The Vigil (28 page)

So I helped her transfer to bed, elevated her feet, and propped her head up. Once she was comfortable, I sat in her wheelchair next to the head of her bed and spent the remainder of the afternoon reading the letters her first love wrote to her over sixty years ago.

She rested with her eyes closed and, every so often, a tear flowed out of the corners.

“Cheryl, wake up.” Mama's soft voice whispered close to my ear.

I had fallen asleep in Mawmaw's wheelchair with Carlton's letters in my lap.

Mawmaw snored gently next to me. The late afternoon sun sinking low in the western sky cast evening shadows on the burgundy bedspread.

I shook my head to awaken. “What time is it?”

“It's almost 6:00 PM. Mama has to go to the dining room for supper in a few minutes. But first, did she talk to you about seeing Carlton?”

“She did. She'll see him when she's not in the wheelchair. And she doesn't want us to say anything to Carlton.”

Mama lowered her head. “Tsk tsk. Carlton will be disappointed. Does she realize he may not have much time?”

“We discussed it, but she's adamant about no wheelchair and no telling him.”

Mama exhaled long and hard. “Well, that's Mama for you.”

I chuckled. “Yep, seems her strong stubborn streak is still there.”

“Yep, wonder what she'll have to say when she finds out I'm installing an elevator in my house. I'm sure she won't be too happy about that.”

I had to agree.

“Whaaa?” Mawmaw awakened from her nap.

“It's time for supper.”

Once transferred back into her wheelchair, she crooked her finger in a come-here motion. I leaned toward her. She pecked my cheek. “Love...you.”

Tender strokes of love caressed my heart. “I love you, too. And don't worry. We'll work hard to get you walking so you can see Carlton again.”

“Yes, Mama. He'll be so excited.” Mama added.

My grandma flashed her crooked smile to Mama and me and wheeled herself down the hallway to the dining room. We followed and said our good-byes once we helped her get settled at the dining table.

“Wow, that was a change of heart. What did you tell her?”

“Not much. Only that the Carlton I knew was very much like the one she'd fallen in love with and that he still loved her.”

“Amazing. Wouldn't it be awesome if they were re-united somehow before he died?”

I smiled and reached into my purse for my keys. “Yes, that would be awesome.”
Lord, it's in Your hands.

 

****

 

The following two weeks flew by and Carlton's condition slowly deteriorated. I feared the month prediction made by his doctors would actually be true this time.
Lord, keep him here until all is forgiven.
Daily, I prayed for him to be left on this earth until he and Mawmaw had shared the blessing of forgiveness. His tormented life had been punishment enough for a horrible mistake made so many years ago.

My heart grieved knowing he'd never had the peace he so needed to forgive himself. He'd missed out on living a life of peace.

While Carlton's condition dwindled, Mawmaw grew stronger. I exchanged Wednesday mornings with Beau, for time with Mawmaw. Beau and I spoke often, and we met for coffee whenever we could.

No guilt and no worries about what the town gossips thought.

Mrs. Martin had mentioned something to Mama about whether my relationship with Beau was appropriate. Mama had instantly put her in her place and did so with a quote from Ephesians. Go Mama.

I attended Mawmaw's therapy sessions and encouraged her to keep fighting. I also reminded her how good it would feel to walk into Carlton's bedroom and say hello.

“C'mon, Miz Clement, you can do this.” Mawmaw's physical therapist, Lark LeRoux, provided excellent motivation and got Mawmaw to do so much. This morning they stood in the parallel bars. Mawmaw held on with one hand while Lark helped move her weakened leg forward.

“That's five steps! Great job!” Tears filled my eyes when Mawmaw lifted her hand in triumph.

“Yes!” Her eyes glistened, and her smile beamed from across the room.

“Miz Clement, that was awesome. I don't think I've ever seen anyone walk like that on a first try. You are amazing.” Lark high-fived her and helped wheel her out from between the bars. “You'll be using the walker in no time.”

