A toadstool!” The abrupt sound of my voice scattered any other dream memories I might have pulled from my mind, but I was pleased to finally recall this much. “She showed me a toadstool.”

The Paqo nodded his head. “Do you know the significance of the toadstool?”

To see a glowworm in one's dreams meant a loved one would fall ill. If certain birds appeared in dreams, this showed a quarrel would occur in the home. But I didn't know the meaning of the toadstool. I shook my head.

“A toadstool in a dream is an important message from the spirits, New Voice. They are telling you that someone special to you will be making a sacred journey soon.”

The Paqo had just said that the emperor was making a sacred journey to Sacred Sun City, but I had never met the emperor. No, my dreams weren't speaking to me about the leader of the Children of the Sun. I knew of whom my dreams spoke. It was my teacher. He would be leaving me very soon. Was he leaving because of the people's fears? Why couldn't he tell them of the coming rains so they would be happy for him to stay? Or was he leaving because of me, because I had failed him in some way?

We faced each other, and the sad lines of his face told me that he knew I understood and he was sorry that our time together had come to an end. Here he gave me my final lesson. “Continue to seek Beyond, New Voice. Remain open to all. True power can only be held in hands that are open. True wisdom dwells only within a heart that is open. The world speaks only to open eyes, open ears. You have been an excellent student. You are worthy, most worthy.”

We stood as one and embraced.

“Goodbye, New Voice.”

“Goodbye, Paqo.” I barely choked out my last word. “
Pachis
.”

***

That night I did something quite unexpected, I think because I was so sad. When Mama leaned in to kiss me, I didn't turn away. Slowly, as if I were a little rabbit that could be easily startled, she touched her lips to my smooth cheek in a soft Mama kiss. Tears hung in the corners of her eyes. Would she cry and never come near me again? But no, these were tears of joy. Wiping beneath her eyes, she leaned in and kissed me again, this time on my scarred cheek.

“Oh, Mama!” I whispered, and she hugged me to her tightly as we both cried and cried.

I had lost my sister. I had lost my teacher. Finally, on this night, I had gained something. I knew my beautiful Mama would kiss me every night. I felt ashamed, thinking of all the pain I had caused her by turning away time and again, and angry at myself for all the kisses I had missed. Mama had been so patient with me, trying every night. Such is the power of a mother's love. Truly, Mama rivaled Inti himself in her strength.

***

That night I dreamt more vividly yet. Mother Jaguar growled at me within the
huaca
. “You don't remember me!” she roared.

“They're all leaving me!” I screamed back at her.

Here she paused and licked her paw with one long, deliberate stroke of her thick, pink tongue. She pointed at the toadstool growing out of the earth. “It isn't meant for him,” she said.

“Then whose is it?” I asked.

As she and I watched, the fragile growth disappeared from the earth. I held my hands in front of me, and the toadstool lay in my palms like a delicate treasure.

“Yours,” she answered. “The sacred journey is yours.”

When I awoke, the dream was still there. I could smell the loamy scent of the toadstool on my skin, and Mother Jaguar's voice was strong in the air. The person who was special to me, the person who was to take the sacred journey, was
me
, not my teacher. The Paqo had never said that he was leaving. He had said goodbye knowing it was I who would go. I knew then what I was to do, what I
had
to do.

I rose and packed my things as quietly as possible so as not to awaken my parents. The journey wouldn't be much longer than our travels to Wiñay Wayna had been. I would need the same items. If I left immediately, I could join the emperor's entourage and be in Sacred Sun City well in time for the Inti Raymi festival. I would speak with the Sacred Rock and ask it to remove my scar so I could return home to train with the Paqo and become a shaman, right and true, a shaman whom all the people would accept with open arms and happy hearts. If the Sacred Rock made me whole again, I could have a beautiful future like my sister. It was worth the risk, for what lay ahead for me if I didn't go? Nothing but darkness. Deep inside, I must have known all along that I would be making this journey.

Extra blankets, dried food for myself and Sumac, and a bowl all went into my pack. I glanced at my parents. Father snored quietly. Mama was completely still, peaceful even in her sleep. If my journey was successful, I would return to them as Beautiful Round Face, free from my hideous scar forever. If the emperor allowed me to join his journey. If I was allowed into Sacred Sun City. If I was allowed to speak to the Sacred Rock. If it found me worthy and answered my one request. In my mind, I practiced the words I would say to the Sacred Rock if I was given the chance.
Will you take my scar away? Will you make me whole again?

Done packing, I knelt by my sleeping parents. I couldn't tell them. They would stop me. It was upsetting, imagining them awakening to find me gone. But the following sight, the one in which I returned home, beautiful and happy, made me smile. I kissed them both lightly on the cheek and whispered goodbye. Mama lay there so lovely. I hoped that somehow, in her dreams, she heard my words and understood.