Tiger Babies Strike Back (31 page)

Strict parenting that accepts nothing less than The Best has more pitfalls than benefits, if you ask me. Chinese moms and dads might tell themselves it is their responsibility to push us as hard as we kids can take, but their austerity and inflexibility have long-term consequences. Perhaps they hide behind the platitude “This is the Chinese way” so they don't have to dwell on the fact that we feel constantly denied acceptance. But as a result of this denial of love, we might grow up so emotionally shut down that nothing good can be let into our hearts. They wanted us to toughen up, but didn't suspect we were growing scar tissue so thick to protect ourselves from our own families.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be robots. With Chinese-style tough love, I actually am
not feelin' the love
. Ever.

I guess all parents want to control their kids. But maybe instead of tightening the grip around our loved ones' throats, we could take some parenting advice from the dialogue in
Star Wars
. We could remember Princess Leia saying, “The more you tighten your grip, [Governor] Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.”

Because that's what I wanted to do. Slip away. Chinese parents are like Darth Vader. They can choke you without even touching you.

For many Chinese parents, saving face is synonymous with denying us our own faces. And maybe we like Hello Kitty so much because we ourselves feel as vulnerable as Mimmy, Kitty, and Chococat look. We are wide-eyed in the face of Tiger Mom's all-encompassing power.

Didn't you see
Spider-Man
? With great power comes great responsibility. If you're going to try to squelch us, we're going to have to go underground. We will burrow out of sight with our emotions and our deepest dreams. You are projecting your unfulfilled hopes onto us, but what about our own? We're stealth now. No ship that small has a cloaking device. Yes, we're the
Millennium Falcon
. You think you are forcing us into light speed, but we are floating away from you with the cosmic trash. We'll lie dormant in the belly of a giant space worm just to get the heck away from you. Your love is an asteroid field. You are an Imperial Star Destroyer and we navigate away from you.

And we are still hiding. Maybe in your zeal to make us into walking advertisements to exalt you, you forget that Tiger Babies grow up someday. Let's get real. Who has the power? The next generation. Regardless of what you've tried to protect us from, or protect yourself from, we're going to do what we want.

And now we have babies of our own. There's the rub. Our own babies are where we draw the line. You want control of them, too, but we won't allow what happened to us to become their reality as well. We're going to believe our babies when they say they're hurt, not tell them to shut up and stop crying because tears will make them mediocre.

We are emotional beings. Our vulnerability scares you, but our continued openness is the only hope for you, Tiger Parent, reformed or not. We artists, secretaries, comic book geeks, and marginally employed individuals might be failures in your eyes. But we are the ones who don't give up on you. We are the nurturers, the snuggle bunnies. Is it so terrible to be soft? You are afraid to let our vulnerability rain all over you, but you will not reign over us any longer. Your unyielding stoicism is the problem, not our openness.

Tiger Parents, listen up. While we were sitting in detention, while we were bored in Chinese school, we were making skeleton keys from mangled paper clips. We have bent and molded this twisted, rejected piece of metal into the key to your heart. We've got other good qualities that you simply have missed. You can still love us. Catch us if you can.

Epilogue

Tiger Parents, you may be asking yourselves, “What is the point of this book?”

Love your babies, and show your babies that you love them. Withholding acceptance and praise while pushing your children into achievement might yield certain results, but that kind of pressure stifles other aspects of growing up.

Rote memorization, blind obedience, and top scores at the expense of developing passion or true understanding for a subject actually impede creativity, spontaneity, developing social skills, trust, camaraderie, and the ability to love.

And these are all things we need in life. The resulting young adult of Tiger parenting might reach the top of his or her chosen professional field, but might not have any friends. Tiger Parents, do you really want your kids to be so messed up they can't find partners or have kids of their own?

Tiger Mom, it's very simple. If you want grandkids, get off your kids' case and stop micromanaging every aspect of life.

And Tiger Babies, just for you:

Below are the
Tiger Babies Strike Back
pop quiz answers, which will definitely be on the test:

Acknowledgments

Big thanks to my editor, Erika Tsang, whose great ideas, tact, and finesse helped me so much. With her insightful suggestions, Erika prompted me to find what I most wanted to convey in this book, and she did it without making me cry. That's saying a lot because I shed tears easily, like at the end of
Return of the Jedi
, when that one Ewok doesn't wake up.

Thanks to my agent, Agnes Birnbaum, at Bleecker Street Associates, for always being in my corner and believing in this project from the beginning.

Thanks also to Rolf Keltner for early proofreading and letting me include anecdotes about him in this book.

And, of course, much gratitude to my mother. At one point, I said, “Mom, you know how every book has to have a villain? Well, in this one it's gonna hafta be you.” She thought for a moment, and then just said, “OK.” So thanks, Mom, for being strong enough to respond that way. In addition, a big hug goes out to my dad. I appreciate both of you allowing me the freedom to share my point of view.

And last, thanks to Lucy Keltner, who is already a brilliant artist and writer at age nine. May we always share hugs and laughs.

The only thing that keeps
KIM WONG KELTNER
from writing is when she's trapped under an avalanche of her daughter's stuffed animals. Kim is the author of
The Dim Sum of All Things
,
Buddha Baby
, and
I Want Candy
.
Tiger Babies Strike Back
is her first work of nonfiction. She can be contacted at kimwongkeltner.com.

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