Till There Was You (13 page)

“Where are they?” he asked himself, dumping his pack as he made his way to the side gate, stopping as he saw the sign ‘Beware of Dog’. It only added to his confusion. The last time he was home, they didn’t even have a dog. But things do change when a man is deployed, and maybe they were out walking it...?

“Rach,” he called out to his wife. Still nothing.

Beginning to get worried, Linc opened the gate and walked through with caution, his eyes and ears open, taking in everything around him. Why was everything so quiet? 

As he rounded the corner, Linc was glad he was unarmed. A loud eruption of sound greeted him as he poked his head out. It wasn’t from some aggressive canine, but a large gathering of friends and family, mostly hers, who were lying in wait for a surprise welcome home party. Probably not the best thing to do for a guy who had just returned from a warzone, but he understood the sentiment as everyone crowded around and welcomed him back.

As bodies pressed in around him, he heard only one word, “Daddy!” He turned as his little girl ran toward him.

“Munchkin,” Linc said, tears in his eyes as he knelt down and opened his arms, catching his little girl, whose small hands cupped his face before she planted a wet kiss on his stubbled cheek.

“I missed you, Daddy,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck as she hugged him tight while camera flashes went off around them.

“I missed you, too, Alana. Every moment of every day,” he told her. Picking her up, he held her high as he twirled her around, watching the sun shining through her golden locks while she shrieked with glee.

“And Mummy!” she yelled, laughing as they slowed down.

“Of course, and Mummy,” he added, bringing her to his chest level as a pair of soft arms encircled his waist, pulling him into the loving embrace he had missed so much.

“I missed you, too,” Rachel whispered, pressing a kiss to his lips that caused a roar of applause from those gathered around.

Sliding his free arm around his wife’s waist, Linc held on to the kiss, inhaling deeply as her familiar scent returned him to the place he loved most—home.

“So, where’s this dog I’m supposed to beware of?” he asked, holding tightly to his two girls.

Rachel smiled and ran her hand across his broad chest, pausing to fiddle with the nametag above his pocket. “Oh, that’s just a subtle hint from your daughter.”

“Can I, Daddy, can I?” Alana begged.

“Sure,” he answered immediately.

Rachel gave him a playful pinch in the side. “Softy.” She grinned.

The fire crackled and popped as Linc took the last mouthful of his coffee, still lost in his memories as he held the warm cup between his hands. It had been a perfect homecoming. At the time, Linc remembered thinking how surreal the experience was. He’d gone from watching his comrades’ backs constantly on the treacherous streets of Afghanistan and getting into situations he wasn’t sure he’d make it out of, to a suburban barbeque with family and friends who didn’t seem to have a care in the world.

It was a culture shock, to say the least. Besides being happy to have his wife and little girl with him again, he had struggled to get into the spirit of the party—and the spirit of his homecoming. His mind stayed battlefield ready, even though the battle was far over the sea.

If he had known then what he did now, Linc would have spent their remaining time doing things differently. He would have tried harder to be the man his family deserved. He would have been a better husband, a better father. He would have told them he loved them more, paid closer attention to those mundane things that make up life. He would have memorized it all, frame-by-frame, moment-by-moment.

There was no excuse for his behavior following his return. It was a case of him witnessing so much darkness, that it had crept in and make a home for itself inside him. It had left a stain on his soul that couldn’t be washed clean, no matter how much love and light he was exposed to.

But it should have been enough. He should have let it been enough
.
He was such an ass...

As the days went on, Linc spiraled out of control, his mind delving deeper into that darkness. Alcohol was his only respite, and he turned to the bottle almost every day to drown out the voices in his mind, of people calling out for help no one could give. Rachel feared he would hurt himself and reached out to anyone she could trust to help keep him in line—to help keep him safe. Stopping Linc from losing control had become an almost full time job and a battle they were all losing.

Standing in the bathroom, Linc took a hold of his razor. For his thick, dark whiskers, he always used an old-fashioned straight razor he sharpened with a leather strap. He hadn’t shaved in days, and after fighting with Rachel over his alcohol consumption and the bad influence it was on their daughter, he hadn’t had a drink in just as long. The strain was showing, fraying his edges. Everything was either too loud or too quiet, and he could get no rest. No rest at all.

