Therapy (34 page)

“We are taught in life that love can heal wounds and rescind pain, but we soon learn that pain can often

destroy the strongest of love.”

—Kathryn Perez

“VIC, I KNOW you’re there, so just pick up the phone.” I keep calling her, but she doesn’t answer. I try calling one last time as I pull into the parking lot in front of Jessica’s apartment. Nothing.

I go upstairs and realize I haven’t a damn clue what I’m going to say to her or why I’m really even here. I just know that I need to see her, talk to her. I knock and wait. My heart is in my throat and the seconds feel like hours. I knock again and nothing. I pull out my phone and call her, but it goes straight to voicemail.

“Dammit!” I lean forward, resting my head on her door, and I feel so damn lost. I turn around and slide to the floor, my head hung in defeat, and try to figure out how my life got twisted up so fast. Victoria’s pregnant and I’m in love with someone else. I’m in love with someone that refuses to let me love her or help her and my mom is lying in a hospital bed barely escaping death.

Minutes, hours pass by. I sit outside Jessica’s door, feeling like a fool, but I don’t want to leave until I see her. I need to know if there’s any chance of fixing anything that’s left of us. I have to know. I can’t move on until I know for sure. I rest my head on my knees and close my eyes.

“Jace?”

My neck is stiff and my ass is killing me. I open my eyes and see black chucks standing in front of me. I rub my hand over my face and try to let me eyes adjust as I look up.

“What are you doing? Are you drunk?”

It’s her and she looks different somehow. Her hair is in a messy knot on top of her head and she looks tired, but there’s something else about her that’s different. It’s her eyes. They’re full of life, happy. I wonder why.

I stand up and crane my head from side to side, trying to work some of the stiffness out. “No, I’m not drunk, Jess.”

“Well, then, why in the world are you asleep in front of my door at five o’clock in the morning?”

I run an anxious hand through my hair and try to come up with something that makes some kind of sense.

“Victoria’s pregnant,” I blurt out.

Real fucking good, J. Just blow shit right out of the water. She’s really going to talk to you now! Fuck!

Her face hardens and she pushes past me. Her back is to me as she tries to find the right key for the door.

“Go home, Jace. I don’t know why you’re here to rub my face in this shit, but whatever the reason is, I’m not letting you do it. I just had the single best night of my life and I’m not allowing you to ruin it for me. Just go, Jace.”

I grab her by the wrist and spin her around to face me.

“I need you to talk to me, Jess. Do you hear me? I. Need. You.”

She stills for a moment, considering my words. Then she looks down at my hand wrapped around her wrist.

“Let me go, Jace,” she says quietly.

“I don’t know how,” I whisper, and then release her wrist.

Our eyes meet and I can see her resolve weakening.

“Dammit all to hell, Jace Collins! Why are you doing this? Why, just why? This is not a game and I’m not a toy. Why are you doing this to me? I can’t handle it.” She covers her face with her hands and shakes her head back and forth.

“I know and I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry! I’m confused and I don’t know which way is coming or going anymore. I don’t love her like I love you. How am I supposed to make a life with her and have a family with her if I love you? Tell me, Jess, how?”

She drops her hands to her sides and looks at me. I can’t read her face as we stand silently. She inhales and looks up to the ceiling before fixing her gaze on me again.

“I can’t answer those questions for you. I just can’t. All I know is that nothing ever goes right for us. Something always comes between us and we’re never able to stop it. If Victoria is pregnant, then you have to accept that. She is your fiancé. You have been with her for years. Us falling back into each other’s lives, crashing into each other like atomic bombs hasn’t done anything but wreck the life you were living. Don’t you see that?”

“No, I don’t see that. I see that I was slapped into reality. My life was a fraud, a fake. I got together with Victoria because it was easy, because she was there and she was persistent and she took my mind off of you. My mom liked her and she was the type of girl everyone said I was ‘supposed’ to be with. But I’m not in love with her. My mother had no qualms about pushing you out of my life and no thought about what I actually wanted or how I felt. She still doesn’t. She has deceived me over and over again, and the woman that’s carrying my child is a stranger to me. But when I look at you, all I see is home.”

I step in closer to her, needing to touch her, to make her understand the truth of what I’m telling her, but she backs away from me. It’s like a knife slicing through my heart.

“No, don’t. Don’t you dare come any closer to me, Jace Collins. I’m not letting you seduce me with all of your charm and smooth talking.”

She’s serious. I’ve never seen her like this before.

