Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life (13 page)

Once you've identified where you are, it's time to do something about it! Below are a handful of strategies to help you get to fourth stage, high-performing self-acceptance.

The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good about your choices and decisions. Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you
start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you're most proud of about yourself: choices you've made, insights you've learned, things you like about yourself, times you've stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.

Second, practice letting go of seeking validation for your choices about who you choose to be. This means noticing your language, self-talk, and behavior, and identifying when it is coming from wanting someone else to say you're okay, that you've made the right choice, or that you've done the right thing. Instead, when you do make a decision, check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and that you've considered your options carefully, and give yourself validation for just being you.

Last, be honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment. Sit down and evaluate your weekly tasks and ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what you're doing to please others. Then slowly work through the “people-pleasing” list and eliminate those tasks.

The need for approval doesn't have to control your life—not if you choose to move past it.

1. When you deal with rejection, recognize in what ways you're rejecting yourself
.

No one likes rejection, but it's infinitely more painful when we see it through the lens of our own self-rejection. We magnify what we think we see when it seems to confirm our worst fears about ourselves. When you feel someone's rejecting you, step back and ask yourself: how could my interpretation of this be a mirror for what's going on within me? What can this teach me about how I reject myself, and how I can change that?

2. Challenge your assumption that other people are judging you
.

When we worry about what other people think, we often assume they're judging us harshly. Recognize that they're likely not thinking about you nearly as much as you think; and that, just like you, they're struggling with their own insecurities. When you stop focusing on the negative things you assume other people are thinking, you're free to focus on your own thoughts—and to change them to be more positive and empowering.

3. See it as a positive sign if some people don't like you
.

If you're being yourself without censoring yourself to please your audience, it's inevitable that some people will dislike you. While this may be uncomfortable, it's the only way to open yourself up to people who will appreciate and value you for who you really are. Whenever someone seems to reject you, instead of thinking there's something lacking in you, see this as a sign that this person is not a good match for a meaningful relationship. Then affirm to yourself that you're creating the possibility of meeting other people who are.

4. Keep a self-appreciation journal.

Keep a log of all the things you appreciate about yourself: the compassion you show other people, the choices you've made to honor your instincts, the times when you've bounced back from difficult situations. When you feel like you need someone else to validate you, turn to this list and use it as a way to validate yourself. Let this be a reminder that you're a strong, capable person—someone who can make decisions without needing other people to agree with them.

I
T ALL STARTS SO INNOCENTLY
: W
E SEE SOMEONE ELSE WHO SEEMS
to have something we want, and we start assessing how we measure up. At first we might convince ourselves we're doing something positive—using them for motivation—and perhaps we are. But oftentimes we're not merely recognizing their choices and accomplishments and then allowing them to inspire our own. We're also thinking about everything we've failed to do and judging ourselves for not stacking up.

We're collecting evidence that other people are better than us, and in the process decreasing our odds of growing and improving, since self-judgment can often feel crippling. Instead of recognizing that we hold the same light and value, regardless of how things look externally, we start looking for proof that we don't. We see all the goals we haven't reached. All the relationships we haven't fostered. And all the expectations we haven't met. Then we question
why
we
seem to have failed in so many ways. What do other people have that we don't?

Stuck as we get in our negative self-assessments, we may decide to swing the pendulum the other way and compare ourselves to those less fortunate. Surely we should feel grateful that we have homes, jobs, and stability, unlike many others who aren't as well off. But this is still a choice to see ourselves in relation to everyone else, as if we need to know we're not the lowest in the pecking order in order to avoid feeling low. If we should go through a tough time and lose those things we told ourselves to appreciate, we may feel completely unhinged, as if we have no sense of value because we have less than almost everyone else.

To some extent, it's natural to compare ourselves to others; we learn from a young age to gauge our progress by seeing what our peers are doing. But we set ourselves up for dissatisfaction and even depression if we let our comparisons convince us we're intrinsically inferior—and then let a sense of helpless negativity convince us that this will never change. It might take effort, but we have the power to see ourselves with an objective appreciation for who we are as individuals, regardless of our accomplishments. We have the ability to recognize other people's successes and strengths without criticizing ourselves in response. And we have the capacity to foster our own strengths so we can create lives that feel satisfying, whether other people seem to have more or not. Countless Tiny Buddha contributors have addressed these issues on the site, sharing their experiences and insights. Some of those include . . .

by Margie Beiswanger

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are
.

