Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (19 page)

1 tablespoon soy sauce or tamari

2 teaspoons no-salt, all-purpose seasoning blend

1 teaspoon each dried thyme, basil, and oregano

½ teaspoon grated lemon zest

SOUP

1 teaspoon olive oil

2 carrots, chopped

2 ribs celery, chopped

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 cup small dried pasta**

9 cups vegetable broth

1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice

4 cups chopped kale or other dark, leafy greens

¼ teaspoon each salt and ground pepper

¼ cup chopped fresh parsley or basil

1
Crank your oven to 400°F. Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray.

2
Now, make the bean balls. Chop up the onion and measure out ¼ cup. Save the rest but push it to the side; we’ll use that shit in a bit. Mash up the beans in a large bowl until they form a paste. Some whole bean bits are cool, but try to keep that shit to a minimum. Stir in the rest of the ingredients including the ¼ cup chopped onion and mix it all up so that everything gets distributed. You might need to use your hands to really get in there. Don’t act like you’re too cool to touch bean paste. If it feels a little dry, add a tablespoon or two of water. Roll the dough into balls about the size of a golf ball and put them on the greased up baking sheet. You should get 20 to 25 depending on your rollin’ skills. Spray them with a little cooking spray and bake them for about 30 minutes, turning them over halfway, until both sides are golden brown.

3
While the balls are cooking, get your soup ready. In a large soup pot, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the rest of that onion from earlier (told ya), the carrots, and celery and sauté until the onion starts to brown, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic and pasta and cook for 30 more seconds. Gently pour in the broth and let it all simmer together until the pasta is tender, 10 to 15 minutes. Fold in the lemon juice, greens, salt, pepper, and parsley and turn off the heat.

4
When everything is ready, place 3 or 4 bean balls in the bottom of a bowl and gently ladle the soup over them. Serve it up right away. The balls will slowly break apart as you eat and everything will taste so damn good together you’ll understand why the fuck it’s called wedding soup.

*
Or two 15-ounce cans. Kidney beans would work, too, but those motherfuckers are red and we didn’t want to change the name of the recipe. Truth
.

**
Orzo, elbows, stars, letters, whateverthefuck you got
.

CUMIN-SPIKED
PINTO
BEAN DIP

Refried? Naw, we’re not feeling that. How about ripped the fuck apart? Try this creamy bean dip and show those beans who’s boss.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 3½ CUPS

2 teaspoons olive oil

1 white or yellow onion, chopped (about 1 cup)

1½ tablespoons ground cumin

¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper

3 cups cooked pinto beans
*

½ cup vegetable broth or water

2 tablespoons lime juice

Salt

1
Heat the oil up in a sauté pan and cook the onions until they begin to brown around the edges, about 4 minutes. Add 1 tablespoon of the cumin and all of the cayenne pepper and cook for another 30 seconds. This part should smell pretty fucking good. Turn off the heat and let that mix cool for a minute.

2
Drop the onions, beans, broth, lime juice, and the last ½ tablespoon of the cumin into a food processor and let that fucker rip until it’s creamy. No food processor? Just smash all that up until it has a consistency you can deal with. Taste and add a pinch or two of salt if you think it needs it.

*
Two 15-ounce cans if you’re lazy

WHITE BEAN AND
ROSEMARY
HUMMUS

If you’re looking to up your protein intake, this makes a great sandwich spread and it’s a hell of a lot better than some mayo misstep.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 4 CUPS

3 cups cooked white or cannellini beans
*

¼ cup
tahini

¼ cup vegetable broth or water

3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tablespoon minced fresh rosemary

1
Add everything to a food processor or blender and let that shit run until it’s nice and creamy. You know, aim for hummus-like. You could do this by hand with a potato masher but it will fucking take a while even if you are ripped.

