The Unquiet Heart (4 page)

The newscaster was talking about the meeting of the new United Nations, and what a great step it was towards world peace. I hoped so. We said the same in 1918. Then he switched to reports about
the latest overcrowded boat sailing towards Palestine, with a thousand ragged Jews wailing their way to their promised land. I couldn’t see why we were standing in their way, after what
they’d been through. More stuff about new ration schemes; never enough of anything. Was this what we’d fought for? And was this why we voted old Winston out?

I switched over to the Light Programme, and as I dressed, I joined in the chorus with the Andrews Sisters:
“He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of company B…”
and crooned
with Frankie,
“I’ll never smile again, till I smile with you…”

Then the toast was burning and I was cursing and scraping it into the sink. I coated both slices in thick marge and blackcurrant jam but the taste of carbon still came through. Tea helped, and
the second fag of the day had me whistling again. The milk was getting a bit whiffy but good enough for the stray moggy that had adopted me. I filled a saucer and left it on the landing. She must
have been waiting; she pounced like I’d tossed her a fresh salmon. I left her lapping and guzzling, and plunged down the steps two at a time. For now I was late.

But it was my lucky morning; the big double-decker was grinding away from my stop as I belted across the road and leaped on the platform. A smooth change at Piccadilly Circus, a number 12 up
Marylebone High Street and I was walking through Prof Haggarty’s door just as the clock on his receptionist’s mantelpiece struck the hour.

“How’s that for timing?” I called to Miss V Allardice sitting stiffly behind her newly polished desk with its wooden wedge displaying her initial and surname. She pursed her
lips, and kept typing, pretending not to have noticed me. Levity was frowned on within these serious walls. I suppose she was needed as a counterpoint to Haggarty.

She hit the return, the carriage slid across with an efficient ping and she deigned to look up. She unzipped her lips. “Good morning, sir. It’s Mister McRae, isn’t it? The
Professor will call you when he is ready. Please take a seat.”

She expected to be obeyed. She was just the sort you’d need on Judgement Day to keep order. No coffin lids opened until we say so, thank you very much. Everyone lined up in strict order of
sinning, worse ones to the rear. I’d barely parked my bum on the hard seat when Haggarty’s voice boomed down the hall.

“Is that McRae? Show him in, Viv!”

Miss Vivienne Allardice flushed at the treacherous revelation of her first name but she kept a steady grip on her sangfroid and her keyboard.

“Professor Haggarty will see you now, Mr McRae. Straight through that door…”

“Thanks, Viv.”

She glared, and the glare turned to horror as I dropped my coat and hat on the chair. She leapt out to hang them up and reinstate order before I got through the door. Haggarty was standing in
the corridor like a pub landlord welcoming his first customer after some remodelling by the Luftwaffe.

“How have you been, man? Come in, come in. Take a pew. Isn’t this a glorious day? Better than you and I are used to in our wet native lands, eh?” His great paw dragged me in to
his lair. After one session with the Prof, I knew I didn’t have to respond to any of his early questions. I sat down in the big armchair set aside for his victims.

“So, how’ve you been?” he asked again, this time requiring a reply. He settled his great bulk in a double of my chair and flung my file on the table between us. It was a thick
file. I’d given them plenty to write about.

“I’ve been fine, Professor. I get the odd bad head but it passes.”

“Are you still using Scotch to clear it?”

“It works.”

“Aye, so it does. For you. As long as it doesn’t get to be a habit. How much do you drink?”

“A glass or two a day.”

“Liar. But never mind, eh? I enjoy a tipple myself. What about smoking?”

I shrugged. Everybody smoked. “A packet a day, sometimes more.”

“That, you should stop. Or at least use the ones with filters. But you’re not here to chat about your lungs.” He began to sift through his thick pile and pulled out a piece of
black film. “The hospital sent me the x-ray we had taken the last time. Shall we take a look?”

He was on his feet and holding a foot-square panel of dark film up to the light streaming through the window. I walked over and stared at the outline of my skull. I didn’t know what I was
looking for. Something that told me what sort of man I was. Something less like poor Yorick. How could that be me? This is how I’ll look ten years after they bury me, after the worms have had
their fill. Is that all there is to us?

