Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (6 page)
Read Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck Online
Authors: Thug Kitchen
TOFU SCRAMBLE TACOS
Serve with avocados, fresh cilantro, and your favorite salsa. Fuck yeah.
MAKES ABOUT 8 TACOS
1 small crown broccoli
1 red bell pepper
1 yellow onion
1 carrot
4 cloves garlic
1 to 2 jalapeños*
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 tablespoon chili powder
2 teaspoons dried oregano
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 block extra-firm tofu
2 to 3 teaspoons soy sauce, tamari, or
Bragg’s
2 tablespoons lemon or lime juice
1
⁄
3
cup nutritional yeast**
2 teaspoons of your favorite hot sauce
8 corn or flour tortillas, warmed
1
Chop up the broccoli into pieces no larger than a nickel, aiming for about 2 cups. Dice the bell pepper and onion into pea-size pieces. Shred the carrot on that box grater you think you bought a while back. Mince the garlic and jalapeño. In a small bowl, mix together the cumin, chili powder, and oregano and set that shit aside. PREP WORK, MOTHERFUCKER.
2
Now it’s time to cook. In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until it starts to look golden around the edges, 3 to 5 minutes. Now add the chopped broccoli and bell pepper and cook until the broccoli starts to get tender but isn’t all fucking limp, another 3 to 4 minutes. Don’t overcook this shit or your broccoli will taste like little soggy trees. Now add the garlic and jalapeño and sauté for about 30 seconds.
3
While that shit is going on, drain the tofu and squeeze out as much water as possible. (You can just use your hands; no need to press this bastard.) Now crumble that tofu into the pan in quarter-size chunks. Some small bits are cool but the more you stir it, the more shit is going to break down, so its better to start bigger and work to smaller, you know? Sauté that tofu around with the veggies for 2 to 3 minutes and try to get it all mixed in. If the pan starts looking dry, add a splash of water and move the fuck on. Add the soy sauce and lemon/lime juice all over the pan. Add the spice blend, shredded carrot, and nutritional yeast right after and stir those fuckers in. Let this all cook together for about 2 minutes so that the flavors blend. Top with the hot sauce, stir, and then pile the filling into your waiting tortillas. Breakfast is served, bitches.
*
Whatever heat you can handle. Remove the seeds for less heat
.
WEIRD FUCKING INGREDIENTS
NOOCH
Nutritional yeast, or
nooch
if you are in the know, is some level 7 hippie shit. It’s deactivated yeast sold in flakes that makes everything taste kinda cheesy. It’s like healthy Cheeto dust. The future is now, people. It’s packed with B12, folic acid, selenium, zinc, and some protein. You can find it in bulk bins at some grocery stores and on the fucking Internet. It is not the same thing as brewer’s yeast, and anybody who tells you otherwise is a goddamn liar.
BRAGG’S LIQUID AMINOS
You can usually find this old-school sauce near the vinegars or soy sauces in the healthy eating section of most big grocery stores and on the Internet. Obvs. It tastes a lot like soy sauce but with a little something extra. If you can’t find it, just sub with soy sauce or tamari.
LIQUID SMOKE
This flavor enhancer is made by collecting the smoke from wood chips, letting it cool, and adding some water. It adds a fuckton of flavor, but a little goes a long way. Don’t overdo it. It is near the BBQ sauce at the store, we swear. You haven’t even looked yet so stop fucking complaining.
BROWN
RICE BOWL
WITH EDAMAME AND
TAMARI
SCALLION SAUCE
Savory food for breakfast is the shit and more people need to hop on board. This basic breakfast bowl is habit-forming, so watch the fuck out. The brown rice is super filling and the edamame brings plenty of protein to the table, so you’ll feel like a fucking champ.
MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6
TAMARI SCALLION SAUCE
1 cup sliced green onions*
¼ cup rice vinegar
2 tablespoons orange juice
4 teaspoons toasted sesame oil
1 teaspoon tamari or soy sauce
4 cups shelled edamame**
1
⁄
3
cup sliced almonds, toasted (optional)
1
Make the sauce: Throw everything into a food processor or blender and let it run until the sauce looks sorta smooth. You should get about
2
⁄
3
cup of sauce.
2
To assemble the bowl, spoon equal parts brown rice and edamame into a bowl and drizzle a tablespoon or two of sauce all over it. If you aren’t super hungry in the mornings, ½ cup of each should do you. If you want some added crunch, sprinkle some sliced almonds over the top. You can make this shit all on Sunday night and then just heat it up all week for breakfast.
*
Green onions, scallions . . . they’re the same damn thing. “Scallion” just sounds more legit next to the word “sauce.”
