Time Out (13 page)

So when he closed the bedroom door behind me, and suddenly pleaded, “Help me…help me, Joie,” I was at a loss for words. “I can’t
feel
this any longer.” He gasped like he was slowly suffocating, and it broke my heart to see him in so much pain. “It could have been
you
today,” he confessed, surprising me. “And I don’t think I could have lived with that—so you have to help me forget.” 

“What do you want me…” but before I could ask, he moved in to kiss me; gently pushing me back against the wall in the process. Hawkins worked his fingers through my hair; pulling me in closer to him with another more powerful kiss. The ridged Hawkins disappeared with every stroke of his hand down my arm and up my midriff.

The kiss had become so passionate that we only broke apart long enough to rip off his and my shirts before rushing forward to have our lips lock back in sync again. I honestly didn’t know how a kiss could feel this good. Maybe it was because in that moment I knew without a doubt that this was not only someone who cared about me; this was someone who also loved me.

When the kissing became almost impossible to keep up with as our bodies lifted up and dropped down together, his eyes - which looked back at me with a mixture of sadness, love, and longing - never wavered from mine. I had only remembered seeing him look this way one time before, and it was right after he made the decision to sacrifice his life for mine the day the stage collapsed. When our tense taunt bodies finally eased into each other’s arms again, Hawkins murmured, “I love you, Joie.”

Tears suddenly stung my eyes, because the heart breaking confession was the last words he spoke to me before he was ready to let go of me. And in that moment, I realized what this might mean for me.

“Don’t…
don’t
make me leave you,” I suddenly gasped.

When his expression faltered a little, I knew that’s what he had decided to do and it made me slap his chest. “
Don’t
make me leave you.”

“Come to bed with me, Joie.” He tried to grab my hand and lead me to the bed. 

“Not until you promise me,” I demanded. 

“Fine, I promise,” he said without any true commitment in his voice.

“I can’t live without you,” I blurted out unexpectedly; not realizing the truth until I spoke it.

“Joie, you can’t live
with
me either,” he admitted in a small voice, and I knew that he didn’t think I was safe with him here.

“How will we ever see each other then?” the question was out of my mouth before I even had time to register it, but now that I did I insisted, “
How
?”

“As soon as everything settles down,” Hawkins confessed in the same haggard breath as before. “I can’t worry about someone possibly hurting you and do my job...”

“So will you
please
just come back to bed?” he pleaded, and I slowly started to nod, wondering how I could ever go on with my life without him. I had never wanted to cry before as much as I suddenly did now, but I knew that I wasn’t the only one hurting as we held onto each other in the darkness like nothing could ever pull us a part, but also knowing that nothing would ever be the same again.

Chapter
Seven

             
I woke up the next morning determined to change Hawkins’ mind, but when I reached out across for him in the bed, my hand wrapped around a ball of empty sheets. His absence from the room hit me harder than it normally would have any other day, because I couldn’t imagine feeling this kind of emptiness every day without him.

             
It was only when I saw my belongings packed up neatly into the bags that I bought them in, that the real fear began to settle in. He left a pair of Khaki shorts and a maroon band
t’shirt
out on top of my bag for me to wear, so I quickly got dressed. Throwing back the bedroom door, I hurried down the aisle of the bus on a mission to find him before he could plan this out any further. He couldn’t just decide this without me. He had to hear me out. I knew that he thought he was protecting me as I skidded down the stairs to the bus, but I didn’t want to be ‘protected’ if it meant we couldn’t be together. I scanned the parking lot, looking for his tall silhouette as a kind of panic began to build in my chest. I was nearly on the brink of tears with each new place that I looked and couldn’t find him, like the backstage to the pavilion. What if he couldn’t handle this? What if he planned for me to leave without even saying goodbye? God—the more the thought settled in the angrier I became as I rushed down the hallway to the stage, but except for a couple of guys from the crew it was empty. I spun around in a kind of hopelessness. This wasn’t happening! He wasn’t
leaving
me!

             
After spending another forty-five minutes looking for him, I ran back down the backstage hallway determined to wait it out on his tour bus until he had to confront me. I deserved that much I thought as I raced across the parking lot to the bus again. When I heard what could only be Hawkins moving around in his bedroom in the back, I sighed in relief and almost laughed at myself for making a big deal out of nothing, but the smile quickly faded from my face when I pushed back the door and saw Gwyneth going through my things. Looking at my once folded clothes being tossed around carelessly, I hissed, “What are you doing?”

             
“I lost something,” she muttered, but didn’t even lift her head to check to see if it was okay with me to go through my things.

             
“Yeah, well I’m sure whatever you lost,” I went to grab the bag of clothes out of her hands. “I don’t have it,” I said in between gritted teeth with one quick jerk sending her forward a few steps. We eyed each other fiercely for a moment, when I realized she had a black and blue swollen bruise around her eye.

             
“Someone took a piece of my jewelry given to me by my mother. It’s one of a kind,” she grabbed up another bag like she had a right to touch whatever she wanted. Watching her spindly thin fingers toss my things around like they were crap sent me over the edge. But this time when I went to grab my bag of clothes, she pulled back just as fiercely; instantly ripping the paper bag in half, sending my clothes falling to the floor.

