ThreeReasonsWhy (13 page)

Walking to the kitchen, she began to scoop out the desserts.
Her body was numb, her heart beating unnaturally fast and hard. She’d made some
mistakes in her life but this one was huge and the fallout would take her a
lifetime to recover from.

The bell above the diner door rang and Seth walked in. She
was surprised to see him take the seat next to Wes.

“Jeez, Jill. Want some fruit with that whipped cream?”
Cheryl asked from behind her.

She glanced down to discover she’d buried the berries in
whipped cream, the fluffy white stuff overflowing the plates and covering the
counter.

“Shit,” she mumbled.

“You okay, honey?”

Jill looked at Cheryl and nodded. She was having trouble
speaking through the lump in her throat.

“Are you sick? You look sort of pale.”

She was lightheaded, nauseous and the definite beginning of
a headache was emerging, but she didn’t tell Cheryl any of that. “I’m fine,”
she said, her voice sounding tense.

She walked back to the dining room before Cheryl could
question her further. She placed Wes’ dessert in front of him as he and Seth
conversed about last night’s basketball game. She delivered Jonesy’s dessert as
well.

As she turned, she hit her injured arm against the corner of
the coffee machine.

“Damn,” she said, rubbing the flesh. Wes and Seth looked up,
concerned.

“You okay, Jill?” Seth asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “Just banged my damn arm. Not paying
attention.”

Wes frowned. “Isn’t that the arm you hurt last night?”

She nodded. Her brain was fried and she wished she could
just go upstairs, curl into a ball and cry her eyes out. She was too tired for
this shit.

Seth looked from her to Wes. “What happened last night?”

Jill rubbed her forehead and considered taking a couple
aspirin. There was no way she was going to be able to avoid the coming
migraine.

Wes explained to Seth about the ice on the stairs and then,
to her surprise, he filled the man in on all the other odd pranks that had been
happening over the past couple of weeks, watching Seth closely for a reaction.
She’d told Wes that Seth was innocent, but obviously her word wasn’t good
enough. She’d lost total control of her life and here was Wes, questioning her
friend despite her assurances Seth would never hurt her.

Her temper snapped. She walked over to them and leaned
forward.

“Jealous much, Wes?” she asked, her voice lined with fury.

“What?” he asked, his face betraying his confusion. He was
surprised by her sudden anger.

“I don’t appreciate you accusing Seth in front of me.”

Wes frowned. “I wasn’t accusing Seth of anything. I was—”

“I know what you’re doing,” she said, her voice rising as
she cut him off. The conversation in the diner started to die down, but she
couldn’t make herself care. She needed to get Wes out of here, out of her life.
Everything had been fine until he’d come along and fucked it up. Made her want
things she couldn’t have. Made her feel things she shouldn’t.

She’d been content, in control. Now she was living in the
eye of a tornado, watching and waiting for the shit to hit the fan. It was
unnerving and frightening as hell. “What goes on in my life is none of your
business, so I’ll thank you to keep your nose out of it.”

Wes stood slowly, his face clouded with uncertainty. They
were attracting an audience and he knew it. “Jill, why don’t we go upstairs
and—”

“No!” she yelled. “No. I don’t want to talk. God, is it so
hard for you to understand that maybe there are things I just don’t want to
fucking talk about? Not now. Not ever!”

He nodded slowly. His jaw was set, his body tense. One
glimpse at his eyes and she knew. Knew he understood this argument had nothing
to do with her falling on ice. “I see.”

The simplicity, the coldness of his response spoke volumes.
“Good,” she said quietly.

Wes turned and left the diner without another word. Jill
sucked in a painful breath. Every eye in the diner was on her and she fought
against the urge to crumble to the floor in tears.

She turned stiffly toward Cheryl. “I have a headache. I’m
going upstairs.”

Cheryl nodded, her face showing dismay and disappointment.

Unable to face hurting yet another person she loved, Jill
closed her eyes and walked away.

