Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (7 page)

*
Fresh strawberries are best but frozen will do as long as you thaw that shit out
.

**
Add the 4 tablespoons if your strawberries aren’t that sweet or if you like a sweet-ass syrup
.

***
Same shit that you would use to make cornbread. Sometimes it’s called corn flour in the store. Just don’t buy polenta and you’ll be cool
.

TO-GO
BREAKFAST
BARS

Some mornings you’ve just got to get the fuck out the door. We know that I’m-running-so-goddamn-late hustle. Be proactive and make this shit on the weekend so your slacking ass can grab one on your way out.

MAKES ABOUT 10 BARS

2 cups rolled oats

¾ cup uncooked quinoa

¼ cup uncooked millet

1¼ cups chopped mixed nuts or seeds*

½ cup dried cranberries or similar dried fruit

¼ teaspoon salt

½ cup maple syrup

½ cup peanut or almond butter

¼ cup refined coconut oil or olive oil

2 tablespoons white or brown sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1
Heat your oven to 350°F. Grab a 9 x 13-inch baking dish and line it with parchment so some of the paper goes over the edge of the pan. This makes it way fucking easier to just lift the bars out of the pan after they cool. Planning ahead like a fucking grownup.

2
Heat a large skillet or wok over a medium-low heat and add the oats, quinoa, and millet. Stir them all around until they start to smell toasted, about 3 minutes. While that shit is happening, combine the nuts and cranberries in a large bowl. Pour in the toasted oat mix and the salt and mix that shit together.

3
In a small saucepan, combine the maple syrup, peanut butter, oil, sugar, and vanilla and warm until everything is melted. Make sure that the peanut butter is all mixed and then remove from the heat. Pour this all over the dry mix and stir until everything is fucking coated.

4
Pour the mixture into the baking dish and press it down with a spoon to even it out and make sure it is really fucking in there. Throw it in the oven until it all looks toasted, 25 to 30 minutes. Let it cool to room temperature in the pan then throw it into the fridge. When it’s all nice and cold, cut into bars. They keep best in the fridge.

*
We like ½ cup pumpkin seeds, ½ cup sunflower seeds, and ½ cup sliced almonds but mix it up how you like
.

WHOLE WHEAT BISCUITS

Make your own biscuits because that store-bought shit is shady as hell. Food shouldn’t be packaged like a stick of explosives. That shit is unnatural.

MAKES ABOUT 8 BISCUITS

1 cup almond or other nondairy milk

½ teaspoon apple cider vinegar

1½ cups whole wheat pastry flour*

1 cup all-purpose flour**

1 tablespoon baking powder

2 teaspoons sugar

½ teaspoon salt

¼ cup solid refined coconut oil***

1
Crank your oven to 425°F. Line a baking sheet with some parchment paper.

2
Mix together the milk and vinegar in a small glass and set it out of the way for a minute.

3
Sift the flours, baking powder, sugar, and salt together in a medium bowl. Crumble the oil into the flour a tablespoon at a time using your fingers and break up into pieces a little bigger than a pea. It should look kinda like coarse sand from a shitty playground, minus the broken glass. Make a well in the center and pour in the milk mixture. Stir until a shaggy dough is formed, but be careful not to over-mix because then you will have some tough biscuits. If it is too dry to stick together, add a tablespoon or two of milk.

4
Turn the dough out on a floured surface and pat it into a roughly 8 x 5-inch rectangle about 1½ inches thick. using the open end of a glass or biscuit cutter, cut out all the motherfucking biscuits you can and put them on the baking sheet. You should end up with about 8.

5
Bake the biscuits until the bottoms are golden, 15 to 18 minutes. Let them cool for a minute before digging in or go ahead and start the day by burning the fuck out of your taste buds, you dumbass.

*
Whole wheat pastry flour is really similar to all-purpose flour in texture and taste but contains all the good bran and germ stuff like you find in whole wheat flour. Basically, it is the shit. If you can’t find it, use whole wheat or all-purpose instead
.

**
Yeah, don’t bitch. In the quest for a fluffy biscuit, it had to be done
.

***
This needs to be all opaque and solid like butter. If it is clear and runny because it is hot outside, this won’t fucking work. Stick it in the fridge until it gets its act together
.

BISCUITS AND GRAVY

We threw the recipe in the breakfast section, but let’s get real—any time is a good time for biscuits and gravy. Serve it up with a side of
Breakfast Greens
to really fill out your plate.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6

LENTIL GRAVY

1½ cups green or brown lentils

5 cups water

Salt

½ small onion, diced

1 teaspoon olive oil

1 teaspoon dried thyme

2 cloves garlic, minced

1
⁄
8
teaspoon ground pepper

1 tablespoon flour

1 cup vegetable broth

1 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari

1 teaspoon paprika

½ teaspoon sherry or red wine vinegar

Whole Wheat Biscuits

1
Make the gravy: In a pot, bring the lentils, water, and a pinch of salt to a boil. Let those bitches simmer until they are tender and kinda falling apart, about 40 minutes. Prep everything else while you wait or you can do this shit the night before and refrigerate.