“What’s the matter with you, Jess? You look different.”

She fastens her eyes on me and cripples me with one sentence.

“I look different? Maybe that’s because you don’t know what I look like when I’m not in love with you.”

The hallway suddenly feels smaller and the walls feel like they’re closing in on me.

“You don’t love me anymore?” I whisper, stunned.

Tears roll down her face and splash to the floor.

“No, Jace, I do love you. I’ll always love you. Nothing could ever change that, no matter what happens in our lives. But I can’t hold on to a love that will never work. Being in love with you hurts and it’s unhealthy. Being in love with you is like a drug with me. It’s all wrong, regardless of how right it feels when we’re together.” Her chin quivers and all I want to do is reach out and wrap my arms around her. “Years have separated us and our lives have gone on. Even though some things have stayed the same, so many things have changed. I can’t get better with you. I just can’t. I know and recognize that now. You want to save me, to fix me, but I don’t want a fixer.” Her voice cracks, despite how strong she’s trying to be. “When we were teenagers it was different. I’ll never forget those days, but in the meantime life has happened and we can’t erase it. I can’t be your charity case girlfriend and you can’t be my handyman boyfriend who’s constantly trying to put me back together. Plus, I’m going to mess up. When I do, you won’t like it. And, slowly but surely, you’ll hate me. I don’t want that for us.”

Every word cuts deep.

“Are you in love with him?” I ask, even though I know the answer. He’s the reason her eyes are happy.

“Yes,” she says, so quietly I can barely hear her.

“Are you happy?” She looks at me and her face softens at my question.

“I’m closer to happy than I ever have been, I think.”

My head is thumping and tears are burning my eyes. I try hard to fight them back, but I fail. One tear falls and she lunges forward, wrapping her arms around me tightly. I hug her back just as hard and we cry together. We cry for our past, for our lost child, for our lost love, and we cry for each other’s pain.

“You’re going to be an amazing dad, Jace,” she sobs and sniffles into my neck.

I hold her tighter, trying to memorize the feel of her in my arms. I inhale the scent of her hair and try to imprint every detail into my mind.

“I’ll love you forever, Jess.”

I release her from the embrace and place a kiss on my fingers. I press my fingers to her soft lips and say, “Forever.”

She doesn’t say anything as I walk away. I can hear sobs echo throughout the hallway, but they get softer as I get farther away. It’s over. Me and Jess are over. The finality of it wraps around my neck and nearly chokes me.

I’m sitting in the driveway at Victoria’s house, completely at a loss for what to say to her. The last few weeks expand and contract in my mind, and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to sort through everything I’m feeling right now. My phone starts to buzz and her front door swings open all at once. She’s on her phone and I realize it’s me she’s calling. As soon as she sees me in the driveway, she hangs up. She’s crying and looks frantic. I open the door quickly and go to her.

“What’s the matter? What is it?”

“It’s your mom, Jace. It’s bad. They must’ve got our numbers mixed up or something. They called mine looking for you. We have to go there now.”

“Get in,” I say.

I back up and whip out of the driveway as fast as I can. We sit in silence the entire way to the hospital. As soon as we pull in and park, we get out and rush in. When we reach my mother’s room, the doctor stops me before I go in.

“Mr. Collins?”

“Yes, is my mom okay? What’s the matter?”

The doctor’s somber face says it all. I know. I can feel it. I push past him and open the door. Nurses are unhooking wires, removing IVs and shutting off machines. There’s no more beeping. The room’s quiet. I turn back to the doctor.

“What happened? I was just here yesterday and she was fine. How did this happen?” I plead.

“Her brain started bleeding, and we were unable to stop it before it was too late. This can happen with this type of surgery. I’m so sorry, Mr. Collins.”

I look at a crying Victoria and picture our baby she’s carrying. I look at my mother lying in the bed, cold, lifeless. It’s all too much.

“I need some air.” I bolt out of the room, walking down the hall as fast as I can before breaking into a full-on run. My legs can’t carry me fast enough. I reach the exit, push past the doors, and keep running until I reach my car. My hands rest on the hood, which is still warm from our trip over here. I’m trying to catch my breath, but there are so many things rolling around in my head, overwhelming me; none of them make sense.

“Jace, are you okay? What do you need me to do? Whatever you need, just ask.”

I look up and it’s Vic. For the first time in a long time, she looks kind and all of her hardened edges are softer. She really did care about my mother. I can see that now. I just shake my head. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” She gently places her hand on my shoulder.