This Time Forever (6 page)

Riley regarded him for a long, silent moment. “Yeah, maybe you could.”

Mickelle felt so happy she could burst. Things were working out better than she could have hoped. Maybe Riley was finally growing up.

* * * * *

Mickelle’s sense of peace shattered Saturday when she returned from an early morning shopping spree with her sisters, Talia and Lauren. Mickelle hadn’t actually bought anything except a card for Riley, but she’d enjoyed being with her sisters. On the way home, she even told them about Riley and the drawer scene. Now that things were on the mend, she wanted to pave the way so that someday she could tell her sisters everything.

“A lot of men have trouble talking with kids,” Lauren said from the back. She held her compact in one hand and reapplied her lipstick with the other. “They seem to think they should act all grown up already. Eventually, they learn that children are children, not adults in small bodies.”

“Some men take longer to learn that than others.” Talia was driving the van, looking somewhat odd wearing a pair of newly purchased cat-eye sunglasses.

“You can say that again,” Mickelle said from her passenger-side seat. “Like molasses uphill. Or like my station wagon, the Snail.” Her sisters laughed.

“You seriously call it the Snail?” Lauren rolled her eyes. “That’s
too
funny. You know, thinking about it, it kinda looks like a golden Snail.” They laughed again.

“Good thing I love him,” Mickelle said. “My husband, I mean, not the car.” More laughter. With regret, Mickelle noticed they’d already arrived at her street. “This is wonderful, being with you guys,” she said with a sigh. “Too bad Brionney’s still in Alaska.”

“She’s coming home soon, I think,” Talia answered. “Jesse and a friend of his are going to do some business here.”

“You think they’ll have a job for Riley?” Mickelle wondered aloud.

“Probably.” Talia turned into their driveway. “Hey, it looks like Riley and the boys are home.”

“Mom! Mom! I caught a fish!” Jeremy ran up with something in his hands. “Bryan did, too. It was so fun!”

Riley came from in front of his truck, still dressed in his fishing gear. He nodded cordially at Lauren and Talia. “Hi, need some fish? We caught plenty.”

Lauren shuddered. “The only way I want fish is in a restaurant.”

“I’ll take some,” Talia said. “Joe loves fresh fish. So do the kids.”

Mickelle hurried into the house to find something for Talia to take the fish home in. After her sisters drove away, she turned to talk to Riley and found his expression changed.

“Where have you been?” he demanded.

“Shopping. Or looking, mostly.”

“You didn’t tell me you were going with them.”

Mickelle was confused, though the confusion was accompanied by a desperate sense of déjà-vu. “I didn’t know. They called me after you and the boys left. Riley, why are you upset?”

“You seemed have a good time with them.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

He shrugged and bent over the bucket of remaining fish.

“Didn’t you have fun today?” Mickelle asked, wanting desperately to reclaim the joy she had felt minutes before. “Aren’t you glad the boys went? They loved being with you.”

“I guess.” Riley would say nothing more, and Mickelle was glad the boys weren’t around to hear his unenthusiastic reply.

A tear slipped down Mickelle’s cheek. Why was joy so fleeting?

CHAPTER FIVE

Sunday morning before their ten o’clock meetings, Riley was called in to meet with one of the church leaders. Since he was in a sullen mood, Mickelle was relieved to see him go. She put in a CD of church music into their battered old player, hoping to create a spirit that even Riley couldn’t destroy.

She dressed for church, recalling the enjoyable time she’d had with her sisters the day before. As though responding to her thoughts, the phone rang, and Mickelle went to the living room to find the portable. Brionney was on the line.

“You’re calling me from Alaska?” Mickelle asked, sinking to the couch. “Oh, it’s so good to hear your voice!”

“You, too. Talia called and told me what a fun time you guys all had shopping yesterday. I was so jealous! That’s why I’m calling to tell you that we’re coming home soon. I don’t know the exact date yet, but when I get there, we’ll all go out.”

“That’s great! It’s just not the same with you in Alaska and Zack in France. And those little twins of yours—we can’t wait to see them.”

