Thin Ice (11 page)

“Yes Dylan, your s’mores are the best anyones ever tasted! You should open up a bakery and strictly sell microwaved s’mores. Your mom would be so proud!”

“Even though I sense the sarcasm, I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

He gets up and throws away what’s left on the plate, and then comes back to sit with me as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and I lay on his chest. We stay like that until the movie is over and I wonder what’s going to happen next. Surely he won’t expect anything from me tonight, right? I’m definitely not ready for
that
 yet. I don’t even like looking at myself naked. I’d never be able to stand in front of him like that.  

“Alright beautiful. I have practice in the morning so I better get going. Are you okay here by yourself? When is Tegan coming back?”

Crisis averted. However I don’t know if I’m happy or sad about it. “Yea I’ll be fine. She comes back on Sunday, and I have work tomorrow morning.”

“Maybe I’ll stop by after I get out of practice?”

“I’d like that.”

He kisses me goodbye and heads out to his jeep.

I go get ready to wash up for bed and as soon as I enter the bathroom I stop and look in the mirror. Turning to the side and lifting up my shirt, I realize that s’more was a very bad decision. There is no reason I should be eating like that. I should have came up with a better excuse. My stomach looks like it expanded a few inches, and I cringe as I grab the flab of skin around my belly button. I wish I could just carve it off. Like ice. Just chip away at it until I can see my hip bones that I’ve always wanted to be able to see. Maybe even take some off in between my thighs so I can have somewhat of a thigh gap. I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to not have your legs touch when you walk.

Grabbing my toothbrush, I utilize the fastest way to get that marshmallow concoction out of my system. I lift the lid of the toilet and stick the toothbrush down my throat. One gag, two gags, and just like I knew it would, my stomach releases its contents on the third gag. Suddenly my head feels a bit dizzy, but I know it will pass after a few minutes. My eyes distort the room and my vision goes momentarily black. I lay down on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and wait for it to pass.

“Elli? Elli!”

Suddenly two familiar strong arms are holding me up and tapping my cheeks. My eyes start to open and I see Dylan above me with an extreme look of concern. Then I realize I’m still laying on the bathroom floor. Well, this definitely doesn’t look good. My head is throbbing and I don’t even know what to say. What would make this look less bad? Probably nothing, but I have to try, right? But when I look back at Dylan, I know that’d be useless. Apparently I forgot to flush the toilet when I passed out, and I still have the toothbrush in my hand.

It’s then, in this moment, that I realize I’m sick. Like, really sick.
No amount of someone telling me ‘it’ll be ok’ is going to help me right now
. And anything that’s left in me finds it’s way streaming from my eyes, down my cheeks and onto the cold, tile floor. As much as I try to hold it back, my eyes betray me and speak the unspoken truth. Tears that speak of years of hiding. I know I mentioned it to Tegan, but this is different. Having Dylan see me in the act makes it real. Something I can’t fully hide from anymore. Something is wrong with me, and now Dylan knows. If he runs away now, I wouldn’t blame him.  I’d commend him on knowing that he got out of a crazy, messed up situation.

As the tears cloud my vision, suddenly the toothbrush is taken from my hand and I’m being carried to my bed. Dylan lays next to me and holds me close. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t look at me like i’m insane, and as he wraps one hand around my body, he uses the other one to smooth my hair. It’s comforting, and again, I feel safe. I cry my eyes out for what seems like hours until sleep envelops me. Somehow having Dylan here at night isn’t so bad anymore. But this is not how I pictured it going, even in the least bit.

Dylan

When I realized I forgot my wallet at Elli’s, I was only just turning out of her complex. I turned around, parked and ran back up her stairs. Knocking a few times, I start to worry when there is no answer. I might be over reacting, but there is no way she fell asleep that fast. I knock a few more times and still nothing. A bit of panic surges through me and I start to pound on the door telling Elli it’s only me. I start looking for a spare key and when I feel the ridged metal on top of the door frame, I grab it and walk in, calling Elli’s name. When she doesn’t answer I go into her room and see the bathroom light on. I run over and witness the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Her lifeless body on the floor with a toothbrush in her hand. I rush to her side and see that she’s still breathing.

“Elli! Elli, wake up!”

I’m just about to call for help when her eyes start to open and she becomes aware of the situation. After the shock wears off, she deflates in my arms and just starts to tear up. Then, she’s not just crying. She’s releasing herself of everything she’s been hiding.

I pick her up and bring her to the bed. This isn’t the time for talking, so I just let her cry. She lays on my chest and I can feel the water from her tears through my shirt. I smooth her hair with my hand and a few minutes later her breathing evens out and she’s sleeping. Despite not wanting to, I gently move out from under her to go clean the bathroom. As soon as I finish, I go lock the front door. A flood of questions and concerns is jumbled up in my head and I don’t even know where to start. But I won’t worry about that now. I take out my phone and text coach that I had a family emergency and I can’t make it to practice in the morning. I grab Elli’s phone off of her nightstand and text Tegan.

Hey its Dylan. Elli’s sick and I need to tell her boss she can’t come in tomorrow. You know who to talk to?

About one minute later, Elli’s phone starts vibrating in my hand and Tegan’s picture pops up. I press talk on the second ring.

“Dylan?”

“Yea it’s me. Hey Tegan.”

“What’s wrong with Elli? Is she ok?”

“I’m not sure it’s my place to tell. She’s sleeping now but I’m not leaving.”

“Oh God Dylan! What happened. Please tell me!”

I’m silent for a moment before Tegan answers her own question.

“She made herself sick didn’t she?”

“So you know?”

