Three Sisters (24 page)

What made it hard was missing him. At first she just missed having him around, but after some time, her body longed for him and that mystified her. She had been afraid of "that thing" but after Guo Zuo, and after such a long time, how had she come to want it as if it were an addiction? It was an unusual longing that would come with a vengeance, as if claws were gouging her heart. But Guo was nowhere to be found. She tossed and turned in bed and finally pressed down on herself with a pillow; she felt better, but only slightly. Gasping for breath, she was convinced she was a slut. Why else had she become so shameless?

One night her longing took on a new guise; it was her mouth that longed for something, a strange longing, a craving that made her wish she could stuff a handful of salt into her mouth. In the end, she got out of bed and tried some salt. It took her breath away, but it didn't help. Opening the cupboard, she made a careful inspection, but turned up nothing to eat but garlic, leeks, soy sauce, vinegar, MSG, and sesame oil. She decided on the vinegar, the sight of which made her drool. A small sip energized her immediately, the tart taste reaching down into her heart and taking the edge off of her hunger. Problem solved. Relieved and comforted, she tipped her head back and took one big gulp after another, realizing that she was more than just a slut—she was also a glutton. No wonder the old folks in Wang Family Village said, "A male glutton is poor for a lifetime, a female glutton has loose pants."

Unaware of what was happening in her body, Yuxiu was not convinced that she was pregnant until the third month, in mid-October. Still young, she was little bothered by morning sickness, which lasted but a short time, and since she was busy with work at the purchasing station, she ignored the symptoms. Her first missed period ought to have alerted her that something was out of the ordinary, but at the time she was preoccupied with Guo Zuo. She carried on imaginary conversations with him, quarreling, then making up, then quarreling again. Immersed in thoughts of him all day along, she forgot about herself. When her period didn't come the second month, she was momentarily concerned, but then she reflected on what had happened in the spring. She didn't get pregnant after being raped and didn't think she would this time because Guo Zuo had been the only one.

More men meant more virility. How could a single man be more virile than all those others combined? Comforted by the false certainty that nothing would happen, she teased herself that being pregnant with Guo's child would give her the perfect excuse to go see him in the provincial city. That thought put her in a happy mood; although she couldn't be certain, she was convinced that everything would turn out fine, that her period would come in a few days. When it still hadn't arrived nearly a week into the third month, she began to feel uneasy, yet continued to hope that luck was with her. When the pregnancy was confirmed, she was, of course, afraid, but still she hoped for the best, anticipating a miscarriage. Deep down, however, her heart grew increasingly heavy, and her mind filled with apprehension, up one minute and down the next, as if she were stumbling along on a gimpy leg.

By the middle of October Yuxiu's concerns multiplied. She knew she had to come up with a plan. The most important thing was that Yumi could never know; for if she did, Yuxiu would be as good as dead. There was only one path out of her predicament—to get rid of the thing inside her. And the best way to do that was to go to the hospital; but she'd be exposed if she did, which would make things worse than if she didn't go at all. She decided she had to find her own solution, the first of which was to jump up and down. She recalled how, back in Wang Family Village, Wang Jinlong's wife had miscarried as a result of jumping up and down after a fight with her mother-in-law. She'd slapped herself on the buttocks, then leaped around, cursing until she cried out and lost the baby.

That's what I'll do, I'll jump up and down.
And Yuxiu began carrying out her plan right away. Whenever she had a free moment, she'd find a secret place with a cement floor and jump forty or fifty times; she then increased it to seventy or eighty times and eventually to just under two hundred. She jumped higher and higher, but after two weeks, all that happened was that her appetite improved. So she told herself that she ought to slap her buttocks the way Jinlong's wife had done; so she did that four or five times, only to be disappointed by the false efficacy of a shrew's behavior. She had to find another solution. She was reminded of Zhang Fagen's wife, whose miscarriage had been caused by medicine prescribed by the co-op clinic when she had the shakes from malaria. Zhang's wife had lost a three-and-a-half-month-old fetus, which, according to the barefoot doctor, was caused by the quinine pills; the medicine bottle had indicated that pregnant women should avoid taking them. Now she knew how to take care of her problem—get hold of some quinine pills.

