The Women of Duck Commander (14 page)

As a little girl, I had an extended family member who had major drug and alcohol problems. Unfortunately, that person lived with my grandparents, so I had to see him often. Because I spent so much time at my grandparents’ house, I was easy prey for him. My earliest memory of being molested was at the age of seven when he started to do things to me, things that made me feel bad and dirty. I don’t
remember how he threatened me (every abuser threatens) if I ever told anyone about it, but whatever he said worked. Chances are, he probably told me my dad would be upset with me if he found out. I adored my dad, and I would never have done anything to upset him. The abuser knew that.

One morning at my grandmother’s house, I became very frightened and called my mother at work, begging her to come get me and take me home. I would not tell her why I wanted to leave, so she probably thought I had gotten into trouble with my grandparents. I don’t remember what triggered my fear, but my mother did not come get me that day. I never told her or my dad about the abuse.

The abuser continued to abuse me whenever I visited my grandmother’s house until I was about fourteen years old, when my grandfather died. During a big family gathering at my grandmother’s house after the funeral, he got me alone. He was planning to continue his actions right after we’d buried my grandfather! But that time was different. I had had enough. I finally stood up for myself and told him that if he ever touched me again I would tell my dad and my dad would kill him. I am
positive
I was right about that.

After many years, I did tell my mother about the abuse because she babysat my grandchildren and I wanted to make sure they were protected. I also forgave the abuser eventually, but not for a long time—and not without first being personally devastated, not without deeply wounding the people I love most, and not without
ultimately going through a powerful experience of having someone forgive me.

U
NFORTUNATELY
, I
T’S
N
OT
U
NCOMMON

As I thought about writing this book, I wanted to share about the abuse for a couple of reasons. First, what happened to me happens to many, many people. It’s tragic, but it’s common. Second, I want all abuse survivors to know they have hope. They can have hope for complete healing, hope for great relationships, and hope for a wonderful life, free from the lingering effects of the trauma they have suffered. I say this with complete confidence because after a lot of help from special people and a lot of healing from God, it happened for me.

Sexual abuse is always physically damaging; it’s also emotionally damaging, and most people recognize that. I would like to add that for me, it was mentally damaging. Let me explain. Being abused did something to the way I thought about myself and about men in general. It set in motion some unhealthy thought processes that took root in my mind without my knowledge—and certainly without my agreement—and stayed in place for many years. To put it simply, I unconsciously began to believe my purpose in life was to please men. Therefore, because the abuse happened at such a young age, I never developed a healthy sense of identity and purpose for myself. This helps explain a lot of the bad choices I made while I was dating.
Please understand that
I
take full responsibility for the wrong life choices I made.
I
did those things to the ones I loved.
I
committed those sins. But I do want you to understand that the sins of others
can
damage our thought processes.

A C
RISIS
P
OINT AND A
T
URNING
P
OINT

When I married Alan, I did not understand how faulty my thinking was, and I had no idea it would eventually lead to trouble in our relationship. In the late 1990s, for various reasons, I had an affair. It lasted fourteen months. Alan was devastated and eventually, so was I. When he first began to suspect something, I denied it. When Alan discovered hard evidence of my behavior, I finally broke down and told him everything. He asked me to leave our home and to tell our two daughters why I was leaving.

Alan was pastor of a large church at this time and though he did not ask me to do it, I decided to face the congregation one Sunday morning and tell everyone what I had done. I knew that in order to break the power of my behavior and to truly have strength to change my ways, I had to be accountable, and I chose to be accountable to a
lot
of people that day.

Our church loved me and surrounded me, although many of them were angry with me because of how I had hurt Alan. The Robertson family had every reason to be furious with me, and they were deeply hurt over the way I had treated Alan, but after some time, they handled the situation in a godly way. I always tell people Miss Kay is a gentle person, and I know that maybe better than anyone.
Even though I caused her and the whole family great pain, she always treated me with gentleness during that terrible time.

In the aftermath of my confession, a special group of women spent time with me every evening and we studied the Bible and prayed for a new path for my life. One night after one of our group meetings, I was baptized in a friend’s pool and felt relief and renewal and hope for the first time in a long, long time. The period of separation from Alan gave me a time of reflection that forced me to finally turn everything over to my Lord.

