Thin Ice (12 page)

“We’re not living in the past Elli. We’ve got nothing but the present, and to look forward to the future, and ours is looking pretty bright.”

I got a call from my mom yesterday. Turns out Chris called my dad and the team agreed on traveling down here for the Thanksgiving tournament Chris planned. My brother and dad are going to stay in the hotel with the rest of the team, and my mom and sister are coming along so they can see me and we can spend Thanksgiving together like we always do with the team. I also mentioned how I was thinking about getting the chest reduction surgery and she was all for it. She’s taking off of work and coming down to stay with me during winter break in December. I only get two weeks since I’m in the accelerated program, but that’s all I should need for the recovery. Then when I mentioned Dylan, she started to freak out, in a good way. A million questions later and she now sounds more excited to meet him than she is to see me.

When I get out of class and head over to the doctors, my phone goes off with a text from Dylan as I sit in the waiting room.

Mr.Hockey: Hey you <3 Call me when you get out and let me know how it went. I have practice right now, but if you need anything just call me. I’ll check my phone as much as I can.

Me: I’m sure I’ll be fine, hopefully. But yea i’ll let you know. Thanks Dylan <3

Mr. Hockey: You will be fine. I promise.

“Elli Uccello?”

I look up to see the nurse, indicating for me to follow her to an exam room and once we’re there, she starts the game I hate most.

“So why are we here today, Elli?

“Umm.” I look down at my hands and see that I started picking again. I remember what Dylan said about being fine and I look back up and answer. “I get really bad anxiety, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay. I’m going to take your blood pressure and weight, and then the doctor will be right in.”

“Weigh me?”

“Yup.” She puts a strap around my arm and starts pumping air into it. She looks at the dial she’s holding and then slowly releases the pressure on my arm. She records it in my file and then we walk over to the scale. My heart starts racing. I haven’t weighed myself since high school, and I’m pretty sure nothing has changed. I step on and she starts moving the two levers, one indicating pounds by the hundred, and the other per single pound. I watch intently as she plays with the two. Then I decide I don’t want to know, so I look up at the ceiling. But she must not see my hesitation because she calls out the number like it’s nothing.

“167.”

I look down and then over to the nurse. Surely that can’t be right. “Are you sure?”

“Yup. The Doctor will be in to talk with you in a few minutes.” She records the number in my file and leaves the room. 167? Theres no way. Last time I weighed myself I was 205. My mom always told me it’s because I have a lot of muscle but I never thought so. Before I have a chance to think anymore about it, there’s a knock at the door and the doctor comes in.

“Hello Elli, I’m Dr. Swartz. How are we doing today?

         “Okay.”

“So it says we’re here for anxiety, is that correct?” He takes a seat in the chair next to the exam table I’m sitting on and instead of looking down at my file, he puts it to the side and looks straight at me. There’s something about him that I like. He looks like he’s in his late forties, possibly early fifties, has gray hair that’s combed over and he’s wearing black rimmed glasses.

“Yes. I get anxiety attacks a lot.  I also get a lot of dizzy spells where I black out for a few seconds.

“Tell me a little bit about yourself Elli. Do you go to school?”

“I go to Winter Park University. I’m studying Digital Art and Design in the accelerated program.”

“I heard about that program. You get your Bachelor’s in two years, right? That’s got to be stressful.”

“It’s not bad. There are moments when I don’t remember the last time I slept, but that’s college, right?” That was meant as a joke, but realizing how true it is makes my smile falter a bit.

“So what do you do besides school?”

“Um, well I’m usually always in school since I work there when I don’t have class. I don’t drink or party. I’m kind of boring. I go to my…” Is Dylan my boyfriend? We haven’t put a label on it and he hasn’t called me his girlfriend. “I go to my friends hockey games sometimes.”

“Well it sounds to me like you don’t have a lot of free time. I see here in your file you’ve lost some weight. Was that intentional or is it from stress?”

“Both I guess.”

Suddenly, my fingers feel wet, and I look down to see my thumb bleeding. The doctor follows my gaze and looks back up at me. Without saying anything, he gets up, grabs a wipe and band aid and starts cleaning my hands.

“Elli, is there something else going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“Considering how much skin you’re missing from your fingers, I’d say there’s something else on your mind.”

Finally a doctor has noticed something is wrong. Even if I lie right now, I’m pretty sure he’ll see right through me.

“Just so you know Elli, anything you say to me is completely confidential.”

“I make myself sick sometimes. It’s not as often as it used to be, but I have the urge to do it a lot.”

He nods his head like he knew what I was going to say. “Tell you what Elli. I’m going to put you on something called Lexapro. It’s anti-anxiety and depression. We’re going to start with that. I want to see you back here in three weeks. By then, it should take effect and you should start to feel a little bit better. They’re not magic happy pills. What they do is take your anxiety level down a few notches so it’s controllable. Now, if you have the urge to make yourself sick, I want you to call me. I don’t believe you need to be put into a treatment center, because you’re here, asking for help. But if things get bad, we’ll look into it. We’re going to beat this, okay? You’re a strong girl and I believe in you. ”

“Okay.”

He gives me a piece of paper and in very messy handwriting I see it’s my prescription, and his number. We exit the room and before I leave I schedule my next appointment with him. When I get home, I see Dylan’s jeep parked next to my usual spot and I rush up to my apartment. I get up to the three flight of stairs, and my door opens revealing a smiling Dylan, his arms opened up to me. I run right to him and just let him comfort me.

Getting help is something I never thought I would do and it wouldn’t have happened without him.

“My turn.” Suddenly I’m being pulled from Dylan into Tegan’s arms and I hug her a little tighter than necessary.

“Alright missy. What happened?” she says.

