Thou Art With Me (13 page)

Cindy fished some resort stationery out of a drawer and handed it to Jeremiah.

“What do you want me to do with this?” he asked.

“I want you to write a letter from Malcolm to his wife. Then we’re going to seal it up in an envelope addressed to her and put it inside the journal.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Tell her that you have a bad feeling about something and that just in case you want her to know that the combination to your briefcase is I don’t know, make up some numbers, and that you’ve got some money or something in there. Also that you’ve got a diamond hidden in the heel of your one shoe. You know how paranoid you always are about being caught somewhere with no access to your money, but you want her to be able to recover these things in case something happens, etc.”

“Aha, so they’ll need to check his shoes, which are hopefully with him, and his briefcase which might not be. Excellent thinking. That’s better than what I was coming up with.”

“Thank you,” she said with a grin.

He barely had time to finish the letter and seal it in the envelope before they had to head to their afternoon sessions. He slid the book underneath the mattress just in case anyone came in while they were gone. It wasn’t the most secure place in the world, but at least it wasn’t sitting out in the open.

By the time Mark made it home he was exhausted. He was home early which should make Traci happy. He just hadn’t been able to keep it together any longer. On the way home he nearly fell asleep twice and it was not a long drive. He’d only barely remembered to pick the things up at the store she’d requested.

The house looked so peaceful when he pulled up into the driveway and he sat in his car a moment, just drinking it in. He had hoped to spend some time tonight going over the coded pages and seeing if he could discover anything about them. That just wasn’t in the cards, though. He was, however, immensely grateful that it was Traci’s turn to be on diaper duty.

He got out of the car and somehow made it to the front door, dragging his feet more with each step. He unlocked it, walked inside, and saw Traci in the kitchen, working away.

He closed the door, took a step forward, and right as Traci turned around he saw sparks flashing behind her and then something exploded.

13

Mark shouted as Traci screamed and covered her head. Mark lunged past her as he realized the source of the sparks. He turned off the microwave and yanked the door open. The husks of what might have been baked potatoes sat empty, their insides vaporized. They rested on top of a serving plate with fine gold metallic decorations around the border.

He turned to look at Traci who ran to him, threw her arms around his neck, and broke down sobbing. He held her in stunned silence, not sure what to say.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she finally managed to get out amidst the sobs.

“It’s not your fault, honey. It was an accident,” he said.

He was stunned, though. He’d never known her to have any kind of kitchen mishap let alone one involving metal in the microwave.

“All the dinner plates were dirty and I knew I had to hand wash two for dinner, and I just couldn’t handle washing one more, and I thought I’d use a serving plate.”

“And you didn’t realize the one you grabbed had metal on it.”

“I forgot. I’m forgetting so much lately.”

“It’s okay. We both are. It’s because our sleep schedules have been interrupted for so long. We’ll get through this, though. Rachel and Ryan won’t be infants forever.”

“I can’t be on diaper duty tonight, I just can’t,” she said, continuing to cry.

Mark winced. He had been counting on her handling that tonight since he was the walking dead. Instead he heard himself saying, “It’s okay, I can do it tonight.”

He glanced once more at the microwave, wondering how on earth the contents of the two potatoes had managed to vaporize. He’d seen a lot of frightening things in all his years as a cop, but that gave him the creeps.

“Why don’t we go sit down on the couch?” he suggested.

Traci nodded and he led her over there and sat down with her. She sank onto his chest and he held her. They were both so frazzled and they needed some time just for themselves.

“I was thinking that we need to get a babysitter so we can go out, just the two of us, for Valentine’s Day,” he said, hoping the thought would cheer her up.

Apparently he had guessed wrong as she started sobbing harder. He was bewildered, wondering how what he had suggested could be making things worse.

Finally Traci looked up at him. “I called everyone already and no one can do it.”

There was so much anguish on her face that he knew he had to do something, even if it was drastic. He chose his next words carefully. “I know we said we’d always just use friends and family, but I know there is a very reputable service that some of the guys at work have told me about, and the babysitters are all thoroughly screened, the works.”

“I already called them and everyone’s booked,” Traci said.

