Therapy (30 page)

“No, Kinsgley, baby, I’m not sleeping when we get there, not at all, not with this sexy-ass body of yours. We are gonna play.” My words sort of slur together and although I’m embarrassing myself, I just don’t care. Jace’s eyes say everything that his mouth isn’t. I can see how my words sting and hurt him. I should be ashamed of myself, but I’m not.

I destroy everything good in my life, one impulsive choice at a time.

Kingsley turns toward Jace one last time and says, “Just leave her alone. You can’t toy with her anymore. I won’t let you. You made your choice, man. Go home to your woman. Jessica isn’t yours anymore, she’s mine.”

I am?

Jace glares at Kingsley, studying him carefully, and I can see the anger and pain in his eyes, his stance—it radiates off of him. I should feel bad for him, but right now all I feel is anger too. He steps in closer toward Kingsley and I suddenly fear some sort of testosterone-filled face-off between the two of them.

“No, that’s where you’re wrong man. She isn’t yours. She isn’t a fucking possession. But I will tell you this—I love her and I’ve always loved her. You can lay claim to her all you want, but nothing you do will ever erase the fact that she loves me.”

He shifts his eyes to mine and my mind spins a little at his words. That, and all the alcohol running through my veins.

“I came here to tell you that I choose you. I choose to love you, Jess, to be with you. I came here to tell you that I’m breaking things off with Victoria and to tell you face-to-face that I have never for a minute stopped wanting you to be the woman by my side.”

My mouth involuntarily falls open.

“Let’s go, Jessica. He’s just screwing with you and you know it. Let’s just go.”

I look over at Kingsley and I’m confused, still trying to process what Jace just said.

“I’m leaving, Jess. You can go with me or with him, if that’s what you really want, but when you wake up tomorrow and remember tonight just know that I meant everything I said. All you have to do is say the word and I’ll be there. We can figure this all out together and try to fix everything we’ve broken,” Jace says. I want to believe him. It seems like he believes himself this time.

Kingsley takes my hand. “Come on, let’s go.”

I just nod and follow beside Kingsley as he guides me. I look back at Jace and say nothing. There’s nothing to say right now. I don’t trust his promises.

My head is pounding as I open my eyes, and the light flickering through the windows nearly blinds me. I groan, squeezing my eyes shut and rolling over to my side in a fetal position. My mouth feels like I’ve been chewing on cotton balls and my throat is like the Sahara Desert.

“Well, look who’s awake. Rise and shine, hungover one.” He’s talking entirely too loud and I just want to go back to sleep.

“Go away, Kingsley. I need more sleep.”

“No way, get your ass up. It’s nearly noon already and we have somewhere to be in an hour.” He flips the lights on, which makes the damn room even brighter. “Go take a cold shower and I’ll make you something to eat. No arguments from you either, especially after the shit I dealt with from you last night. You’ve got to be the worst drunk woman I’ve ever encountered, such a huge pain in the ass.”

My head is spinning as I try to recall everything that happened last night. I remember the bar, Jace, Kingsley, and me making a complete fool of myself. After that, all I remember is holding on to Kingsley for dear life as he weaved in and out of traffic through the darkened city streets to my apartment.

Shit! I don’t remember what happened when we got here.

“What did I do? God, I’m almost afraid to hear the answer. Did we have sex? Was it awful? Did I puke? What?” I ask frantically.

Laughter fills the room, rattling through my aching head, and I glare at him. He’s standing at the foot of my bed in the same clothes he had on last night, only without the beanie. His hair is a mess and if he doesn’t shave soon, he’s going to have a full-on beard. You can barely see his dimples anymore due to all the scruff.

“What’s so damn funny? Stop laughing at me,” I pout.

“You really don’t remember, do you?”

I carefully shake my head from side to side as I pull my knees up closer to my chest, hugging them.

“You puked all over yourself, all down the front of that slutty red dress. Good riddance. I just threw it in the trash.”

“You did what? Oh my God, Kingsley! I love that dress.”

Suddenly, it occurs to me that I’m in one of my T-shirts and a pair of boxers. I look down and see
Er Mher Gherd
written across the front of my old shirt. I check out the floor and see my heels beside the black lacy thong I was wearing.

“You undressed me? You took off my panties too? What the hell, Kingsley! How embarrassing!” I can feel the heat coloring my face as I groan.

What the hell else happened last night?

