The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (27 page)

in trying a pump out, be sure to start with an inexpensive one. They may not work as well as the higher-end pumps, but they should give you an idea of whether you like the feeling and the effect of the pump on your body. Several conditions may make pump use ill advised: any kind of peripheral vascular disease, blood clotting disorders, or diabetes. You should also not use a pump if you are taking blood thinning medication. If you have any concerns about using a pump we suggest you talk to a professional whom you trust and know won't be freaked out by sex questions.

Several medical devices are penis pumps with a series of cock rings. These devices have been clinically tested and are of better quality than the pumps and rings available in sex stores. The combination creates and then maintains an erection. They tend to cost several hundred dollars and in many countries require a prescription from a doctor.

Lubricants

Lube is the great unsung sex toy. Lubricants make everything feel nicer. Whether you're playing with yourself or with a partner, using toys or using body parts, lube makes everything more slippery. Lack of lubrication can make penetration or even genital touching painful. Natural lubrication can be reduced because of medications, hormonal changes, or decreased interest in sex. The first distinction in lubricants is whether they are water-based, oil-based, or silicone-based. Most lubricants that you can buy in sex stores or drugstores are water-based. These lubricants contain no oils that will harm latex, and are also easily flushed out of the body. Oil-based lubricants (which are rarer these days) will damage condoms and will also damage your rubber toys over time. Also, some people suggest that oil-based products are less likely to fully flush out of your body and can increase your chances of getting a bacterial infection. Silicone-based lubricants feel a lot like oil (they don't dry up) but are safe for use with condoms. However, the people who worry about oil-based lubes say the same concern goes for silicone-based lubes. To get oil or silicone lubes completely off your body, you need to use soap and water.

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One other caution with silicone-based lubricants is to never use them with silicone toys as they will destroy them even with only a little bit of contact. You may see the term water-soluble used to describe a lube. This just means it will break down in water, and won't stain your sheets. It doesn't mean it contains no oils, and so there is a chance it will damage condoms and rubber toys.

The Feel of Lubricant

The consistency of lubricant varies from almost like water to thick as Jell-O. One is not necessarily better than the other, they are just different. You may want to consider what kind of lube would be easiest for you to use. If it takes you some time to get your hand from the bottle of lube to where you want the lube to be, a really slippery lube that slides right off your hand will be no good; a thicker lube might be easier. By contrast, thin lube will slide down your body quite well. If you are in an upright position you can pour the lube down your body (having it end up where you want it). Most people find thicker lube easier for anal play.

How Long the Lubricant Lasts

The water in water-based lubricants evaporates as they are applied and used, leaving a slightly tacky feeling and no lubrication. When this happens you don't need to apply more lube, you can just add some water (or saliva) to reinvigorate the lubricant. One exception to this is Liquid Silk, a British product that boasts a "nontacky" formulation. When Liquid Silk dries up it feels more like a moisturizer. One drawback to this lube is that it has a distinctly bitter taste.

There hasn't been much in the way of proper testing to see which lubricant lasts longer. Every company says theirs lasts the longest and you can read two magazines that did tests and find two different answers. Currently the longest-lasting lubricants that are safe for use with condoms seem to be the silicone-based products. Because they contain no water they don't dry up like water-based lubes. The best

thing is to try out different kinds of lubricants to see which work best for you.

What Is in the Lubricants?

One final distinction between lubricants is their ingredients. It's very important to know what is in anything you use on or in your body While most of us know this for food, clothing, and medication, we tend to forget it when it comes to sex toys.

Finding accurate information about the possible side effects of ingredients in lubricants is difficult. While there is little research, the three main concerns in terms of ingredients seem to be glycerin,methyl or propyl paraben, and nonoxynol-9.

Glycerin is a sweet-tasting fat byproduct that makes lube slippery. Many sex educators have suggested that people prone to yeast infections should avoid lubricants with glycerin. Slippery Stuff and Liquid Silk are two lubricants that contain no glycerin.

Almost all lubricants use methyl or propyl paraben as a preservative. Some people have allergic reactions to this ingredient. If you do, or suspect you might, it would be best to avoid lubricants that use it.

Thankfully fewer and fewer companies are putting the spermicide nonoxynol-9 in lubicants and lubricated condoms. This is a very harsh detergent and many people react to it. We strongly recommend avoiding lubricants with this ingredient.

Unfortunately, very few big manufacturers make lubricants with natural preservatives. The oldest and most popular one is called Probe, which uses grapefruit seed extract instead of methyl paraben. The manufacturer has an 800 number that you can call to find out where to purchase Probe near you. See the Sexuality: Products section of chapter 14.

For some people the taste of the lube is an issue. Some lubricants have a slightly sweet taste, some have a bitter taste, a few have no taste at all. Many companies also make flavored lubricants (cherry, strawberry, and others). Unfortunately, many of these seem to contain NutraSweet as a sugar substitute. Some people are concerned that NutraSweet may have negative health effects, and if you are one of

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them you may want to stay away from these. There is no solid scientific evidence that small amounts of this additive are harmful. Many lubricants are available in little trial-size packets for $1. Bottles of lubricant range in price depending on how much is in the bottle. Generally prices range from $8 to $30.

Sensation Toys

Toys designed to stimulate the five senses are called sensation toys. Many of these would be considered to be S/M toys but can be used in other ways (see chapter 11 for a more detailed discussion of this). The feather duster described earlier in the chapter would be a sensation toy. Ice cubes could also fit into this category.

/ am heavily into S/M. I have been able to purchase ankle and arm restraints made out of leather. Steel handcuffs or other restraints could really hurt me due to my uncontrollable spasms.

