The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (28 page)

embarrassing. Sex stores may also know more about the titles they carry. Remember that salespeople don't tend to look at what people are buying anyway, and are very unlikely to comment on your purchase, unless it is a book they have read and enjoyed. The best thing to do is rehearse the whole thing in your mind first. Imagine picking out the book, going to the check-out looking cool, handing over your books (you don't have to buy a bunch of books you don't want to cover up the sole erotic one), paying, and leaving with a big smile on your face.

Videos

In the same way that books can fuel a fantasy life, video porn can also add to your sex life, whether by yourself or with a partner. We refer to this material as video porn as opposed to visual pornography because porn on video (while primarily visual) also has an audio track, and people who can't see the visuals on screen may still want to rent or buy porn on video. Many people find pornography problematic from a political point of view or moral standpoint. It is often sexist, sometimes racist, and always disability-phobic. The few films that feature people with visible disabilities use nondisabled actors, and the character is always a woman who uses a wheelchair and who is pathetic and horny. They never show her having sex in her wheelchair, but instead it always happens in a dream sequence where, of course, she can walk. Beyond this, the majority of porn is uninspired, lacking imagination, and made for the least amount of money possible. So why are we even writing about it? For many people, despite all this, video porn is still a big turn-on. We want to suggest that even bad porn can be good for some things. Porn is something a lot of us are embarrassed to talk about, but it's a billion-dollar-a-year industry—and many people do rent adult movies. Also, you will find exceptions to the norm: films that are well made, feature good actors, depict believable situations, and show hot sex. And often even in a bad film there will be one scene, one performer, maybe even one fantasy that gets us hot. You need to know how to take what you want from it without expecting too much, employing your sense of humor regularly.

When I suggest that we rent some porn, she acts like I'm some kind of a pervert. Once she went along with it and then she made really stupid comments the whole time, about how unrealistic it was and how ugly the sheets on the bed were. But if I watch it alone I feel like a perv.

Most porn I've seen is terrible! It always seems unbelievable and sometimes makes me embarrassed. But I admit that it still turns me on. Once I suggested to a girlfriend that we watch a movie and I was totally surprised that she had seen lots of porn and was much more comfortable than I was with it.

If you're in a relationship and only one of you likes to watch porn, this can sometimes lead to tension. What seems important is that you find a balance of not putting down each other's sexual desires yet still respecting each other's needs. Your liking to watch porn doesn't make you a bad person, nor are you a prude if you have no interest in porn at all. If you want to try it, ideally you can come up with some rules that will get both of you what you need. It may be that the porn-watching one of you agrees to only watch when your partner isn't there. Of course you can try different kinds of porn and see if there's one you both like.

When choosing a video you should consider what sort of sex you want to see. Films are generally divided into heterosexual (which always include at least one scene between two women, but never a scene between two guys), gay, lesbian, bisexual, and "other." It is a commonly held belief that people only watch porn that fits with their identity ("I'm lesbian so the only porn I would like is lesbian porn"), but in fact one of the interesting things about reading or watch pornography is that it allows us to enjoy watching or imagining something that we don't want to do, or to explore other aspects of our desire safely, without involving anyone else. Lots of straight and queer women rent (and love) gay male porn, for example. You should consider the level of sexual explicitness you want. Everything is available, from films that show no penetration at all to very graphic, raunchy porn that is mostly close-up shots of genitals. If you haven't watched any visual pornography before and you are unsure

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about your comfort level, you may want to start with less explicit and see how you feel.

Another consideration is plot or no plot. Several directors (most notably people like Andrew Blake and Cameron Grant) use almost no plot at all; rather, their films are just a series of sex scenes put to music with little or no dialogue. Other directors (such as Paul Thomas and Candida Royalle) rely heavily on dialogue and plot. These directors focus more on the interaction between characters, and their characters actually have conversations before they start having sex.

You may also want to consider production values. Most porn is made very cheaply, and it shows. But several companies are producing high-end productions with proper lighting, sound, costumes, and sets.

We recommend you rent porn rather than buy it. Videos are usually expensive, and if you don't know what you like you will probably end up with a few duds before hitting the jackpot, and those duds can cost you.

Adapting Toys

Toys are imperfect, and the best approach to take is that you can make them your own, sometimes by the things you do with them, sometimes by the things you do to them. It's impossible to address every issue people will have about using toys, but below are some guidelines that will get you brainstorming. We'll break this section down by issue rather than by type of toy. The obstacles often overlap. If you have a hard time holding a toy because of a mobility impairment, fatigue may also play a role. Shopping for sex toys when you have a disability usually means having to educate the person helping you in the store (or online). A few years back we did a survey of some of the bigger online retailers to check out their politics and knowledge around disability. We found most stores are very happy to help, enjoy the learning experience, and don't give off a lot of attitude. Before you begin it helps to know what you want to do with your sex toy and any potential obstacles to using it.

Mobility and Motor Control

Having reduced mobility or less motor control of your hands or arms doesn't mean you can't play with sex toys. To start, consider any needs you have in terms of holding sex toys. What do you want to do with the toy? What movement do you have that you can use to manipulate a toy? Where would you want the toy to touch, and can you reach there? If you are thinking about using a vibrator, can you also press it against your body in addition to holding it? If you're interested in a dildo, can you manipulate a toy for penetration? Remember, even if the answer is no to many of these questions, solutions can always be found. Here are a few basic ones.

Some vibrators can be worn on the body so that you don't need to hold them in place—they either go around the waist and sit in front of the clitoris, or they go around the penis and stimulate the penis and scrotum.

