THIS Is Me... (38 page)

  And so she got her final punishment toward me after all.  Everyone knows who I am, and everyone knows what happened to me.  I have no secrets anymore which is painfully embarrassing to me, but again, not something I can fight or control.  This reality of mine just is, and so I continue to breathe my way through it.
 

  Inside, the Kaylas are waiting by the side conference room for me.  Taking them in, I smile and breathe through all the crap in my head.  Seeing my father is going to be hard, but with these two Kaylas in the courtroom I know I can do it.  Actually, they'd probably kick my ass if I didn't do it, so I greet them with a smile as I hug them tight.
  “Thanks for-”
  “Don't start your shit, Suzanne.  We're here because we love you and this is going to be a shit day, so we're here for you.  The end.  No tears.  No drama.  Marty, Dr. Cobb, and Dr. Robinson are here as well.  There is no one else here today who counts in your life, but us.  Okay?”
  “Okay,” I smile at her words.  Chicago Kayla is still a right to the point, cut you off at the knees, sexy as hell, awesome woman. And though we're getting closer by the day, I find I still miss her constant in-my-faceness terribly.
  “You have a little group of seven to cheer you on, okay?  Just look at us if it gets bad, and Kayla and I will kick some ass for you afterward.”  Looking at Kayla I believe she and her New York tough will actually do it too.  “Plus, we're all hooking up at Kayla's tonight and we're gonna get shit-faced.”  Grinning, I nod again.
  When the door opens to one of the Prosecuting Aides, I'm told I'm to be called in the next 15 minutes.  Suddenly sitting on a bench hard, Mack and Z instantly sit beside me, each taking a hand, though neither says the lame platitudes that would probably drive me mental right now.
  I'm scared and nauseous, and my head wants to fill with all the horrors of my past, but I'm fighting my way through it.

  When Mack abruptly rises from the bench, he tugs at my hand and mumbles to Z, “Just give us a minute.”

  When Mack and I walk to the back of the conference room, he stops me and kind of eases me against the wall as he stands in front of me.

  Looking at Mack my stomach is suddenly in knots.  Mack doesn’t look good.  Actually, he looks upset or maybe sad, I’m not sure which.

  “Mack, what’s wrong?” I whisper as I grab for his shirt.  Not speaking, Mack hold my hands in his own against his chest.

  “Sorry I’m scaring you, I’m not trying to.  Ah, I just wanted to talk to you for a second before you testify.”

  “What’s wrong, Mack?” I beg.

  “Nothing at all.  I want you to know I absolutely adore you.  I think everything about you is wonderful, and I love you very much.”

  “
Okay…
But?”

  “There’s no but.  Today is going to be hard, and I want you to know how much I love you, and how
proud
I am of you.  Your strength is undeniable this time.  And though I’ve said it before, I think you need to hear how amazing you are to me, Suzanne.  You and I have gone through so much together, and I wanted to remind you how special you are to me, in case things become very dark today and you forget later how much you mean to me, and how wonderful you really are.  That’s all, Suzanne.  There’s nothing bad, I promise.”

  When Mack pauses, I glance around him to Z and Kayla sitting on the bench together.  Smiling at me, Kayla is holding Z’s hand, nodding at me.  I think she can hear Mack and she must agree with him.  Thank god.  I really needed to hear that because I’m absolutely terrified of today.

  Exhaling, I wrap my arms around Mack as tight as I can.

  “Thank you Mack for saying that.  Thank you again, for everything, always.  I love you so, so much,” I say as I try to let go of all the bad in my head for a minute. 

  Pulling away from me, Mack bends down low, kisses my forehead, and wipes the tears from my cheeks.  Watching me closely as always, he hugs me again, tugs me to his side and walks us back to Z.

  But before I can sit back down, Mack whispers, “You’re such a doll, Suzanne,” into my ear, making me smile again.

                                                  *****
 

  Show time.
  Walking down the aisle to the front bench, I just can't look at my father.  I thought I wanted to see him, but now I know I can’t.  I'm not ready to see if he's still the handsome, distinguished-looking man of my past.  I'm not ready to see him as the dad I always begged to love me.  I don't want to instantly become the young Suzanne who begged for his love, and cried for his affection.

  I am not HER anymore.  And I don't need his love anymore.  I have this life and this love now.  This is who I turned out to be.  This is me now; good, bad, ugly and beautiful.

  “Please state your name for the record,” comes a distant voice.
  Shaking my head and clearing my throat, I lean in
way
too close to the microphone like an idiot, as I look at Z.  Grinning, he nods his head 'go for it'.
  “Um… I'm Suzanne Zinfandel.”
  And when I see the identical look of shock on the Kaylas faces as their heads whip toward Z, I start giggling like a Crazy.
 

  Ooops... Z and I are in deep shit tonight. 

                      ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sarah Walker lives in Canada with her American husband and their son.

After attending McMaster University as an English major, Sarah began her career as an Office Administrator, polar-opposite to her studies, until the summer of 2011. 

Suddenly finding herself able, Sarah picked up her iPad and a dark, beautiful story was born.

Sarah Ann Walker can be found on Facebook, Goodreads.com, and Twitter.