* * * * *

Jill remained in her apartment all afternoon. She walked in,
dropped down on the couch and stared at the wall for hours. Dusk had set an
hour ago but she couldn’t summon the energy to turn on a light, so she sat in
the dark and listened to the silence. Wes hadn’t returned after her asinine
attack at lunch. Cheryl had knocked on the door earlier, but Jill didn’t
answer. Kate had been ringing her phone off the hook, but she’d let every call
go to voicemail.

She’d expected to cry, thought the tears would burn away
some of the pain, but they wouldn’t come. Obviously she’d held them at bay too
long. Instead, she was empty, numb.

Wes hadn’t come back. He had lots of personal items in her
apartment and she’d thought maybe he’d stop by to pick them up if nothing else.

A light knock on the door roused her. Her heart raced. Had
Wes had finally returned?

“Jill?” Seth’s voice called.

Just her luck, the wrong man at her door. Seth hadn’t come
to her apartment for months, not since she’d broken off their relationship.
Curiosity prompted her to rise and open the door. He’d witnessed her insanity
earlier with Wes. He was probably thanking his lucky stars he’d never gotten
too involved with her.

“Hey, Seth. What are you doing here?”

He looked uncomfortable. “Can I come in for a few minutes?”

She took a step back and gestured for him to enter. He
looked around, searching the room.

“Wes isn’t here,” she said.

He grinned good-naturedly and she thought she could sense
his relief.

“What’s up?” she asked, suddenly sorry she’d opened the
door. She was dog-tired and depressed as hell. Having a conversation with
anyone right now seemed like too much work.

Seth walked over to her couch and dropped down. She moved to
take the chair. They’d spent lots of time together in her apartment but very
little of it in the living room. Seth had been an easy lover, both of them
seeking each other out when the need for companionship became too great.
Neither of them expected or needed conversation. They were friends who’d built
a solid foundation of trust between them over the years. However, they’d
created nothing beyond that—no emotions, no demands, no shattered dreams.

Jill wished she’d managed the same feat with Wes.

“I’ve missed you,” he said.

She looked at him, confused. “Missed me? I’ve been right
here. Besides, I’ve seen you loads lately.”

“That’s not what I mean. I miss being with you.”

“Oh.” His confession caught her unaware. He’d never given
her any indication that their decision to stop sleeping together bothered him.

He looked at her with apologetic eyes tinged with longing
and she suddenly understood. God, she’d been blind. “Seth—”

“Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything. You were never
anything but honest about what you wanted from our relationship. I was the one
who was hiding the truth, lying about my hopes.”

She struggled to respond but his words struck a chord. She’d
been doing the same thing with Wes. Carrying him along on her roller coaster of
emotions, sending him so many damn mixed signals it was a wonder he’d stuck
around as long as he had.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know.”

He grinned ruefully. “I sort of consoled myself by thinking
that you didn’t want anybody. Didn’t take the brush-off too personally. Then
you started seeing Wes.”

“I’ve been a heartless bitch.”

“God, no. You haven’t. You’re in love with the guy. It’s
fucking with your head. Anybody can see that.”

She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the chair.
“Great. I like looking like an idiot in front of the whole town.”

He chuckled. “The idiot part wasn’t really apparent until
today.”

She opened her eyes and smiled. Seth was a good friend and
she appreciated his humor. “Gee, thanks.”

Seth shrugged. “That’s what friends are for.”

They sat in silence, though she knew there was more he
wanted to say. “So why are you really here?”

“I know who threw the brick through your window, who’s been
messing with your car and your toilets.”

She feared he was here to confess, but she couldn’t accept
that Seth would ever stoop to such juvenile pranks. Not even after she’d
unwittingly trampled on his heart. “Who?”

“You remember that woman I was dating for a while?”

She nodded. “The one you met at the bar in Harrisburg? The
one who was…” She paused, the answer becoming clear.

“Jealous,” Seth supplied. “Apparently, she didn’t like
getting dumped.”

“I don’t understand what that has to do with me. We were
finished before you started dating her.”

Seth leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs.
“That’s my fault. When I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore, she kept
pushing for a reason why. It sort of escalated into a nasty fight and I blurted
out that I was still in love with you.”

Jill winced.

