Authors: Tristan Taormino

The Ultimate Guide to Kink (47 page)

BOOK: The Ultimate Guide to Kink

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FUCKING: BEFORE, DURING, AFTER

Before

Before any mindfuck you need to have communication. As a Top, you need to know what the bottom’s trip is and what makes their trip their trip. As a bottom, you need to think about the details. So you want to be kidnapped. Okay, but how? Grabbed and put in a van? Chloroformed? Spiked drink? The details make
all
the difference. The information should flow mostly one way, of course (see Rule One) but this communication is vital for the bottom too. Does this Top “get” you and your scene? Does she get your head space? You have to know before you show up.

And showing up takes some trust. Fuck, any good scene takes trust. In a mindfuck there needs to be some core of trust—but
just
enough. As I said before, there should be just enough trust for both parties to show up and start things off. More than that and it’s just going to get in the way. Now, sufficient communication will go a long way in building this trust, but different bottoms will need different levels of assurance. Of course the exception here is the faith-based mindfuck, which is all about trust, which builds on trust already in place.

The last thing you need to do before a mindfuck is have a plan. Spontaneous mindfucks are possible (just run into me at the bar and find out), but the better ones, the more elaborate ones, take some time, some thought, and often a lot of planning. The Top may need to gather specific resources; if nothing else, she should be planting suggestions about what may or may not happen in the bottom’s mind.

During

During the scene different parties have different things to do. Tops: Assume your character and stay in it. Be schizoid, too. That is, one part of your brain has to be all in psycho killer mode (or for a fantasy-based mindfuck, mad scientist mode); the other part of your brain needs to be sane, needs to monitor both the bottom
and
that other psycho part of the brain in play. Remember, you can’t stop and check in with a bottom in a mindfuck: “Are you okay? Am I raping you hard enough? Is this gun too scary? Should I put it away?” Ugh. Scene ruined. Being schizoid is the only way. Read the bottom
and
yourself at all times. That schizoid part also has to be thinking several steps ahead while being adaptable, all at the same time. In more than one scene I could tell the faggot’s level of fear was getting dangerously high, so I had to move things forward to the climax before it all got out of hand.

And bottoms, you have shit to do too. First off, you’ve got to be
readable
if your schizo Top is going to have any chance to keep things fun. That means being in the moment and communicating where you are in terms of fear or arousal. Yeah, okay, maybe you can’t make your dick hard or your pussy wet on command, but you can certainly control your moans, your begging, even the look in your eyes—an intoxicating mix of fear and trust.

After

After the scene it’s time for aftercare, as in any scene. Fear-based mindfucks tend to need the most aftercare. Step one: dissipate the danger. If you were using a gun, it’s time to put it away. If the fag Jew is still looking at a swastika, his brain is still pumping out adrenaline. Remove all danger to stop the flow of adrenaline, then wait for them to come down. Remember, we’re talking fight-or-flight here. It’s gonna take them some time to come down from it all. After that, it’s time to discuss what happened—what worked, what didn’t, what went through whose mind when. And, hey, it’s never a bad idea to check in a day or two later as well.

Now, if a mindfuck is done right you can have all of the danger with none of the actual risk; for example, fake gun equals lots of danger and no risk.

HANDLING DANGER

Now, if a mindfuck is done right you can have all of the danger with none of the actual risk; for example, fake gun equals lots of danger and no risk. But still, because mindfuck is such a powerful scene (because so much of it happens up in the head), there are some real and serious risks to keep in mind. The biggest risk of most mindfucks is that the bottom will freak out. Fortunately, I’ve never had a bottom do that on me—probably more out of luck than skill, though. Still, I’ve thought about what to do in such a situation. Here are my recommendations:

1. First, absolutely remove all dangers, real or fake.

2. Second, ask the bottom what he needs. Anything you say or do without asking this first is what the psycho killer would do. What do I mean? Well, you offer him a drink—he thinks,
That’s what the psycho killer would do.
You offer to hold her until she calms down—she thinks,
That’s what the psycho killer would do
. You suggest that it’s probably not a good idea to leave right now because they’re all jacked up on adrenaline—and they think what? Yep, you guessed it:
That’s what the psycho killer would do
. But asking the bottom what he needs is different, because psycho killers don’t do that.

3. Third, have the bottom call someone he or she knows and trusts. Again, the psycho killer would never do that (witnesses only create complications); it also reconnects the bottom to the real world. They may not feel sure of the real world at first. Ideally, they’ll be able to chat with their friend until the they’re calm enough for some real aftercare—getting that drink, being held, even leaving.

There is one other potential danger, but just for Tops. I don’t know how big this danger is, really. Based on my experience, if you do a lot of mindfuck and you do it well, people will fear you. Depending on your local community, this could mean fewer partners. The flip side, of course, is that your new reputation will do most of the work for you. Heck, some folks won’t ever believe I’m
not
mindfucking them. Kinda hot, kinda sucks.

FUCKING QUESTIONS

Lastly, there are some basic questions both bottoms and Tops will want to ask before any mindfuck. Two key questions come before all the others.