Lord, make it so.
It meant a lot to Mawmaw to walk into Carlton's room, but what would happen to her determination if he passed away before she could accomplish that feat? Once again, I reminded myself God had this situation in His mighty hands and I had to trust. That seemed to be the hardest part. I realized, for the first time in my life, I did trust. I wasn't trying to push things in the direction I thought would produce the end result I wanted. Things would work out for the best and, while I continued to have moments of doubt, my weekly attendance at church and in Chuck's Bible study gave me the strength to turn my focus to God's presence instead of my fears.

Mawmaw propelled her wheelchair next to me. “How ‘bout dat?”

I lifted my hand for her to high-five me, too. “That, my dear, was phenomenal.”

Lark, in navy blue scrubs, released her long brown hair from its ponytail and came to stand beside me. “She is doing great. I love the progress I'm seeing. She's very motivated and that makes a huge difference.”

“Yeah, she is a toughie. I'm proud of her.”

“See you tomorrow, Miz Clement.” Lark turned and walked toward her office at the corner of the gym.

“See ya.” Mawmaw grinned her crooked little grin. “Coffee?”

I liked her new mischievous smile. “Sounds good, I'll follow you to the dining room.”

 

****

 

Carlton refused to sit in the recliner. He slept most of the afternoon. I sat next to his bedside, knitting a teal shawl for Mawmaw with yarn Aunt Melanie had given me.

“Hey.” His gravelly voice filled the quiet bedroom when he awakened.

“Hey, yourself. How ya feelin'?”

“Like...been hit...by a bus.”

“That bad, huh?” I straightened his blanket.

“Yep.”

“Lady S?” He asked about Mawmaw every day since I'd told him about her stroke.

“She walked in the parallel bars today. It was great.”

He smiled. Actually showed his teeth. “Good.”

“She's a fighter.”

He nodded. “That is true.” He grimaced.

“Do you need something for pain?”

Another nod.

I headed to the kitchen for his medicine. This was not good. I'd given him pain meds less than four hours ago. His pain grew in intensity and required increased doses of medication. Before long, he would be incoherent from the large dosage of drugs, and even if Mawmaw could make it here before he passed, he wouldn't even know she was here. I sighed.

After I administered the medication, his gaze met mine. His tired eyes lacked the usual sparkle. “Won't...be...long.” He lifted his hand for mine.

I slid my hand into his. “Hang in there, Carlton. It's all in God's timing.”

“I'm ready.” He took deep breaths. “So tired.”

“I know you are.” Should I ask again? I sensed time running out and doubt crept in where I'd been confident only this morning.
Lord, give me the words.

“Grandpa.”

He smiled with weakened lips that quivered slightly from the effort.

“You know...” I inhaled deeply. “...it's time to forgive yourself. God has already forgiven you.”

He stared at me with blank eyes. “It was...wrong.”

“I know, but your sickness controlled you. It's the past. Let it go.”

“Still wrong.”

Would he feel the same if he knew Mawmaw had forgiven him? The unspoken words scorched my lips. All I had to tell him was Mawmaw had forgiven him. It would make such a big difference to him. But as much as the words begged to be spoken, they dissolved before I voiced them. She hadn't told me she'd forgiven him. And I couldn't lie to him. He deserved more. Even if my lie would ease his troubled soul, it would serve to be based on something less than what he needed. He needed truth. I needed truth. We all did.

He reached for my hand, squeezed, and allowed his eyes to slowly close. “You…good.” With that, he leaned his head to the side and allowed the medication to take him to the only place he could find rest for now.

 

 

 

 

Trente Et Un

 

Labor Day weekend loomed, and Mama invited the whole family to her house. It seemed she had a special announcement. Usually I have a sense for what Mama was up to, but, on this, I hadn't a clue.

Carlton's condition continued to slowly deteriorate. Darcy and I worked hard to keep him alert. Managing his pain required higher doses of drugs, rendering him unaware of his surroundings. Yesterday, in a moment of acute awareness, he asked if I would suffocate him with his pillow. Before I could answer, he'd fallen back into his drug-induced sleep.

I prayed for his release from the pain. At that point, I wasn't sure if I wanted him freed of his physical or mental pain, unsure which one hurt him the most. A part of me regretted ever learning the truth about this man and for growing to love him as much as I did. Seeing him suffer like this jabbed shards of glass through my breaking heart. The bigger part of me thanked God for allowing me to know my grandfather in this special way. Once again, another example of God turning bad into good and using His perfect timing.

