Thicker Than Water (23 page)

Sasha sat on the edge of her bed staring at the wall thinking of how everything had gotten so crazy. The worst thing in the world had to be Kim’s death. It seemed like nobody knew anything. All they had was that crazy ass message she left E that no one could barely understand.

She thought back to her many memories of Kim, her laugh, her jokes, her smile, her heart. She tried to not cry again but she couldn’t help it. She had lost one of her best friends. The tears rolled down her face as she looked at a picture on her dresser of the four of them from her family’s barbecue just last month. The one person that she needed to comfort her was in jail.

Yes, her baby’s father was in jail for damn near beating her other friend to death, why because they were fucking, and she found out. It was too much to handle. And Sasha knew this funeral would be the same.

She hopped in the shower, allowing the warm water to blend with her warm tears. She held on to her flat stomach knowing that if she didn’t make a decision about it soon, it wouldn’t be flat for long. She knew the right thing to do, especially with all of the chaos would be to just have an abortion. Although she didn’t sit up in church every Sunday, and she had taken Kim to three of her abortions, she just couldn’t see herself doing that.

She thought on it some more and decided she would give herself another week. She got out of the shower and walked into her bedroom, careful to ignore all of the overturned pictures of Chauncey. She dressed in a black knee length sundress and could barely manage to comb out her wrap before breaking down again. She couldn’t wait for Tatum to come get her so they could get this shit over with.

Tatum remained in a daze the whole morning; she hadn’t cried or even spoken a word since she’d woken up. Ree helped her get herself together and he even helped get Chanel and Tangee ready. He had been a big help to her and although Tatum had some reservations about the fact that he said he had nothing to do with her brother getting shot at that day, the fact was that her brother was safely behind bars and alive. So for now, that was one situation she didn’t have to worry about.

After everybody was all ready, Ree drove his black Benz to go pick up Sasha. He looked over at Tatum frequently and felt so bad for her. It was hard to lose a friend, and worse for Tatum, because she had no family, so her friends were her family. Sasha walked slowly out of her apartment complex where Lizette and Marie were standing. She thought of the last time they were standing there it was about two months ago, Tatum was picking her up and they were going shopping. They’d seen Ree downtown and Tatum and him had set their first date, it seemed like yesterday. It was a happier moment, but now. Now they were all going to their best friend’s funeral.

Kim’s funeral was packed. Every nigga and female from Newark, Jersey City, Bayonne, and Elizabeth seemed to be up in tiny St. Andrews. Neli was there in a wheelchair with Ray. Blair was there. Of course, Kim’s family. And even D.Gunna came, and he actually looked really hurt. Tatum managed to crack a half smile as a tear rolled down her face.
I guess you wasn’t lying yellow bitch about fucking D. Gunna.
She could almost hear her responding.
I told you! CBP!
Tatum bowed her head.

The pastor spoke beautiful words during the sermon, and Sasha sang a beautiful rendition of One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey. Tatum looked back over her shoulder and saw Neli crying hysterically through the song. Kim’s mother broke down and had to be carried out. Blair seemed to be almost overcome with grief. He didn’t cry, he didn’t move, he just stared at her casket. It was all so unreal.

As Blair sat there, not caring about anyone and what they thought of him being there, he wondered what could have become of Kim if she hadn’t been so wrapped up into the fast life. It seemed that the very things that attracted him to her seemed to credit to her demise. He wondered if maybe he would have molded the young beautiful black girl instead of using her for his sexual pleasure, that maybe she would have recognized something in herself that would have given her more confidence in so many other aspects to herself besides her body. She was so young. Too, too young to be put down to rest forever.

The service seemed to drag, and as they all walked out into the summer heat and bright sun, Tatum realized that their once foursome had suddenly become a duo. She closed her eyes tight and prayed that when she opened them she would just be waking up, but when she opened them, she was still standing there seeing all the people in black talking amongst themselves. This all was really happening.

As Ree went to get the car, Tatum and Sash stood there talking to a couple of people from around the way. Sasha opened her legs slightly and fanned the top of her dress. The heat was just like everything else about this day, miserable. Sasha looked to the right of her and saw Kim’s mother, Ms. Williams, approaching them. Tatum and Sasha both greeted her with a hug as her face twisted up once again in an indescribable pain. Her only daughter in the whole world was gone, at the tender age of 19, and she was taking in such a violent and horrible manner.

“You know girls… I really appreciate everything that you two have done.”

Between Sasha’s parents and money Tatum had gotten from Ree, they had helped a great deal with the funeral.

“I don’t know what I would have done without yall. I didn’t have no life insurance or nothing.” Tatum and Sasha just looked on as she rambled. “I know I should, but you know. I never expected to bury my baby.” Then she broke down again. Her son quickly rushed over to grab her as Tatum and Sasha tried to hold her up. “Oh lord, why my baby?” She cried. Tatum once again closed her eyes.

After the burial and reception, Tatum and Ree dropped Sasha off at her apartment. They asked if she wanted to come with them to Ree’s and stay a couple of days, but she declined. The last thing Sasha wanted to do was be around two people in love, not right now. She just wanted to be alone, and be sad.

The minute she stepped in her door her phone was ringing off the hook. Just as she managed to wiggle her key out of the lock, it stopped, and then began ringing immediately after again. She knew it was only one person that it could be, a person who could only dial a land line because her cell phone did not take collect calls. A person who had been calling all day, and the day before.
How many calls did he get anyway?
She ignored the ringing phone because she couldn’t stand hearing his pitiful voice when he spoke his name in the time allotted. Well, the last few times he called he had filled in those slots with little messages. They went something like “You have a collect call from an inmate at the Essex County Jail, “Princess I love you.” Or “Please let me explain,” will you accept?” The very last time, and the last time she answered, his name was “Please don’t kill our baby.” She almost accepted that one just to cuss his ass out, but she didn’t. She switched off the ringer on the phone and slipped off her strappy sandals. Then as she was sliding off her dress, her cell phone began ringing. She looked at the screen for a moment not recognizing the number, unsure of whether to answer or not. Finally she figured that it may be Ree’s house number and she picked up. Big mistake!

