The Virgin Mistress (8 page)

Her heart thumping, Rebecca hesitated. It was such an innocent thing, holding hands, and so very sweet and intimate. She knew she shouldn't, simply because that was the first step that would eventually lead to something she couldn't handle. But she could no more resist the chance to touch him than she'd been able to resist his invitation
to dinner. A tentative smile curling the corners of her mouth, she took his hand.

Later, she couldn't remember the drive home. She just knew that except when he needed both hands on the wheel, he held her hand the entire way. It was wonderful.

All too soon, however, they reached her apartment and it was time to say good-night. Still, Rebecca didn't want the evening to end. It had been so long since she'd gone out with anyone, and she'd never felt as safe and comfortable with anyone as she did with Austin. Impulsively, she turned to him as they reached her front door. “Would you like to come in for dessert and coffee? All I've got is chocolate chip cookies, but they're homemade.”

It was a tempting offer, but regretfully, he shook his head. “I think I'd better pass this time. You've got to work tomorrow, and it's getting late.” Taking her key from her, he unlocked the door for her, then handed it back to her, his smile fading as his eyes met hers in the bright glow of her porch light. “I had a great time tonight.”

“Me, too,” she said softly. “Thank you for asking me.”

“We'll have to do it again.”

She wanted to, more than anything—which was why she should have told him good-night right then and stepped inside and shut the door behind her. It would have been the smart thing to do. She was too attracted to him and didn't seem to have any common sense where he was concerned. If she needed any proof of that, she got it when he reached for her. She knew he was going to kiss her, and like an idiot, what did she do? She stepped into his arms.

It should have been wonderful, everything her dreams were made of. In her mind's eye, she could see herself melting against him and lifting her mouth to his for a magical kiss that set every nerve ending in her body hum
ming with pleasure. That was the way it was supposed to be, the way she longed for it to be.

But when his arms closed around hers and his mouth covered hers, she suddenly found herself caught up in a nightmare of the distant past. Her heart slamming against her ribs and the very real taste of fear on her tongue, she forgot that it was Austin holding her, kissing her. In her panic, it was another man who grabbed at her, trying to steal something from her she didn't want to give. Terrified, her only thought to get away, she fought wildly to free herself. “No!”

It wasn't until she heard her own desperate scream and she saw the shock on Austin's face—dear God, it was Austin, not the monster who still haunted her dreams!—that she realized what she'd done. “Oh, God, Austin, I'm sorry! I didn't mean…I didn't realize—”

He'd never had a woman react quite that way to his kiss before, but that wasn't what concerned Austin at the moment. It was the very real fear on her face when she'd fought her way out of his arms. Worried, he took a step toward her. “What is it, Rebecca? Let's talk about it.”

Her eyes still wide with panic, she turned quickly toward the door. “No!” she sobbed. “Talking won't do any good. I can't see you anymore.”

Stunned, Austin watched her slam the door in his face and couldn't for the life of him understand what had just happened. He'd thought she was just as attracted to him as he was to her. In fact, he'd have sworn she was. So what the devil went wrong? He hadn't forced her, he hadn't even held her tightly. He wasn't the kind of man who rushed a woman into a physical relationship. He'd just kissed her.

Worried, he almost pounded on the door and demanded an explanation, but that, he knew, would be a mistake.
She wouldn't talk to him now, not when she was so shaken up. He had to give her some time. Once she settled down and realized she had nothing to fear from him, she'd be more willing to tell him what was going on.

Resigned, he left, but giving her the time she needed wasn't nearly as easy as he'd thought it would be. For that night and all the next day, she was all he could think of. What had put that look of fear in her eyes?
Who?

Worried about her, he finally gave in to temptation and called her the following evening. “Hi,” he said the minute she came on the line. “Are you busy? I was hoping we could talk.”

“Actually, I was in the middle of making a test for tomorrow,” she retorted stiffly. “Sorry.”

“That's okay,” he said easily. “I'll catch you another time.”

But when he called the following evening, there was no answer, and he suspected she was avoiding him. He knew it for sure when he left a cheerful message on her answering machine, and she didn't call him back.

Another man might have taken the hint and let it go. After all, he didn't want to get involved with her or any other woman, so why did he care if she avoided him? This just made it easier for him to leave when his work in Prosperino was finished and he returned to Portland.

But every time he thought about that moment on her doorstep when she fought her way out of his arms, he couldn't forget the horror he'd seen in her eyes. It wasn't him she was afraid of, it was someone else, and that infuriated him. How had he hurt her? He wouldn't rest until he found out.

The decision made, he decided the only way he was going to get close enough to her to talk to her was to catch her by surprise. So the next day, he drove to the
school at noon and found her at lunch with some of the other teachers on the patio outside the cafeteria. In the middle of eating a sack lunch she'd brought from home, she took one look at him and nearly choked. “Austin! What are you doing here?”

“I was hoping we could talk,” he said quietly. “Have you got a minute?”

When she hesitated, he was afraid she was going to find another excuse to avoid him, but then something flickered in her eyes, a silent cry for help that struck him right in the heart. Then she was making an excuse to her co-workers and rising to her feet. “We can talk over here,” she said quietly, and led him away from the patio to a flourishing rose garden at the far end of the school's administrative wing.

“This is Mr. Foster's pride and joy,” she said with a faint smile, “so be careful. He's been known to suspend anyone who so much as touches one of his roses.”

“Then I'll be careful to keep my hands to myself,” he replied, and hoped she realized she had nothing to fear from him. He would never hurt her. Surely she knew that. His eyes searching hers, he watched her struggle to keep a smile on her mouth, and it broke his heart. “What is it, Rebecca?” he asked huskily. “What's wrong? What happened the other night? I never meant to scare you.”

