Things I Want to Say (26 page)

Unless you sell the truck or the motorcycle.

“So anyway, I was wondering if you could lend me the money. I can pay you back a little at a time, if the business has a good quarter.”

The business never had a good quarter, and Del had never paid back more than a hundred dollars of the thousands he’d borrowed over the years. Martin nodded.

“So you’ll lend me the money? Great.” Del stood, beaming. He glanced toward the door to the house again. “Uh, can you sign a check?”

Martin nodded again. He could sign a check. And then he wouldn’t see much of his son until the next time Del was in trouble. It wasn’t a very satisfactory pattern for a relationship, but at least it was predictable.

Del left, presumably to get the checkbook, and returned a few minutes later with Karen trailing after him. “Dad, what are you doing, agreeing to give him that kind of money?” she said.

Del sat again, opened the checkbook on his knee and filled in the blanks. “This is none of your business, sis.”

Karen turned to Martin. “It’s true? You’re just going to hand over five thousand dollars?”

Martin nodded. It was his money. If he wanted to piss it away on his shiftless son, that was his business. He took the pen Del offered and bent to inscribe his signature on the check.

Karen folded her arms across her chest and frowned at them. “I can’t believe you’re taking advantage of a helpless old man,” she said, as if Martin weren’t sitting right there.

Martin glared at her, but she didn’t notice. She was too busy facing down her brother.

Del let the anger roll off him like steam off wet pavement. He tore the check out of the book, folded it in half and tucked it into his shirt pocket. “Dad’s in his right mind, so he isn’t helpless. And if he wants to do me a favor, why shouldn’t he? I’m his only son.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Shame’s a wasted emotion. It doesn’t fix anything, change anything or stop anything. I don’t see any point in bothering with it.” He turned back to Martin. “Thanks, Dad. You take it easy now.” He crossed the porch and exited down the steps, whistling as he went.

Karen turned to her father, hurt in her eyes. “How could you? Why do you let him take advantage of you like that? He never does anything for you. He just uses you.”

Martin gave because it was easy for him to do so. The money or material goods Del needed didn’t mean much to him. He could give them without a second thought. Sign the check, make the loan, hand over the goods and his obligation was met and his relationship with Del returned to normal.

With Karen, things were always more involved. She had always been the difficult child. The needy one. She wanted
complicated things—words and emotions. And whatever he surrendered wasn’t enough. Time hadn’t changed that.

And who was she to accuse her brother of using him? She’d scarcely visited all these years and now that he was helpless, she’d dropped everything and swooped in to run his life. He’d been around long enough to know such sacrifices didn’t come without a price. She wanted payment from him in a currency he didn’t have in him to pay.

He turned away from her, steering his chair toward the door to his house. All this arguing had tired him. He needed to spend time at his computer. Later, he’d sleep, and be comforted by dreams in which he knew no limitations.

The following Thursday, Karen gave in to Tammy’s pleas to have lunch. At eleven-thirty, she found herself seated at Tammy’s kitchen table, a glass of iced tea in her hand, a pleasant lethargy enveloping her as she watched her friend bustle about the room. Karen had almost forgotten what it was like to have someone else wait on her, and to not spend every waking moment listening for some signal of distress from her father’s room. Or lately, sounds that the dog, whom Casey had named Sadie, was getting into trouble or needed to go out. So far, the dog hadn’t made any messes on the carpet—if you didn’t count the hair she shed everywhere or the occasional fleas that showed up despite the bath and flea dip Karen had given her. But knowing that she
might
make a mess only added to Karen’s stress.

And she could admit, if only to herself, that she’d lost far too much sleep stewing over the five-thousand-dollar
loan
Martin had given Del. While he’d been in talking with their father, she’d told herself she was going to call Del on his impossible behavior, that she wasn’t going to let him charm her or browbeat her into meeting his demands.

But in the end, he’d worn her down, defeating her with the argument that while Martin’s body might be damaged,
his mind was working just fine. If he wanted to give his son money, it wasn’t any of her business.

Maybe he was right, but she’d lost more than a few hours wondering what she could have done differently.

“I’m so glad we could get together like this,” Tammy said as she chopped celery for chicken salad.

“Thank you for talking me into it.” Karen sipped tea, the flavor of fresh mint sweet on her tongue. “It feels so good to get out of the house for a while.”