The motion of the blade traveling up and down the strap seemed to calm him. Back and forth the blade went, scraping, scraping, until the edge could split a hair in half. As Linc held the razor up, inspecting the edge in the light, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He was a mess. His skin was drawn and pale with dark circles beneath bloodshot eyes. He wondered how Rachel had loved him—how she could still love him—knowing what he was capable of. Then, he pictured Alana—beautiful and perfect Alana. She was so sweet and innocent. The only darkness in her life—in any of their lives—was him.

Without applying any shaving cream, Linc held the blade against this throat, touching lightly above his pulse point. In the mirror, he watched it beat, knowing if he just pressed hard enough, it would all be over. The darkness would be gone.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.
They’re better off without me
, he assured himself, willing his hand to press down. To end it.

The sound of the doorbell caused him to flinch as his eyes flew open. The movement was just enough to nick the skin on his neck and cause beads of blood to seep from the razor-sized cut.

“Jesus, what the hell am I doing?” he mumbled to his reflection, picking up a towel and pressing it against his throat as he dropped the razor into the sink, shaking with the knowledge of what he might have done.

The doorbell sounded again, and since the bleeding wouldn’t stop, he was forced to carry the towel with him.

“What’s up?” Linc asked when he found his best friend, Adam, smiling at the door.

“Ruth is having a barbeque later today, you and the girls in?” he asked, rubbing his hands together as he looked around the living area.

“Why don’t you just call her mum? I’ve never understood that.”

Shrugging, Adam pushed the door farther open, attempting to invite himself in. “She says it makes her feel old. I reckon she just doesn’t want people knowing a ratbag like me is her son.” He laughed at his own joke. “You going to let me in, or what?”

“Did Rachel tell you to check up on me?” Linc muttered, stepping back to let Adam inside.

“She’s worried about you, mate. We all are. And it looks like we have good reason to be. What’s this about?” he asked, pointing at the towel over Linc’s neck.

“Shaving accident. You scared the shit out of me when you hit the bell.”

Chuckling, Adam followed him to the bathroom where Linc stood, blocking the doorway.

“Can I get a little privacy?”

Adam shrugged. “Why, do you wank off while you shave?”

With a frown, Linc rolled his eyes. “No, you jerk. I just want a minute to sort this cut out.”

“Well, let me see. I’ve dealt with enough battlefield injuries to help with a little razor cut.” He reached out to take the towel and Linc knocked his hand away.

“So have I. We trained together, remember?” Adam was a CFA, the same as Linc. They met at eighteen when they first enlisted and had been friends ever since. “Just fuck off. I can sort this out on my own. I don’t need you here, and despite what everyone seems to think, I don’t need a goddamn babysitter.”

Narrowing his eyes, Adam stepped closer to Linc. “What are you hiding, mate?” Linc opened his mouth to bite back in retort. But Adam gripped his arm and wrestled the towel free. His eyes widened when he saw the straight line deep enough to still be seeping blood over Linc’s pulse.

“You selfish fuck!” he yelled, nostrils flared as he slammed his open hands against Linc’s chest. The force sent him stumbling backwards. “What the hell do you think you’re trying to do? You’ve got a family for fuck’s sake.”

Linc’s shoulders slumped, his eyes down, shame washing over him for what he’d almost done. “I know what it looks like. I know it looks bad. But it was just a moment of weakness. It’s gone now. I’d never do that. Trust me,” he assured his friend, although he was half trying to assure himself. He’d never thought of taking his life before and needed to convince himself it was just a fleeting moment he wouldn’t have given in to.

“Fucking hell, Linc, you’d better be telling the truth about this,” Adam said, starting to calm down as he stepped away and stood with his back against the wall.

“I am. Just...don’t tell anyone, please? Rach is already worried enough.”

