The Ultimate Guide to Kink (39 page)

Those who practice CNC generally do not use safewords, and this causes a portion of the community to promptly condemn the practice. Many BDSM practitioners hold the opinion that a bottom should never give up the right to use a safeword under any circumstances. Yet an opposing segment of the leather/fetish community chooses not to use safewords for various reasons. Some are bottoms who feel they cannot go as far in a scene as they wish to if they have a safeword. Perhaps an even more motivating factor is fear of the unknown. Some get off on fear; not everyone gets off on knowing exactly what is going to happen to them.

To consent is “to give assent or approval.”
¹⁰
To be nonconsensual is to disagree with what is proposed by another. So, by logical sequence, CNC in SM would be an agreement to not necessarily be in agreement with the actions that are forthcoming. Some consensual slaves and other bottoms receive a great deal of satisfaction through unconditionally submitting to the will of another. It is through the process of giving total control to another that they achieve deep submission, leading to spiritual well-being. It takes great strength and overwhelming trust to place total control in the hands of a Sadist, Top or Dominant. This exchange of power should never be granted thoughtlessly. Immense self-discipline, sterling character, and responsibility are required of the Top not to abuse such power once it has been given. However, I do not believe that an individual who has consented to forgoing the use of a safeword has given up their human right to stop an unsafe scene.

As Sadists, we know bottoms are getting something from letting us hurt them. In the moment, those who subject themselves to Sadists are in real pain and would rather be someplace else. That does not mean they don’t later masturbate to the memory of the encounter. It could be that it is an act of service. In such cases, the individual will endure pain because they take pleasure in knowing they make the Sadist happy. It can also be an act of love, as is the case for my wife. There are times when I have sex with my wife when she is emotionally distraught and feeling “real” pain. As a consensual Sadist, it makes me happy to know that the encounter was good, at some point, for my wife. Yes, she was really hurting and hating me in the moment, which makes me come, but she is happy after it is over. I do not think anyone would consent to a Sadist if they got nothing from it.

Some feel that there are only sexual masochists in the BDSM community, but there are people who want to feel pain for the sake of feeling pain. They have a need to be beat to catharsis. They want to cry and purge by suffering in order to learn about themselves. I have done scenes with my wife simply for the sake of her suffering pain. She was not interested in feeling anything pleasurable in the moment. She wanted to feel catharsis. Can I get off sexually by this? Hell, yeah! However, in scenes like this, I am in a different role—more like a spiritual guide or facilitator for her journey.

When it comes to topping, you may hear additional descriptors attached to the word, such as “service Top” and “sensual Top.” One term that really demonstrates a gross misunderstanding of sadism is “sensual Sadist.” I mean, really? People use this term to explain that they are giving the bottom sensual sensations that the bottom likes to have done to them. There is nothing in it about pain, suffering, or dislike. This is not sadism.

So how far does a Sadist need to go to obtain sexual satisfaction? A Sadist only needs to go to the point where the bottom no longer enjoys what is taking place. This can happen in a matter of minutes or take as long as a few hours. I guess, by default, someone uses his safeword when he no longer enjoys what’s happening. But certainly one could be in an unhappy state
before
using the safeword. So, in any scene where I am being a Sadist and a bottom calls a safeword, I am happy. Also, if I end the scene, it is because I feel they have gone far enough and should not be pushed further; again, I am happy. Have I ever been unhappy because I did not think a partner functioned well? Never. On the other hand, I have been unhappy with what a few partners did with what they were given. My sexual satisfaction does not have to end with penetration or with me having an orgasm.

AFTERCARE/AFTERMATH

The aftermath of sadism must be taken into account when looking at healthy, consensual sadism. I say
aftermath
because of the way my wife looks just after I’ve had sex with her. There she lies, on the floor, covered in sweat, tears, blood, and snot, looking as if she just went to hell and back. So, yeah,
aftermath
is a good term, I think. What I will talk about is what goes through my head and heart after taking her into the abyss. The consensual Sadist needs as much, if not more, aftercare than the bottom. This is simply because we are doing things to people that they don’t like.

Certainly there can be scenes involving acts of consensual nonconsent which, if taken alone, can appear to be nonabu-sive. But what happens after the scene is just as important, if not more so. If I leave my wife in a pool of blood, sweat, and tears after a consensual rape scene and
never
tend to her afterward, this would be abusive. We must look out for the physical and emotional well-being of the bottom after the scene ends. If the bottom’s needs are realistic and within reason and they are not met, it is abusive.

Taking everything into account, there really is no good reason for us to distance ourselves from our roots. What the Marquis de Sade wrote about were primarily nonconsensual acts. These are not the roots that I am talking about. I am talking about pure, hot, sexually charged consensual sadism, where your partner agrees to feel pain because it gets you off.

The psychological effects that consensual Sadists have on the bottoms they play with can be devastating if there are misunderstandings. Suppose a bottom has done scenes only with tops who inflicted sensations that the bottom liked, and those tops called themselves Sadists. Then, if a consensual Sadist were to create unpleasant sensations for the bottom—because that is what a consensual Sadist does—the inexperienced and poorly educated bottom freaks out. This does not do the consensual Sadist any good either, having a bottom react poorly. Who knows where it could go from there.

People do recruit into the lifestyle. We bring in new people fresh out of their closets and make them feel comfortable with words like
play
and
toys
. Acronyms like SSC and RACK make newbies feel safe from harm, I guess. I take exception to the words
play
and
toys
. At one time what we did was called “working a boy over.” What we used were tools, not toys.