He was stunned to hear that. Even more than he, Traci had been adamant about not letting strangers take care of their children. It just went to show how desperate she was.

“Well, you know what, to heck with Valentine’s Day. I say we make our own Valentine’s Day. We’ll take off the weekend after, just the two of us, and have a little getaway. I’m sure we can twist someone’s arm into helping out after the holiday.”

“You mean it?” Traci asked.

“Of course I do. I’ll make all the arrangements, unless you want to pick where we’re going.”

“No, I don’t want to have to think or worry about one more thing. I’m sick of making a thousand decisions every day. I just want to forget it all and relax.”

“Then that’s exactly what you’re going to do.” He kissed the top of her head. “Don’t worry, it will all be just fine.”

She settled down and leaned her head on his shoulder, her tears drying up. He sat with his arm around her, offering whatever support and comfort was his to give. It was some kind of miracle that they hadn’t heard a peep from the twins during the entire meltdown.

“There’s a Valentine’s Day dinner at Cindy’s church. She said a lot of families go to it,” Traci said after a minute. “So, there’ll be a lot of other kids, but at least we could go out.”

“Then let’s do that,” he said.

“Okay.”

She was sounding a lot calmer. Not calm enough yet for him to be able to make a joke about the microwave, but definitely getting there.

As if she couldn’t stand not being the center of attention any longer Rachel let out a piercing scream from the other room. It was so loud and sudden that it made both Mark and Traci jump.

He thought about sitting still and praying that she would just decide to stop. A second blast, though, forced him up onto his feet and had him heading for the nursery.

Yoga and a small group session had been okay although Cindy felt like she’d been turned into a bit of a pretzel in the one and a knot of tension in the other. Their last afternoon session before dinner was with Dr. Carpenter, which would likely prove interesting.

They walked into Dr. Carpenter’s office. The dominating feature of the room was a big, comfy looking leather sofa. There was also a cherrywood desk, some file cabinets, and an equally comfortable looking leather chair that he was sitting in behind his desk. He was hunched over, intently studying some papers, and he did not lift his eyes.

“We will begin in one minute. First I will talk to each of you individually for fifteen minutes. Then I will talk to you both for thirty minutes. I will start with the woman first. The other one may wait outside until it is his turn.”

His word choice totally stunned and offended Cindy. “We do have names, you know?”

“Do you? We shall see,” he said, without looking up from the papers on his desk.

“I don’t want to go first,” Cindy objected, feeling rattled and more than a little creeped out.

“And yet you will go first because that is the way in which it is done.”

She turned to look at Jeremiah expecting to see him look as angry as she was. Instead his face was an absolute blank. She stared at him. How did he do that? She remembered that for the longest time it had been nearly impossible to read any of his emotions. She realized now that because of who he was and all his training that he had made an active effort to emote, particularly around her.

She appreciated it. Staring at him and not being able to get the least little hint as to what he was thinking or feeling was unnerving.

“You’ll be fine. I’ll be right outside,” Jeremiah said, his voice completely neutral.

She wanted to punch him in the arm because his tone did nothing to calm her down. She refrained, though, and went and sat on the couch. Jeremiah closed the door, sealing her in with the psychologist.

“Let’s get this over with,” Cindy said.

“Not for another 15 seconds,” he chided.

“Are you kidding me?”

“I never joke about time. Timing is everything, especially in relationships.”

“What do you mean?”

“One second you meet, another second you do not. You meet at the right time and you fall in love. You meet at the wrong time and you don’t. At the right time you can establish a relationship. At the wrong time you cannot. And when things begin to fall apart at the right time you can speak the words that will save it while at the wrong time you can’t.”

He finally looked up at her. “And this is now the right time to figure out where you and your boyfriend are, timewise.” He leaned back in his chair. “So, tell me, why do you love your boyfriend?”

“That’s none of your business,” Cindy snapped.

“Ah, but it is very much my business and this is the time for you to find out if the relationship works for you. My dear, believe it or not I am on your side,” he said, his voice softening a little at the end.

Cindy took a deep breath. “He’s strong, smart, thoughtful, spiritual, fun. I feel safe when I’m with him.”