Despite being a common medicine, it took a great deal of effort to acquire them. She made some new friends, whom she called older sister or aunt, and after four or five days, she got what she needed. Her mind was finally at ease that morning when she went to work and took the pill bottle with her. She sneaked into the public toilet, where she dumped a handful of the pills out of the bottle and tossed them into her mouth. Denied water to help her swallow them, she had to chew the pills, crunching away as if she were eating fried broad beans; tears welled up in her eyes from the bitterness. She forced the pieces down, which filled her with assurance and happiness before returning to sit behind the scale and carry on conversations with the other workers. The medicine began to work after about as long as it takes to smoke a cigarette. Her lips turned purple and her eyes lost their focus; her neck hung limp and lolled around like a sick chicken's. Her mind, though, was still lucid; afraid that the others might try to send her to the hospital, she got up with a smile and walked toward the warehouse. She had to hold on to the wall when her body began to fail her and groped her way inside to climb onto sacks of grain before she passed out. Yuxiu slept till dark, during which time she had countless strange dreams. At first she dreamed that she had cut open her belly, taken out her intestines, and wound them around her neck before she began to squeeze out one of Guo Zuo's fingers from them. She kept squeezing, producing nine fingers, which she held in her hands and said, "Guo Zuo, these are all yours. Put them on." Guo took a look and picked one out to affix to his hand, which was missing a finger. Staring at the extra fingers in her hands, she wondered why there were eight more. Why? She didn't know the answer. Guo Zuo just stared at her. She panicked and woke up to find him standing in front of her. Greatly relieved, she leaped with joy. "You're back," she said. "I dreamed about you. I just dreamed about you." But, in fact, she was still dreaming.

Yuxiu was seriously ill for several days; as she waited for what she hoped for, she felt only half-alive. But her underwear remained clean—no sign of her problem being solved. Obviously, the quinine hadn't worked either.

Yumi, who was also pregnant, had grown lethargic and increasingly ill-tempered, forever ordering Yuxiu around for one thing or another. Yuxiu waited on her sister attentively, but her weakened state meant that she didn't always satisfy Yumi, who became even more demanding. Knowing she could not reveal her secret—if Yumi became suspicious, trouble was sure to follow—Yuxiu put on a happy face and did as she was told. Several times she was on the verge of collapse, but her strong will pulled her through. Her underwear, however, remained disappointingly pristine.

Even after all she'd been through, Yuxiu's belly finally began to show. It wasn't noticeable to others, but she could feel the bulge. What worried her most, of course, was that others might spot the difference, so to be on the safe side, she began dressing in autumn clothes as soon as October arrived. She put on a spring-and-autumn blouse she'd brazenly borrowed from Yumi, and she walked into Yumi's bedroom and stood before the dressing mirror to examine the lower hem. Worried that it seemed to flare outward, she thrust out her chest and grabbed the hem with both hands, tugging and pulling until she was satisfied with what she saw, both from the front and from the side. But when she let go, the blouse stuck up like pouting lips. To deal with the damned thing, she stood before the mirror, twisting this way and that way for quite some time until her hands froze at the sight of Yumi, who was coolly watching her in the mirror.

Yumi had been watching Yuxiu fuss over herself with great concentration, evidently trying out flirtatious and seductive poses. She opened her mouth to say something, but then changed her mind and looked away.
Yuxiu will never change. She's barely started working, and she is already playing tricks. The little bitch simply refuses to cover her rear with her tail, preferring to stick it into the air and wag it whenever a male dog comes sniffing around. Doesn't she know how that looks? Of all a woman's afflictions, a flirtatious nature is the hardest to change.

Yuxiu guarded her secret well until Little Tang, a woman with keen, perceptive, all-seeing eyes, stumbled on it. At noontime one day, Yuxiu went to the public toilet as usual. She was squatting there, holding her belt—actually nothing but a cord—in her teeth when Little Tang rushed in. Yuxiu wanted to greet Little Tang but, caught off guard, she overreacted and before she could say a word, the cord fell into the pit. Tang squatted down and chatted with Yuxiu for a moment, and when she stood up, she handed her own pant cord to Yuxiu. It had little value, but the gesture meant a great deal. Yuxiu refused it out of politeness, and in the process accidentally showed her belly. She was extra careful as always and sucked her belly in the moment it was exposed. But she was too young and inexperienced to realize that she had a light brown stretch mark that ran up to her navel. The significance of that mark escaped her, but not the worldly Little Tang, who reacted with surprise. She knew at once what was hidden behind that mark and glanced quickly at Yuxiu.