“They’re a handful, but so cute. Forest is rather loud, though. Jesse keeps threatening to buy us earplugs and him a muzzle.”

Mickelle giggled. “Sounds like Jesse. But I’ll bet he’s a big help.”

“Except with the diapers! Do you believe I can get him to wash all the dishes—by hand, mind you—and make all the beds if I agree to let him out of just one diaper change? It’s really funny.”

“At least you get a lot of chores done.”

“That’s right. I’ve only done the dinner dishes twice since the babies came.” Brionney’s laughter showed she knew who had the best of that bargain.

“You’ll have to call the minute you know what day you’ll be here,” Mickelle told her. “We’ll have a big dinner at Mom and Dad’s.”

“Sounds good. In fact, if I know Mom, she’s already planned the menu.”

“What about a place to live?”

“I asked Dad last week to find us a house. And one for Jesse’s partner as well.”

“So what’s holding you up? From coming back to Utah, I mean.”

“Jesse has one more contract to fill, and then we’re done. Some friends of ours were having some trouble with their baby, and we felt we should—well, never mind. Everything’s okay now. We’re coming home for sure. Jesse’s very excited about this new business he and our friend are setting up. They’ve already got most of the program written, and five hospitals have agreed to test it out. Imagine that!”

“Sounds promising.” Mickelle felt a twinge of envy but remembered her sister had experienced her share of trials. Her first marriage had failed miserably, and then she and Jesse had gone through financial difficulties and a miscarriage that had severely tested their faith and their relationship. “I’m glad for you. I really am. You deserve the best. I know it hasn’t been easy.”

“It’ll only mean more in the end,” Brionney answered. “Look, I’d better get going. Forest is screaming again in the other room, and the girls need me to fix their hair for church. You take care now.”

“Give my love to Jesse and the kids.”

“I will.”

Mickelle hung up and placed the phone on the couch cushion. She started at a sound from the doorway. “Riley! How long have you been there?”

He leaned his sturdy frame slightly forward, his hands thrust deep into his pockets. “Who was on the phone?”

“Brionney.”

He grunted.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I hope you didn’t talk a lot. It’s long distance to Alaska.”

“Don’t worry.
She
called me. We won’t have to pay.”

Riley didn’t reply. He slumped onto his favorite chair.

“So what happened in your interview?”

“I got released from teaching.”

Mickelle smiled. “Hey, that’s great! You kept saying you didn’t like teaching. So did they ask you to do something else?”

“Yeah. Something with the men’s sports, I guess.” He gave a disgusted snort. “Can you imagine me and sports? With all the hours I work. Sometimes I just don’t get it.”

“It’ll be fun. You wanted to be with the men, and now you are. Big time.”
And maybe it’ll help you lose weight,
she added silently. He’d begun to complain that his clothes were getting too tight.

Riley continued to act morose, almost as though he had been demoted. Mickelle wanted to tell him to snap out of his bad attitude but knew from experience that he would retaliate until she was brought to tears. She opted to ignore him and went about helping the boys find their ties and matching socks, though neither Bryan nor Jeremy had the least qualm about wearing one blue and one black sock.

At church, Riley seemed to relax, and even made a comment about this being the last time he had to prepare a lesson during the meeting. Mickelle smiled, thinking that the Lord had blessed them. Perhaps what Riley needed was a break, where he could learn from the speakers and feel the Spirit.

After the meeting, Mickelle went to the nursery, where she had been serving for the past two years. She loved being with the little children. Their eyes were so innocent, so trusting, and she loved them with her whole heart. Today she had a new reason for enjoying her calling: her cycle was late, and she could, if only for one day, dream that next year at this time she would be holding her own little daughter.

* * * * *

The next day, Mickelle paused in her housework to read a bit. But she didn’t devour her novel as she normally did. Instead, she picked up the book on abuse and began to thumb through it, reading snatches here and there that interested her.

Some of the questions on a “risk chart” amazed her.
Does your partner act possessive of your time? Does your partner question your every move when you are away? Do you feel the need to ask permission to do things? Are outside friendships discouraged? Does your partner control your access to money? Are you afraid to speak your mind for fear of offending your partner and starting a fight? Does your partner call you names or yell at you? Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior?

