THIS Is Me... (5 page)

  “Okay...”

  As my dream is bathed in silence, I feel like I can finally exhale.  What did I do?  I can't think of anything I did to make Marcus want to hurt me.  I did everything right, or at least I tried really hard to do everything right.  I always tried so hard to be good for Marcus.  What the hell did I do wrong?  How is he going to let me go?
 
“Suzanne, I love you.  I really do love you, you know?  Please don't listen to them.  And please don't listen to their lies.  I’m not doing this to hurt you; I'm doing this FOR you.”

  When there is silence again, I think Marcus has left.  God, I desperately want to talk to him, because everything around me is so confusing all the time.

 
“I know what you did, and I know what you've done, but I'm not angry anymore.  I'm really not.  I love you Suzanne, so I'm doing this for you.  They don't know you, but I do.  I know what you
want because we talked about it before.  We talked about all the things we would and wouldn't do for each other.  We talked about when you wanted me to help you and when you wanted me to let you go. So that's what I'm going to do.  I'm letting you go now.”

  When I hear Marcus start crying, I feel devastated for him.  Marcus doesn't cry, and Marcus isn't mean.  He's a bit of an ass, but he's never really mean.  I wish I could wake up and tell him it's going to be alright.  I wish I could tell him I trust him.  I know he's doing the right thing, because I know he isn't mean.  I
know
it.

 
“Suzanne, loving you has been the greatest burden of my life.”
  What?! 
“Loving you has been hell.  I have loved you and hated you from the moment I met you, but I've always loved you more.  I loved you even when it hurt to just look at you.  I've loved you even when you hurt me so badly, I cried from the pain...

    “But I always believed in the dream, you know?  Even when things were really bad.  Even when
you
were really bad, I always believed you and I would be okay.  I believed in you, even when I should have stopped believing in you a long time ago.  And now look what you've done.”

  Oh, god.  I've never heard Marcus say words like this.  He NEVER says words like this.  Marcus thinks people are too dramatic and sappy, so he never says words like these.  He hates shows of emotion, and yet here he is.  God, he sounds so
sad.

 
“Suzanne, it's only ever going to be you, you know?  I'm going to love you always.  Especially after.”

  Oh, Marcus. 

  I think my heart is breaking for him.  I wish I knew what was happening so I could apologize and make it all better for him. 

  If I could just speak to him, I would promise to try harder.  I would promise to
be
better.  I would promise to be good... If only I could speak to him.

                              CHAPTER 6

                                  MAY 6

  How the hell do I wake up?  This guy keeps asking me to wake up, but I'm not even sure if I'm asleep, or like dead or something.  I'm not really sure if I'm even alive, so how the hell do I wake up?

  My body is all floaty and painful and warm.  And I'm kind of gaggy or something.  Even my brain feels floaty.  I'm not sure where I am or if I'm even here, so how do I wake up?

                                                *****
 

  “
Suzanne, its Kayla.  You know me- I’m Kayla Rinaldi from New York.  You know my voice.  You know my
charming
New York accent.”
  Charming?
 
 
“I know you remember me.  I'm unforgettable, remember?  I'm gorgeous, and funny, and smartasstic, and sexy as hell, and good in bed, and really, really freakin' tall... Remember?”
 

  I am so tired of these strangers talking to me all the time.  I'm so tired of trying to figure out who they are.  God, what can I do to shut them up?
  And why does she want me to know she's so tall?  Why the
hell
do I care if she's tall?  Why do I need to know that?  Who gives a shit?!
 

  Why do all tall people feel the need to tower over us vertically challenged individuals?  Why do they always lean over us and talk down to us? 