2
In a small skillet, sauté the onion in the olive oil over medium heat until golden around the edges, about 3 minutes. Add the thyme, garlic, and pepper and cook for another 30 seconds. Turn off the heat.

3
When the lentils are done, drain them of whatever water is left in there and throw them back in the pot you cooked them in. In a small bowl, mix the flour into the broth. Then add the broth mixture to the lentils along with the onions, soy sauce, paprika, and vinegar. Grab an immersion blender and blend until smooth or throw it all in a regular blender and go to town. Heat it all back up on the stove in that pot again and let it simmer to thicken, 2 to 3 minutes.

4
Split the warm biscuits in half and spoon some gravy all over them. Serve right away.

OAT
FLOUR
GRIDDLE CAKES
WITH BLUEBERRY SAUCE

Having a hard time choosing oatmeal or pancakes for breakfast? Fuck it, HAVE BOTH.

MAKES 8 TO 10 GRIDDLE CAKES

1½ cups rolled oats*

2 tablespoons ground flaxseed

1½ cups plain almond or other nondairy milk

½ cup oat flour**

1 tablespoon sugar

1½ teaspoons baking powder

½ teaspoon salt

½ teaspoon ground cinnamon

Grapeseed or refined coconut oil, for cooking

Blueberry Sauce (recipe opposite)

1
In a large bowl, mix together the oats, ground flaxseed, and almond milk. Stir well to make sure everything is covered and then let it sit for 10 minutes so that those oats soften up.

2
In a small bowl, mix together the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and cinnamon. Stir the flour mixture into the wet oats and mix until all that shit is combined.

3
Now it’s time to cook these fuckers. Grab a skillet or griddle and heat it over medium heat. Lightly grease the pan with some oil and pour some of the thick batter onto the griddle for each cake. Cook the first side until the bottom looks golden brown and you can smell the toasted oats, about 2 minutes. Flip and continue cooking the other side until the cake looks golden brown all over, 1 to 2 minutes. Serve warm with some blueberry sauce for a great fucking time.

*
Not that instant bullshit. Real rolled oats
.

**
This might sound fancy, but take some rolled oats, throw them in a blender or food processor, and run until that shit looks like flour. You can use all-purpose or whole wheat flour here too if it’s too early to be fucking with your blender
.

BLUEBERRY SAUCE

Serve this blueberry sauce over these griddle cakes, instead of the strawberry syrup for the
Cornmeal Waffles
, or swirled into your
Maple Berry Grits
. It’s some choose-your-own-adventure-type shit.

MAKES ABOUT 1 CUP

½ pound fresh or frozen blueberries

2 tablespoons sugar

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 tablespoon water

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 large pieces lemon zest*

Throw everything together in a small saucepan over medium-low heat. It may not look like enough liquid, but once the berries start breaking down you’ll see what the fuck is up. Stir it around, smashing some berries with your spoon as you go. Bring the pot to a simmer and let it go for about 10 minutes so the berries really break down and the sauce thickens a bit. Take out the lemon zest, pour the sauce into a glass or bowl, and let that shit cool for 5 to 10 minutes. It will get thicker as it cools.

*
Take your knife or sharp vegetable peeler and run it down the side of a lemon to cut off 2 pieces of the zest (the colored outer layer) about the length of a finger. Try not to get a bunch of that white shit, but don’t worry too much about it
.

SOURDOUGH
FRENCH TOAST

Who the fuck wouldn’t like fried bread served with some maple syrup and fresh fruit? This shit sells itself.

MAKES 6 PIECES OF FRENCH TOAST, BUT IT’S EASY AS HELL TO DOUBLE OR TRIPLE

1½ teaspoons ground chia or flaxseeds

2 tablespoons whole wheat flour*

1 cup vanilla nondairy milk**

½ loaf day-old sourdough bread or whatever crusty bread you have lying around

1½ tablespoons
nutritional yeast

Cooking spray

1
In a pie pan or similar shallow dish, mix together the ground chia seeds and flour. Slowly whisk in the milk so that shit doesn’t get all lumpy. SLOWLY, MOTHERFUCKER. Now let that sit for 15 minutes. Make your sleepy ass some coffee and then cut the bread up into 1-inch-thick slices while you wait.

2
Whisk the batter after about 15 minutes and then slowly add the nutritional yeast and stir. Heat a griddle or heavy pan over a medium heat and coat with a little cooking spray so these bitches don’t stick. Soak your bread slices in the batter for a couple seconds on each side and then throw them right on the griddle. Cook for 1 to 2 minutes a side, or until they look golden and tasty as fuck all over.