We sit on the couch and I tell them about the appointment, and I also mention that I’m officially scheduling the breast reduction surgery for Christmas break. I’m hesitant to mention my chest in front of Dylan, but I know I won’t be able to hide being on bed rest for a week. As I explain it all, Dylan’s arm wraps around my shoulder and I feel like everything I’m doing is right.

“Thank you guys. Seriously, I wouldn’t have gotten help if it wasn’t for both of you.”

Instead of saying anything, I’m wrapped in a death gripping hug, by the guy I never thought I would meet in a million years.  

After we make a healthy dinner, I tell them about the hockey tournament my family is coming down for and they’re excited to meet them. Tegan’s excited for them to see how much progress I’ve made, but I
won’t
 tell her that I don’t think it will matter. I’m going to concentrate on right now, and right now, as I lay next to Dylan and look out at Tegan sitting across from us, as we watch TV, I’m actually excited about my future.

But I should know better then to get my hopes up.

Dylan

I’m so proud of her.

This broken girl is putting herself back together just like I knew she would. And what makes it even better, is she’s letting me help. That part right there shows me she’s stronger than ever. Her family is coming down this week for that Thanksgiving hockey tournament Chris planned, and last night she was Skyping with her brother while I was over. We talked a lot of hockey. Who would make it to the Stanley Cup this year, the trades we think should happen and the draft I’m hoping to get into. He asked if I could practice with him and his team while they were here and Elli seemed so happy that her brother had someone to talk to.

“You’re a positive influence Dylan. It means a lot to me that you got along so well with him.”

“He’s a good kid, and he’s your brother. Of course I would.”

For some reason, when her brother mentioned her dad just got home from work, she said she had to go and said goodbye. Her brother seemed to understand. I didn’t think anything of it, but she was a little off the rest of the night.

I have a game tonight and Elli took off of work so she could come. She’s bringing Tegan along and we might go out to the Ale House afterwards with some of the guys from the team, but that’s completely up to her. She’s doing so well and I’m not going to derail her progress.

As I get changed in the locker room, the guys are blasting some of their techno music while I listen to my ipod. Elli sent me some songs she thinks I would like, and I’m not just paying attention to the way they sound. I’m actually listening to the lyrics. There’s one song she sent me that makes me so happy, because I know that’s how she’s feeling. They sing about having scars on their future hearts but they never look back.

As I lace up my skates, I see the rest of the team putting the last of their gear on and I smile. This is my team, and I’m doing something I love. Even if I don’t make it into the draft, I’ll never stop playing. It’s something I love and when I play, I know it’s where I should be
;
 
a
nd with Elli in the stands, everything is perfect.

“Alright boys, this is our last game before half you knuckleheads go home to eat till you pass out. Let’s make it count. I’m thankful for all you guys and I couldn’t ask for a better team.”

“Gayyyyyyyyyy”

“You sound like a chick dude.”

“Where are your figure skates?!”

Looking down and shaking my head I add “I take back my last statement. I’m asking coach for a new team.”

“Yea and you would miss us too much!”

“You would get your ass handed to you!”

As they continue their banter, coach comes out and looks around as silence falls across the room in a sign of respect. We all know Coach is the reason for our success, and without him, we would be no where.

“Alright boys listen up. I’ve got some good news. Our captain over here has attracted some attention from some very important people who happen to be here tonight. So let’s make sure we all play our asses off tonight. Got it?”

A chorus of “Yes sir!” rounds the room and we’re all making our way towards the ice. I’m suddenly nervous. Coach didn’t tell me anyone was coming tonight. But when I step on the ice and look up towards Elli’s seats, all my nerves fade away. She’s wearing my Wolves sweatshirt which has a Giant number 8 on the back. I gave it to her when she asked how she should introduce me to her family.

“I mean, I don’t know if. I mean. Ughh what I’m trying to say is we never really said we were but umm…”

“Elli, your rambling.” I took hold of her waist and looked straight into her eyes. “When you meet my parents, I’m introducing you as my beautiful girlfriend. And just so we’re clear, I better be introduced as your devilishly handsome boyfriend.”

A smile creeps across her face, as well as a feeling of relief. “Devilishly handsome, huh?”

“If you prefer ‘most gorgeous man on the planet’ I’d be okay with that too.”

“Hmmmm, I’ll have to talk to Jensen Ackels about that one, but I’ll get back to you.”

I look down at her and raise an eyebrow. “Jensen Ackels, huh? I’m going to have to have a word with him.”

“Can I come when you do? I’d love to tell him in person!”

“That’s it.” I pick her up and toss her on the couch and tickle wherever her hands aren’t trying to block me.

“No! Dylan stop! No Ahhh!”

“Who’s the most gorgeous man on the planet?”

“You are! I swear its you! I was just kidding! Ahh! Stop! Please!”

My hands rest on her hips and I kiss her long and hard. When we pull apart, she smiles up at me and this smile reaches her eyes.

It’s that same smile I’m currently looking at in the stands.
It’s genuine and it makes me feel like I’m worth a whole hell of a lot more than just some hockey player trying to impress some scouts. And no matter what happens tonight, I know that Elli will be waiting for me, and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

“You played amazing! I think that was your best game all season!  I mean, not that you aren’t amazing in every other game, but this one was like you were, ugghhh I don’t even know how to describe it! I’m rambling, I know, but I’m so happy for you!”

With my arm draped around Elli’s shoulder as we walk out of the rink, I listen to her and smile. The looks
C
oach was giving me in the locker room justifies everything Elli is currently saying.  Tegan is trailing behind us talking to Anderson, and I’m glad she took a liking to him since he’s the only other guy on the team I can tolerate out of the locker room. We decided just the four of us would head over to the Ale House, and the rest of the team is heading to their usual spot at the bar.