Haggarty’s big finger traced the outline of the white wedge that sat across much of the skull like a smudge on the plate. “They made a good job, so they did. Nice. Neat. No sign of
movement.” Then he turned to me and looked down at me from his great height. “But it doesn’t tell me what’s going on
under
there.” He stabbed the film, then
prodded my skull in the same place.

“Nothing you should worry about, Prof, I’m sure.”

“That’s for me to find out. Let’s have a chat. Are you keeping the journal?”

I pulled out a little notepad from my inside jacket pocket and waved it at him.

“Good man.”

We took our seats again and got down to it. He made me talk through the last month and the number of headaches. According to my records they seemed to be getting fewer.

“And what about the dreams?”

“They’re not like before. I mean I don’t have one of my fits and wake up and find cryptic notes.” I pointed at the pad. Thank god. It had been like living with someone
else in my body, sometimes being taken over and waking from a fugue to find this parasite had left me a message. Usually a nasty one. From the time in the camp.

“I still get nightmares, but somehow I know that’s what they are. Which makes it bearable. Does that make sense, Prof?”

“Perfectly. These nightmares – are they about Dachau?” He said it the way everybody does since they showed the pictures; as though voicing those two guttural syllables would
reopen its gates and let evil loose. Or maybe that’s just how I hear it. It still makes me flinch.

“It’s not that clear. Let me check.” I opened my pad and ran through some of the jottings. “There’s one that keeps popping up. It’s hard to describe.
I’m in a big space without colour or definition. Alone. And I’m being crowded by big boulders. They keep closing in on me. It’s not violent or scary, just oppressive somehow. An
air of gloom and foreboding. Pretty obvious, I guess.”

“Really? And what might these boulders be?”

Haggarty had that look in his eye, the one that says I’m interested in what you’re saying but not necessarily because you’re talking sense.

“I’m trying to get on with my life. But things keep getting in my road. Obstacles…” I trailed away.

He was nodding. “Sure, sure that could be right. But it might also be that you’re trying to hide something from yourself. And you won’t let it go.”

“Hide? What would I hide from myself?”

“Feelings? Recognition of yourself? You went through a rough time. For a while there you lost yourself. A year of your life erased, and you couldn’t connect the time before with the
time after.”

I nodded. “I could remember who I was, but not recognise who I’d become?”

“Possibly.”

“You blokes never come off the fence,” I laughed. “But if you’re right, what do I do about it?”

“Nothing. You’re sane – as sane as me.” He ignored my raised eyebrow. “You’ve got a job – a strange one, mind – but you can fend for yourself. The
fact you’ve got holes in your memory isn’t unusual. How many of us can recall every bit of our time for the last week, far less a year? From what you’ve told me, you’ve got
plenty enough recollection. And a lot of stuff that’s better forgotten.”

“So I just put up with the dreams?”

“Sure, we all dream.” He said nothing for a moment, then leaned forward over the table. “Tell me a thing. What language did they speak… in the camp?”

“I hadn’t thought about it. All languages. There were Poles, Roma, French, Germans of course… lots of German Jews.”

“What language did
you
speak?”

“I suppose English and French. I took French at school and two years of it at Glasgow Uni.”

He looked down at my file and casually asked, “
Sprechen sie Deutsch
?”

“
Ja, ein bisschen. Ich habe… Meine Gott
!” I put my hand up to my mouth.

“Coming back, is it? Don’t be so surprised. Even though you had a hard time of it, you would have picked up the language around you. Like a kid does. I expect you have a good basic
grasp.”

I wasn’t listening to him. I was lying in my cramped bunk whispering to the other men around me. We were discussing the news filtering through about the progress of the allies. The guards
were getting edgy. The word was they were within fifty miles. It seemed impossible. Seemed wrong to hope. I tugged at the filthy bandage around my head to ease the pressure. I was asking them what
they thought the guards would do. Would they kill us all to get rid of the evidence? Should we try to break out?