Hopefully, Mama's announcement would offer some respite of good news during this hard time. So much bad had happened in the past few months, maybe it was time for a bit of good news.

Sunday morning, we arrived at Mama's house to decorations on the doorframe.

I sat next to Anthony and Angelle on Mama's couch watching Mama and Aunt Melanie standing next to the fireplace. My aunt had her arm around my Mama's waist.

Mawmaw, whom I'd picked up from the rehab facility, sat in her wheelchair next to the couch.

Mama's friends from her Bible study group filled every sitting surface in the room.

“Everyone.” Aunt Melanie lifted her glass of sweet tea and turned toward Mama. “My beautiful sister has an announcement to make.”

It seemed such a formal presentation. What were these two up to?

“Today.” Mama cleared her throat. “Pastor Chuck from Grace Community Church has agreed to baptize me right here behind my house in Bijou Bayou.”

Wow, I hadn't expected that one. At that moment Chuck and Debra appeared from the kitchen. Mama getting baptized? I guess I never thought that she'd never been. Mama's electric smile and twinkling gaze scanned the room. Her violet eyes burst with happiness. My heart smiled with her. I jumped from my seat and ran to her. “Mama, I'm happy for you.” She embraced me, and I returned the hug.

“Thank you, Cheryl. It means the world to me you're here. I love you.”

Our gazes met. I saw years of emotion she hadn't shared, and I hoped she saw the same in mine. I really loved her and wanted more than anything to be part of her life.

Anthony and Angelle rushed to her also. “Let's get this going!”

The family and Mama's friends from her Bible study group made their way out the back door and down the stairway to the bank of the glistening Bijou Bayou. I pushed Mawmaw in her wheelchair toward the outside elevator Mama had installed.

Pushing Mawmaw through the thick St. Augustine grass required Anthony's help, but we made it to the small dock of the shallow cut in area where Mama and Chuck walked into the bayou.

Chuck spoke about how it was never too late to dedicate our lives to Christ and that no matter what we'd done in the past, it was just that—the past. He prayed for Mama's faith, that it would grow strong, and she would be a reflection of Jesus in all she encountered. He spoke of the importance of the rite of baptism and its symbol of faith in the crucified, buried, and risen Savior. After her immersion, Mama was officially baptized in Bijou Bayou.

Later that afternoon, after we'd all feasted in true South Louisiana tradition on as many possible Cajun dishes as the kitchen could hold, we sat around the living room visiting, also in true South Louisiana tradition.

I slipped away from the group and out the back door to retrieve the prop needed for my own exciting announcement. I walked back into the house and toward Mawmaw, who stayed in her spot. “We have another surprise for everyone.”

Our guests turned as I produced a walker with front wheels and a right arm platform attached. When I placed it in front of Mawmaw's wheelchair, silence as thick as the evening fog filled the room.

“Mawmaw has something she wants to share with all of you.”

Mawmaw stood from her chair. I helped slide her weak arm under the Velcro straps of the arm platform and guided her fingers to form around the handle. She held tight with her left hand and pushed the walker across the carpet while taking slow methodical steps toward a shocked Mama and Aunt Melanie, who stood twenty feet away.

I pushed the wheelchair behind Mawmaw loving the joy in Mama's eyes as she waited with both hands steepled around her mouth.

Silence filled the room while Mawmaw trudged across the carpet to where her daughters stood. Once, Mama tried to run toward her, but Mawmaw backed her off with a guttural “No.”

Aunt Melanie, with eyes glistening, linked her arm through Mama's to keep her still.

With each step closer to Mama and Aunt Melanie, Mawmaw stood taller and braved longer steps.

Anthony broke the silence with rhythmic claps. Angelle followed with Chuck and Debra. Before long everyone in the room joined in.

The applause fueled Mawmaw. She smiled and stood even taller. When she reached her daughters, she stopped and tested her balance. Once certain of her stance, she reached to Mama with her left hand and hugged her neck. “Congrats.”