He crosses his arms over his broad chest and continues on with that Cheshire cat smirk.

“Matter of fact, you took those off all on your own. To be more specific, you tried to do a little strip tease for me, although you could barely stand up in those ridiculous shoes.” He arches an eyebrow and I die. “You kicked off the shoes, bent over, backside pointed right at me in that dress, ass all hanging out, and took the thong right off. You spun them around in the air on your fingertip, and then proceeded to puke all down the front of yourself.”

Oh, God.

If I didn’t feel sick enough before, I feel deathly ill now. If there were a nearby hole, I’d happily jump feetfirst into it. I quickly pull the comforter up over my face, mortified.

“Oh, hell no, you’re not hiding from this. I cleaned your vomit, dressed you, and put you in bed. It is what it is. Get over it. I slept on the couch. So, to answer your question, no, we did not have sex and if we had I can promise you, it would’ve been nowhere in the realm of awful. Now get up, get in the shower, and get dressed, woman.”

I hear my bedroom door shut and roll over to my side, kicking my feet like a kid throwing a tantrum.

That man is impossible.

I close my eyes and exhale. Jace’s face flashes through my mind’s eye. I sit up slowly and reach over for my phone. Four text messages from him. I’m scared to read them, but I swipe the screen anyway.

Jace:
You always do this. You always wreck us before there’s any chance for redemption. Why? Why do you always do this? It’s no different than high school.

Jace:
I guess you aren’t going to respond since you’re with gorilla boy. I can’t take this, Jess. My resolve is fucking cracking. Why didn’t you just come with me last night? We could be together right now...

Jace:
I love you, Jess. I always have and I always will. Thing is, you refuse to let anyone love you. I know I screwed up that night at your apartment and I know I should’ve had the balls to break things off with Vic from the start, but I didn’t. I made a mistake. That’s why I came looking for you last night; to apologize, to tell you I was going to leave her. But after the scene you made and seeing the destruction that breeds inside you I know that we will never work. You refuse to let love in. You destroy it. Until you get help for your disorder, you’ll never change. Just like an alcoholic will never stop abusing until they get help, you’ll never stop hurting yourself physically and emotionally until you get help and you’ll keep hurting the ones around you too. I refuse to walk on eggshells around you. You’re a ticking time bomb. Get help, Jess. Do it for you—not for him or me—but for you. I won’t force my way into your life anymore.

Jace:
Good-bye, Jess.

The truth hurts.

I read the last words and hurl my phone across the room. It hits the wall and shatters before crashing to the floor. My door flies open and Kingsley rushes through.

“What the hell was that?” He looks down and sees what’s left of my phone. “Why did you just demolish your phone?” he asks carefully.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” My face is like stone. I refuse to cry a single tear over Jace Collins ever again. Emotion burns my eyes, but I fight it away.

“Are you okay?” he prods. “You look strange. What’s going on, darlin’?”

“I said that I don’t want to talk about it. I’m getting up, okay? I’m getting up and into the shower just like you asked. Please don’t push me on this. It’s just a phone. Who cares?” And with that, I’m up and moving into my bathroom, shutting the door on Jace and his self-righteous text messages.

As much as I didn’t want to, I got up and got ready. I grabbed a swimsuit, per Kingsley’s request, but I have no idea where we’re heading. I hope we aren’t going too far; riding on this damn bike with a hangover is not an enjoyable experience at all.

“I have to change clothes so we’re gonna stop by my place real quick,” he yells over his shoulder.

A few more miles and we’re at his house. I choose to sit on the porch and wait while he changes. I just don’t feel comfortable in there, knowing it was where he made a home with his wife. The door opens, bringing me out of my daydreaming.

“Okay, let’s get going.” He’s wearing workout clothes and I instantly feel argumentative. No way am I working out with this hangover.

“Where are we going, Kingsley? Please don’t tell me that you expect me to go to the gym feeling like I do.”

“Nope, we aren’t going to the gym. Let’s go. Stop your bellyaching.”

“My stomach does ache, a lot. I just want to sleep, Kingsley. Why are you dragging me all over the place when I feel so horrible? Is this my payback?”

“Oh my God, woman, stop whining. You got yourself wasted, now accept the consequences. I don’t feel sorry for you. I texted multiple times yesterday trying to set this up for today, but you chose to go out and destroy your liver instead. I want you to go with me to volunteer today.”

“Volunteer for what?” I ask, puzzled.