  Why do all tall men treat us shorter people like we're less than they are- demanding and taking from us because we couldn't possibly fight their power and height?
  Why do tall women always wear high-heels?  It's not like they even need them.  Why do they do that?  They already know they're tall.  They already know they have an advantage.  They know they can succeed where we shorter people can't.  And yet they wear their heels and flaunt their longer, leaner bodies, and all the success they attain because they had a height advantage to start them off.  They even flaunt their tallness to men in a way we shorter women could never do.
  I really think I hate tall people.  Is that weird?  I wonder why I actually hate them.  I don't know but I'm pretty sure it's hate, or maybe it's fear.  I'm not sure.  But I don't like tall people. 
  Tall women are mean and catty because they know they're better than me.  And tall men are mean and well, just
mean
because they know I can't fight them.  Huh.  I never thought of that before.  Why would I fight a tall man? 
  Marcus is tall.  He's over 6 feet tall, and he’s long and fit and athletic looking, and
way
taller than me.  He always makes fun of me for being short- not that 5'3 is excessively short or anything, but it's short enough to need help with the high cupboards and the high closets. 

  5’3 is short enough to be annoying, though not short enough to seem really, really short.  Why does Marcus always make fun of me for being short?  It’s not like I can change my height.
  I don't think I really thought about it before but Marcus does say comments about me being too 'thick' for my short stature.  Marcus has suggested things I should do to erase the extra curves around my middle so I wouldn't look so pear-like.  Marcus has told me to lose 30 pounds around my hips and ass to straighten me out a little, just so I wouldn't seem so short. 
  Marcus even said that it was too bad I had a big ass because without it I might look like a cute, petite little doll, but sadly, with my huge ass and hips… oh! 
And
my big thighs, I just look more like a short woman carrying around 30 extra pounds on her middle that she couldn't be bothered to lose.  Shit!  I forgot that too.
 
“... Suzanne, please.  I miss you and really need to talk to you.  Mack is going crazy over you, and I'm going crazy over Mack, and Z is so lost, he's breaking all our hearts, even Kayla's... We're all just so trapped now...”
  Trapped? 
You're
trapped?  Jesus Christ lady!  I'm the one whose trapped listening to all you people go on and on while I'm trying to sleep, or wake up, or whatever the hell I'm trying to do.  As if
YOU'RE
trapped.
  Oh my god!  I wish this lady would just shut the hell up.  Her accent is brutal and annoying as hell.  What self-respecting New
Yawker
would ever keep that accent?  It's awful! 

  Christ!  I bet they have speech therapists for that on every street corner in New York.  I've even heard there are like 12-step programs for that accent. Maybe I could get her a gift certificate or something...
 
“Z's new apartment is waiting for you.  He's selling his New York apartment in case, and bought this one in Chicago for you.  Don't you want to see it?  Wouldn't you like to help Z decorate your new apartment together?  Z has left it completely bare for you.  I think he bought a couch to sleep on and a coffee maker, but that’s it.  He's waiting for you, and I know he's dying to have your help and input...” 
  My apartment?  What the hell is she
talking
about?!  As if Marcus would ever sell our home for an apartment.  No matter how nice, or expensive, or upper class, Marcus would still find an apartment beneath us.  Marcus would
never
buy an apartment.  This lady is horribly confused.
  “Z is waiting for you...”
  Oh My God!  Just shut up already!  Who the hell is Z?  Where the hell is Marcus?  And how do I get this annoying woman to Shut The Hell Up?!

  I think I need more sleep, or better sleep, or to wake up, or, or
something.
  I need to get out of this nightmare.  This feels like a never-ending dream through hell. 

  It's like every single thing I hate in life is all in my dream to torture me.  Ugh… Brooklyn accents, tall people, angry women, strangers, people talking, darkness, and feeling completely trapped.  Shit…
  Why don't I just start dreaming about my mother and really get this party started.  Um… actually no. 

  I'll take this weird, annoying dream without adding my mother to the mix.  Christ!  Anything has got to be better than dreaming about my mother. 

  Now that I think about it, this lady's Brooklyn accent isn't
so
bad. I guess it's kind of charming. 
Kind of.
  Suddenly, I'm jolted by the sensation of being touched.  What is that?  Oh god.  Who's touching me?  I hate that.  I hate being touched.  Why is this happening?  I'm still dreaming right?