“Oh, but you didn't! I mean, you did, but it wasn't because of anything you did…at least not directly. I just…”

Unable to find the right words, she looked up at him with tears streaming down her cheeks, and it was all Austin could do not to reach for her. He'd never seen so much pain in her eyes before and it tore him apart. “Tell me, honey,” he rasped. “Whatever it is, just tell me.”

This wasn't where she'd wanted to have this conver
sation. Even though she had her back to the patio and the other teachers couldn't see her distress, she couldn't help but be aware of the fact that they were watching every move she and Austin made. There would be questions later, speculation, and she dreaded it. But Austin had the look of a man who wasn't going anywhere until he got some answers, and she couldn't blame him. After the way she'd reacted to his kiss the other night, he was entitled to an explanation.

It was just so hard. Tears clogged her throat, and after all these years, it still hurt to talk about that time in her life. But she wanted him to know so he wouldn't blame himself. He'd been so nice to her and he didn't deserve that. So she brushed away her tears and struggled to explain.

“I think it's fair to say that I didn't grow up in a home like you did. My father wasn't in the picture—I don't even know who he was—and my mother wasn't exactly Betty Crocker. She was an alcoholic and wasn't particular about the men she brought home with her. When I was fourteen, one of them tried to assault me.”

“Son of a bitch!”

“That's not the worst of it,” she replied quietly. “I knew my mother wouldn't do anything to protect me, so I ran away and lived on the streets for a while.”

“My God, you were just a kid!”

“I managed to get by, but it wasn't easy. I survived by my wits, ate out of trash cans when I had to, and lied about my age at homeless shelters when I was so hungry, I was desperate. Then one night when I was sleeping in a shelter, I was almost raped.”

He swore like the sailor he'd once been, but now that she'd come this far, Rebecca knew she had to say it all, or she'd never get it out. “I managed to get away and
eventually ended up at Hopechest Ranch. That's where I met Meredith, and everything changed. But I never got over the attacks. I haven't been able to let a man touch me since.

“I've tried,” she said before he could ask her the question she knew was coming next. “Meredith and Joe spent a fortune on therapists for me. I've seen doctors all over the country, but nothing worked. The minute a man touches me, even one that I trust and respect like you, I freeze. That's what happened the other night when you kissed me. I knew you wouldn't hurt me, but there's nothing logical about panic. Before I could do anything but blink, I was scared. All I wanted to do was get away.”

“Honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.”

“I should have told you. I knew you were attracted to me…and I feel the same way about you. But it's just so hard to talk about.” Tears flooded her eyes and turned her voice thick with pain. “I enjoy your company so much, and I was hoping this time it would be different. But it's not, and there's nothing I can say or do to change that. We can't have a relationship—”

“You don't know that for sure,” he argued, his eyes dark with concern as he tried to reason with her. “We rushed into this. Maybe we just need to take things at a slower pace.”

If she'd let herself, she could have fallen in love with him right then and there. How could he have known that she needed him to say that? Or how desperately she wanted to believe that this was a problem that could be fixed that easily? But even though she wanted to cling to that hope, she knew better. She'd tried everything in the past, and nothing had helped. To think otherwise would only lead to more heartache, and she'd put herself through enough of that already.

“I wish that was all it took,” she said huskily. “But you'd only end up hating me, and I can't do that to you.”

“I could never hate you,” he said with a frown. “And don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. It's you I'm concerned about.”

“Then trust my judgment, and let me end this now. It has to be this way.” Her heart breaking, she turned away because she had to. Because if she hadn't, she would have dissolved in tears again, and that was the last thing she wanted to do in full view of her co-workers. She'd have to save her pain for later, when she was alone and could cry her heart out in the privacy of her apartment.

“Thank you for understanding,” she said thickly. “Goodbye.”

Later, Austin never knew how he let her go. She was the best thing that had happened to him since he'd lost Jenny and the baby, and every instinct he had told him he'd be a fool to let her walk away from him. But for now, he had no choice. She was hurting, and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her. Thanks to the bastard who'd nearly raped her, however, that was the last thing he could do.

Frustrated, aching for her, he drove away from the school, resigned to the fact that he had to respect her wishes and cut her out of his life. It was the only decent thing to do.

But, Lord, she didn't make it easy for him. He poured himself into his work over the course of the next few days, but every time he let his guard down the least little bit, he found himself thinking of her, wondering what she was doing, worrying about her. But it was the nights that were the worst.

When he was asleep and his defenses were down, he dreamed of the man who'd tried to force himself on her,
and it ripped him apart. All too clearly, he could imagine the terror on her face when she'd realized what was happening, and he wanted to kill the monster for daring to lay so much as a finger on her. But in the nightmare, there was nothing he could do but stand helplessly by and watch.

Swearing, he woke in a sweat night after night, until he couldn't stand it one minute more. Switching on the bedside light, he reached for the phone and called her. It wasn't until he heard her sleepy hello that he glanced at the clock and realized it was after midnight.

“I'm sorry,” he said huskily. “I didn't realize it was so late.”

“Austin, is that you? What's wrong?”

“Nothing. I was just worried about you. Are you okay?”

When she hesitated, he wanted to believe that she'd missed him as much as he had her, but all she said was, “I'm fine. Work's been keeping me busy. How's the case coming?”

“Slow,” he said flatly. “But that's not why I called. I've been thinking about what you said the other day at school.”

“Austin—”

“Wait,” he said quickly, stopping the protest he could already hear in her voice. “I know you don't want to talk about it. I don't blame you. That had to be a horrible experience for you, and I can understand why you don't want to dredge up the past again. But you can't let that bastard ruin the rest of your life. If we stop seeing each other because of something he did to you when you were fourteen, he's still raping you.”