The Undead That Saved Christmas Vol. 2 (29 page)

And their end was rather grim

On that cold and horrible day

The zombie plague did spread

Rudy, with blood upon his lips

Started the zombie apocalypse

Now we will need a marksman

To shoot Rudy in the head

Then, Rudy, the un-live zombie

Finally will be re-dead

The Sambling Song

“The Wassilling Song” is another traditional madrigal-type carol. Like the original, our version is easy to sing along with once you hear the tune.

Here they come a-shambling
With gnashing teeth so mean
Pure zomnambulation
As far as can be seen.
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
We are not simple crosshairs
That beg you lend a hand
But we are strong survivors
Who’ve come to join your band
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
Good leader of this stronghold fine
Your help we do require
So please instruct your sentries
To kindly hold their fire
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
We have managed through our efforts here
To clear the zoms away
And promise you that none of us
Has got the ZTA
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
So open up your stronghold door
And please do let us in
If we may add our force to yours
Against the zoms we’ll win

Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
We thank you for admitting us

To earn your trust we’ll strive
With guns and shovels in our hands
We’ll battle the un-live
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold

The ZTA is Coming to Town

Forget about Santa! Watch out for zombies!

Well, start watching the news

And keep a sharp eye

Start seeing the clues

I’m telling you why

The ZTA is coming to town

Start making your plans

Preparing is key

Know when to stay put

and when you should flee

The ZTA is coming to town

When zombies come a’creeping

They’ll hear your every sound

So you’d better learn to keep it quiet

Or you surely will be found

Well, start watching the news

And keep a sharp eye

Start seeing the clues

I’m telling you why

The ZTA is coming to town

Get your SUV prepped

Add a heavy snow plow

Chain link over the glass

Start doing it now

The ZTA is coming to town

Get a trusty side arm

And a rifle with scope

A machete or sword

And your shovel we hope

The ZTA is coming to town

Now once you pick your stronghold

Choose companions carefully

You don’t want many crosshairs there

‘Cause they’re not good company

So, start watching the news

And keep a sharp eye

Start seeing the clues

I’m telling you why

The ZTA is coming to town

The Twelve Days Surviving

“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a fun song to sing. If only it weren’t so bloody long…

On the first day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
A copy of the DIY Guide
On the second day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the third day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the fourth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the fifth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the sixth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the seventh day surviving, my
Companions gave to me

Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the eighth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me

Eight sniper scopes

Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the ninth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Nine long range rifles

Eight sniper scopes

Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the tenth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Ten cases ammo
Nine long range rifles

Eight sniper scopes

Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the eleventh day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Eleven Molotov cocktails
Ten cases ammo
Nine long range rifles

Eight sniper scopes

Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the twelfth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Twelve drums of fuel
Eleven Molotov cocktails
Ten cases ammo
Nine long range rifles
Eight sniper scopes
Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide

Zombie Brains

Like its inspiration, “Jingle Bells” this song is a lot of fun. It’s peppy, up-beat and great for group singing.

My rifle’s cleaned and oiled

The barrel’s shining bright

I see a zombie horde

Thru my telescopic sight

I shoot ’em thru the eye

With steel jacketed lead

I’ll shoot until my mag runs dry

Or the zoms are all re-dead

Oh, zombie brains, zombie brains

Mixing with the snow

Shooting zoms is easy

Just because they move so slow

Zombie brains, zombie brains

Mixing with the snow

Shooting zoms is easy

Just because they move so slow

I thought I’d set a trap

In a quarry deep and wide

Playin’ music, rock and rap

So the zoms wander inside

The walls lined with C4

And drums of gasoline

The plunger evens up the score

Ka-boom! I’ll clear the scene

Oh, zombie brains, zombie brains

Mixing with the snow

Shooting zoms is easy

Just because they move so slow

Zombie brains, zombie brains

Mixing with the snow

Shooting zoms is easy

Just because they move so slow

Now just a few are left

I shoot them one-by-one

Who ever would’ve thought

Re-killing zombies was fun

They shamble to-and-fro

Don’t even try to hide

And since they have nowhere to go

Bang, bang, they’ve all re-died

Oh, zombie brains, zombie brains

Mixing with the snow

Shooting zoms is easy

Just because they move so slow

Zombie brains, zombie brains

Mixing with the snow

Shooting zoms is easy

Just because they move so slow

Oh, zombie brains, zombie brains

Mixing with the snow

Shooting zoms is easy

Just because they move so slow

Zombie brains, zombie brains

Mixing with the snow

Shooting zoms is easy

Just because they move so slow, yeah

Zombies Go Away

No one is spared from our satire. In this tune, Alvin and the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t be Late” gets the zombie treatment. In this version the Chipmunks are replaced by the authors and illustrator of the “
Do-it-yourself Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
” (John, Bud, and Mark)

(Dave:) Alright DIY creators, ready to sing your song?

(John:) We sure are

(Mark:) Yeah, let’s sing it now!

(Dave:) Okay, Bud?

(Bud:) Okay

(Dave:) Okay, Mark?

(Mark:) Okay

(Dave:) Okay John?... John?... JOHN!!!

(John:) OKAY!!

(Creators:)

Zombies, zombies, at our door

They’re not people anymore

All alone we cannot win

Zombies, zombies, don’t come in

Want a gun to shoot each head

(John:) I just want them all re-dead

(Creators:)

We don’t want the ZTA

Please, zombies, go away

(Dave:) Okay fellas, you ready?

That was very good, Bud.

(Bud:) Of course it was!

(Dave:) Very good Mark

(Mark:) He He He He

(Dave:) Uh John, You were a little flat

So, watch it. John… John?... JOHN!!!

(John:) OKAY!!

(Creators:)

Want a gun to shoot each head

(John:) I still want them all re-dead

(Creators:)

We don’t want the ZTA

Please, zombies, go away

We don’t want the ZTA

Please, zombies, go away

Zombie Hordes

In our version of
Silver Bells
, the presence of zombies adds a whole new dimension to Christmas shopping.

Bloody sidewalks panicked crosswalks
Zombies crowding the scene
In the air
There's a feeling
of chaos
People gasping
Zombies gnashing
Biting limb after limb
And on ev'ry street corner you'll see
Zombie hordes, zombie hordes
They’re running loose in the city
Victims’ die, hear them cry
Soon they will be zombified
See the dead stares
In my crosshairs
As the zoms mill around

And I’m joined in
The fight by companions

Make ev’ry shot matter
Watch the brains splatter
While the zombies re-die
From above the commotion we'll see

Zombie hordes, zombie hordes
They’re running loose in the city
Victims’ die, hear them cry
Soon they will be zombified