“Ughhhh! Dammit Elli! She told me she doesn’t do it anymore. I should have known better. Dammit. Alright well I can’t leave until tomorrow. Are you sure you can stay with her Dylan?”

“Of course. She mentioned she has work tomorrow though and I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to go. I’m not overstepping here right?”

“No, no. Not at all. I’ll call my friend who can cover for her.”

“Okay good.”

“Hey Dylan?”

“Yea?”

“Please don’t mess with her. If this is something that….”

I cut her off. “There’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere Tegan. I promise.”

“I trust you Dylan. Maybe you can get through to her.”

“I hope so. Thanks Tegan.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.

We hang up and I walk back into Elli’s room. For a second I just watch her.  Her hair is fanned out behind her head and she looks so peacefull. This beautiful girl. How can she not see that? I climb back into bed with her and pull her close. She curls up to me and I pull the blankets over us. Damn this girl has a lot of pillows.

Sleep doesn’t come easily, but I feel relaxed with her in my arms. This beautiful girl, who’s hurting in ways I can’t even wrap my head around.

Dylan

I wake up first, and Elli is still sleeping. I don’t move. I want to stay right here with her and let her relax for as long as she needs. I have a feeling today is not going to be easy for her. After a few minutes of watching her rest, in a non-creeper way, she starts to stir. She opens her eyes that are red from crying and slowly  looks up at me. She's confused at first, and then realization hits her as she remembers what happened. She takes a deep breath and then closes her eyes. I kiss both of her eyelids, letting her know it’s going to be okay.

“Goodmorning beautiful.”

“Dylan I’m sor..”

“Shhhh. Don’t apologize. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

“Wait, dammit what time is it? I’m going to be late for work!”

She goes to move and I pull her back to me. “Hey, it’s ok. I called Tegan and she got someone to cover for you. I hope youre not mad, but I thought you should take a day off.”

She relaxes a little and nods her head.

“Elli, how long has this been going on?”

“Since high school.”

She’s quiet for a few minutes and I let her think.

“Dylan, I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me after this.”

“I wish you would realize I’m not going anywhere. I promise. Just help me understand so I can help you and be there for you.”

“I’m not sure how to describe it. I just feel disgusted with myself.”

I look down at her and even though she’s not crying, the hurt in her eyes says more than words.

She continues with her thoughts. “I’ve never really fit in anywhere, you know? In school I was more mature for my age. I didn’t drink or party and I cared about my grades. And at home, my brother plays hockey, my sister is skinny no matter what she eats, and I was always just the out of shape sister. I threw myself into my work and made sure that at least if I’m big, no one can take the things I accomplished away. It came to a point where I worked myself to death, and I still blamed all my stress on my weight. Figured if I lost it, things would get easier. Then I just became obsessed with trying to lose weight. For a while, it was just about working out a lot. Then it became more and more about food and I just stopped eating all together. I started getting extreme anxiety attacks and couldn’t sit through a whole day of school without hiding out in my car until it passed. It was easy to hide. No one at school paid attention and since I worked a lot I wasn’t home all that often. No one ever questioned it. Then I stopped losing weight and just started to get dizzy all the time. When I came to school here, I wanted to get better, but I still have a fear of food and of eating in front of people. I feel like if I’m not eating something healthy, then it’s wrong and I need to get it out of my system before it does any damage.”

I pull the covers off of us and she looks confused. “Where do you think the problem is? Point it out to me.”

She looks down, but she doesn’t move. “Everywhere. My stomach, my chest, my legs, my arms.”

“I don’t see any problems Elli. I see a beautiful girl, who no one has ever paid attention to. I see someone who’s been continuously hurt. Someone who people are afraid of because you’re a threat; talented, beautiful, kind, successful. Hell I can go on for ages. Somewhere along the lines you became your own worst enemy, and that’s probably the worst part.”

A few tears stream down her face and I wipe them away with my thumb. This can’t be easy for her to admit, and I doubt Tegan knows this much of the truth.  

“Elli, things will get better. I’m not going to let you go through this alone, ok? You have me and Tegan and we’re going to get you through this. It’s not going to happen overnight, but it will get better. Got it?”

Still not speaking, she nods her head and I pull her closer to me. “Tell you what, since we both have the day off, lets just stay here and relax. Watch some movies in bed.”

“What about your practice? You can’t miss that for me! I would never ask you to do that!”

“Here’s the thing Elli, you don’t have to ask. I want to, and you can’t convince me otherwise.”

“But..”

“But nothing. I already texted coach.”

That seems to end the argument and we’re silent for a few minutes. I’d be totally fine if she fell back asleep. Hell, after a night and morning like that, she has to be exhausted. However, she has to be hungry too, since I’m pretty sure whatever she ate yesterday is no longer in her system.

“I’m going to make us something for breakfast and we can eat it in here. Is that okay?”

“Yea. It’s okay. I can help though.”

“Why don’t you take a few minutes for you? I know that was a lot for you to talk about. You can pick out our first movie.”

“Okay.”

I start to get up from the bed and make my way to the kitchen when she calls after me.

“Hey, Dylan?”

I turn around and take a few steps back to her. “Yea?”

“Thank you. For noticing.”

Elli

It’s been a week since that day with Dylan. Tegan came home that afternoon to both of us asleep, and when we woke up, she had dinner waiting. We talked about getting me some help to deal with my anxiety, and I have a doctor's appointment today after work. I’ve also been going with Dylan to the park before class instead of going to the gym. Tegan comes too, sometimes, but getting her up that early is downright impossible.

It’s been really nice to start my days with Dylan. He doesn’t pry and he acts like everything is ok. Which is refreshing because I would hate if he started judging me by my past. When I told him as much, his reply was so simple.