That brief look of research and exploration confirmed her suspicions. Four months, give or take, and by the look of it, a boy. Little Tang laughed to herself derisively,
Congratulations, Yuxiu.
Then, with a sideways glance, she scolded the girl, "Why have you stopped coming to visit? You're always so sweet, calling me 'aunty this' and 'aunty that,' but you've obviously forgotten all about me."

With a solicitous smile, Yuxiu tied her pants and left with Little Tang, responding to her with pleasantries.
Obviously,
she thought,
I'm too petty. I've been avoiding Little Tang all this time, and she has forgotten what happened and still considers me a friend.

It was midday the next time Yuxiu visited the accounting office. Little Tang had run into her in the dining hall and asked her to come by since Little Tang had to work on the books. Suffering from drowsiness, Yuxiu had wanted to take a nap, but she could not turn down Little Tang's warm and insistent invitation. So she went and sat down to eat fruit candy across from Little Tang for ten or fifteen minutes until the bookkeeper finished her work. Then they began to chat, just like before, with no sign of past unhappiness. Yuxiu was sleepy but happy, and Little Tang seemed as concerned as ever about the girl. But then she abruptly stopped talking and kept quiet for a long moment before resuming earnestly, "Yuxiu, apparently we're still not close enough. You don't treat me like a real friend."

The sudden change of tone confused Yuxiu, who could only blink and stare at Little Tang. "Yuxiu," she said, going straight to the point, "if you're in some sort of trouble, you shouldn't hide it from me. I ask you, who besides me can help you? And who besides you would I help?"

By then her eyes had fallen on the area beneath Yuxiu's breasts, quickening Yuxiu's heartbeat as she felt a slashing sound rise from her belly, as if Little Tang's gaze had opened it up, sending her secrets oozing out like intestines. Yuxiu paled as Little Tang quietly went over to shut the door so they could have a private heart-to-heart talk. When she returned, Yuxiu sat frozen, avoiding the woman's eyes. Little Tang walked up behind her, laid her hands on the girl's shoulders, and gently patted her. Feeling a warm current rise up inside her, Yuxiu turned and wrapped her arms around the waist of Little Tang, who knew exactly what was going on.

"Whose is it?" she asked softly. Yuxiu looked up and shook her head over and over; she wanted to cry, but knew she couldn't, so she just let her mouth hang slack. She had never looked so ugly before, which aroused Little Tang's sympathy. She bent down and whispered into Yuxiu's ear, "Whose is it?"

Yuxiu began crying so hard she could hardly breathe; strings of snot hung from her nose. As her own eyes reddened, Little Tang took Yuxiu's hands in hers.

"Aunty, please help me," Yuxiu pleaded in a choking voice.

Little Tang wiped tears from both her and Yuxiu's faces before repeating softly, "Whose is it?"

"Aunty, I beg you. Please help me."

Little Tang did not ask about the baby's father again, to Yuxiu's enormous relief. And she set out to help the girl in many areas. Nutrition, for instance.

She warned Yuxiu that pregnancy was too important an event in the life of a woman, married or not, to be careless. They'd talk about what to do about the child later, but Yuxiu must take care of herself, for if she didn't, and her health suffered, no amount of fish or meat could bring it back. Yuxiu just nodded, listening to Little Tang without a word, since she had no ideas of her own.

Tang prepared chicken broth, pork-rib soup, carp soup, and pig's foot soup that she sneaked into the accounting office. She made Yuxiu drink it all down, then forced her to eat the meat. She spent a good deal of her own money on Yuxiu's health and cared for her with the stern, strict manner of a loving mother, with no room for bargaining.

Yuxiu might have been young and impetuous, but by being forced to eat and drink, she realized how lovingly Little Tang treated her, just like a mother, and she often cried as she ate. Whenever that happened, Little Tang cried with her, sometimes even harder than Yuxiu. Yuxiu was no longer worried about the future, for now she had someone to lean on. She cried mainly because of Little Tang, the sort of friend only rarely encountered; with a friend like that, Yuxiu could ask for nothing more. She did not feel the same depth of gratitude and emotional attachment toward her own mother that she felt toward Little Tang, who told her not to worry. "Leave it to me," Little Tang said, all but thumping her chest for emphasis.