This Is a Book (11 page)

We found a lump on your neck.

An unmarked package has just arrived.

What is your favorite snack?

That man looks like he’s choking.

Your luggage has not yet arrived from Phoenix.

It’s the first day of Spring.

Describe yourself in two words.

We’re pregnant!

We’re 12 weeks already.

We’re so excited!

W
EEK
13

We’re shopping for baby clothes. Wait, what? We are? Already? Uh, we’re thinking it might be a little early for that, but—
nope
, we are told we are wrong about this and that we should just let us enjoy this. Got it.

W
EEK
14

We’re suddenly getting moody,
very
moody. We’re blaming this on our hormones. When we gently point out that we might be acting a little bit unreasonable, we fly off the handle at us, as if to say “Unreasonable?! I’ll show you
unreasonable
!”

W
EEK
16

We’re wanting to talk about the pregnancy constantly, as if there is nothing else in the world to talk about. We’re being cool with
this, though, because we understand that
we’re
pregnant here. And in case we forget that, we are sure to frequently remind us about it.

W
EEK
18

We’re gaining a lot of weight. We mean
a lot
. We made a harmless joke about this, something like “Wow, honey, do you have triplets in there?” And in response to this we went and locked ourself in the bathroom, and now we won’t come out. We’re thinking about sneaking off to grab a quick drink with the guys while we’re in the bathroom, but we fear what we might do to us if we come out of the bathroom before we get home.

Who are we kidding? We’re not going anywhere. We’re not going to see the guys tonight… or maybe ever again.

W
EEK
20

We’re really mad at us for something we’re not even sure we did. When we ask, “What’s the matter?” we start to cry and then go eat ice cream in the other room.

W
EEK
21

We’re starting to think that we somehow read the e-mail we sent to our buddy Mark, in which we jokingly referred to us in our purple pajamas as “Grimace with a ponytail.” Uh oh.

W
EEK
23

We’re crying over a car commercial. We’re now getting caught laughing at us crying at the car commercial. We’re explaining that we were actually laughing at something else, but we’re not buying it. And… there we go again, heading into the other room to eat ice cream alone.

W
EEK
25

We’re getting huge breasts, but we won’t let us take advantage of them. We’re disappointed.

W
EEK
27

We’re craving certain foods, which is fine. But foods that we know one of us is allergic to? And then eating those foods right in front of us? We think this “craving” might complete horseshit. When we mention this to us, we say, “You don’t know what it feels like,” which we find interesting, considering
we’re
pregnant.

W
EEK
29

We’re regretting an honest remark we made about another woman’s body. We will never do that again. We didn’t realize that women in Post-Impressionist paintings counted. But it turns out they certainly do.

W
EEK
31

We’re now starting to look
really
pregnant, both of us actually. This is no surprise when we think of how much we’ve been replacing sex with food. We’re starting to look like my dad, which is not great.

W
EEK
33

We’re accusing us of being “too receptive” in our interviews with prospective babysitters. We deny this. (But we’re secretly pulling for the Asian one.)

W
EEK
34

We were just trying to point out that we’re not the only one going through physical stuff here, for your information. We had an ingrown hair on our neck that we missed when we were shaving the other day, and now it might be infected. It’s definitely puffy, and it hurts. But we clearly don’t care.

W
EEK
36

We’re not sure if the sonogram technician was flirting with us, but we’re definitely going to have a fight about it tonight.

W
EEK
37

At this point, we’re contemplating having sex with the couch cushions.

Now we’re very surprised when we suddenly get home early from lunch with Susan, which we were not expecting. We’re trying to explain exactly what we were doing with the couch cushions. We feel embarrassed and sort of chafed.

W
EEK
39

When we have a beer, just one beer, by the way, we’re getting yelled at for it, even though we never explicitly said that we both had to stop drinking. We’re explaining to us, in our defense, that we’re not
both
actually pregnant here.

We just went crazy on us for saying that.

We now understand that we’re “both actually pregnant” here.

W
EEK
40

We’re not sure if we’re quite ready to be a father. Yesterday we got into a terrible shouting match with some jackass who cut us off and almost ran over our foot with one of his training wheels.

W
EEK
41

W at the hospital. We’re nervous. We’re feeling a little dizzy.

We’re now waiting in the lounge because apparently we fainted when we saw us “dilated.”

We’re talking to the doctor now. He’s bringing us in to see us.

We look more beautiful than ever. We’re both the happiest we’ve ever been in our lives. We did it. We’re also really exhausted.

We’re parents and we’re excited to finally get some sleep…

[
Dr. Stone arrives for work in the ER.
]

[
Dr. Stone’s colleague, Dr. Barnes, enters.
]

[
Dr. Barnes hands Dr. Stone some medical charts.
]

[
A nurse approaches with a muscular man, who is wearing a T-shirt and has a bandage on his shoulder.
]

[
Dr. Barnes looks at the patient’s chart and signs it.
]

[
The nurse is visibly moved by the handsome protagonist patient’s delivery. Dr. Stone rolls his eyes. Dr. Barnes and Dr. Stone continue walking through the ER.
]