Threads of Silk (25 page)

Ellie shifted in the deckchair, squinting against the sun. She breathed in the scents of early summer but it did nothing to lift her depression. She’d gone into the garden, taking her sketchpad and pencils, determined to shake off this awful lethargy and start working again. As she’d told herself countless times since returning from the nursing home, she couldn’t carry on like this. But as usual, after a few minutes, the pencil had slipped from her hand and she had closed her eyes, reliving once more that awful day and indulging in the fruitless game of ‘if only’.

Her recovery had been slow. Physically, she was well, so the doctors said. But she still couldn’t speak without dissolving into tears – in fact she hardly spoke at all.

When Doctor Bastow had expressed concern that she was not coping with her grief, Alex had moved her to a private nursing home. The doctors there had poked and probed, telling her that if she could only talk about it, her heart would start to heal.

But how could she? Once she started it would all come out. Alex hadn’t forgiven her for the loss of his son. How would he feel if he knew she’d killed her father too? Her mind clamped down on the thought, but she knew the memory of that lifeless body at the foot of the stairs would never be erased. Horrified at what she’d done, she’d fled the house, not stopping till she reached the main road and flagged down a taxi to Liverpool Street station. Slumping into a seat, the pain had washed over her and she became aware of the warm dampness between her legs.

As she lay in the hospital, she started every time the door to her private room opened. Surely the police would question her when they discovered she’d visited her parents. She didn’t care for herself But Alex didn’t deserve to be hurt any more.

Back home she started to relax a little. Maybe they thought it was an accident. Bert had been drinking as usual and, even if Mary had seen what happened, Ellie was sure she’d keep quiet for her daughter’s sake, especially after what she’d learned.

A shadow fell across her face. It was Mrs Mills. ‘Mrs Ridley telephoned. They’ll be over to see you tomorrow.’

Ellie didn’t know how she’d have coped without Norah and Trevor. They had visited often, offering their uncritical support and sympathy. But the busy season was starting and they couldn’t come so often now.

She stood up, gathering her drawing things together and folding the deckchair. She must try to make an effort for them this time. She’d bake a cake. It wouldn’t be anywhere near Norah’s standard but it would show them that she was on the mend.

In a sudden burst of enthusiasm she sifted the flour, beat eggs into a bowl. Then, as if a shadow had passed over the sun, she started to shiver. The whisk fell from her hand to clatter on to the worktop. She sat down and put her head in her hands, waiting for the spasm to pass, as she knew from experience it soon would.

Alex found her there when he returned from the mill. She looked up at him, scarcely recognizing him as he gazed coldly at her.

‘You’ve got to snap out of it, Ellie,’ he said. ‘Otherwise you’ll end up back in the nursing home.’

‘No, Alex, I’m all right. Really, I am.’ She was anxious to reassure him. The idea of returning to the nursing home filled her with horror. She wasn’t ill – just tired.

‘Look, I was making a cake for Norah and I started to feel giddy.’ She pointed to the bowl of beaten eggs, the ready-greased cake tins, forcing a smile. ‘Why don’t you have a drink while I get dinner ready?’

‘I’ve already eaten,’ he said. ‘Don’t you realize it’s past midnight?’ He left the room abruptly.

Ellie couldn’t believe she’d lost so many hours. She cleared away the debris of her cake-making efforts, before going upstairs to her lonely room. Since her return from hospital, Alex had slept in the guest room. Resuming marital relations was the last thing on Ellie’s mind, but she missed the comforting warmth of his body against hers. Not that he was here that much these days – business seemed to take him to Manchester more often. His frequent absences, together with his continued coldness, served to confirm what she’d only suspected – he was having an affair.

As she undressed and brushed her hair, Ellie wondered why she minded so much. She was still fond of Alex and was truly sorry she’d hurt him, but she’d never really loved him as she felt he deserved to be loved.

In the early days, determined to make her marriage work, she’d tried to please him, tried to prove herself deserving of his love. They had been happy – for a while. But it was too late now. He’d never forgive her for the loss of their child.

Ellie got into bed and switched off the bedside light. The darkness couldn’t hide the images that paraded before her closed eyes as she relived the row with her father, his vicious blow and her enraged response; his lifeless body at the foot of the stairs. She lived again her headlong flight through the streets; the pain, the blood running down her legs, and the agonizing ambulance trip which ended at the hospital.