While Alan and I were apart, I lived with our next-door neighbors, who also happened to be our closest friends at the time and remain that way today. I went to their house so I could give Alan the space he needed and still take care of our home and our girls. Alan was not mean or ugly to me, but at the same time, he would not touch me or talk to me about anything except matters concerning the girls. I desperately wanted him to know what God was doing in my life, but I knew he did not trust me, so I kept a respectful distance.

T
OGETHER
A
GAIN

One night Alan called me and asked me to meet him. I was afraid and excited at the same time. We talked a long time about reconciliation and what it would take to survive all the trauma our marriage had endured and to renew our relationship. By the end of the conversation, I was filled with hope, but I also knew that because Jesus had by then replaced Alan as the Lord of my life, I could survive no matter what happened with us.

At that time, I was seeing a wonderful counselor who was helping me through so much. After Alan and I talked that night, we started meeting with her together. I was learning that I had to forgive all of those who had sinned against me in my past (like the family member who abused me), and I was learning to build honesty and integrity into every decision I made. I learned that I did not exist to please men, but that God had created me with a unique and special purpose to please Him. I also learned to love God’s Word in a whole new way, especially the Psalms and the Proverbs, which were my food during this deep look at myself. One of my new favorite verses was Proverbs 24:26, which says, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” I determined that honesty with God, with myself, and with Alan was going to be one of my new character traits!

After about two months of being separated, Alan and I were reconciled. We renewed our vows to each other and bought new rings to signify our new beginning. We did not do any of this publicly, but just between ourselves, because we wanted it to be about God and about our starting something new and special. We continued our counseling together until we felt ready to begin a newly healed life and marriage.

S
TILL
G
OING
S
TRONG

Alan and I are still going strong; we are more in love than ever and we have done our best to use the pain we have been through to help as many other people as we can. Our whole story is much longer and more complicated than I can share in this book. What I really
want to communicate is that with God’s help, a commitment to live by His Word, a loving family, a support system of fellow Christians, good counseling, and enough time, anything a person has been through can be healed, restored, and redeemed.

I have learned many valuable lessons during my life and in my journey as a Robertson—many of them the hard way through pain and difficulty. I can never say enough about how grateful I am that Alan and his family chose to forgive me, but one of the most important lessons I had to learn was to forgive myself. Without that, the forgiveness Alan, our daughters, our family, and our friends have extended to me would have been compromised. Had I never been able to forgive myself, I would have stayed stuck in my pain while others were moving on.

T
HERE
I
S
H
OPE FOR
Y
OU

To people who have been through situations similar to mine, especially those who have experienced abuse or unfaithfulness on any level, I would say you can always come home to Christ. He is big enough to handle anything you have done or anything that has been done to you. His sacrifice on the cross is enough to cover anything.

Human beings can do a lot of bad things, but nothing you can do will cause Him to turn His back on you. No matter what has happened, refuse to live one more day as a victim. Know that Christ forgives you, and let that empower you to forgive yourself for even the biggest things.

I could spend every day of the rest of my life lamenting how much my past actions hurt the people I love. I refuse to do that because life is too short and because I know that God and the people around me want me to be healed and whole and strong, using everything that has happened in my life to encourage and support other people in their difficult times and to be the best wife, mother, and grandmother I can be.

I spent years doing the work I needed to do, with God’s help and the support of great people, and now I can live in total freedom from the past. When talking about things like this, Miss Kay has a short but powerful piece of advice: “Confess it, own it, and move on.” Sometimes that takes a while. Getting to the point where you have the courage to confess may not happen overnight. Learning to own your thoughts, words, and actions may be a process. And you may have a few false starts before you get enough momentum to really move on. But even if it takes a while to work through your stuff, it’s worth it. You, too, can ultimately end up in your very own happily ever after.

Part Four

TALKIN’ ABOUT MY GENERATIONS

Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations.

PSALM 90:1, NKJV

15

INTRODUCTION

A Message from the Wives

Our husbands grew up with the same parents and grandparents, but obviously, all of us became Robertsons later in life. We come from a variety of family experiences, all of which helped determine our values, shape our characters, and make us who we are today. Some of us have always enjoyed the kind of family closeness that characterizes the Robertsons; for others, coming into such a tight-knit family has been a blessing we did not have a chance to experience in our younger days.