This Is a Book (8 page)
Authors: Demetri Martin
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #General, #American, #Literary Criticism, #Essays, #Jokes & Riddles, #American wit and humor
One time, when I was actually attacked by a wolf (no relation), my father pretty much took the wolf’s side, even though he didn’t even know the wolf personally. That really hurt, and I’ve never forgotten it.
Probably the worst fight my father and I ever had was the time I called him a cliché. He stormed off to his den in the backyard and howled out there until one of the neighbors called the police.
For all of its problems, though, I can’t say there haven’t been some great things about having a dad who was raised by wolves. Camping with him has always been a lot of fun. Dad is great at hunting and tracking and running around aimlessly in the woods. And he is hilarious with squirrels. When I was a kid he was never strict about making me clean my room, which was nice. And he’s always been entertaining, especially if you give him some meat.
I am able to appreciate these things now, because about two years ago I started seeing a therapist. That’s helped me a lot. Shortly after starting therapy I joined a support group for people who have difficult parents. That’s where I met Melinda. Melinda’s mother was some sort of princess who met Melinda’s dad when he saved her from up in a tower or something. Anyway, Melinda can really relate to a lot of the things I’ve been going through. I mean, her mom lives in a small castle in their backyard.
Melinda and I recently started dating. For the first time in my life I feel like someone truly understands me. Things are going really well. Even my dad likes her. The other day he told me he thought she smelled right for me.
I’m doing a lot better these days. I’m coming to terms with my past, and I’m hopeful about my future. I know I’ll never fully understand my father, but we’re making strides.
I am who I am in a lot of ways because of my dad. I am proud to be Wolf Wolf. And even though sometimes I might feel like I’ve got it rough, I guess, when you think about it, everyone has crazy parents. Some were even raised by a pack of them.
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Hello.A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
…G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Well, I don’t know if you can understand me, but I would like to welcome you to our planet.A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
…G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
This is “Earth.” And we are a peaceful species known as “human beings.”A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
…G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
We humbly offer you these gifts as a gesture of—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Greetings. I am Commander Zego.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
You speak English. Amazing. Greetings, Commander. Do you come in peace?A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Who are you?G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
My name is General Marks. I am a five-star general and one of the highest-ranking military officers in the most powerful nation on Earth, the United States of America. Behind me are the most decorated leaders of every branch of our armed forces, along with a delegation of Nobel Laureates, cosmologists, biochemists, and—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
My council and I demand to see the Supreme Leader.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Of course, Commander. I have already contacted the President, and he—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Miss Universe.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
What?A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Miss Universe.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
… Uh—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
I demand to speak with Miss Universe.
[
Commander Zego hands General Marks an 8" × 10" glossy photo of Miss Universe.
]
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Oh. Um… well, Commander, I think you actually want to talk to the
President
. You see, he is the—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
No.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
But I think—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
I am the Supreme Commander of an entire planetary system, General. I will not speak to the President. I will speak to Miss Universe, and to Miss Universe alone.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Commander, with all due respect, I think you may be confused. Miss Universe is not our leader. She is a pageant winner. This picture you’ve given me is a photograph from a pageant she won. She is not our leader. You want to speak with the
President of the United States. He
is our leader. Now, I’ve contacted him, and—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Silence.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
…A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
You claim that this “President” is your leader and that he is so important, but tell me, General, how many presidents are there?G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
There is only one, Commander.A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
You are not being truthful with me.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
I assure you, Commander, that this is the truth.A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Well that is strange, because our intelligence indicates that there are many, many presidents on your planet.
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Well… yes, but… I meant that there is only one for the United States.
A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Hm… And is there not a president of the Kiwanis Club?
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Yes, but that’s a different—
A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
And the Asbury Park Chamber of Commerce? And what about the Delta Delta Delta sorority? And the El Paso PTA?
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Commander, I think you are misunderstanding—
A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Silence! I understand perfectly well. There are thousands of presidents. We know this to be fact—
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
But—
A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Is this not a fact!
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Technically, yes, but—
A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Now, let me be perfectly clear. I will
not
speak with any of these “presidents.” Not today or ever. I don’t care if it is the President of the “United States” or of the “United Airlines.” Is that clear?
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
But, Commander—
A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Now tell me, General, how many Miss Universes are there?
[
General Marks looks to an adviser for help. The adviser shrugs.
]
G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
(reluctantly)
I guess just the one, but you must understand—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
That is correct. You serve yourself and your people best by being honest with me. Heed my warn
ing, General. If you try to divert us from Miss Universe anymore, we will take it as an act of aggression and have no choice but to engage with full force.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Commander, please—A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Silence! I am growing weary of your games.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
…A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Now, you will bring us Miss Universe or you will suffer the consequences.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Uh.
(deep breath)
Okay. We will bring you Miss Universe. My advisers are locating her now.A
LIEN
C
OMMANDER:
Excellent. We will discuss our terms with Miss Universe then. Make haste, General, for the fate of your planet rests upon that meeting.G
ENERAL
M
ARKS:
Oh boy.
Hey Everyone,
Just wanted to remind you that my band is playing tonight at The Living Room! Come check out the show. We go on at 10. Also, if you know anybody else who wants to get on our mailing list, please let me know. Thanks! See you tonight.
Josh
Dan,
Hey, buddy. Long time no see. I’m not sure if you got my messages, my newsletter, or the flyers I left under your door. Anyway, as I mentioned in my last couple of voicemails, my band is playing tomorrow night at Good Bar. You should definitely come check us out. The show starts at 8 pm. We go on at 11. I’ll be looking for you, man! I’m going to dedicate a song to you in the middle of our set, so you should really try to be there when I call you out. See you there, buddy!
Thanks in advance for coming,
Josh