“I shouldn’t have dragged your name into it. I knew she had
a jealous streak, but I didn’t have a clue she’d retaliate against you. I
figured she’d harass
me
. You know, a lot of crying phone calls, showing
up at my work to cuss me out.
That
kind of shit I expected. I had no
idea she’d go after you.”

“How do you know it was her?”

“I sort of had a bad feeling after Wes came by my work to
question me about someone breaking your window, but I brushed it off as
teenagers being stupid. Today at lunch, when he told me about the ice on your
stairs and your car, well, I just put two and two together. I drove up to
Harrisburg to see her today. Asked her straight out.”

“Asked or accused?”

Seth smiled sadly. “I knew it was her and I was pissed off.
It may have come across as an accusation.”

“And she confessed?”

He nodded. “Yeah. She actually twisted it around, tried to
make her actions look like true love. She thought I’d be impressed she would go
to such lengths for me. Thought it should prove what a fool I was for breaking
up with her.”

“Wow. Girls like that only come along once in a lifetime,
Seth. You might want to reconsider—”

“Don’t even finish that sentence,” he said. His tone was
light, playful. This conversation was going a long ways toward mending the rift
she hadn’t even noticed between them. She’d been so wrapped up in her own
self-pity lately, she’d failed to see the pain she’d caused a friend.

“Anyway,” Seth continued. “She’s offered to pay for all the
damages and to drive down here to apologize. She’s also promised to steer clear
of you from now on. Of course, it’s up to you if you want to press charges. She
would deserve it if you did and I wouldn’t blame you. It’s just…”

His words drifted away but she could fill in the blanks. He
felt guilty for what had happened. “I’m not going to press charges,” she said.
“And I don’t want you to think you’re responsible for this.”

He started to argue but she cut him off. “No, I mean it,
Seth. I was heartless and cruel.”

“Damn it, Jill, you weren’t—”

“Please let me finish. I thought you understood. I thought
you knew I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship. I suppose I’d closed
myself off enough from that concept that I didn’t notice when your emotions
became engaged.”

“I knew we were just hanging out. I mean, you said right at
the beginning you weren’t in it for love. Somewhere along the line I guess I
just forgot.”

“You could’ve told me.”

He smiled sadly and shook his head. “No. That only would’ve
ended things earlier. You love Robson, don’t you?”

She considered lying in order to protect him. She’d done
more than her fair share of tramping on his heart. Then she decided he deserved
the truth.

“Yes.”

“I’m glad,” he said easily.

“You are?”

“I was kind of afraid you’d never let yourself experience
that. You deserve to be happy and in love.”

She blinked quickly, trying to hold back the tears at his
kind words. “You are a wonderfully sweet man, Seth.”

He shrugged and she could tell she’d embarrassed him. He
stood up and she followed suit. She opened the door and he stepped out onto the
landing.

“Good luck, Jilly. I hope Robson realizes what he’s got with
you.”

She sucked back her breath, holding in the sob that almost
escaped. She nodded so she wouldn’t have to answer, wouldn’t have to admit that
it was
she
who had screwed everything up this time by keeping her own
secrets.

He hugged her and she returned the embrace.

“See you around,” he said, kissing her lightly on the cheek.

“I’ll be here,” she whispered as he walked downstairs. She
went back inside. Back into the dark. Alone…again.

* * * * *

Wes walked into the diner and claimed a seat at the counter.
He stared at the hallway that led to Jill’s apartment, trying to figure out his
next move. She’d thrown him for a loop earlier. He’d spent the past couple of
weeks certain he could overcome whatever issues Jill had with long-term
relationships. The utter desolation in her eyes this morning as she picked her
silly fight made him think he was wrong.

“That’s a serious look.”

Wes glanced over and saw his best friend standing beside him.
“Rick, I didn’t see you.”

“I noticed.”

“What are you doing here?”

Rick pointed to the Styrofoam carry-out box. “Kate’s working
late tonight. Parent-teacher conferences. So, I’m fending for myself for
dinner. Had to run into Harrisburg for some motorcycle parts and I’m late
getting back. Thought I’d let Jill fix my dinner for me.”