She sat up and swung her legs out of the bed. It was no good – much as she hated them, she’d have to take one of her tablets. At least her sleep would be dreamless. She went to the bathroom cabinet and swallowed a pill with a mouthful of water. Back in bed, she schooled herself to think of Norah’s visit the next day.

But, at last, she spiralled down into drug-induced oblivion, her last thought was a despairing cry from the heart – why hadn’t she heard from Harry or her mother? Had they deserted her? Did they too blame her for the death of her father?

Alex was also sleepless that night. His anger with Ellie had cooled. How could he continue to blame her for the loss of their baby when she was so obviously suffering too? But try as he might, he found it impossible to make the first move to comfort her. It was easier to find solace in Barbara’s arms.

The nursing home doctor had reinforced Dr Bastow’s opinion – Ellie was young and healthy; there was no reason why she shouldn’t have another baby – and the sooner the better.

The trouble was, Alex knew how his wife felt about sex, although she’d tried not to let him see what an ordeal it was. He’d been patient. But his patience had worn thin – that was why he’d taken up with the eager and enthusiastic Barbara.

Now, after spending so much time with his mistress, the idea of forcing himself on Ellie just to make her pregnant was totally repugnant to him. And would a baby really save their marriage? Wouldn’t it be better to end it now?

As he tossed and turned in the narrow guest-room bed, Alex admitted that that was what he really wanted – a clean break and a fresh start. He’d believed his love for Ellie would last for ever and he sighed as he recalled their early days together. From the moment he first saw her, he’d been entranced by her unselfconscious beauty. But it was her enthusiasm and determination to succeed that had won his heart.

In retrospect he knew that his marriage had been a mistake. The very things he’d loved about her – her independence and hard work – were not what he wanted from his wife. But it was too late now. He could hardly desert her until she recovered from what the doctors were calling a nervous breakdown.

Resolving to make the best of things for the time being, he turned over in bed, punching his pillow to try and get comfortable, and resisting the temptation to get up and take one of his wife’s sleeping pills.

The next morning, eyes gritty and sore from his sleepless night, Alex went down to the kitchen and made his own coffee. He wasn’t surprised that Ellie was still in bed. The effect of the pills the doctor had prescribed seemed to make her tired and lethargic by day as well as helping her sleep at night. Maybe it was time she stopped taking them and tried to return to a semblance of normal life.

He took her a cup of coffee and reminded her that the Ridleys were due for lunch. ‘I’m sorry I won’t be here. I simply must go and sort out a few things at the mill. I’ve spent so much time in Manchester lately that I’ve been neglecting this end of the business.’

Ellie sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. Her face was pale and puffy, dark shadows under her eyes. ‘I wish I’d phoned and put them off,’ she said. ‘I don’t feel like visitors today.’

Alex felt a spurt of irritation. ‘They’re not just “visitors” – they’re the nearest thing you have to a family, for God’s sake,’ he snapped. In the early days of their marriage Alex had resented the couple’s place in Ellie’s affections. But he acknowledged that if anyone could help his wife now, it was the practical down-to-earth Norah.

Ellie’s eyes filled with tears, as they did so often these days. But this time he wasn’t moved, just exasperated. Despite his earlier resolve his voice was rough as he urged her to snap out of it. Even as he spoke the words he knew it wasn’t the answer. She just needed more time.

He left the room abruptly and picked up his briefcase, calling out a goodbye from the foot of the stairs. As he opened the front door the phone rang and he snatched it up quickly, worried it might be Barbara.

He tensed as he recognized the man’s voice – the same man who’d phoned often over the past few weeks asking to speak to Ellie.

‘I’m afraid my wife is still in the nursing home. She’s too ill for visitors, and she certainly won’t be taking any orders for a long time yet – if at all,’ he said.

‘I’m sorry to hear that. Please pass on my good wishes,’ the other man said.

Alex put the phone down and glanced towards the stairs. It was for Ellie’s own good, he told himself, justifying his lies. He couldn’t have her bothering her head about making scarves until she was better. As he left the house and got in the car, he wondered whether the mysterious caller really was a potential customer. He’d gone through Ellie’s papers and been shocked when he realized how many customers she had, but had found no reference to the name Barnes. Was he the unknown visitor on the day of his wife’s accident, and was he a former lover?