I strained to hear my words and for a moment, my head filled with new sounds and structures. We were talking in German. It might not have been High German, given the polyglot culture of the
camp, but it was recognisable.

“I had no idea, Prof. All I’ve been doing is trying to recall incidents. The language side of it never occurred to me. You don’t get far trying to order a pint in German in
Camberwell Green. Some of those old boys still have their Home Guard rifles under their beds.”

“I don’t suppose I’d recommend it as a new educational approach. But another language is always handy. I suggest you try to find a way to consolidate it. Make sure you
don’t lose it. It was hard enough earned.”

At the end of our session he walked me to the door. “You’re doing fine, Danny. Just fine. See you in a few weeks.”

I collected my hat and coat from the cool Miss Allardice.

“
Danke viel mal, fraulein. Guten tag, auf wiedersehen
, Viv.”

It was unkind, but worth it to see her perfectly smooth jaw drop and her eyes take on a look of panic as though Goering himself had just touched her up. I threw my coat over my shoulder, jammed
my hat on and walked to the bus stop, whistling again, this time
Lili Marlene
; the German version of course. I checked my watch. Eleven-thirty. I was meeting Eve Copeland at one
o’clock in pub near her newspaper office in Fleet Street. I’d get the bus down to Trafalgar Square and walk along the Strand.

FIVE

Walking down Fleet Street is like going back in time. The straggling lines of buildings are black with soot but still have that air of lofty grandeur I associate with top hats
and carriages. There were plenty of bowler hats about, and wigs – lawyers from the Inns of Court – but the air was thick with traffic smoke, and the stink was enhanced by the odd
steaming pile of horse manure. Hard to imagine the old river somewhere under the road, burbling down to the Thames.

The best view, through the arch of the railway line that sliced across the street, was the dome of St Paul’s. No one knows how it survived; it’s not as if Jerry was trying
benevolently to miss our cathedrals. Look what they did to Coventry.

The Wren was dark and low-ceilinged; their original customers must have been a lot shorter. I settled in with my papers and beer. I read the
Trumpet
from cover to cover, got stuck on
The Times
crossword, and finished a pint and two Players before Eve materialised next to my table.

“You’re reading the wrong rag, you know.” She flicked my
Times
. She was flushed but not a bit embarrassed at being half an hour late.

I sprang to my feet. My memory hadn’t betrayed me; teasing eyes and turbulent hair. Something flipped inside me, a forgotten thrill. I’d be quoting Burns to her next.

She slung her coat over the spare seat and sat down opposite me. She looked round to get her bearings. I’d chosen a corner spot and we were sufficiently far from the next table not to be
overheard. Not that the two old boys had any interest in anything other than their next domino. It was war; they clutched their tiles to their chests like they held details of Hitler’s last
secret weapon in their hands, silent except for the occasional crash of a tile on the wood table or muttered oath before “chapping”. Eve caught me eyeing them and smiled at me. A good
smile. A conspiratorial smile.

I pulled the
Trumpet
out from under my coat and flourished it. “I’ve already done my homework. Yesterday and today.”

“Good. That’s how to butter up your clients. What did you think?” She put on her inquisitorial look.

“The truth, or do you want me to make you happy?”

She laughed. “The truth makes me happy.”

“There are some very, very good… cartoons.”

“Bastard.”

“And… some of the writing is pretty good too. I’m not just saying this. Your column is about the best in the paper. It’s well written, and makes its point.”

“Hmmm. I
think
you’re being sincere.” Her head lifted and her sallow eyelids narrowed like a haughty face on a Pharaoh’s tomb. “But I don’t know you
well enough, Daniel McRae.”

“Trust me, I don’t know why you’re worried about losing your job. I don’t see any competition. Not in here.”

“Remind me to introduce you to my editor. I need to be ten times better than the next man. That’s how it is. I need new material, new angles, new stories. All I do is report what I
hear sitting in the Old Bailey.” She pointed up towards the Aldwych. “And then some follow-up with the victim’s family. The
personal
angle. Any fool can do that. I want to
report stories
before
they get to court.” She had that gleam in her eye again, the one I saw in my office when she got enthused at the idea of patrolling the dark side of town with
me.