“Now that Casey is here to help you with his grandpa, you should get away more often.”

“I never realized what a big help he could be.” Karen smiled as she thought of the one really bright spot in the past few weeks. She hadn’t spent this much time with Casey since he was a preschooler. Now she had a chance to see a side of him she’d only guessed at before.

“A lot of the time he’s more patient with Dad than I am,” she said. “And he’s better at the messy jobs, like managing bedpans and stuff. And Dad cooperates better for him.” Sometimes she wondered if her father wasn’t being obstinate on purpose, as if he blamed her for his infirmity, or the indignity of his condition.

“Mo-om, have you seen my new swimsuit?” Tammy’s oldest daughter, Sheree, hurried into the room. At seventeen, she was all long legs and straight blond hair.

“In the top drawer, left-hand side of your dresser.” Tammy added mayonnaise to the chopped chicken and celery and stirred vigorously. “Maybe Casey will be a nurse,” she said when the women were alone again.

“Maybe.” Karen looked into her half-empty tea glass, as if the answer lay somewhere in the jumble of ice cubes. “He doesn’t know what he wants to do.”

“Give him time. He’s young.” She reached into the cabinet overhead and took down two plates.

“Honey, did you pick up those shirts from the cleaners?”
Brady stuck his head around the kitchen door. “Oh, hi, Karen. How’s your dad?”

“He’s a little better. Slow going.”

“That’s good. And tell Del I said hello.” He turned to Tammy again. “My shirts?”

“On the hook on the back of your closet door.” She spooned chicken onto slices of bread.

“The videos need returning,” Brady said. “I don’t have time to do it.”

“I’ll take care of it this afternoon.” She sliced the sandwiches in two and arranged them on the plates. “How is that brother of yours these days?” she asked Karen. “Aggravating as ever. You’ll never guess what he did the other day.”

“What?”

“He brought over a dog. This half-grown yellow mutt. Said he got it as a present just for me. As if I needed something else to look after.”

Tammy smiled. “What did you do?”

“What could I do? Casey fell in love with the dog the minute he laid eyes on it and Del threatened to shoot it if I didn’t take it in.” She shook her head. “So now we have a dog. Casey named her Sadie.”

“Mo-om! I need ten bucks for the pool.” B.J., fifteen, swept into the kitchen, pausing at the refrigerator to help himself to a can of soda.

“In my purse,” Tammy said. She set the plate of sandwiches on the table. “Don’t forget to wear sunblock. It’s in the medicine cabinet.”

“I’m tan enough I don’t need it.” He began eating the rest of the chicken salad directly out of the bowl. “Is there any more of this?”

“No. Don’t eat too much if you plan to go swimming.”

“I won’t.” He set the empty bowl in the sink and dropped in his fork. “See you later.”

Tammy watched him go, a faint smile on her face. “When he turned fourteen, it was as if someone threw a switch. He’s always hungry. And every time I turn around, his pants are too short.” She turned to Karen. “Please tell me it gets better.”

“Not for a while, I’m afraid.” Karen shook her head. “I’d be happy now if the most I had to worry about was keeping Casey fed. If only he weren’t so…so aimless.”

“He’s a smart kid. He’ll figure it out.”

“That’s what I try to tell Tom, but he thinks Casey should be like him. He had his whole life mapped out by the time he was sixteen.”

Sheree hurried past them. “Bye, Mom.”

“You be home by six,” Tammy called after her. “Call if you need a ride.”

“I will.”

B.J. and Brady left shortly after that, each receiving instructions and parting hugs from Tammy. Karen took it all in with mixed amusement and awe. Tammy was a general, in clear charge of her territory and her troops. As far back as Karen could remember, this was what her friend had always wanted.

“Did you ever want to do anything else with your life?” Karen asked.

Tammy froze with her sandwich halfway to her mouth. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, did you ever want to be more than a wife and mother? Not that that’s bad. You’re obviously really good at it. But did you ever wonder if you made the right choices?”

Tammy blinked. “What else would I do?”

“I don’t know. I—” They were interrupted by the oven timer dinging.

“I’d better get that.” Tammy jumped up from the table. “I promised the Boy Scouts I’d make four loaves of banana bread for the bake sale Saturday,” she explained as she opened the
oven and peered in at the loaf pans. The banana and walnut odor made Karen’s mouth water.