Harry was beginning to get to grips with the business end of running the garage and despite his earlier apprehension, it wasn’t as complicated as he’d feared. Looking after Sid’s small business had helped and he’d always been quick with figures. He preferred the practical side though, getting down in the pit under the cars, breathing in the smell of oil and getting his hands dirty.

He’d been delighted when, a few days after the move, Mary had declared the house ‘straight’ and asked if she could help in the office. Now she spent the best part of the day answering the phone, booking cars in for their service and dealing with the official forms demanded by the new MOT tests.

Mary looked fitter than she had for years. She’d been understandably nervous at the thought of leaving Bert, as well as making a new life away from the place she’d lived all her life. But now she’d stopped looking over her shoulder, thinking that he was going to come after her.

Sometimes though, Harry caught a distant look in her eyes, a drawing down of the corners of her mouth. It only echoed his feelings. Ellie hadn’t been in touch since her flight from Kendall Street, the second time she had run away.

They now had a phone number and address, but, apart from learning from her husband that Ellie had lost the baby, there was no further news.

Harry put down the phone, his eyes bleak. There must be something seriously wrong. This latest phone call had convinced Harry that Alex hadn’t passed on his messages. There had been something evasive in his voice. He stood up, decision made. He’d go and see for himself. Never mind the business. It would all mean nothing if anything had happened to Ellie.

Mary came in with two mugs of coffee and nodded towards the phone. ‘Any joy?’ she asked.

‘I spoke to her husband again. He says she’s still in the nursing home – no visitors allowed.’

‘Did you say you were a relative? Perhaps if he knew her mother wanted to see her, he’d change his tune?’

‘I can’t do that, Mary. You know why,’ Harry said, knowing how much it would hurt her. He’d explained already that Ellie’s husband thought she had no family. That was why, when he’d first spoken to Cameron and he’d assumed Harry was one of Ellie’s clients, he’d given the name Barnes.

‘She obviously didn’t get a chance to say anything when she got home that night. From what I can gather she was taken straight to hospital and lost the baby – and she’s been ill ever since.’

Mary gave a strangled sob. ‘My poor baby. If only there was something I could do.’

‘Well, I’m going to do something. I’m going up there and I’m going to make Cameron tell me the name of the nursing home. I want to see for myself what’s wrong.’

‘I’ve been hoping you’d say that,’ Mary said, brightening.

‘I couldn’t before but now things are up and running, I can take a day off.’

After the front door closed and the sound of Alex’s car faded away, Ellie sat up in bed. Her face was swollen with tears. She couldn’t let Norah and Trevor see her like this. Alex was right, she thought miserably. She should snap out of it.

She’d always been strong. Hadn’t she survived her father’s assaults, coped with her grandmother’s death? Even running away and making a new life had taken courage. And she’d stood up to Michael Turner when he’d tried to ruin Alex’s business. She’d built up her own business too and made a success of it.

She swung her legs out of bed and forced her unsteady legs to carry her to the bathroom. The bottle of pills on the glass shelf caught her eye. Were they really doing her any good? But if they were, why did she feel so much worse these days? She picked the bottle up, then replaced it firmly. Doctors didn’t always know best.

Her friends would be here soon and she wanted to be clear-headed when they arrived. Norah was really worried about her and she wanted to reassure her friend that she was on the mend at last – even if she still felt as if a black cloud hovered over her head most of the time. She would smile and join in the conversation if it killed her.

It took an age to wash and dress and the effort of doing her hair and make-up left her drained. She sat on the bed, longing to lie back and pull the covers over her head. But she wouldn’t be beaten. She pushed herself up and went downstairs on unsteady legs.

In the kitchen she looked in the larder and the fridge. What on earth could she give them for lunch? She was still trying to decide when the door bell pealed.

Norah gave her a hug, while Trevor hovered behind, beaming his usual wide smile.

It was another warm day and Ellie led them out to the garden where a table and chairs were set out under a flowering cherry. Norah went back into the house to make drinks. Like most men Trevor was uncomfortable with illness and they sat in awkward silence until Norah rejoined them with a tray of iced tea.