**
Edamame are immature soybeans and are tasty as fuck. They have a great texture and are full of good shit like protein, fatty acids, and tons of fiber. Find them in the frozen veggie section at the store and keep your freezer full
.
MAKE YOUR OWN PANCAKE MIX
Don’t want to measure out a bunch of shit every time you make pancakes? We get that. But don’t go out buying that overpriced, sugar-filled boxed bullshit. Just take a couple minutes and make a big batch for yourself and keep it in your pantry for the next time you’re jonesing for flapjacks.
This is going to require some basic math, so hold tight. From the Whole Wheat Banana Pancake recipe (opposite), we know that 1 batch of 12 pancakes takes approximately 2
2
⁄
3
cups dry ingredients. Cool. Now decide how many batches of pancake mix you want to store away for later. Five? Ten? It doesn’t really fucking matter, just multiply all the dry ingredient amounts in the recipe by that number and measure them out into a large bowl. Whisk them all together, making sure everything is well distributed, then pour this mix into a large airtight container. Mix made, motherfucker.
Next time you want pancakes, reach into that container and measure out 2
2
⁄
3
cups of the dry mix, then add the 2 cups of milk and 1 mashed banana and follow the rest of recipe. Simple shit. Only want 6 pancakes? Measure out 1
1
⁄
3
cups of dry mix and add 1 cup of milk and half a banana. You can do this ALL. FUCKING. DAY. Just keep the ratio of dry ingredients to wet the same and you’ll have pancakes in no time. (If you hate bananas, you could sub in ¼ cup more liquid, but it won’t taste as dope.)
WHOLE WHEAT BANANA
PANCAKES
Serve these warm with legit maple syrup (none of that fake-ass corn syrup) and some fresh fruit on the side. you know how to eat a fucking pancake.
MAKES ABOUT 12 PANCAKES, WHICH YOU CAN FREEZE AND EAT WHENEVERTHEFUCK YOU WANT
2½ cups whole wheat pastry flour or all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons brown or white sugar
2 teaspoons baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
2 cups nondairy milk (like almond)
1 small banana, mashed *
Grapeseed oil or coconut oil for cooking the pancakes
1
In a big bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking soda, and salt. Make a crater in the middle and add the milk and mashed up banana. Mix that all together until there are no more dry spots, but don’t go crazy. Mixing it too much will make your pancakes tough, so just chill the fuck out sir mix-a-lot.
2
Now, you probably know what to do once the batter is done, but in case this is your first time at the griddle, keep reading. Grab a skillet or griddle and heat it over medium heat. Lightly grease the pan with some oil and pour some pancake batter onto the griddle for each pancake you want. Cook the first side for about 2 minutes or until bubbles appear on top. The bubbles mean your pancake has cooked through. Flip and continue cooking the other side for 1 to 2 minutes or until the pancake looks golden brown.
*
This should be around
1
⁄
3
cup
.
CORNMEAL
WAFFLES
WITH STRAWBERRY
SYRUP
The cornmeal in these motherfuckers gives a little something extra that sets the gold standard in the waffle game.
MAKES ABOUT 4 BIG-ASS WAFFLES, BUT THIS VARIES DEPENDING ON YOUR WAFFLE MAKER
STRAWBERRY SYRUP
1 pound strawberries*
2 to 4 tablespoons sugar**
¼ cup orange juice
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
WAFFLES
2 cups almond or your favorite nondairy milk
1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar or lemon juice
1½ cups cornmeal***
1 cup all-purpose or whole wheat flour
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1½ tablespoons baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
1
⁄
8
teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons oil (grapeseed, olive, or safflower would work)
Cooking spray
1
First, make that sweet syrup: Cut the stems off the strawberries and chop the berries into bean-size pieces. Throw them in a small saucepan with the rest of the syrup ingredients and warm it all over a medium-low heat. At first it might not look like there’s enough liquid in this bitch to make syrup, but once everything gets going the strawberries will fix that shit. Trust. Stir it around and bring it to a gentle simmer. Let it go for 15 to 20 minutes, stirring every minute or so, until the syrup thickens up and the liquids begin to evaporate. Turn off the heat.
2
While your syrup is cooling, make your waffles: Heat up the waffle iron. Mix together the milk and vinegar in a small glass and set it aside. In a large bowl, whisk together the cornmeal, flour, brown sugar, baking powder, salt, and cinnamon so that they are all combined. Make a crater in the center and add the milk mixture and the oil. Whisk everything together until there aren’t any more dry spots and only a few lumps. Coat the plates of the preheated waffle iron with some cooking spray so those bitches won’t stick, then pour in some batter. Cook until golden brown according to your waffle maker’s directions. Cover with strawberry syrup and serve hot.