“At the YMCA with kids. They’re really great. I go a couple times a month. Lily used to teach an art class there. After she died, I started volunteering with the sports programs. I love it and I want to take you with me. I think you’ll enjoy it too. The kids are awesome.”

Kingsley constantly surprises me. I have no experience with kids, so I have no idea how I can be of any help.

“I don’t know anything about kids, Kingsley.”

“You don’t need to. You just follow their lead. Adults learn far more from kids than kids ever learn from us. I think it will be good for you, yah know? Kids are everything that’s good and pure. They can really bring a lot of things into perspective for a person. Every time I go, I leave feeling like a better person with a brighter outlook on life.”

He holds out his hand and looks at me expectantly. I reach out and take it. It’s warm and comforting, just like him. I look up at him and he smiles, pulling me in closer to his body. He wraps strong arms around me and squeezes. We take a deep breath together and sigh simultaneously as his head rests on top of mine. I feel myself relax as all thoughts flee my mind. All but one: I am so thankful for this man.

“Just trust me, okay?” he whispers. I nod into his chest and wonder how I got so lucky. I don’t deserve him. Jace is right, I’ll ruin this too, somehow, someway; I’ll screw this thing with Kingsley up just like I do with every guy I meet.

“I know the phone throwing had something to do with him. I won’t pry, but you have to move on from him, Jess. The situation is holding you hostage. You can’t stay on that merry-go-round forever. It’s already been six years too long.”

He’s right and I know it. I can’t hold on to my high school love forever.

“I’m trying,” is all I say. And again I’m thankful because he doesn’t say anything else about it.

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on.”

—Steve Maraboli

“REALLY, I DON’T need you to take me to my appointment. It’s so sweet of you to offer, but I need to do this on my own. Let’s just hope this new therapist doesn’t turn into a disaster like the first one did.”

I’m disappointed, but I’m happy that she’s trying and feeling strong enough to go alone. Watching her with the kids at the Y was amazing. I could see something inside her change for a few hours. The woman I knew existed within her was revealed. She’s a natural in the water and the kids loved her instantly. She was so patient with them and she smiled the entire time.

“What are you over there grinning about?” she asks, while tying her shoes.

“You,” I reply.

“Me, what?” She gives me a crooked little smile and I can’t help but want to take her face in my hands and kiss her right here and now. My need for her is relentless. Every moment we spend together it grows. I have to control myself, though. She’s not ready. She still loves him and I’m pretty positive that if he came running back to her right now, she’d let him. I don’t want half of her heart. I want all of it.

“I was just thinking about you volunteering with the kids,” I tell her. “You really amazed me. You did a really good job and it was nice seeing you so happy.”

She stands up and fidgets with her sleeves. She does that when she gets nervous. And she always gets nervous when she gets complimented. She’s so used to being put down that a compliment is foreign to her. The sad part is that I think she’s her own worst enemy. I think she puts herself down more than anyone else ever has.

“Hey, take the compliment. You were great. Own that shit and be proud of yourself.”

She blushes.

Fuck! Why did she have to do that?

Brushing a few strands of her hair back from her face, my fingers softly graze her neck. She tenses a little, responding to my touch, and the sexual tension between us vibrates in an unsteady rhythm. I want her and I know she wants me. I want to do so much more than simply touch her hair. I want more of this woman, so much more. I want to erase that guy from her mind forever and firmly embed myself in her heart.

“You need to shave,” she mutters, and then nervously turns and walks toward the kitchen. I scratch at my chin, feeling the growth of my whiskers. She’s right; I do need to shave soon.

She grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and gets her purse. “I should go.”

“Can I at least give you a ride to the bus stop?”

She smiles as she says, “Sure.”

“Great. How about dinner tonight, my place?” I see her expression change and I know why.

“You can’t keep being weird about coming to my house. It’s okay. Lily would love you. I know she would. There’s nothing wrong with me having a friend over. We can cook again.” I wink and smile at her, trying to lighten the mood.

She gives me that look. The one where she’s wanting to say yes, but feeling like the right answer is no.

“Say yes, Jessica,” I prod.

“All right, but only if I don’t have to cook anything difficult.” She slings her purse over her shoulder and opens the door for us.

“How about breakfast for dinner? I can teach you to make eggs!” We both bust out laughing and I soak up the moment. It feels so damn good to laugh.

It just feels good to feel.