“You could open your own bakery or catering company,” Karen said.

Tammy laughed. “And run it in all my spare time?” She shut off the oven and slid the loaves out, one at a time.

“I guess you’re right. Who has spare time these days?”

“If I’m not taxiing the kids here and there, I’m cooking or cleaning this place,” Tammy said. “Weekends are full of more sports activities and racing.”

“I can’t believe Brady’s still doing that.” When they were teenagers, Brady had fixed up an old car and raced it in competitions all over the area. Tammy and Karen had spent many a Friday night or Saturday huddled on sun-scorched bleachers, watching cars race at insane speeds around an oval track.

“Gosh yes. He’s in a seniors league now. Lots of guys our age. He’s spent three years fixing up his car. You’ll have to come see it sometime.” She grinned. “Remember the fun we used to have at the track?”

“I remember getting my nose blistered on sunny Saturdays, and flirting with the mechanics in the pit.” Karen laughed at the memory. She’d been an awkward teenager desperate to appear sophisticated and older. This translated into a pair of soot-black sunglasses and four-inch platforms that endangered her ankles every time she picked her way across the gravel parking lot to the track. She’d no doubt looked ridiculous, but at the time she was convinced she gave the impression that she was a woman of the world.

“Brady’s racing next weekend. You should come with us.”

“It would be fun to see the races again. But Casey would probably want to come with me.”

“Tell him it’s a nostalgia thing—that you’re going to relive
your childhood. He’ll be too mortified to even think of joining you.”

“I’ll do it.” She laughed. “My mother always said the best revenge of parenthood was being able to embarrass your children.”

“She’s right. Sometimes it’s the only revenge.” Tammy picked up her sandwich and shook her head. “They have so many ways of getting to us, without even realizing it.”

Karen nodded. There was no one who could hurt you like your child, and no one who could bring you as much joy. It was the paradox of parenting, something you never thought about when you were the child.

If pain and joy were barometers of love, then her love for her sons knew no bounds. And her frustration with her father was almost as limitless. Having Casey here brought home the contrast. Sometimes she felt balanced between the two, trying frantically to make life run smoothly for them both. Unfortunately, neither man appreciated her concern. Why should they, when she never gave them a chance to live without it?

And then there was Tom—the other man who was important to her. She was stuck with trying to placate him long distance, an impossible task. “You’ve known Brady a long time, haven’t you?” she asked.

Tammy smiled. “Since third grade. The first day we met, he threw a spitball at me. I knocked him down on the playground later and sat on him.” She laughed. “It was true love.”

“So, does he ever say things that surprise you? Things you had no idea he was thinking?”

Tammy tilted her head, considering the question as she chewed. “Not really.” She shrugged. “I don’t think Brady’s a very complicated person. He likes his job. He likes racing and fishing. He loves me and the kids. If something’s bugging
him, he broods about it a few days and then moves on. We’re a lot alike that way. Why? Has Tom surprised you?”

Karen nodded. “I thought he’d understand why I had to come look after my dad. Instead, he’s practically pouting because he has to look after Matt and the business by himself for a summer.”

“He misses you,” Tammy said. “That’s sweet.”

“He doesn’t sound very sweet on the phone. It’s like he wants me to
abandon
my father and come home.”

“He’s probably just feeling a little panicky about looking after everything without you to help. He’ll get over it. I’d do the same thing in your shoes. Your dad needs you right now.”

Except Tammy would never be in Karen’s shoes. Her father lived two blocks away. She saw her parents every Sunday afternoon and countless times during the week.

“I’m trying to talk him into coming down for a visit,” Karen said. “Maybe if he sees how helpless Dad is, he’ll be more understanding.”

“I’m sure he will be. And I know you’ve missed him.”

She
had
missed Tom—especially at night, when she lay alone in her childhood room. But she didn’t know what to expect from him these days, or what he wanted from her. They’d been married all these years and there were days when she felt she hardly knew him. They’d been so
busy
—raising the boys, running a business, managing a home—maybe they’d missed out on something important to their relationship, some exercise or habit or activity that would serve as insurance for the years ahead when it was just the two of them again. She wanted to think they could be close in the years to come. Closer than she felt to him right now. What would it take to get to that kind of closeness? Or was that another fantasy, like her dreams of bonding with her dad?