She felt uncomfortable reading the list, seeing too much of herself and Riley. She caressed her bloated stomach, wondering if it now held the daughter she had craved, or if her cycle was late because of stress. What if she was pregnant? How would she tell Riley? Why should she have to worry about telling him?

“We have to get help.” She whispered the words aloud, feeling their truthfulness. There was no longer any room to deny what was happening in her life. She needed to feel the peace and happiness she believed she and Riley were capable of creating.

I can do it,
she thought.
I can take control of my life.
As she thought it, she felt immense relief that deep down Riley was a good man and he loved her. He might do a lot of things wrong, but he did a lot of good things, too. She doubted he had any inkling of his abuse at all. Mickelle shuddered and said a silent prayer on behalf of the women in the world who were in a much worse position. She didn’t think she would be strong enough to face their trials.

But I am strong enough to face this, or the Lord would not have given it to me.
This Mickelle firmly believed. She knelt at her bed and said a prayer, asking the Lord to help her reach into the essence of who she was—His daughter—and find the courage it would take to lead her family to happiness.

A strange elation settled over her. She sang as she completed her housework, surprised that it went so quickly. Later, she took Sasha for a walk, noting the beauty of the late morning. This was the last day of April, and already the May flowers were out in abundance. She drove to the store and bought a flat of pansies to plant in the yard near her rosebushes, whistling as she did. When the boys arrived home, she had fresh chocolate chip cookies waiting.

“Great, Mom!” they shouted. She watched them devour the cookies, their lips framed with milk moustaches and chocolate smudges. Like a scene from a movie—how easy everything had gone today. And with so much time to spare! She felt as though she had awakened from a deep sleep, a depression that had saturated her life until each day had been a trial and a thing to be endured, rather than a celebration, a gift from God.

She helped the boys with their homework and then went outside to play soccer with them in the backyard. Sasha barked happily as she ran after them on the grass. Mickelle laughed, lifting her face to the sun. Dinner tonight would have to be frozen corn dogs, because she wasn’t going to let this precious opportunity with her sons go to waste.

They were still playing when Riley arrived home. With a little encouragement, he joined in their game. Giggles and mock screams filled the backyard. At last Mickelle fell to the ground, exhausted but content. “Well, that was an impromptu family night if I ever saw one. What do you say we heat some corn dogs in the microwave and make some caramel popcorn to finish out the night?”

“Yay!” the boys shouted.

Bryan added, “We can play Monopoly!”

“Okay, but only until bedtime,” she warned.

Riley helped her up from the grass. Mickelle hugged him, and his familiar scent filled her nose. She felt a twinge of nervousness, knowing that she would eventually have to talk to him about seeing a marriage counselor, but she banished the thought from her mind.
I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

When the boys were in bed, Mickelle changed into her nightshirt. She found Riley in the living room with the television on, but he wasn’t watching the movie. “What’s this?” he asked, holding up a college brochure.

A knot formed in her stomach, but she forced herself to reply honestly. “Oh, I picked it up at the library last week. At first it was just an idea, but I’ve been thinking about it and I’d really like to start taking classes. You know, one at a time. Utah Valley University isn’t too far away.”

Riley’s face was devoid of all expression. “Isn’t that expensive?”

“I may be able to get a scholarship. Of course then I’d have to take more classes. I don’t know. I thought that with your raise, maybe we could afford a class. We could budget for it.”

“Why do you have to go back to school?”

The knot in her stomach grew heavy, and her hands involuntarily clenched into fists. She took a deep breath. “The kids are getting older. Soon they’ll be gone. I need to do something with my life.”

“You are doing something. You’re a mother and a wife, for heaven’s sake.”

“I can do this, too.” She took a few steps toward him. “There are a lot of hours in the day.”

Riley’s bottom lip jutted out, and now Mickelle recognized the expression: he was jealous. “Are you sure you aren’t going so you can meet guys?” His voice was light, but she knew he was completely serious.