—
E. E. CUMMINGS

It seems like everywhere I look, I don't measure up.

I was giving a presentation recently and noticed that several people seemed bored or distracted. I looked around the room to gauge my audience's response to something I said and found myself thinking, “Am I good enough? Am I providing what this group needs?” Suddenly, I felt sure that another more talented presenter would have done a better job.

Later, my friend and I were casually flipping through old photos, and we both lamented that we were younger and thinner in them. We chuckled and then sighed. I commented that I didn't like how I looked in the photos, and she said that I looked great. I started to dispute her out of habit. I thought I should look better somehow. Do you know that feeling? It seems as if I can't be satisfied with how I look because I should be something more.

There are people all around me who are more talented, thinner, wealthier, happier, nicer, and luckier. You name it and there is someone who's got more of it or is better at it than me. Ever feel that way?

And yet, our tendency is to continue to compare ourselves with others—over and over again. Demoralizing and useless as it is, we keep doing it. We're pretty much on autopilot at this point. Why oh why do we engage in such a fruitless mental activity? Do we think it's going to make us feel better in some miraculous way? Do we think it's going to motivate us to excel?

What's that mental comparison thing you do ever done for you? Does it really motivate you to get going on your diet and exercise plan or your savings plan or your new career path? I didn't think so. I know it doesn't work that way for me.

I say, “Enough!” Let's stop mentally assessing our worth by comparing it to others. Think about it. What does your status, your value, your worth have to do with anyone else's? Really think about that.

In reality, what does my weight have to do with anyone else's? How is my net worth any different—in value—if I say it should be equal to or greater than someone else's? It's just not. Doing the mental comparison thing doesn't change a thing about me in reality. I am what I am. Right now. And that's the reality. I choose to value myself, just as I am.

I am a unique individual. So are you. We all are. The next time you find that you're comparing yourself with someone else, remind yourself that “I am me and I'm proud of that.” You've got to let that sink in. You are your own person. There's no one quite like you. Comparisons are irrelevant! How freeing is that? Add that to your mental repertoire: “I'm unique, so comparisons are irrelevant.”

When we're doing the mental comparison thing, we're focusing on what others have that we think we don't. Find something that you do have—a trait, a possession, a relationship, a value—that you can feel good about. This has nothing to do with the other person. This is about not comparing, so there's no need to try to one up them in your mind.

For example, the next time I wish I had a big vacation house on the shore, I can remember: I may not have a vacation house, but I do have a loving family to share my time with. If I find myself comparing my body to another person's (perhaps a celebrity or someone younger than me), I can flip my focus and remind myself of how well my body has served me all these years. I can remind myself of other positive traits—that I'm a generous friend, a loving partner, a talented cook, and a funny person.

Flip your focus and remind yourself of all that you are instead of focusing on what you think you aren't.

Let's move away from devaluing ourselves and others. Let's be good enough, just as we are, and celebrate that. Instead of always finding ways that we don't measure up, let's celebrate the things about ourselves and others that make us unique, that make us who we are. Let's celebrate the fact that we're all different, and we all have something to contribute to this big, beautiful world, just as we are today.

What is one small thing you can do today to embrace your individuality and celebrate yourself, just as you are?

by Angela Gunn

The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life
.

—E
CKHART
T
OLLE

For a very long time fear has controlled me. It has paralyzed me, kept me living in desperate situations, and stopped me from living the life of my dreams. It has only been with age and the practice of mindfulness these last few years that I have finally come to recognize the fear within me and begun the process of facing it.

By facing fear, I don't mean that I've started BASE jumping, purposely trapped myself in elevators, or allowed tarantulas to climb all over my body. I mean that I've sat in meditation, watched the fears arise, and rather than react to them or allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life, I've observed them in my mind from a distance. I've felt how fearful thoughts manifest in my body, and I've moved into that physical discomfort in order to pay attention to fear in a way I've never allowed myself to do before.

When I think about the compulsive and addictive activities that have kept me stuck in a place of fear in the past, they all come from stories that play through my head every day. For example, I shop to
feel better about myself. I believe that the pair of celebrity-endorsed high heels I've just bought will make me glamorous enough to fit in with the goddesses I see around me, and, therefore, help me feel accepted. Interestingly, I don't feel bad about myself unless I'm comparing myself with others. Therefore, in the comparing, I'm looking at others who have what I don't and fearing that I'm unstylish or not beautiful enough.