For a moment, Adam stared at him, his eyes swimming with anger and hurt as he studied his friend. Linc didn’t breathe as he waited for a response and it came with a curt nod. “You’d better shave properly then. Even though you don’t grow any fucking hair right there, the excuse of a shaving cut will more believable when you’ve actually shaved, you know?”

“Sure. Thanks, Adam, and I’m sorry.”

“So am I, mate. Just don’t make me regret this.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

With a deep sigh, Linc leaned forward to throw another log on the fire, stoking the charred wood until the flames burned bright once more. He missed his friend. That day had been the last time he’d seen Adam alive. He’d been killed a week later in a home invasion gone wrong. His death had left his mother, Ruth, in a state of utter despair over losing her only son.

Looking around at the cabin that belonged to her, Linc said a silent thank you to the woman, who in her own grief, had still been strong enough to help him through his. It was after an accident that changed everything. An accident that shattered his life and left him a shell of the man he once was.

––––––––

P
utting the final touches on the greenhouse, Linc stood back and admired his handy work. It had taken far longer to build than he’d originally thought, but now that he was done, he felt a sense of pride over completing the task.

The only thing marring his sense of accomplishment was the feisty blonde he’d been ignoring for over a month now. Lily hadn’t even tried to see or call him in the last couple weeks. Since he’d been avoiding her on purpose, he should have been glad she stopped. But the absence of her stubborn attempts to get through to him made his days stretch on endlessly and his nights even more lonely than they’d been before.

He was an idiot. While assuring himself Lily would be better off without him, he’d neglected to realize one thing: he wasn’t better off without her. In only a few days, she’d brought a light back into his life. Without it, he just felt empty.

Clearing the snow out of the greenhouse to expose the rich, dark soil underneath had Linc sweating and puffing from the inside humidity. “At least we know it’s working,” he said to Shade as he stripped down to his thermal shirt and took a long drink of water from his thermos. The husky looked up from the hole he had been digging, but quickly went back to it. He wasn’t much of a conversationalist. “You could actually use those paws to help me, you know,” Linc joked, watching the ferocity with which Shade churned through the snow to get to the earth.

“Linc,” a male voice called out. Linc turned to find Matt walking toward him.

“Have I done something wrong, Sarge?” he asked, twisting the cap back on his water.

“Just want a word,” Matt said as he drew closer. “I’d call, but we both know you wouldn’t answer.”

“You’ve got me there,” Linc admitted, picking up the shovel and pushing it deeper into the snow to keep it from falling over.

“This is impressive. What are you planning to grow?”

“Weed,” Linc deadpanned.

Matt’s eyebrows lifted as he glared at Linc, who laughed.

“I’m joking. I’m going to grow vegetables and fruits in here. Nothing untoward. Scouts honor.” Linc held three fingers up and placed a hand on his heart.

“I’d believe that if you ever really were a scout, or if you weren’t signaling me like some reject from the set of
Hunger Games
.”

Squinting slightly from the sun, Linc folded his arms across his chest. “Been checking into me some more,” he noted, glancing at his feet while he kicked the pile of snow with his boots.

Matt shrugged, as if it were no big deal. “Someone has to. It’s not like you’re very forthcoming with information. Plus, you keep hanging around with my sister. So...”

“So you have the protective big brother role to play too. Yeah, I get it. But I’d appreciate it if you could keep what you know to yourself.”

Without responding, Matt looked back toward the house. “I heard what happened to Ruth’s son. I haven’t seen him since I was a kid. Last I heard, he’d joined the Army, but Ruth hasn’t come back out here for years. The place has been sitting empty until you got here.”

“Yeah, well, she’s a good woman. And Adam was a good man. He didn’t deserve what happened to him.”

“You two were close?”

Linc nodded once, still angry at himself for not being a better friend in his final days.

“I’m sorry. For that, and for—”

Linc picked up the shovel and began walking back to the greenhouse. “Can we not recount every tragedy in my life, please? I don’t talk about it for a reason.” He drove the shovel into the ground and carried out another pile of snow, adding it to the growing mound.

Matt stood by and watched for a while, then took a breath to speak. “Lily’s worried about you.”