The older woman looked at Ellie critically. ‘Well, love, you’re certainly looking better but you could do with bucking up, though. How about a little sea air, get the roses back in your cheeks?’ she suggested.

‘That’s just what I said to Mum,’ Ellie said before she could stop herself. Her hand flew to her mouth as Norah looked her in the eye.

‘What do you mean?’ her friend asked, then flapped a hand at her. ‘No – don’t feel you have to tell us, not if you don’t want to.’

Ellie gazed at her two dearest friends and her eyes filled with tears. It would be such a relief to confide in them. But, although she hoped they’d understand, she couldn’t tell them everything.

As she hesitated, Norah smiled encouragingly and flapped a hand at Trevor. ‘I’ve got a feeling this is girl’s talk, love. Why don’t you go and talk plants with that gardener bloke?’

Trevor gave an embarrassed laugh and patted Ellie’s shoulder awkwardly, before ambling across the lawn into the kitchen garden. When he’d gone Norah took Ellie’s hand.

‘You know Trev and me love you like you were our own, don’t you?’ she said. ‘And we’ve been so worried about you. It’s not just the baby is it?’

Ellie shook her head and her bottom lip quivered.

‘I thought there was something else on your mind. If there’s anything I can do to help….’

‘There’s nothing anyone can do,’ Ellie cried. And then it all came out – running away from home and cutting herself off from her family, her love for Harry and her despair when he wrote to say he was getting married, and, last of all, her visit to her old home and the row with her father. But she left out her reasons for running away and she certainly couldn’t tell Norah that her last sight of her father had been his body at the foot of the stairs.

When she’d finished she leaned against Norah’s comforting arm and wiped her eyes. ‘I should have told you before – not let you think I was an orphan,’ she said. ‘Do you think it was very bad of me?’

‘You had your reasons, love,’ Norah said. ‘But I don’t understand. Your mum must have been relieved to see you – I’m sure she forgave you.’

‘She did.’

‘Well, then?’

‘I haven’t heard a thing since I got home from the hospital. They’ve got my address and phone number and I wrote to them as soon as I was feeling well enough.’ Ellie wiped away a stray tear. ‘I can only think it’s because of the row with my dad.’

How could she tell Norah she’d killed him? Maybe Harry and her mother were protecting her by not getting in touch – or maybe they blamed her for the accident. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, had she? Remembering the hatred and anger she’d felt as she lashed out, Ellie wasn’t so sure.

‘Maybe losing the baby was a punishment,’ she whispered.

‘Don’t talk nonsense, Ellie. Losing the baby was a tragic accident. It could happen to anybody.’ Norah poured a glass of iced tea and handed it to Ellie with an encouraging smile. ‘There’s no reason why you shouldn’t have another baby,’ she said.

‘I’m not so sure about that,’ Ellie said, sipping the cool drink.

Norah gave her a sharp look. ‘Is everything all right between you and Alex?’

‘I don’t know. One minute he’s behaving quite normally, the next it’s as if he hates me. I know he blames me—’

‘That’s nonsense too,’ Norah declared.

‘I didn’t tell him why I went to London that day. He thinks I went to see a customer and he’s furious that I put my business before the baby.’

‘But surely if you explained about your mother being ill, he’d understand.’

‘I lied to him – and it’s very hard to find a way to tell the truth once you start lying. Besides, I’d have to explain about Harry.’

‘You still feel the same way about him?’

‘Oh, Norah. I know it’s stupid. I kept telling myself it was just a childish infatuation. When he came home on leave that last time I realized he felt the same. But he was already married by then….’

‘So you married Alex.’

‘I knew I’d lost Harry for ever. And Alex loved me. I tried to make it work.’ Ellie went to lean on the fence, gazing across the paddock. She turned to her friend. ‘I had everything a girl could wish for. I even convinced myself I was happy, especially when I got pregnant.’

‘And now it’s all gone wrong,’ Norah said softly.

‘I don’t think things will ever be right again,’ Ellie said. She looked up and saw Trevor coming towards them. Giving a little wave and a forced smile, she took Norah’s arm and they went to meet him. ‘I don’t mind Trevor knowing what I’ve told you but you won’t say anything to Alex, will you?’