2
Let it sit for 30 minutes in the fridge before serving so all those flavors can get acquainted.

*
Or two 15-ounce cans

SWEET CORN
AND BLACK-EYED
PEA
DIP

Some people call this Texas Caviar. We just call it goddamn delicious. This makes a fuckton of dip, so if you’re flying solo, just halve everything.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 5 CUPS

1 red bell pepper

1 small tomato

3 cups cooked black-eyed peas
*

1 cup raw corn kernels
*
*

½ cup sliced green onions

1
⁄
3
cup chopped cilantro

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 jalapeño, minced

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 tablespoons lime juice

2 tablespoons red wine vinegar

¼ teaspoon ground cumin

¼ teaspoon salt

1
Chop up the bell pepper and tomato into pieces about the size of a bean.

2
Add the black-eyed peas to a large bowl and smash them just a little bit. You want roughly one-third of them smashed up; the rest can stay whole. This just adds an extra creaminess to the dip, but you can skip it if you are over the whole mashed bean thing.

3
Mix in the pepper and tomato and everything else, stir, and taste. Easy. Add more lime juice or salt if you think it needs it. Serve this as a dip or over some greens for a fucking bomb-ass salad.

*
Two 15-ounce cans if you really don’t like saving money
.

*
*
That should be about 1 cob’s worth. Sigh
.

CREAMY
BLACK
BEAN
AND CILANTRO
DIP

This savory dip can elevate even the lamest party. YES, IT’S THAT FUCKING GOOD. It has the power to make you cool.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 3 CUPS

2½ cups cooked black beans
*

1
⁄
3
cup vegetable broth or water

2 cloves garlic

Juice of 1 lime

Pinch of salt

½ teaspoon chili powder

¼ cup chopped cilantro

½ cup chopped green onions

Throw all of that shit in a food processor and run until creamy. Or mash the everliving fuck out of it with a potato masher until it is the consistency you want. Serve warm, room temperature, or cold. This is a dope spread for a wrap or sandwich, too.

*
Or 1
2
⁄
3
15-ounce cans

BAKED ZUCCHINI CHIPS

In the middle of summer, most stores are practically giving away zucchini. Take advantage of that shit and make these chips. Snack like a goddamn king.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 30 CHIPS, DEPENDING ON THE SIZE OF YOUR ZUCCHINI. SO YEAH, SIZE MATTERS
.

Cooking spray

1 medium zucchini, about 4 inches long and 1½ inches wide

1 tablespoon flour
*

¼ teaspoon smoked paprika

¼ teaspoon garlic powder

Pinch of salt

1
Heat your oven to 350°F. Lightly coat a baking sheet with cooking spray.

2
Cut the zucchini into coins a little thicker than a quarter. If you cut them too thin they will burn the fuck up in the oven. If your slices start releasing some liquid, dab them with a towel to dry them off. Mix together the flour, paprika, garlic powder, and salt in a medium bowl. Toss in the zucchini and mix them together until all the zucchini pieces are coated in flavor.

3
Lay the zucchini on the baking sheet and coat the slices lightly with cooking spray. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes, flipping them over every 10 minutes, until they are all golden and crisp. Keep your eye on them because they can go from perfectly crispy to burnt to shit in a hot second. They are best served the day they are made so that crunch stays intact.

*
Whole wheat, white, rice, whatever you got is fine
.

BAKED SPICY PLANTAIN CHIPS

This is a chip with some motherfucking backbone. It’s tasty as hell and won’t break even in the heartiest of dips.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 30 CHIPS, DEPENDING ON THE SIZE OF THE PLANTAIN

Cooking spray

1 green plantain
*

1 tablespoon olive or grapeseed oil

2 tablespoons lime juice

2 teaspoons chili powder

¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper

¼ teaspoon salt

1
Crank your oven to 400°F. Grab a baking sheet and coat it lightly with cooking spray.

2
Peel the plantain and cut it crosswise into slices no thicker than
1
⁄
8
inch. Don’t measure that shit, just think
thin
.

3
Grab two bowls and put the oil and lime juice in one. Add the plantain and mix all around until every last motherfucking piece gets covered. Fish out the plantains and place them in the second bowl. Add the spices and salt and fucking mix that up until all the plantains have some seasoning on them.

4
Lay them out in a single layer on the baking sheet and bake them for 20 minutes, flipping them halfway. They will be golden and crispy when they are ready to go. They are best eaten the day they are made for crisp retention. Yeah that’s right,
crisp retention
, some highbrow shit right there.

*
Plantains are like big, starchy bananas. Look for them in any market that specializes in Latin American foods
.