CHAPTER 7

May 10

  Why can't I move or change, or like, be normal or something?  I keep hearing people talk.  All these strangers come in and out, but nothing changes for me.  I see nothing and I barely hear them, but they're always here.  It's like this constant buzzing in my head- constant noise but rarely a clear sound. 

  Sometimes I hear actual words but I don't understand what they mean, or what they're trying to tell me. 
  I hear all these people but I don't know any of them, well, except for Marcus.  I know him and I hear him.  He seems so sad or maybe tired- I'm not sure which.  I know Marcus, but I don't really know
this
Marcus.  Even he seems so strange to me. 
  I wish I could just wake up.  I wish I could move out of this darkness.  I wish I wasn't trapped in this darkness all the time because it makes me kind of tired, even though I think I'm still sleeping.  I don't know what to do.
  I don't know how to open this closet door anymore.
 

                                            *****

 
“Hi, Marcus.  How are you?”
  “I’m fine, Kayla.  But I really don't want to see you or any of her
friends
anymore.  I'm going to talk to security and have you all banned from her room from now on.”
  “Marcus, you can't ban Mack.”
  “Oh, we'll see.  I bet I can.”

  “And her grandfather?”
  “Screw him.  Where the hell has he been all these years?  I've met the man 4 times in all the years Suzanne and I have been together. He means nothing to us.  Suzanne and I know what's what.  We know he doesn't love us.  We know he's irrelevant.  Don't we, Suzanne?”
 
“Marcus, tomorrow isn't going to happen- I guarantee it.  There's a new reason to stop this.  There’s a new medical reason for this to stop.  We have some strange news about Suzanne that we've been waiting to share with you.”
 

  What?!  What about me?
 
“It doesn't matter...”
  “Actually Marcus, it DOES matter.  Would you like to know what has happened?  Maybe you'll feel better about leaving Suzanne alone.  Maybe you'll even change your mind about her.  Would you like to hear about it?”
  “No, Kayla, I wouldn't.  I'll still win no matter what you think you have against me.  I'm her husband, and I've already won.  Even my lawyer says an appeal by her grandfather and Mack won't help because there's no basis for it.  There's no new information from her grandfather or from her ‘best friend’ Mack that can make a difference.”

  “But we have-”

  “You have nothing other than false hope on your side.  But I have Suzanne on my side.  I know she wants this because she told me.  Suzanne doesn't want to be like this anymore.”
 

  Ha!  You're right Marcus. I don't want to be like this anymore. 

 
“Marcus, I have to show you something.”
  “I'm not interested.”
  “Marcus
please. 
Just look at me for a minute.  Just look at what I have here.  I'm begging you.”
  “Listen,
Kayla,
it doesn't matter.  There is nothing-”
  “Look Marcus.”
  “What is...? Oh my god... THAT'S NOT TRUE!”
 

  What?!  What's not true?
 
“It IS true.  This is real, and this is Suzanne.”
  “No, it isn't.  It isn't even possible!  She wasn’t like that.”
 

  Like what?!
 
“Suzanne
was
like that, and she would be happy about this.”
  “Actually, she really wouldn't...”
 

  Holy shit!  Marcus is sobbing.  What did I do?
 
“Marcus-”
  “Get out of here Kayla.  NOW!  I want to be alone with my wife now.  I want to be alone with her.  She needs me.  Suzanne needs me to stop all this for her.  She doesn't want this.  She never wanted this.”
  “Marcus, please listen to me.  This isn't about you anymore.  This is about Suzanne now.”
  “I KNOW THAT!  It was always about Suzanne.  It's ALWAYS been about Suzanne.  Christ!  Every minute of every single day with Suzanne has been about Suzanne.  But it's too much now.  It's too much for us, so I'm helping her.  I'm going to make this all go away for her.  I'm going to end this now.”
 
  Make what go away?  What did I do?  Shit!  I thought I was being good here.  I thought I was being a good girl, all quiet and still.  Being quiet and still is what everyone wants from me.  It's what I always do.  No one gets mad at me when I'm quiet and still.  So what did I do wrong?
 
“…Suzanne takes your hand, and she leads you down the river...”