Sensation toys can be divided into toys for bondage, toys for flagellation or percussion, and clamps.

The most common toys for bondage are restraints. Restraints can be used to restrain a person (or some body part) during sex play. They come in a variety of materials, colors, and styles. The best kind is of a material that won't dig into the body (soft leather, fabric, soft rubber). It is also important to consider the way the restraint goes on and comes off, to make sure you can get out of them easily and quickly if necessary. Of course you can use all sorts of things to restrain someone (stockings, nightgown belt, silk tie). It is important to make sure that when you restrain someone the object you use isn't going to be cutting off their circulation or otherwise cutting into their skin.

People also use toys like collars and blindfolds as a form of bondage. By completely removing one sense (in this case sight) blindfolds impose a form of bondage on the individual. Many people find this sensory deprivation can heighten awareness of other senses. Collars can also be used to restrain someone or can simply symbolize in the moment that

one person is being dominated, led around either literally or figuratively, by their partner. Collars should not be tight and should never be pulled from behind.

The other major category of toys are ones used for flagellation and percussion (defined as some kind of "hitting"). These include paddles, whips, floggers, canes, and feathers, each creating a unique sensation— from soft and enveloping, to harsh and stinging, to ticklish. Some people may scream with delight and squirm in ecstasy from the touch of a feather, while others wouldn't notice a tickle from a dozen feathers, and want stronger stimulation.

Another popular sensation toy is nipple clamps. These come in a variety of styles, each designed to stay on the nipple, creating an experience of pain and heightened awareness. Each kind has some sort of surface that goes on either side of the nipple and then a mechanism for adjusting the tension. Some styles are easier to manipulate than others, and some are more adjustable than others. With clamps there is an initial sensation when they are applied. This may be large or small depending on the tension of the clamp. Once the clamps have been on for a while the feeling usually subsides. It is when the clamps are removed that the most intense rush of sensation comes as blood rushes back to the nipple, and removing the clamps quickly or slowly will change the kind of sensation you feel. Don't fall asleep with nipple clamps on, as prolonged use can interfere with the blood supply to the nipples.

Massage Oils, Creams, Lotions

Oils, creams, and lotions can be used as part of sex play. Plain massage oils tend to be scented but not flavored and are made for full body massage and external use only. Brands that are made for professional masseurs tend to be of higher quality and are better for people with sensitive skin or environmental sensitivities. As a general rule, the cheesier the packaging the more crap will be in the product (look at the ingredient list, though, as this rule doesn't always work).

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Warming oils contain glycerin and feel like they get hotter when massaged in or blown on. They create the sensation of heat without making your skin temperature go up. These products are usually edible and flavored and are not made for full body massage but rather for playing around on small parts of the body. Most edible products are like fast food: You should be sure to check the ingredient list before covering yourself or a loved one with these products!

Other products promise to "do" things: create arousal, make nipples tingle, tighten a vagina, or make a penis hard for hours. In general we recommend staying away from all these products. Most of them have never been approved for use as a cosmetic or for consumption as food. Arousal creams don't do what they say they will and may cause skin rashes or urinary tract infections.

The products that offer delayed ejaculation for men are similarly problematic. All these products (Sta-hard, Stud 100, Maintain, China Brush, and many more) merely use a local anesthetic to diminish sensation. By interfering with arousal, they delay ejaculation. The problems with this are obvious. Not only do they diminish pleasure, they also send the message that an erection is the only way for men to give and receive pleasure. We know and you know this isn't true. These creams remove men from their body responses. Good sex and feeling sexual have to come from within, from feeling pleasure. Desensitizing creams and sprays tell us, "Don't worry about your body, just perform."

Products that are called Spanish Fly or offer some sort of promise of arousal can be harmful. Most such products contain a natural or chemical bladder irritant. When someone takes the pill or liquid they may notice that they feel different "down there." What the manufacturer calls arousal is actually bladder irritation that may make the bladder more susceptible to infection. These products should be avoided completely.

Books

We've already said that the brain is the most important sexual organ, so it makes sense that we think books can serve as sex toys.

TIPS ON CHOOSING AN EROTIC BOOK

• Do you think you'd prefer short stories, or a novel? The benefit of an anthology of short stories is that if you hate one story you usually have another twenty to go.

• Think about the kind of sex you want to read about. Many anthologies are based on a theme (lesbian, gay, S/M, African American, and so on).

• How raunchy do you want to get? Do you want soft romance books that only hint at the action, or books that are wall-to-wall, headboard-pounding sex?

• Since most libraries don't carry good erotica, consider getting a few people together who can each buy a book and then you can swap.

• If you've never read any sex books, we suggest you start with an anthology that covers a lot of ground (different people, multiple kinds of sex, various settings). That way you can get an idea of what you might like and you aren't limiting your options.

Sexually explicit material (called erotica or pornography) has a number of uses. It can be entertaining and arousing. It can help us expand our fantasy abilities. Many people have not developed their fantasy lives, particularly those who lacked good access to sexual health education and sex material while growing up. Reading erotica can be an excellent way to expand your sexual fantasy repertoire and make up for some of those early losses. It provides us with scenarios, language, and imagery that we can take and make our own.

Erotic material has never been easier to access. Whether online, in mainstream bookstores, or in magazines, erotica has become a huge industry and is far more accepted and acceptable than in the past. However, it is hard to find ourselves, as disabled people, in these materials. The exceptions tend to show people with disabilities as sexual victims.

Getting up the nerve to buy erotic material can be hard. It may be easier to go into a more mainstream bookstore than a sex store (they are also more likely to be accessible), but then going up to the cashier with erotica may feel

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