There is also a new line of "remote control" sex toys that can be placed near the part of your body that you want to play with and then turned on from a remote switch. These are expensive, but they are very adaptable sex toys. While you may need to get help getting the toys on, and turning them on, many of them will stay on your body, so that you can still play alone if you want. Pillows are also helpful for positioning to play with a toy.

If you can hold a toy and press it against your body but you tend to drop things as a result of spasms, try a vibrator that you can fit on your hand (there's even one so small it fits just on the finger). This type will save you from having to keep getting someone else to pick up that damn vibrator buzzing away on the floor. One company in particular, called Finger Fitting Products, has made a vibrator called the Fukuoku (pronounced foo-koo-o-koo). This is a lightweight but surprisingly powerful vibrator that fits on a finger. This is particularly useful if you drop things a lot, as you don't have to keep picking it up. This company has also developed a waterproof vibrating glove that works much the same way and offers the same lightweight vibration.

For some people reach will be an issue. They can try toys that are lightweight but have long flexible shafts that help with reaching areas.

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Other folks may also be able to incorporate whatever assistive devices they use for reaching, with a sex toy.

With dildos, using harnesses greatly reduces the amount of movement required. Many people use a harness to affix a dildo to a bed or chair and can then play with the dildo without having to hold it. This takes some practice to get the dildo into a spot you can access comfortably. You can also buy dildos that have suction cups on the base. Usually these are not strong enough to hold the dildo to a wall, but they will keep it grounded on the floor (or a chair) and keep it erect. Another trick with dildos is to buy a much longer dildo than you need. First this helps with grip. Some toys for penetration are so small that once you've got a good grip on the toy you're left with only a few inches to play with. If you need to get a really firm grasp on a toy, it's better to buy something much longer than you would actually use. Another benefit of longer toys is that you can hold a long dildo between your knees to play with a partner.

Handles and switches on sex toys are terrible, and you may need to get a handle built up, or a switch adapted. Finding a friendly occupational therapist is a good place to start. They may be put off by your request, but they may also appreciate the challenge. Going in with a good idea of what you need may help the occupational therapist get over their possible embarrassment. Of course, they may have a huge sex toy collection at home and might be thrilled that they are finally getting to work with something other than cones! If you don't have a place where you use services regularly, we suggest starting with your local center for independent living. Ask them about local adaptive technology programs. If you're still stuck you can approach the sex toy stores listed in the Sexuality: Products section of chapter 14, as some of them may be willing to ask around for you.

Fatigue

I'm looking into "tired top toys"... and have had to experiment with different positions and techniques to minimize the pain and injuries. As a top I can use lighter weight items (tired top toys)...like

a lightweight flogger instead of a heavy whip. I can alternate arms, so my shoulders don't get too tired.

Low energy and getting tired out can be as great an obstacle as mobility limitations for many people. Timing sex play for times of greater energy or around medications can be a good idea. When thinking about toys, fatigue becomes an issue mostly in the weight of a toy, and the way you might have to hold it. Get something that you can easily put down if you need a break. You can always find lightweight versions of vibrators, dildos, and other toys.

If you are looking for strong vibration but know you won't be able to hold a heavy electric vibrator long enough, you can use some pillows to hold a wand vibrator against you, or to prop yourself into a position that allows you to lean into a vibrator. You may need some help setting this up, but if you have controls that allow you to turn the toy on and off, you can play in private. You can also have a wand type vibrator placed between your legs if you are sitting up. Because the vibrator stimulates a large area, even if it isn't resting exactly where you're most sensitive, the vibration is often more than enough for a good time. These vibrators are great for lying beside or placing between you and a partner. One safety concern is that if the motor is completely covered (by, say, a pillow), the vibrator could overheat and burn either the bedding or you. You need to make sure you won't roll over onto the toy, or if you will that you have someone around who can help.

If you're considering a vibrator or anything else with a motor in it, be aware that if you accidentally fall asleep with a vibrator on you or in you, it can pose a serious burn risk.

Decreased Sensation

A great advantage of sex toys is that they can help you explore sensations on all parts of your body. Don't assume that if one part of your body feels a certain way, everywhere else in that general area will feel the same way. The body is full of erogenous zones, and when sensation is lost in one area, you can (and most people do) shift your erotic focus to other

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parts. There is variation in how sensation is experienced, but having reduced sensitivity need not mean reduced sexual response. In areas of reduced sensation, toys that produce a light touch won't be very useful, while a vibrator can provide needed strength and stimulation. Many people explore sensation toys like paddles, whips, and floggers, which provide a more substantial sensation. Stay aware of the area you are stimulating—for with decreased sensation it is easier to injure yourself with excessive pressure or rubbing without feeling it.

Increased Sensation

People with hypersensitivity find vibrators to be very unpleasant. They simply provide too much stimulation. Remember that sex toys are just toys, and are a matter of taste and preference. With hypersensitivity it is best to get a toy whose movements you control. For example the nonvibrating insertion toys for men can provide intense stimulation merely from having them around the penis. Women can use other toys, usually called clitoral stimulators, that are textured pieces of rubber made to be rubbed up against and provide a much milder clitoral stimulation. Homemade toys can be tailored to provide precisely the amount of stimulation you need. Paintbrushes are ideal sex toys as they come in different shapes, sizes, and textures; are easy to use; can be held in a hand, mouth, or foot; are inexpensive; and are easy to clean.

Privacy

Another consideration in adapting toys is the kind of privacy you have when using a toy. This will depend in part on whether you are using a toy with a partner or by yourself, and if you are using a toy with a partner what they can do with it.