“You bitch,” I hissed as I dropped my side of the bag. “I know you think you’re so
special
, because you’re
Gweniverie
Warren ‘the great pompous doctor’ who we should all bow down to, but you want to know what I think,” I pointed to my chest. “You went out in the world to become something
so
great while leaving behind the one thing that mattered. And while you were out there ‘becoming someone’ you discovered that all those degrees and experiences can’t hold you at night the way that he did. So you’re back here now because you think you deserve to have it all, but you can’t have him because he’s
mine
,” I hissed, but she just laughed at me as she continued to grab up the small bag of jewelry Lizzie had bought for me like she hadn’t heard a word that I had said.

             
“I was once naive like you, but what could you possibly offer him that I couldn’t?” she asked skeptically. “He’s not over me, Joie, and that’s the real reason you’re going home.”

I suddenly gasped, as if she had stabbed me in the chest with her words sending me staggering back. She watched the words take effect with a smirk on her face before she continued to sift through my bag of jewelry. I couldn’t just stand there and watch her touch
my
things anymore, especially now that one of them might be Hawkins, and went to grab the bag one last time. Out of nowhere she retaliated by backhanding me across the face with a loud smack. The searing pain caused my mouth to drop open in shock. 

After I had a second to gather my bearings, I leaned forward and slapped her back with everything I had in me, causing her head practically swing off of her neck. She touched her cheek in astonishment because I think I hit her harder than the person who had given her that shiner around her eye. Hawkins appeared at the doorway, and judging by his shocked expression, I knew that he had seen what I had done.

“She hit me!” Gwyneth cried as if she hadn’t started the fight in the first place.

“
Joie
,” Hawkins murmured in utter astonishment.

I looked over at him reproachfully, that he would believe her over me, as tears suddenly welled up in my eyes.

I went to open my mouth to explain and then huffed, “You know what, never mind—” I turned to Gwyneth one last time and muttered, “I’m sick of playing your games. You’re
fake,
and a sad excuse for a human being. And I honestly don’t know how you
stomach
waking up every morning being
you
.

“I’d say have a happy life together,” I added spitefully. “If I actually thought it was possible,” I pushed passed Hawkins and then Riley, who chased after me down the aisle of the bus.

“What! Wait Joie—stop,” Hawkins called after me as I quickly retreated down the steps of the bus. 

I thought I had taken my fair share for one day, but I gasped with a heartbreaking kind of pain at the sight of the yellow taxicab parked outside the bus; ready to whisk me away from the only place I thought was safe, the one place I could ever really remember calling home.

Riley grabbed ahold me just when I thought my knees were about to give out. In his protective embrace, I could finally let the tears overflow in gasping, chest racking sobs.

I could overhear Hawkins’ shouting out my name from within the bus, and turned to Riley and groaned, “Please get me out of here.” 

Riley helped me inside the taxi, and like the best friend he was, he held up a hand stopping Hawkins from getting any closer to me.

“Joie, let’s not end it this way,
please
.” I could hear the desperation in his voice, but at the mention of things ‘ending’ I slammed the door shut on him.

“Give her some space,” Riley insisted until Hawkins reluctantly stepped back. Riley went to quickly grab my things while I waited in the taxi.

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as I covered my face with my hands in shame. I couldn’t believe this was our last memory together. When the opposite door to the taxicab opened, I turned see Riley slide in next to me. 

“The Chicago Airport,” Riley announced as he pulled me into him again and we drove off. 

Chapter
Eight

Moving through the airport felt like walking through a dream. I barely registered my surroundings as Riley booked us a flight back to Pittsburgh, but when he called my mom next, the dream began to slowly start to feel like a nightmare. The conversation
and
the questions made it suddenly sink in that this was not going away. Hawkins wasn’t changing his mind. This wasn’t some kind of sick joke. My mom was heading to the airport. I was going home; to
her
home.  

Unsure of what the future looked like without Hawkins, I felt like I was moving from one moment to the next as we walked through the long line of security. I didn’t have any possessions to place into a security bin besides my shoes because just like Hawkins, all my things were back on the tour bus.

That didn’t stop me from keeping my eyes peeled to the exits. It took Riley’s firm hand in mine to finally lead me away from what seemed like the impossible, to what seemed like the impossible to face. 

I hated airplanes. I always had, but I especially detested this one as Riley led the way down a hollow, shaky-feeling air bridge onto a large white US Airways jetliner. The more terrified I felt the more furious I became with Hawkins. It should have been
him
beside me as I double checked and then rechecked my seatbelt to make sure I was secured tightly to something even if that something felt like a death trap.   

Grabbing onto the chair’s arms for dear life, I leaned my head back as far as it could go with my eyes tightly closed shut. I could feel my stomach began to churn nauseously.

“
Please
distract me, Riley,” I pleaded. “You can say
,
I don’t care…anything.”

“Well…umm,” he murmured in my ear, probably surprised that I had finally said anything at all as I snapped my eyes shut again. “I think you have one hell of right hook,” he added dryly.

Leave it to Riley, to be able to make me smile even on an airplane.

“I didn’t punch her,” I gulped, wishing that Riley could take the nausea away too. “She already had that shiner.”