Norah agreed. ‘It’s none of my business, Ellie – although I do think you should tell him. And you must get in touch with your family. They might not know about the baby and I’m sure your mother at least would want to be told.’

‘I’ll think about it,’ Ellie promised.

‘And think about talking to Alex, too,’ Norah advised.

‘I will,’ Ellie said. But she knew it would be hard.

After a sandwich lunch, which they ate in the garden, Ellie’s friends left, promising to come again soon, provided their assistant had managed the café all right in their absence. Now they were getting busy they didn’t like to close for even one day a week.

When they’d gone, Ellie bathed her face, still blotchy from the tears she’d shed. To her surprise she did feel a lot better. Although she hadn’t told Norah the whole story, it had relieved some of the burden.

Now, all she had to do was try and regain Alex’s trust and affection. She’d been so wrapped in her own misery that she’d hardly given a thought to his feelings. He had said some harsh things, spilling out his grief and hurt. But, if they were to have a future together, they had to break down the barriers, grieve together and move on from the tragedy.

Ignoring the bottle of pills once more, and with a lighter step, Ellie ransacked her wardrobe for something special to wear. She brushed her hair and put on more make-up, then slipped the pale-blue cotton dress over her head. It was one that Alex had always admired, tight over the bodice and with a wide belt cinched at the waist, accentuating her regained figure.

She looked at herself in the mirror and practised a smile. The old Ellie might not have all her sparkle back yet – but she’d put on a convincing act. She owed it to her husband.

Just for a second she allowed herself to think of Harry. Those few moments in his arms had been enough to tell her that her feelings hadn’t changed. Ever since their childhood there’d been a bond between them, strengthening into love as they grew up. Despite the mess they’d both made of their lives, the thread that bound them together was even stronger. They both knew it although they’d tried to deny it.

With a sigh she stood up and began tidying the room. It was too late. After what had happened she didn’t think he’d ever want to see her again. She didn’t really blame him for not getting in touch.

She wouldn’t cry, she told herself as she threw things into a drawer. She’d made her decision – a new beginning with Alex. And she’d make a start by moving his things back into their room. In the spare room, his open suitcase, still not unpacked, stood on a chest at the foot of the bed. Ellie hung his suit in the wardrobe and put the dirty shirts and socks in the laundry hamper on the landing. There were a couple of magazines and a book in the bottom of the case and she idly flicked through them. As she did so a little cellophane packet fell on to the floor.

At first she didn’t realize what it was. She and Alex had never used contraception.

When he returned from the mill she was sitting on the bed in the spare room. He paused in the doorway and she held her hand out. In it was the damning evidence of his infidelity.

She didn’t have to say anything. She could see the truth in his stricken expression.

‘Who is she?’ she whispered.

‘Does it matter?’ Alex’s shoulders slumped and he moved towards her, his hand outstretched. ‘Ellie, I’m truly sorry—’

‘The question is, Alex – what are we going to do about it?’ She couldn’t believe how calm her voice was. But she’d had time to absorb the shock, to sort out her conflicting emotions. And in a way, it was a relief. It meant that she could blame someone else for the failure of her marriage. But it was up to Alex now. She was prepared to forgive, if not to forget, and have one last try at patching up their shaky relationship.

But Alex had gone on the offensive. ‘What are
you
going to do about it, you mean. What did you expect? I wanted a proper wife, not a career woman – and a frigid one at that.’

Her eyes widened in shock. It was the first time he’d accused her so blatantly.

He was immediately contrite. ‘That was unforgivable. Whatever the problem is, I’m sure it’s not your fault.’ He turned and paced the room. ‘I wanted things to work out, Ellie, and I thought that given time—’

‘That’s what I wanted too, Alex, truly.’

He turned to face her, his eyes bleak. ‘If only….’ His voice trailed away.

‘If only our child had lived, you mean. Don’t you think I’ve thought the same thing over and over these past months? But, Alex – we have to move on. We’ve got to decide what we both want in the future.’ Or even if we have a future together, she thought.

Alex paced the room, struggling for words while she sat on the bed watching him. Then he turned to face her. ‘I think it would be best if I moved out for a while – give us time to think things over,’ he said.