“Sasha. I know that what I did was unforgivable. But you gotta understand what happened. Me and Neli was never nothing, it was just sex.”

It killed Sasha to hear him say him and Neli, as if the two names belonged together.

“Okay Chauncey,” she said, on the verge of tears again. “Okay, I understand now. You proposed to me, and then you went and fucked one of my best friends. But it was just sex. Hmph, as if I didn’t give you enough of that.”

Chauncey cradled the cell phone between his shoulder and his ear, and held up 10 fingers to the guard representing the 10 minutes he needed to try to explain shit to Sasha. He knew that in 10 minutes he couldn’t get her forgiveness, but maybe he could convince her to keep their baby. That’s what he desperately wanted. He lay awake all night last night imagining him and Sash, and their baby. He just needed to convince her and then get a good ass lawyer to beat this charge.

The guard nodded and walked away, he was already cool with Chaunc, giving him special privileges and granting requests, all because of who he was. Ah, the power of money and respect.

“Sash, baby it aint even like that. I don’t know how to explain it. The first time was a mistake, back at Chris’ bachelor party, baby I was drunk as hell. And then everything after that, I swear, I aint want nothing to do with her. She just kept threatening to tell you. She said one last time and she promised she was gonna leave it alone. I just thought fuck it, one last time, and then it could be me and you.”

“Baby, everybody fucked her. I swear, it wasn’t nothing. That’s why I left before. I just couldn’t stand doing that to you. But I couldn’t stay away from you.”

“No fuck that Chauncey! You couldn’t stay away from her! You left me just so you wouldn’t feel bad about fucking her? You are so fucking selfish. And then you were still fucking her? What the fuck? Like am I missing something, what were you thinking?”

Again he had dug himself deeper. He thought of how hurt she must be right now, she was cursing. She didn’t even curse like that. She couldn’t curse, she sounded silly. He sucked his teeth at the way the conversation was going.

“Look Sash, listen to this shit right now! I’m gonna tell you some real shit and you may not believe it, you may not wanna hear it, and you probably wont forgive me. Shit, you’ll probably hate me the rest of ya fucking life. And that’s cool that’s what I deserve. But know this shit, I’m gonna go down as the nigga who told you that real. A nigga fucks up, a lot. All of ‘em. They all fuck bitches, they all lie, they all cheat. Sometimes they stop, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they get caught, and sometimes they don’t. But that shit don’t mean nothing. It don’t mean shit. It’s like second fucking nature. But once you get caught out there, and you sorry. Like really, really sorry, that shit kills you. That shit hurts more than what you feeling right now, ma.”

She went to protest but he stopped her.

“Nah, let me finish. I’m hurting more than you can even fucking imagine right now. You know why baby? Because I love you. And when I say that shit, I don’t mean that shit like all these niggas and bitches be saying that shit to each other, then they turn around and say it again to another mothafucka! Nah, I love you, I love you like I love the fucking blood in my fucking veins, like you the fucking bones in my body. I love you with all my fucking heart, nah fuck that you are my heart. You are my heart girl. Nothing can ever, ever be bigger than you.”

She didn’t know what to say, again. It seemed to be a habit of hers lately.

“Chauncey I love you too. But I can’t forgive this, like you fucked my best friend. Repeatedly. How would that look?”

He looked up at a nigga walking into his cell that was looking at him, one look at Chaunc and he quickly turned his eyes straight ahead.

“Princess… Sasha,” he corrected himself. “I don’t give a fuck how it looks. I mean I know it was fucked up, baby it was so, so fucked up and I know. But I didn’t want to I swear. It was just me making a dumb ass decision to keep you from finding out about that one time, which that was a big ass mistake. But baby, you not being with me aint gonna change the fact that I love you and you love me. What you gonna go get somebody else that wont cheat? Baby I won’t cheat. So why not stay wit me? I wont hurt you again, and I think you know I wouldn’t, you just think that this is what you’re supposed to do. But punishing me, its not gonna change anything. I’m still gonna want you, and you still gonna want me.”

She felt dizzy from his words. He was always capable of making her think. He always made her feel like they were the only two people in the world who spoke the same language. He was so mystifying. But he was poison.

The guard returned with a look that Chauncey knew meant he had to get off soon. There must’ve been another guard coming or something.

“I don’t know Chauncey,” she spoke softly, about to crush his hopes. He cut her off.

“I know baby. Listen, just think on it. I know I hurt you and I know it’ll take a miracle to make it right. But I’ll spend my life on that, because I know I can never feel with nobody else what I felt with you.” She remained quiet and he knew she was crying. He felt so powerless behind these bars, he couldn’t even comfort her. “How was the funeral?”

She sniffed.

“It was-It was bad Chauncey. It was so bad.”

He bowed his head and shook it lightly. Although he didn’t care for Kim much, he felt bad for Sash and Tatum, not to mention her family. Plus Kim really did love her friends, and she was a real chick. She didn’t deserve to go out like that. The guard held out his hand for the phone. Right as Chauncey was about to wrap it up with Sash, she asked him one last question.

“What made you do that to her?”

Chauncey wanted to explain that as well, and prove to Sash that Neli was a grimey ass chick; she had to be for him to damn near kill her. But he couldn’t speak on that, especially not now. Not on a guard’s phone, hell no!