Tilt (44 page)

that something almost did. Still might.

Alex Thinks It’s Romantic

I guess it is, and not so very long

ago, I might have encouraged Mom

to send Dad packing. Now I think

they need each other in a profound

way. Of course, that could change

after . . . Weird, but I haven’t really

allowed myself to think much about

after. I hear Mom in the hall, talking

to Gram. In the hall! I poke my head

around my door. “What’s going on?”

Neither looks panicky, so it can’t be

anything major. Mom looks at me

with dark-circled eyes.
Drew chased

us out. He said I stink. . . .
She sniffs

her armpits, runs a hand through

her limp hair.
Okay, he’s right.

Gram jumps in.
Actually, he said

he was hoping to watch a Barney

rerun and for your mom to take

a nice, hot bath. He’s a dear, isn’t he?

Considering

Mom has barely left Shelby’s room

to even take a piss, Drew
is
a dear.

“You deserve a hot bath, Mom.”

But she shakes her head.
I agreed

to a quick shower. At least I’ll smell

better. And I’ll grab a bite to eat.

I made a nice shepherd’s pie,
says

Gram.
Tell Alex there’s plenty, and

it’s ready.
The ladies part ways, Mom

to the shower and Gram to the kitchen,

which is starting to leak some amazing

scent. “Yo! Alex! You hungry?”

I have no idea what shepherd’s pie is,

but my stomach’s growling. I haven’t

eaten a whole lot the past couple of days.

Food is probably a good idea, and maybe,

for just a half hour or so, sharing the dinner

table can make us feel something like normal.

Alex

Sharing the Table

Breaking bread in the literal

sense, passing butter and salt,

midst meaningless conversation,

we are immersed in

living.

But as hard as everyone

tries to appreciate Drew’s gift

of time, the small talk shrinks

all the way to minuscule

and

then dissipates completely.

Nice while it lasted—

a half-hour vacation from

the crushing wait for

death.

It’s hard being here, where

I’m reminded of fate’s

cruel nature and my fears

are

intensified. But Shane needs

me, so I come and stay or

take him away for a while.

Love and sacrifice are

inextricable.

Harley

Love Is Weird

Last weekend I still thought

I was in love with Chad.

But then he went and made

it clear he considers me

his little sister and kissing

me would be sort of like

incest. He’s full of it, but

whatever. Anyway, I was still

all crazy for him right up

until last night. Now the only

guy I can think about is Lucas.

He’s totally amazing. And we

already kissed! I was so scared

I’d mess it up, I almost pulled

away when he tried. Instead,

I went ahead, and it was perfect.

The Perfect Kiss

Is

not too rough

not too sweet

not too slobbery

not chapped.

It’s

a gentle joining

an even building

a total melting

together. Hot.

It’s

a tilt of the head,

a slick slide of lips

a sublime exploration

tongue touching tongue.

And now

I know the perfect

kiss isn’t between

Chad and me. It’s

between me and Lucas.

And, for Once

Bri and I are on the same page.

She and Kurt made out too.

I spent last night at her house

and we talked instead of sleeping.

“Lucas’s really cute, don’t you think?”

Yeah, but not as cute as Kurt.

“Did Kurt kiss better than Chad did?”

Lots!
But she didn’t give details.

“I wish Lucas went to Carson.”

Yeah, but at least he’s got a car.

“I know, right? That’s so awesome.”

Will your mom let you ride with him?

“Probably not. But Dad might.”

Dad Is Pretty Distracted

He and Cassie got engaged.

They’re shopping for a ring today.

I guess I’m happy for them.

Actually, I’m pretty happy all

the way around today. Saturday,

and Mom just picked me up to take

me back to the rib cook-off.
Sorry

I couldn’t get there last night.

We’ll make up for it today, though.

“No problem. We had fun, even

without you.” More fun than she wants

to know about. But I can’t
not
tell her

about Lucas. What if he calls? What

if we happen to see him today? “So,

uh . . . guess what?” She seems to be

about a million miles away

because it takes several seconds

before she finally says,
What?

I Almost Chicken Out

But she’s my mom. She should know.

In fact, she should be happy for me.

“I, uh . . . I’m kind of going out

with someone.” Again, the slight

delay before the news sinks in.

Going out? What does that mean?

“You know. Seeing each other.”

A slight exaggeration, but still.

Seeing each other? Since when?

And who are you talking about? Chad?

“No, not Chad. His name is Lucas,

and we just got together.” I don’t

say where, or how, and I don’t tell

her he has a car. “He’s really nice,

Mom. You’ll like him. Can you

believe I’ve got a boyfriend?”

No. I mean, yes. I mean, of course

I can believe it. I just hope you’ll be . . .

“Careful? I will, Mom. I remember

everything you’ve told me about sex

and why I should wait. I don’t plan

to have sex with Lucas. I’m too young,

and anyway, he and I just met. You

have to fall in love to have sex, right?”

Actually, you don’t. A lot of people

who aren’t in love have sex. But I

promise it’s a lot better with someone

you love. I’m glad you understand that.

I haven’t even considered sex.

Kissing is as far as I’ve fantasized

about going. Now I’ve done that,

though. When will I want to do more?

“More”

Is pretty much everywhere

as Mom and I walk around

the cook-off, checking out

craft booths, listening to music

and, of course, munching ribs.

It’s like I never really noticed

how guys slip their arms around

their girls’ shoulders, then let

their hands wander, or how some

girls even encourage that.

It’s like I totally missed how

some girls walk their fingers

up their boyfriends’ thighs,

all the way to where they must

be touching very personal body

parts, or how that makes those

guys kiss them—not romantically,

but more kind of crazy. It’s hot!

And I’m glad Mom doesn’t notice