“And what happened to you as a child that feeling safe is such a driving force for you?”

She stared at him in surprise. “What makes you think something happened to me?”

“Because the first characteristic of his that you listed was that he was strong. And the thing that he makes you feel is safe. You didn’t say that he makes you feel excited or alive, loved or appreciated, ready to take on the world, supported or respected, or even beautiful. You said he makes you feel safe. That means that safety is a number one concern for you and the only people who have that as their number one concern in life are those who have felt truly unsafe in the past, generally as a result of something traumatic that happened to them as a child.”

“I, I thought I had gotten over my need to be safe,” Cindy blurted out, shocked at the revelation.

“No, my dear, you haven’t. You’ve just redefined safety for yourself and you’ve chosen this man to be your protector. You still have as great a need for safety as ever, but now you associate being with him as what keeps you safe. This allows you to probably engage in a great many more activities that have an element of risk in them than you once would have. You engage in these activities with confidence, not because you no longer need to feel safe but because as long as he is there you believe that you are safe regardless of what you’re doing.”

He was right. She knew it, felt it. Deep down she was still a scared little girl, but she’d found someone who she could trust to worry about her safety so that she didn’t have to.

“There is, on the surface, nothing wrong with finding a man who fulfills this need for you. We are all looking for life partners to fulfill particular needs. What we must keep in mind, though, particularly with someone like you who has an incredibly strong need for one thing in particular, is that we cannot sacrifice everything else to that need.”

“What are you saying?” Cindy asked.

“You need to feel safe. Being with this man makes you feel safe. Because you don’t want to lose him, or lose the safety he represents to you, there is a temptation to not rock the boat so to speak, to let other needs go unfulfilled because you’re afraid that if you push, you’ll lose him. For you it’s safety first and you sacrifice everything else to that.”

That had once been true of her, she knew that. Was it possible she was still sacrificing happiness in exchange for safety and security?

“Tell me what you dislike most about the relationship,” Dr. Carpenter said.

Cindy had had no intention of sharing any such thing with him, but even as she was reeling from the implications of what he’d already said she found herself answering.

“He’s not as physically affectionate as I’d like him to be.”

“Just sometimes or all the time?”

“Most of the time.”

“Why?”

She took a deep breath. “We come from two different religious backgrounds and long story short we haven’t been publically open about our relationship.”

“So, no kissing in front of other people because then they’d find out?”

“We can’t even hold hands.”

“That must be very frustrating.”

“It is. It’s like sometimes it doesn’t even feel like we’re dating.”

“What about when you’re alone?”

“He’s always very restrained.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“I wish I knew,” Cindy said.

“Have you told him you wish him to be more demonstrative?”

“Yes.”

“Have you really pushed to take your relationship into the open?”

“No.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because...” she drifted off, struggling to understand her own motivations in that regard. “Because I respect his wishes and I understand where he’s coming from.”

“You’re lying to yourself right now, Cindy,” Dr. Carpenter said very quietly.

“Because I’m afraid if I make it an issue, I’ll lose him,” she said, heart beginning to pound.

“And as much as you’re craving a relationship you don’t have to hide, as much as you’re craving being able to kiss him whenever you want, it’s not worth risking the feeling of safety that he gives you.”

“Oh my gosh,” Cindy said. She felt like she had just been turned inside out.

“It’s okay,” Dr. Carpenter said, his voice soft, gentle even. “We are raised believing that we are complex creatures. It can be a shock when we realize the truth.”

“What truth is that?” Cindy asked, feeling tears begin to slide down her cheeks.

“That we are driven by only one or two things and that we will sacrifice everything else in our lives to obtain those one or two things. For you it’s safety. You’ll sacrifice a normal, healthy relationship for it, and I suspect that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I think you’ve sacrificed everything your life could have been on that altar. Now that you realize it, you have a choice. Do you continue to sacrifice? Or do you cast down the false idol that you have been worshipping and realize that safety in itself is an illusion. No one can promise it to you anymore than anyone can actually give it to you.”

They sat for a minute in complete silence while Cindy reflected on what he’d just said. Tears continued to stream down her face. There was so much to process, to think about, and it scared her.