So here we have the preprogrammed recruit, the “SSC sadistic Top,” using “toys” in a “play” session at a public BDSM event. She happens to look over and see what I would call a real consensual Sadist, whose bottom does not look as if he is enjoying what is being done to him. The bottom is even saying, “No, stop!” Holy bat droppings, Batman!!! The SSC sadistic Top thinks, That must be nonconsensual and unsafe. Get a Dungeon Monitor quick—that scene must be stopped. Do you see how not giving the full picture of sadism can be harmful to our community? We must learn to communicate our needs better as Sadists, Dominants, or Tops. Bottoms, if a person says she is a Sadist, ask her what that means. It’s a necessary conversation, where people can express their personal definitions and desires and establish a clearer understanding. Then, if all goes well, you can get down to some hot sadistic sex.

Endnotes

1
Ovid (43 BC–AD 17),
The Art of Love
, quoted in
Sexual Life in Ancient Rome
, by Otto Kiefer (Taylor & Francis, 1956), 239.

2
Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing,
Psychopathia Sexualis
(Stuttgart, Germany: Verlag Von Ferdinand Enke, 1886), 109.

3
In addition, subsequent behavioral descriptors of sadism do not include behavior toward animals.

4
Marquis de Sade,
The 120 Days of Sodom and Other Writings
(New York: Grove Press, 1987), 642.

5
Marquis de Sade, 642.

6
Marquis de Sade,
Justine, The Complete Marquis de Sade, Volume 1
, John S. Yankowski, trans. (Los Angeles: Holloway House Publishing, 2005), 65.

7
Krafft-Ebing, 53.

8
This general definition of paraphilia is from
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary,
11th ed. Psychiatric definition: “The essential features of a Paraphilia are recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviors generally involving (1) nonhuman objects, (2) the suffering or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner, or (3) children or other nonconsenting persons that occur over a period of at least 6 months.”
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
(DSM-IV-TR), American Psychiatric Association (Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing, 2000), 573.

9
The language of the DSM-IV-TR reads: “The diagnosis is made if the behavior [see previous note], sexual urges, or fantasies cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” American Psychiatric Association, 573.

10
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary
, 11th ed.

CHAPTER 17

AGE ROLE PLAY

IGNACIO RIVERA, AKA PAPÍ COXXX

Has anyone ever told you not to do something and you thought to yourself, Why can’t I do it? Or, If I did it, would it hurt anybody? You find yourself thinking of ways to get your mind off the thing you’re not supposed to do, but you can’t. The restriction itself propels you to want to do it. It’s exciting, alluring. For some people, that’s what it feels like to do age role play, both sexual and nonsexual: it’s taboo. For others, it’s rooted in pure desire. It just gets you downright hot. Still others engage in age play to explore a specific dynamic with a partner or partners. Age play offers people the opportunity to explore a wonderful childhood memory or a time when their lives were simpler and without responsibility. They can sexualize a forbidden intergenerational relationship or indulge in a wide variety of Dominant/submissive power dynamics.

Fantasy role play is when two or more consenting adults engage in intentional erotic or power-dynamic-driven interactions. Age play is a specific form of fantasy role play where a partner embodies a person of a different age than their actual chronological age. Age-play characters run the gamut from diapered babies and little girls to rowdy teenagers and dirty old men. For some people, age play is a chance to return to a younger age and engage with other adults who are role-playing their peers: think Boy Scouts roughhousing together. Other folks want to be youths or children and interact with partners who take on an adult role: the troublemaking student in detention under the watchful eye of a stern teacher, or an infant who gets to be pampered and loved by a wonderful nanny; the “adult” in these scenarios almost always has some power over the “kid.” Some people enjoy playing persons older than themselves to take on a role of authority or embody a parental figure. Others employ age play to engage in scenarios where their partners play a relative (some call this “familial age play” or “incest play”): for example, a seven-year-old who loves to color with her dad or two adolescent brothers who explore their bodies together.

Age play can be quite taboo, not only in society at large, but also among kinky people. After all, adults are not
supposed
to act like children, and once an erotic interaction is introduced, things get even dicier. Some people automatically associate age play with pedophilia, child sexual abuse, and sex offenders. Before we go any further, I must be very clear. Age play is exactly what the name indicates—
play
. If you have a desire to do age play, it does not mean you condone coercion, violence, or abuse (sexual or nonsexual) directed at
actual
children by
actual
adults. Age play is fantasy between consenting adults.

Age play is edge play for me. It takes me to wonderfully enlightening places as well as deep, dark ones.

Whatever age I choose to play, a scene can have very different outcomes, but the main thread in age play for me is sex. It can involve an intricacy of domination, incest, rape, and sometimes torture. Age play is edge play for me. It takes me to wonderfully enlightening places as well as deep, dark ones. I allow myself to balance and sometimes fall off the edges—that’s what makes it hot for me. There are people who do nonsexual age play, but this chapter focuses on age play with an erotic component.

There are many ways to figure out what age play may look like for you. I’m a visual person, so creating lists helps me collect and organize my thoughts, clarify my vision for the scene, and figure out logistics. I like to think of it as working in your own laboratory. In the laboratory, you can create any concoction of age play you desire. Think of the choices as chemicals. Making a choice about what you want today does not mean you can’t switch, alter, reconfigure, or change your mind about the whole idea of what age play looks like to you. Don’t worry, you are entitled to change your formula. You are the evil scientist of your desires.

THE LABORATORY CHECKLIST

Role
Age
Gender
Sexual orientation
Power dynamic
Relationship and connection
Private or public
Frequency
Props, costumes, scene elements