1.
When you are masturbating while thinking about this fantasy, at what point do you come?
The mindfuck need go no further than that point.

2.
How real would be too real?
Rape is a common fantasy and a good scene for a mindfuck. But how real can it be before it stops feeling like a scene and starts feeling like a real rape?

Here are some other questions you might ask, based on the kind of mindfuck you have in mind:

Fear-Based

What’s the fear? (Some more or less universal ones are death, severe nonerotic pain, abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, failure.)

How can it be simulated?

How can you set the stage?

What is the sub expecting? Play to it or off it?

Where do you want it to start? Where do you want it to end?

Fantasy-Based

What’s my fantasy? What specifics are key to me?

What about it turns me on?

What is behind this fantasy?

Faith-Based

What do you want to accomplish?

How far are you willing to go?

What might go wrong?

FUCK YOU

Normally, if I were teaching this as a class, this is the point where I would take questions. Can’t really do that in an essay, so I’ll leave you with this kicker: I’ve lied to you six times in this essay. Not about the important stuff, but about me. Which parts are the lies? Think you know? Want to find out? Easy. Give me one hour—just
one
hour—with you, alone in a room. Deal?

Endnotes

1
As a gay man, I am not allowed to marry, I am not allowed to donate blood, but I
am
allowed to call other gay men “faggot,” especially when they get off on verbal abuse, which is most of the men I play with.

RESOURCE GUIDE

Note: You can find a much more extensive version of this resource guide on the book’s website,
UltimateGuideToKink.com
.

BOOKS

Becoming a Slave,
by Jack Rinella (Chicago: Rinella Editorial Services, 2005).

The Compleat Slave: Creating and Living an Erotic Dominant /Submissive Lifestyle,
by Jack Rinella (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 1992).

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission,
by Gloria Brame and William Brame (New York: Villard, 1996).

Family Jewels: A Guide to Male Genital Play and Torment,
by Hardy Haberman (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2001).

Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics,
edited by Mark Thompson (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 2004).

Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and the Serious Player,
by Joseph Bean (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 1994).

The Marketplace
(3rd ed.), by Laura Antoniou (Cambridge, MA: Circlet Press, 2010).

The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance,
by Jack Rinella (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 1994).

Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual,
by Christina Abernathey (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 1996).

The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance,
by Mistress Lorelei (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2000).

The New Bottoming Book,
by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2001).

The New Topping Book,
by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2003).

Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships,
by Jack Rinella (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2003).

Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond,
by Lee Harrington (
Lulu.com
, 2010).

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism,
by Philip Miller and Molly Devon (Fairfield, CT: Mystic Rose Books, 1995).

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage,
by Midori (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2002).

Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Couples,
by Patrick Califia (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2002).

Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé,
by Lee Harrington (Brooklyn, NY: Mystic Productions Press, 2007).

The Slave
(3rd ed.), by Laura Antoniou (Cambridge, MA: Circlet Press, 2011).

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction,
by Jay Wiseman (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 1998).

The Toybag Guide to Age Play,
by Lee Harrington (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2008).

The Toybag Guide to Clips and Clamps,
by Jack Rinella (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2004).

The Toybag Guide to Foot and Shoe Worship,
by Midori (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2004).

The Toybag Guide to Playing with Taboo,
by Mollena Williams (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2004).

Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage,
by Two Knotty Boys (San Francisco: Green Candy Press, 2006).

Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century,
by Barbara Carrellas (Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts/Ten Speed Press, 2007).

When Someone You Love Is Kinky,
by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2000).

VIDEOS

Midori’s Expert Guide to Sensual Bondage,
directed by Tristan Taormino (Vivid-Ed, 2009).

Nina Hartley’s Guide Series. Nina Hartley hosts and Ernest Greene directs this DVD series covering domination, submission, bondage sex, spanking, and more (Adam and Eve, 2002–2008).

Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex,
directed by Tristan Taormino (Vivid-Ed, 2009).

The S/M Arts Collection: The Pain Game & Tie Me Up,
hosted by Cleo Dubois (Academy of S/M Arts, 2002).

The SM Tech Educational Series. DVDs with accompanying short books, covering topics like flogging, spanking, bondage, and CBT and featuring educators Lolita Wolf, Joseph Bean, and Scott Smith (Nazca Plains Corporation,
thenazcaplainscorp.com
).

NATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS

Carter-Johnson Library,
leatherlibrary.org

Leather Archives & Museum,
leatherarchives.org

Masters and slaves Together International (MAsT),
mast.net

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom,
ncsfreedom.org

National Leather Association-International,
nla-i.com

Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance,
woodhullalliance.org

REGIONAL ORGANIZATIONS

Note: Many of these organizations also hold annual events; see their websites for more information.

Adventures in Sexuality, Columbus, OH, adventuresinsexu-ality. org

Arizona Power Exchange, Phoenix, AZ, arizonapowerex-change. org

Black Rose, Washington, DC,
br.org